Something recently brought to my attention at work is the embedded male-or-female psychosis that I and many others have, where when something doesn’t fit into a specific category it confuses and alienates us in terms of gender. Thankfully, I’ve had some LBGTQ ally training from which I learned the importance of gender-neutrality. I didn’t think this volunteer training would apply too heavily to a summer camp where I would be working with elementary and middle school children, but one day the kids were making introductions and I couldn’t decide whether one of them was a boy or girl.
I’ll call this kid Leslie to protect their real identity, but this kid was a lightning bolt of youthful enthusiasm and desire to learn. Leslie was one of those kids you dream of being assigned to you or having in your class because they aren’t disruptive but make an earnest effort to contribute to the conversation and are genuinely enthusiastic. At first I had the usual embedded social reactions: What am I going to do if I don’t know if this kid is a boy or girl? How can I figure out if they are a boy or girl? Fortunately I caught myself early and realized, with horror, what was happening.
The week passed and I realized how little it mattered whether or not I knew Leslie’s gender identity. They excelled in their assignments, were polite and enthusiastic, and very much a healthy kid. I’m glad I got to know Leslie because they were a pleasure to teach and help, but they also made me realize how even kids can be victims of gender pigeonholing as much as adults can, and the idea of little Leslie having to deal with any of that shit in the future strikes me as a truly frustrating injustice indeed.
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Great post! Recently, I was working at a co-ed camp while attending for the week with the girls group I facilitate. Having just graduated from a feminist/anti-oppression counsellor program I was aware of the youth's gender neutral presentation but didn't give it much though until a couple of my campers asked whether they were a boy or a girl. Their name gave nothing away... this presented the perfect opportunity to start a discussion. Earlier in the day we had discussed Healthy Relationships, in a way that is inclusive of the LGBTQ community, so it was really a continuation. I was so impressed by my young women and the way they understood that in the big picture, it didn't matter either way. Boy or girl they were still expected to act with respect for diversity and other ways of properly communicating/interacting with their peers! Our youth are our future and I believe in them!!!
Don't even get me started on this. I hate how everything, EVERYTHING has to be gendered for kids. You can't buy diapers, socks, towels, sports equipment, bedding...anything for kids that isn't clearly gendered. Why on earth does everything either have to be super girly or for manly-boys. It's such bullshit, and serves to brainwash kids from birth to believe that there are these deep and fundamental differences between them. Bullshit.
Also, lots of studies have shown that, from birth, adults handle, talk to, and interact with kids in a drastically different way based on which gender they believe the kid is. In one study they dressed a baby up as a boy and had different adults hold him/her. They tended to bounce the baby on their knees, throw him/her up over their heads, talk in a fairly loud and boisterous manner, etc. When the same baby was dressed as a girl they handled him/her in a much gentler way, cuddled more, spoke more quietly, etc. In another similar study the baby was shown a jack-in-the-box. When it popped out of the box the baby cried. When the audience thought it was a boy they said things like “he’s angry” and “he doesn’t like the jack-in-the-box.” However, when they thought it was a girl they said “it scared her” and “she needs to be held/reassured/cuddled.” Notice how the girl baby has no agency in these statements. And the physical difference in how they’re handled does make a difference in how they develop and occupy their space. People will argue with you about this until they’re blue in the face, but study after study has shown these profound differences in how we interact with kids based on gender assumptions. Again, bullshit!
=)
I had to add that my little sister is currently pregnant and in my shopping for them (sex is unknown at this time) I have refused to but anything pink or blue. Even if I knew the sex of the baby (ignoring for one second the possibility of the child being intersexed) I would stick to primary colours. Green is one of my favourite colours so it and yellow are very popular when I am out shopping for the new one.
I'm made to feel bad all the time because I act like a girl. Well, I am a girl. Get used to it.
Molly- But what does it mean to "act like a girl"? Boys can engage in behaviors that are stereotypically labeled "acting like a girl" and they're still boys, are they not?
Girls can also engage in behaviors that are stereotypically "acting like a boy", but they're still girls. Anyone is capable of enjoying and engaging in a variety of behaviors, regardless of their gender.
The problem is labeling behaviors/colors/toys/etc. as gendered to begin with. Lots of gendered constructs are completely arbitrary...if you don't believe me, think about this: in the 1920s pink was considered a "boys" color, while blue was a "girls" color. It switched in the 1940s.
Remember, "Molly," that patriarchy hates anything "feminine," which is why, as a "girl," you are devalued in our society.
That being said, there is no such thing as "acting like a girl." Girls and boys are not opposites. Gender essentialism is a myth.
I'm with Tofu here. The problem is the gender constructs themselves, not the people who have been socialized to inhabit them. Think how fabulous it would be if kids grew up in a world where they were able to explore and develop a whole range of characteristics and abilities regardless of their genitalia. And the whole masculine/feminine binary is a total myth to begin with. Try to think of one actual person you know who is truly completely masculine or feminine. We all exist on a continuum of “masculinity” and “femininity,” so it’s misleading to think of them as mutually distinct categories to begin with.
I agree with all the gender identity comments made here, but for simple practicality, which pronoun do we use in reference to Leslie? Are people always expected to use "they" or the proper given name? Will that become more widespread?
On Monday, I brought my children to the dentist. She used the pronoun "she" in reference to my nine year old son, who has been confused for female, practically since birth, and is still mistaken for the twin of his two years younger sister who is of near identical height and weight. Interestingly, his Japanese name is also commonly used with both sexes. I informed the doctor my son is a "he." She also had to then confirm my short haired, plain dressed daughter with the uncommon name (Japanese in origin) was a girl, after she had already seen her chart, examined her teeth, and consulted with me half an hour earlier.
My son is an amazing non-conformist regarding gender roles, and someone as untraditionally male as myself will not teach him to be "manly." But my son is still a "he." My daughter, who is growing up with an older brother and his playmates and fellow cub scouts (she attends weekly meetings with the boys as an ununiformed guest), is a she, despite her own personality. If they want to say different, they can.
This is a separate issue, but I watched the Oprah episode on intersex this week. It was great. But whatever feelings the people may have had, they chose to identify as male or female.
Was this ambiguity Leslie's choice, or simply adults not having an opportunity to find out, as with my children?