One of the biggest struggles in my life has been being taken seriously. I grew up in a seriously screwed up family; my dad always thought everything was about him so emotions that he didn't feel or agree with weren't supposed to exist. Either that or he would pretend to share your feelings just so he could feel good about himself, but it was obvious that it wasn't about acknowledging that I was hurt or upset, it was about building his ego even more. His multiple wives resisted this, but as a young child, I didn't know any better. The older I've gotten, the less willing I am to take his crap, to the point that I won't even speak with him anymore because I know the conversation is going to be all about him.
Lately, I've begun noticing that my husband sometimes does the same thing. To be fair, I don't think that I've married a man like my father, as the old saying goes; he is wonderful in a lot of other ways. But he does make me feel sometimes like he disapproves of what I'm feeling, that I'm overreacting or reacting inappropriately. I get mad at him when he does this, of course, and tell him that I have a right (and reasons!) to feel like I do but he refuses to acknowledge it. Whenever I confront him about it (which is almost every time he does it), he claims that I'm telling him what he can and can't say, as if the only choices are to make me feel like I'm stupid or be a doormat who never says what he thinks!
On the one hand, I feel like this is just some serious miscommunication from both of us, and I wonder if there is a way that I could be handling this differently. On the other hand, I feel like the fact that he seems to think the only two options are to make me feel like I'm stupid or say nothing at all supports my belief that he thinks I'm being ridiculous in those moments. If I could change what he does, I would, but the only person's behavior that I can change is my own, but I'm also not willing to just sit there while he makes me feel dumb. Any ideas on how I can deal with this?
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My husband and I have issues similar to this, particularly when we're working together (we do a bit of theatre tech on the side). He tends to assume (I don't think he's really conscious of it at the time) that I don't know what I'm talking about, and so most of my suggestions or questions--especially if he doesn't initially understand what I'm saying--are met with patronization and the slightest bit of hostility. Essentially, his first reaction to anything I suggest has the undertone of "I can't believe you would even think of that. That's stupid."
The best thing I can tell you is to be persistent, and be calm. If you have to take half an hour to bring yourself to a place where you can confront him and be coherent about it, without snapping at him or yelling or just being frustrated, do that. My experience with my husband is that if I can tell him exactly why I don't like the way he's been talking to me ("I don't mind you not agreeing with me, but when you don't understand me you get hostile and treat me like an idiot") he doesn't have room to be defensive about it, and he can acknowledge the situation.
But you're absolutely right: you can't change his behavior. It's up to you to make sure that you're communicating your feelings and your expectations as clearly as possible, and if he doesn't want to make the effort to meet you, you haven't done anything wrong. If you can afford it (or if there's a community center or something nearby that offers it), it might be worth having one or two sessions with a relationship counsellor, who can help you figure out ways to talk to each other. And the outside opinion of his behavior might convince him that there actually is a problem with the way he's treating you. It can be easy (fucked up, but easy) for him to blow off what you say to him as "she's just mad at me" or "she's just being emotional," but if someone with no investment in the relationship agrees with you, he may have to face it.
Thanks, Maggie. It's good to feel like I'm not alone in this. And thanks for the good advice. I will try some of that.