This is something that I wrote in my personal blog last October. I had just started my second year of women's studies and my first year being involved with the V-Day campaign on my university campus.
I have wanted to share something on the Femininisting community but have had little time between work to write a coherent post, so I'd like to share this one with everyone.
One of the criticisms I have heard again Feminism is that the movement is exclusive to women and that, as the stereo-type says, feminists hate men. I am a strong believer in men becoming more involved in feminist issues. I think that if you believe as I do, that we live in a Patriarchal society that generally privileges a certain group over others (that group being White, Upper Middle class, Christian, Able Bodied, Heterosexual Males), then part of the struggle towards equality does include men.
Yet, how do we get men more involved? And how can they be convinced that as privileged persons they will have to learn to put that privilege aside?
I got to thinking about this after a conversation that involved a twenty-something white male lamenting about his cell phone being ruined after it had taken a turn in the washing machine. It was suggested that he perhaps check his pockets before washing his clothing when he burst out, “I would but my mother always gets to my laundry first!” I was taken aback. He continued to comment that he just had a higher tolerance for un-tidy behavior than his mother did but that he wished she wouldn’t internalize the female role of doing all the house work, including her 20-something son’s laundry. He then joked about not wanting to “give up a good thing.”
His response, at least in my experience, is typical. He wishes she wouldn’t feel like she needs to do housework to be a good wife/mother/woman and claims to have preached the gospel of Feminism to her only to watch it “fly over her head”. However, the whole time he is doing this he fails to realize that he is actually excersizing his privlege and never makes andy attempts for change himself. And this is something that more men will have to realize to become more involved in feminist issues of equality: it isn’t about women fixing themselves and each other. We’ve been told enough through self-help books, tv shows, and magazines that we are the problem that requires fixing. Instead, men need to start stepping up and taking responsibility for their part in things like “internalized housework” as self worth.
Another example and one that is brought up in feminist communities often, is the lack of male vocalization against violence towards women. Many of us know about the sexual assaults that took place on York University campus a few weeks ago. As pointed out by a friend, when news reports were discussing the arrest of the individuals allegedly involved, they also made note that the dorm room doors of the victims had been left unlocked. The news eventually dropped this piece of information, I would like to imagine because they were told how damaging and victim blaming it is.
When violence occurs against women there is a strong tendency to make comments such as:
“Why did she put herself in that situation?”
“What kind of clothes was she wearing?”
“Why did she walk that way instead of another?”
“Didn’t she know any better?”
And some of these questions, that can also be phrased as ‘helpful advice’, places blame on the victim. It is somehow assumed that it is her fault or could have been avoided if only she had been more wise.
We need less of this, immediately. Instead, where is the advice to men that they should, to put it simply and bluntly: Not Commit Violence (physical, verbal, sexual) Against Women!
I would suggest more men need to stand up and be willing to take responsibility for themselves and others. More need to speak out against the repugnance of rape, partner abuse, street harassment, sexual assualt jokes, and male bonding over putting down their wife, girlfriend, sisters, daughters, mothers, female friends, coworkers, waitresses, cashiers, teachers, the woman on the street, etc. And more need to take actions in their own lives that support equal partnerships and work relationships instead of not wanting to “ruin a good thing.”
So, how does one convince men that they need to be involved in the struggle for equality - freedom from harassment and assualt - instead of letting those who are less privileged try to claw their way up to those who are?
Honestly, I wish I had a clear answer. But I’m an advocate for education and awareness, which is at least a start… And I’m starting at home with my partner.
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You have to convince them that they have a priviledge that they do not always see. They may know intellectually that they get paid more, but may not think it happens where they work. I have always had public employment (military and state jobs) where everybody knows what everybody else gets paid, and how they get promoted. That transparency makes calling bullshit easier, though problems can exist.
You also have to convince them that this is what they should be spending their energy on. If you are familiar with Putnam Bowling Alone you know community activity and social activity has declined in the United States (though it may have gone up after the publication of his book). If people are beat after a day of work they may not care no matter how much they agree. Maybe they do a little and don't want to do more.
Finally you have to get them to pick feminism specifically. They could focus on politics in general, poverty, racism, the environment so forth, and may not want to make the switch to feminism.
There's an old saying in sales: "No one cares what you know until they know that you care", specifically about their needs and how they are to be met.
The classic answer to the question you suggest, as far as I'm concerned, is "Why should we?", or, more to the point, "What's In It For Me?" I can't see that a workable answer to this is just the general interest, that a more just and equitable society is somehow in men's best interests, individually and/or collectively, which if you think about it is a curious inversion of the old precept that men's interests ARE the interests of society in general.
There are and may always be a minority of men who do express a great interest in feminism as it exists, out of great belief in general justice or whatever. Most of us however gravitate towards interests and movements with which we have some personal stake or interest. The number of people with a great deal of available time and interest to invest in someone else's cause, enough that it would put them out or serve to their individual disadvantage in any significant way, are always going to be uncommon, and probably never a very large proportion of the population.
Frankly, to be perfectly honest, I've never heard a clear and convincing case as of yet as to how, in concrete and direct terms, supporting feminism improves the lives or fortunes of men. Coming up with such an answer might help. I notice that you use a very imperative tone with regards to what men need to do, you specifically say that men "need" to do this or that in five separate and specific instances. Perhaps focusing less on telling what men "need" to do to benefit feminism, which implies that the goal is to benefit feminism first and men second, or perhaps not at all, and focusing more on listening to what men need, and seeking ways to answer that, might help.
Otherwise, I would expect feminism to continue to be regarded as something of a parochial and exclusive interest, focused on and benefiting women exclusively.