I do not want to have children. I have never wanted children. Not to say I have anything against children... I just do not want to be a mother.
Motherhood is a complicated, and truly important issue, and understandably a major focus point for many feminists. It was a topic that was debated for hours in my various gender and women's studies classes throughout my university career. But I was always struck by the lack of discussion of women who choose not to be mothers.
All women, whether they have children or not, are affected by issues of motherhood. Sometimes we face the same challenges, such as employment difficulties solely because we MIGHT have children, which are very similar. But sometimes, those challenges are very different.
Women who choose not to have children are often not taken seriously. Soceity as a whole does not value their reasons. Women are selfish for not wanting to have children. Women will change their minds. Women just haven't met the right person to have children with... for every reason a woman might have for choosing not to be a mother, society has negative response.
In an academic setting, such as a university, it shocked me that vocalizing my concerns about the lack of discussion of this issue was often brushed off. I was once even told that we talk about motherhood as the norm because more women choose to be mothers. Obviously, it cannot be denied that many women choose motherhood, otherwise humans would cease to exist eventually. However, in an academic field dedicated to deconstructing and often combating societal "norms", this response just seemed really out of place, and frankly, a little inappropriate.
I am feminist because I value choice and equality. I respect and value motherhood and the women who choose it. I just wonder when I am going to be able to sit in my women's studies classes and hear academic discussion about the otherside of the motherhood question.
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I agree. I am ambivalent about children in that I do not have strong feelings about having them either way. When I tell people I'm not sure I want children and that I have no real desire to procreate they consistently tell me: Wait til you're older, you'll change your mind.
I don't understand why it can't be treated as a valid choice and instead has to be due to the fact that I'm not "old" enough or "mature" enough. It reminds me of being in high school when feelings are often trivialized because adults assume adolescents don't know their own needs and desires.
I'm 25 years old, dammnit, I was mature enough to know what career I wanted and who I want to vote for and other majore life-changing events, I think I am mature enough to decide if I want to squeeze something out of my vagina.
I took a intro women's studies course at my university and ran into the same thing.
I've always wondered why, if I can make the monumental, life changing decision to have a child, why can't I make the momumental, life changing decision not to have a child?
wow...you just echoed all of my thoughts right there.
I always get so annoyed by everyone that keeps saying "you'll change your mind when you're more mature" or "it's just a phase" or "you're too young to make a decision like this" or any sort of crap like that. I always keep saying "when you were my age, you wanted to have kids...why didn't anyone say that YOUR mind would change??!!"
The worst is when they say "I know several women who said they never wanted kids, but then changed their minds." Guess what! I know several women who never wanted kids, and NEVER changed their mind, and they're happy!
Is it so bad that I'm just one of those people who doesn't see having kids as really really important? I mean...I'm the one who'd end up taking care of them! So why the hell do other people feel as though they have the right to say I should have them...will they take care of them?
...anyways...thanks for this post!...my rant is now over :)
This is something that has long bothered me (TMI coming up :D). There is a history of a rare disease in my family, and I have decided that having biological children is not worth the risk.
I also have pretty deep-seated gender issues and I firmly believe that pregnancy would threaten my life. I don't know if I could handle a child that fell into the "normal"ish spectrum on the gender scales.
On top of all that, I just don't enjoy kids that much. I see the process of raising kids as mostly behavior correction, and I don't have the patience that a good parent needs. I have a tendency to get either so frustrated I cry or I have been known (on the rarest of occasions, though) to throw something. That is not a person to raise a child. Certainly not now, but maybe not later, either.
Therefore, I've decided that children are not for me. I lack patience, there are medical issues, and personality issues that I don't feel are condusive for a healthy home. I've decided to be sterilized to best help my situation and protect myself from the possibility of pregnancy, even though I'm not sexually active.
Why is it that people like to constantly tell me, "Oh, you'll change your mind," with a shit-eating grin on their faces? I have my reasons, which are not going to change any time soon, all right? I've thought this through, talked to my doctor, my therapist, my gynecologist, my family, friends and a few others. They support my decision because they trust I know what is best for me and my life.
I always want to list off all my reasons and regale these people with the tales of my dead sisters and be like, "YES, DON'T YOU WANT THAT FOR YOUR KIDS?!"
...if I ever do change my mind, it's not like a tubal ligation prevents me from adopting, now does it?