It would have been better if Abby had actually read more of the letter. The letter writer says "I know a lot of guys through activities I'm involved in, or my classes," and for all we know one of those is already a gym!

Just joining yet another extracurricular activity doesn't seem likely to make the problem "resolve itself." If it did work, I'd have had my first kiss by now (I haven't, I'm 29, and I've done a lot of extracurriculars and classes).

crysmal posted July 12, 2008, at 12:54PM: "(and thus, losing weight, which is Abby lists as the FIRST benefit of joining a gym -- not, you know, gaining confidence or anything)"

First? From what you quoted, the list seems to go

1. meet and mingle with new people.
2. healthy
3. fun
4. non-threatening way to meet all sorts of people with different interests
5. lose weight
6. tone up
7. gain self-confidence

Mina, I think the fact that Abby knew she was already involved in ex-currics makes her suggestion to join a gym even worse. She's already involved in activities where she presumably gets many of the benefits that Abby mentions... except the losing weight "benefit." I think that points to a reinforcement of my [and I think crysmal's] initial reaction that losing weight is supposed to mean getting a guy.

I also DO NOT consider a gym to be a non-threatening way to meet people. Especially people of the opposite sex. I'm sure plenty of people do it, but I don't think it is at all less threatening than anything else, and for me it would have all sorts of triggering effects.

Dear Abby:

I have to disagree with the advice you recently gave "Wanting a Guy at Cornell." You suggested she join a gym to meet people as well as lose weight and tone up. I find your reasoning behind this suggestion appalling.

Getting regular exercise is a good thing for anyone to do. Whether that involves going to a gym, joining a sports team or just walking around the block, exercise is good for your health and your self-confidence. I started running several months ago and it has helped my confidence. I like being able to keep up with my dog when she chases pigeons in the park without getting out of breath. I also just like being able to identify as a runner. Please notice that not once in this paragraph did I mention weight loss.

The young woman to whom you recommended joining a gym is suffering from a serious deficiency in self-esteem. While exercise is one way to boost that, you only toss that in after recommending she lose weight. While she mentioned being overweight, weight is not this woman's problem.

If she has been overweight most of her life, chances are she has been the butt of many jokes. As a child I was the "fat kid" which meant I was subjected to daily harassment (mostly verbal but occasionally physical), teasing, and constantly being reminded that I was different from everyone else. I had very few friends growing up and suffered from depression at an early age. I am 24 now and carry scars from this time around with me still.

In high school I began figuring out who I am and looking for my niche. I was in band, worked on the school's literary magazine, and on the swim team. I made a lot of friends and, yes, guys liked me. These activities helped my self-esteem, but guess what? I was still overweight. The dress I wore to my junior prom was a size 16. I went solo. The dress I wore to my senior prom was a size 20. I had a date. Clearly, being smaller was not the answer for me.

Losing weight is not an instant fix for dating woes. I have been many different sizes in my life, and my confidence has been the same the whole time. I am currently the smallest I have been in awhile, and I still think back to the way I was treated as a fat child. Losing weight has not taken away the damage that was done to my self-esteem.

What has helped my self-esteem has been figuring out who I am. I realized I want to be a writer, so I have gone back to school. Doing something I enjoy and realizing I'm good at it has been a huge confidence booster. I realized that I am a feminist, which has given me a critical eye toward the world around me and has helped me be less afraid to go after what I like and point out problems and injustice around me. And I'm fat. As I said earlier, I'm a runner, so I'm in very good shape, and I'm still much larger than what our society has deemed "ideal." I have come to realize that my body is not meant to be skinny. I credit that realization with the increase I have felt in my self-esteem lately.

"Wanting a Guy at Cornell" needs to do the same thing. She needs to learn who she is and love it. If she is overweight, she should own it. Yes, take care of yourself. A balanced diet and regular exercise is good for everyone, and it is completely independent of weight. She should buy clothes that make her look and feel great, no matter what size they are. She should find activities that appeal to her likes and abilities, which will both boost her confidence and help her meet people with similar interests. If anyone comments on her weight, she should write the person off as not worthy of her time and move on. Someone out there will like her for who she is and what she looks like.

Chances are, this will take more than six months. Confidence-building is a long and difficult road. I hope that Waiting for a Guy realizes that losing weight isn't the only way to find someone. In fact, if someone only likes you because you lost weight, they aren't worth your time. Waiting, I hope you find someone. I really do. But more importantly, I hope you go to work repairing your self-esteem so you can live the best life possible. Good luck.

Sincerely,
Liza ******
(Fatly Confident in Brooklyn)

Sorry for the epic nature of that comment. It's like the fucking Iliad of angry letters.

Once you get me going on this stuff I don't stop. (I even made a stupid Dear Abby name for myself, lol)

The losing weight thing was mentioned as ONE THING in a list! ... molehill-->mountain, much?

I don't think it's making a mountain out of a molehill. Abby only offers one suggestion, joining a gym, even after Wanting a Guy specifically said she was a part of many extracurricular activities. Do you think that if Wanting a Guy did not disclose that she was overweight, Abby would have suggested a gym? Most likely not. Like LlesbianLlama, I also think that a gym would most certainly be a THREATENING environment in which to meet people, especially if Wanting a Guy is already self-conscious. It doesn't help to be sweaty, out of breath, messy haired and otherwise disheveled, as well. Abby then goes on to say that the problem will resolve itself in "about six months", which is a good time frame for significant weight loss if there is a self-conscious girl diligently working out at a gym. Honestly, I'd rather meet a significant other somewhere doing something that interests me a lot and appreciates me and my body, without having to change it, than meet a significant other at a gym after I've worked my ass off to lose enough weight to be deemed "date-able" because that was the only suggestion I'd received when wondering how to acquire a partner.

You've admitted that your weight is making you uncomfortable, so why not change? I don't understand.

Yes, of course noticing something offensive but fairly small in the larger scheme of things is TOTALLY OVERREACTING!! [cue comments about feminist hysteria here] I'm sorry? Just because it's not of epic proportions doesn't mean it can't be discussed intelligently.

This sort of advice is a problem.

Let's look further. Yes, qwerty, why not change?

Let's see. Well, first of all, the person seeking advice wasn't asking for advice about weight or weight loss. However, she was given advice that essentially told her to lose weight because it would fix the problem she DID ask for help with, which was meeting someone. That is untrue. Losing weight =/= picking people up. To act like those two things are linked misses a lot of reality in between.

Or maybe because she can't change? Maybe because not everyone is able to magically lose weight in a healthy way. Your comment makes it sound as if she can just change if she tries... do you know she hasn't? Do you know if she wants to?

Or, best of all: why is it that SHE has to change? Her discomfort with her weight probably stems from societal factors dictating beauty standards. THOSE people can fucking change.

WORD to some of the comments above, by the way.

Strawman....I've said nothing about hysteria, losing weight is easy, or societal beauty standards.

She specifically says that her weight is bringing her down. She doesn't mention any other cause for her problem.

Obviously losing weight isnt going to magically resolve your problem, but it is much more attainable an option than convincing the entire world to change their perception of beauty.

And no, I'm not saying that you should be anorexic and plastic.