This is a post that's been in my head for a while - a rather personal one, I admit.
My family is Jewish. My grandparents are Holocaust survivors - my grandfather jumped off a train when he found out that it was taking him to Auschwitz. He and my grandmother met and married in Israel. My mother lived there for her early life before they moved to the United States; we have a lot of relatives there.
My mother has always, I believe, had a "thing" about Arabs and Muslims, a sort of chip on her shoulder. My earliest memory relative to this, though it didn't strike me at the time, was when I was watching 1776 (the musical about the Declaration of Independence) at a rather young age. There's a line where one character sings, "They say that God in heaven is everybody's God" - Mum stopped by the couch and commented, "That's not true. Muslims don't worship the same God as us." As I said, nothing about this struck me as peculiar at the time. I didn't know any better. I still don't know if that was malice or stupidity.
Continuing the theme of comments made during films she was not actually watching, years later I was watching Lawrence of Arabia, which has a line spoken by an Arab character: "a little people, a silly people - greedy, barbarous and cruel." Never mind that the comment is in reference to tribal warfare. Never mind that the film concerns a people who want a state, like Israelis. She was passing through the room and, on hearing that line, stopped and said "Yeah!" rather emphatically. I am, or was, a coward. I wanted to say something to her about it, but instead I said, "Mum, I'm trying to watch."
Fast forward several years. My best friend and confidant, whom I consider my brother, is a religious Pakistani guy. Mum is starting to get "into" her Judaism, yells at me for dropping out of Hebrew school, and forwards e-mails about Israel to everyone.
Mum's major misconception #1 about K. is that we "like" each other. "That way." However, according to her, we couldn't date anyway because "he's probably in an arranged marriage." Cue jawdrop. She also asked me, on finding out that K. has a brother, if said brother was in an arranged marriage. I do not know the reason for her fixation on arranged marriage. Perhaps she has watched Bend It Like Beckham too much.
At this last incident, I decided to stop being a doormat. I told her it was horribly racist. She blew up at me. Her arguments was that it wasn't racist because it wasn't a value judgment and "it works for their culture." Except that, for example, that episode in The Office when Michael wants Stanley for his basketball team because he's black is also racist without devaluing sports skills. I tried to explain to her about the concept of "othering" before I remembered that we already knew that she thinks Muslims "contribute nothing to the world." (Her defense of this statement, which I also called her out on, was essentially "it's not racist because it's true.")
I am truly amazed that she has not asked (out loud, to me) yet how a Muslim man like him can be friends with a Jewish woman like me.
My considered opinion is that she thinks that because she is Jewish and Israeli, she has a monopoly on oppression. Nothing can equal the Holocaust, so she's free to hate anyone.
I think I'm going to have to create a basic primer for people like her. Obviously her "Understanding Islam" class at our synagogue has done her no good.
1. Arab =/= Muslim. The majority of Muslims are non-Arab. There is a difference between ethnicity and ethnic practices, and religion and religious practices.
2. Not all Muslims are the same. Like members of any religious group, they differ in terms of religiosity, culture, political views, presence or absence of anti-Semitism, etc., etc.
3. Islam is not the problem. Fanaticism is the problem. My now-fundamentalist-Christian ex is infinitely more likely to blow himself up one day than K., because he is psycho.
4. Imperialism matters. It has affected the infrastructure and economy of countless countries and contributed to the rise of fanaticism.
5. Economics are important. The well-off don't become suicide bombers.
Thoughts? I hope this is helpful for others in this kind of situation.
(These themes reappear in my rebuttal of the last e-mail she sent out, a horrible petty little e-mail about Nobel Prize winners, which I may post.)
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I had an Israeli friend, who I'd always gotten along well with, who one day while discussing the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and the charges that Israeli troops were raping Palestinian women laughed and said, "Israeli soldiers don't commit bestiality."
My jaw dropped. I asked him if he had even the faintest of faint of ideas how incredibly fucked up that was, to which he responded "What? It's not like they're human."
I had to stop hanging out with him. I just couldn't cope with the idea that this otherwise, intelligent, rather liberal guy could honestly say that shit with a straight face and totally believe it. Different cultures or not, that is completely and utterly fucked.
...That's sick. And I thought my mother was bad.
My grandmother is a Holocaust survivor and both she and my mom have very strong opinions that to me are just illogical about jews and judaism. All you can do is diagree as calmly as possible and try to change the subject.
Also, I understand how difficult it is not to be prejudiced against Arabs and Muslims. The leadership of many countries in the region along with being the heads of totalitarian governments use anti-semetism to rile up the masses in an attempt to deflect attention away from the fact the the government does nothing to adress the widespread poverty. This indoctrination has effected many people both Muslim and non-Muslim, Arab and non-Arab, rich and poor. I hope that you and your mother can settle your differences or agree to disagree peacefully.
Rebecca posted at June 25, 2008, at 07:13PM: "My considered opinion is that she thinks that because she is Jewish and Israeli, she has a monopoly on oppression. Nothing can equal the Holocaust, so she's free to hate anyone."
Now this actually reminds me a bit of how some Muslim men out there feel oppressed and feel free to hate women (of course, this applies to some non-Muslim men too). Hmm...
Maybe add to the list
6. One can be oppressed and a bigot at the same time. When broke anti-Semites hate you, hate them back, don't do the same thing they're doing by hating someone else who isn't a jerk.
?
Comments copied from the post on the other version of the website:
Rebecca: a.v.f.: "Also, I understand how difficult it is not to be prejudiced against Arabs and Muslims. The leadership of many countries in the region along with being the heads of totalitarian governments use anti-semetism to rile up the masses in an attempt to deflect attention away from the fact the the government does nothing to adress the widespread poverty."
But that's exactly the point of anti-racism (and anti-sexism, too). You cannot hate someone because someone else who shares their race or religion or gender does something you don't like.
Good call on #6, Mina.
a.v.f.: I don't presume to excuse prejudice of any kind. However, it is difficult to get over 2000 plus years of oppression, especially when you grow up hearing about it constantly. Like many mothers and daughters, I'm including myself here, you and your mom have very different viewpoints. If you can understand each other, maybe there will be less conflict. I hope that what I wrote isn't offensive, I don't mean for it to be.
Rebecca: I see what you mean about how it's difficult to shake off prejudices one was raised with - your previous comment led me to believe that you were putting Arabs and Muslims at fault for my mother's prejudices against them rather than her upbringing.
Still, Mina makes a really good point: the 2000+ years of oppression are not relevant. I do not discount the Holocaust or the impression it has had on the psyche of many Jews. However, hating another unrelated group because your group is hated is not the way to be the better person.
I hope you're right. We are due to have a little family conference about the nasty e-mail I mentioned in my post and maybe I will be able to convince her a little. (I used to be able to let it go/agree to disagree, but now it's personal.)
a.v.f.: I wish you luck in resolving this issue.
Rebecca: Thanks, avf.
Rebecca: (For the record, something I forgot when writing the post and don't know if I can edit to add, another incident:
A couple of years ago, my mother got into a minor fender-bender during the winter holiday season. The man in the other car was Arab. In the course of exchanging insurance information, she had to give him her address. When she got home, she removed the electric menorah from our front window, saying that she was afraid that he would come by, realize we were Jewish and claim more money in damages because "Jews are rich."
I wonder how many of these incidents are in my subconscious.)
It is quite sad when you realize how many people are blatantly racist but claim they are not because they aren't walking around with a KKK hat on. There seems to be an idea that if you're funny and racist, or a minority and racist then you're not really racist. It's the same kind of thinking that spawns the idea that feminism isn't needed anymore because women, like, have jobs.
Your mom is lucky though, because she has an enlightened daughter who can help her understand.