I have been a feminist since I was eight, about around the time I began to want to move out of Kansas. My mother was reading Ms., and took the opportunity to explain feminism to me.
"Feminists think that things aren't equal between men and women and want to change that. Some feminists go really far and are against everything men do, but most just want things to be equal, and that's what I believe."
Maybe her summary of some radical feminists was a little dismissive. But I was eight, and her definition convinced me to adopt the latter interpretation into my worldview. Soon after, I began using my mother’s name (my mother kept her name when she married my father and gave me and my brothers her name as a middle name) as part of my everyday name. The name didn’t stick until college, but it was a key shift in the way I thought of myself.
Fourteen years later, I remain a feminist. My use of feminism as a belief system, a coping mechanism, and a method of processing the world is about the only thing about me that didn't change during my identity crisis, which began in sixth grade and should end any day now. But while my identity as a feminist is one of the most core parts of my conscious thought, I find that my life is becoming more and more deeply heteronormative as it becomes more and more deeply satisfying.
I am living very happily with a young man who is everything I want in a partner – smart, funny, kind, and honest. While he is respectful of my beliefs and is always willing to engage in discourse of a feminist nature with me, he does not share that part of my ideology, and he never will. As a primary benefactor of the patriarchy, he doesn’t feel the need to fight the system that feeds him. And as I grow closer to him, I find that my sympathy for the devil grows. I am coming to a feminist understanding and appreciation of patriarchal undertakings – particularly in art and media. I enjoy artists of occasional virulent racism and misogyny like David Allen Coe and less offensive but still status-quo-advocating television like King of the Hill. And while I am glad that I am moving away from the impulse to demonize that which does not immediately adhere to my beliefs, I fear that I am starting down a road that leads to ignoring their threats to equality instead of viewing critically and finding a balance.
I am blogging as an attempt to resist complacency as I embrace happiness.
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Well, if he's willing to engage, I say keep engaging him. There have been plenty of posts here and elsewhere, plenty of good academic articles, etc, that explain how the patriarchal system is damaging to men as well as women. Float him some reading material, and ask if any of the arguments resonate with his own experience. If he's honest, he'll probably find something that makes some sense to him.
As for popular culture, we all have our guilty secrets. You can be happy while examining life and the media with a critical feminist eye- not always an easy balance, but it's doable. There will be times when you may have to practice a sort of meditative feminism; remind yourself that you're aware that something on King of the Hill is counter to your goals, maybe journal or blog about it, but choose to let the moment pass if you're having a good time with your partner right then and revisit it critically at another time.
I'm confused about your statement about heteronormativity. Just being in a hetero relationship doesn't automatically create a completely hetero space. Do you talk about queer issues, keep up with gay friends, allow fluidity in pronoun choice when discussing hypothetical situations?
In general, be kind to yourself. Early stages of good relationships are heady stuff, and one of life's best pleasures. If he's really supportive of your beliefs, don't talk yourself out of a good thing (if he's not supportive send him packing, of course, but you said he is in your post). Good luck!
I am all for equal rights for women, my wife will be the first to tell you I believe men and women can do the same things and equally. I work full time and take care of all the housework while my wife works part time and takes care of the finances and raises our son. We share in the responsiblitity of our lives together and what we make it. It's not uncommon for her to buy me flowers or just leave a note saying she loves me which I do the same for her. Still there are many, especially in the area we live in that think our relationship is not common but I say heck if it works and we are ok with it why change. I think if the world would just give in to the ideal that women are just as human as men everyone could live easier and better lives.
There's a big difference between no longer seeking to daemonize those who do not share your beliefs and becoming complacent about and okay with sexism and misogyny. A BIG BIG difference. On the one hand, it's a mature attitude to be able to see the other side of the opinion, in this case, his view that this whole patriarchy thing is working for him, so what's the big deal?
Of course, this point of view can also become "this whole patriarchy thing is working for me, but it's hurting the women I love, but so what? Me first!" THAT is a very immature attitude. Once he realizes that sexism and misogyny hurt you (if not directly, at least indirectly), he's got to make a choice about whether to care. If he decides that he doesn't care that it hurts you, well, in the words of Seattle's own Dan Savage, DTMFA (dump the motherfucker already). However, if he does care and thinks it's really fucked up that the sexist and misogynistic leanings of, not just American, but pretty ubiquitously amongst all cultures, is hurting you directly or indirectly: guess what, he's a feminist.
So, does he say "that's really fucked up" when you seen an article about the horrific trendiness of labial rejuvenation surgery? If he does, keep him. If he says "so what?" and tries to tell you that the people really to blame for the horrific-ness of this are those getting the surgery and an argument ensues, DTMFA. It doesn't matter how good the make up sex is.
I'm not going to pretend that I know more about your relationship than you've posted here, and I sincerely hope he's got the "that's really fucked up" attitude, rather than the "so what?" attitude, but I can tell you that if he's not interested in something that you care very deeply about, it's going to cause problems in your relationship.
I have one last anecdote for you. I was reading Feminste one day while my boyfriend was reading a magazine (specifically, an article about birth control methods in Central Africa), and I started reading yet another rant about labial rejuvenation surgery and told him about it. He said, almost complacently at the end of our conversation "that's really fucked up, but what can I do about it?" Listen, I told him. Allow me to talk about these things and engage in conversation about it. He's not an activist type, but he is smart enough to understand privilege and supports my activism.
So, if your guy sounds like mine, he does share your ideology, he just doesn't really know how to show it. In which case, do not DTMFA.
I think you might be worrying needlessly. You're not dooming the movement or your soul by watching King of the Hill or listening to David Allen Coe (although he is a real bastard). King of the Hill isn't a ball of fire in the feminism department, but there are other reasons to watch it. It's gently funny, it's full of examples of good relationships and people being decent to each other, and it's an affectionate satire of life in a small town. None of those things are less true just because Hank doesn't really help with the housework. Not everything you consume has to be feminist-approved. There's a big difference between enjoying King of the Hill and being really into, say, Girls Gone Wild videos.
And as for your boyfriend? It would be great if he embraced feminism, but you can't make him do it. And if he's otherwise a good person and believes in equal rights, equal pay, etc., well then I don't see massive problems unless it truly bothers you. That's something only you can decide.
I think people might be confusing his inability to shake his acceptance of the patriarchy with not sharing your values. And feminist values are so broad that many men perform feminist acts without even realizing. It's like, to use a phrase from Angry Black Woman (http://theangryblackwoman.wordpress.com/2008/04/29/no-cookie/), men don't "get a cookie" just for doing things like shared housework, respecting their partners, raising the children, etc. That said, people still embrace feminism more than they realize, even if they won't embrace the word feminist.
In an ideal world, the people we fall in love with would be as much as feminist as we are, but this isn't always the case. Even people who claim to be feminists can do terrible things (like judge other women for birthing or breastfeeding choices) or embrace the patriarchy (some feminists take their husbands' last name), but this doesn't mean that the feminist choices we make are negated. Dating someone who may not strictly identify as a feminist can still be a rewarding experience because that person can still be positively and progressively influenced so that there is overlap in ideals without even having to make conscious decisions to force change on that individual.
I can't say I'd like for a boyfriend to ignore his male privilege (or white privilege or able-bodied privilege, etc) or embrace all the usual trappings of heteronormativity, but if that were the case, as long as he were respectful of my beliefs and did not force any certain roles on me, I would be okay with it-- because change is a long, drawn-out process in individuals, and it's best done with love and support from people you're close to. That's how people are transformed by long-term relationships.
If in five years you were dissatisfied with the relationship because of those reasons, that would be a problem that you'd have to handle, but if you're saying, "Okay, these are the flaws, and that's okay with me because love conquers the differences in how we were raised in this society," then that's okay. That's your fight, and it's just as noble as finding someone who agrees with you 100 percent (oh where are those folks anyway).