I would like to thank ElizabethLeigh for leaving a comment on my last post directing me to Mr. Henning's web site. For everyone who doesn't know, Brad Henning gives abstinence-only presentations at high schools. I just sent him this e-mail.
...
Mr. Henning,
You gave a presentation to my school back in 2000. I was a freshman, a believer, and a virgin. I remember that your talk really resonated with me and I reaffirmed my commitment to stay a virgin until I was married.
That commitment lasted a year.
The next year you came and spoke again, and again I listened, only this time I was a sophomore, an unbeliever, and no longer a virgin. Every other word out of your mouth, it seemed, was a lie. None of the bad things you had predicted had come to pass. Sex wasn't what held my relationship together; my boyfriend wanted to do more with me than just hump all the time; and we were both on our way to the top of the mountain together, while also taking in the scenery--together. During that second presentation, I didn't know whether to laugh at your ridiculous statements or to tell you off for saying such horrendous lies. I opted for neither and sat in silence.
Now, seven years later, I'm married with a little girl. It might interest you to know that both my marriage and my daughter are five years old. You see, I was a part of the statistic that kids who receive abstinence-only "sex ed" are less likely to use condoms when they do have sex--only six months later than their peers. My sophomore boyfriend was a good guy, and I'm sure if he had been the one to knock me up that we would have been very happy together. However, I'm so, so, so happy that it was my husband. That's not to say I'm glad I got pregnant and married at the age of 17, but my daughter is the most beautiful, smart, and amazing person I've ever met and my marriage is happier and healthier than most others I know of.
As a point of interest, our marriage is open. My husband was the seventh man I slept with, and now that number has almost doubled to 15. Our marriage is more happy and healthy since we've opened it than it was before. This is because it is not sex which binds us together, but our commitment to each other. We are not wearing sex blinders. The key to a good marriage is trust and communication, two things that HAD to grow exponentially when our marriage opened up. If you wish to prepare students for solid marriages, then exercises in building trust and communication skills will take you much farther than telling the kids to just wait to have sex until they're married.
One of the biggest lies you ever told me--though, to be fair, you weren't the only person to tell me this lie--was when you told a story about your friend's friend who had sex with over 200 women before meeting his wife and that now, whenever he has sex with his wife, he thinks about the 200 other women. I know that you would be totally ignorant of this, having only had sexual relations with one woman, but that is complete and utter hogwash. I've only had sex with 15 people, nowhere near 200, and I have trouble remember them all AT ALL, let alone remembering them all every time I have sex with my husband!
I know that you regularly invite students to your house to see how happy a marriage between two people who waited for sex is. I would like to take you up on that offer, seven years late, if that's all right. Perhaps we can show you how happy a marriage can be between two people who didn't wait and still aren't monogamous. In fact a joint dinner with students involved would be perfect so that students could compare and contrast and perhaps decide for themselves what sort of marriage and sex life they would like to have. Unfortunately, I live too far away to arrange for the dinner now, but perhaps advance planning would be good for something of this sort. I can set a tentative date for April, 2009, when I will next be in the States. I look forward to your reply.
Lauren
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Omg I think I almost had a digital orgasm. Your e-mail is awesome. Please let us know if/when he answers you! We need more former-abstinence only believers to write to these speakers and tell them how false and disrespectful their views are.
Thank you for posting this.
This is incredible!
Please update on his response as soon as possible!!
I look forward to his reply too.
For myself, who went through a pretty similar set of events: thank you so much for writing this. Let's see whether he replies.
It's a shame there aren't the counterparts of Mr Henning who go into schools and invite students to dinner to show how happy an open marriage between two people who didn't "wait" for sex can be...
Lauren posted on July 15, 2008, at 03:13AM: "...That's not to say I'm glad I got pregnant and married at the age of 17..."
Sadly, I bet Henning would be all "I told you so!!! You shouldn't have had sex then!!!" about this part of the letter and ignore the rest of the letter including all the other facts you stated and all the great points you made.
Thank you for the comments, everyone. If/when I get a response I will definitely post it.
And front page! Thank you Ann! XD
Thats great. I have not known/ heard of someone personally having an open marriage... but i see how you would work better for some people because it isnt sex that makes a marriage work but commitment.
I was fortunate enough to go to a public school in a district in Massachusetts that gave us very thorough sex education. They started us out with voluntary evening classes that our parents could take us to in elementary school. Those covered anatomy and reproduction among other topics. Then in 8th grade they gave us really detailed and scientifically correct info about pregnancy, STDs, contraceptives, etc. And then in high school we still were required to take 2 years of "Human Development", which covered all sorts of issues related to sex, tolerance, relationships, drugs, homosexuality, masturbation, etc. with an underlying message discouraging judgment. After hearing so many stories of the horrible lectures given at some schools, I can't believe how good our programs were, and at public schools, no less! I have been inspired to write a letter to the school committee to thank them for giving me real education and to encourage them to keep it that way.
I grew up in south Texas during the height of the "True Love Waits" campaign. You made a pledge to be a virgin until you were married and then your parents gave you a ring to wear on your left ring finger until you exchanged it for a real wedding ring.
Of course, this assumed that you were a heterosexual and planned to marry.
Even at the tender age of eleven, I could recognize what bullshit this was. When all my friends were getting rings and asking why I wasn't, I straight-up said that I would probably have sex before marriage. I told them that they probably would, too, and then the ring would be a huge guilt trip. With all of their tweenybopper wisdom they denied it, and most of them had sex before they were married. (One of them with my boyfriend and me!) Some had out-of-wedlock welfare babies because they didn't use contraception -- because sin is compounded if it's premeditated.
I've met few people who actually abstained until marriage. Of those who did, they ended up marrying when they were 19, having financial difficulties, and reproducing like crazy. (Correlation, anyone?) Ironically, I got married pretty young (22) and plan to have children, too -- but not because I think it is my only purpose in life.
I'm all for not over-sexualizing young women and letting them grow into their sexuality at their own pace. In fact, one of the abstinence shirt sellers had one that had butterflies on it, and said something like "I emerge in my own time" which I thought was really nice.
But why, oh why, can't people realize that the answer to society's ills will not be found by trying to turn back the clock to an ideal age that never existed?
I'm really glad that it's worked out for you but I can tell you first hand there isn't anything wrong with the philosophy of abstinence. If I had a dime for every one of my friends that had a sexually transmitted disease in high school, I'd be a rich girl. And I had sex with my boyfriend in high school who I thought was going to be my guy forever. He told me he loved me. I ended up having an abortion and I wish the whole thing had never happened. It still haunts me. Woulda shoulda coulda. He ended up dumping me and his family moved. Most guys in high school just want to get their rocks off anyway and could care less what happens to you. Most guys in high school aren't even thinking about a long term relationship. I think what happened to you is really, really great but I'm guessing your success story is probably in the minority. And here's what really kinda scares me. My friend has a kid-sister in 7th grade. She said her sister told her that not one but two of her friends got pregnant this year, in 7th stinking grade! Welcome to Junior High! One of them is entangled in a statutory rape case now with the family of the junior high student who did it. It's totally thrown their world upside down. I'm sorry, but abstinence is definitely a good option in lots of instances. I have no problem with people teaching abstinence as an option in both Junior High and High School. As a student, you want to make the wisest decision possible and the more you know, the more options you have.
Jan88 commented at August 3, 2008 11:53 AM: "I'm really glad that it's worked out for you but I can tell you first hand there isn't anything wrong with the philosophy of abstinence."
Isn't there more than one philosophy of abstinence? I got the impression that some have nothing wrong with them and some others do.
Jan88 commented at August 3, 2008 11:53 AM: "I have no problem with people teaching abstinence as an option in both Junior High and High School. As a student, you want to make the wisest decision possible and the more you know, the more options you have."
Exactly! Students need info about all the options, including abstinence and protected sex. For example: even a girl who does save sex for marriage can remember the info about birth control, to avoid unwanted conception during marital sex. For another example: even a boy who can't get a willing sex partner can remember the info about abstience, to not feel like a freak when he's having no sex instead of having sex with an unwilling partner.