Wow. So the other night I was just mindlessly watching “The Soup” on E! as I got ready to go out, and let me tell you, I needed a drink after that. Can I just say that I saw this coming long ago when my women’s studies students informed me there’d be a new romance reality show featuring a bisexual woman, and thus, both male and female contestants. (First aside, this show could have never happened with a male bisexual, which is so unacceptable in our culture.) Yes, I’m talking about Tila Tequila’s “A Shot at Love.”
And yes, I realize I’m actually spending time discussing the Myspace queen who stupidly takes credit for making gay marriage acceptable.
Now I didn’t see the whole show in question but I looked it up later to watch the relevant snippets. “The Soup” reported that the final episode of “A Shot at Love” had Tequila choosing between a woman and a man, and during the episode the woman has some sort of breakdown. Apparently, being chosen by Tequila must be a huge commitment because she is SOO torn over…wait for it…if she “wants a man or a woman.” (follow this link for the clip of the actual episode-the scene in question is at 1:05 remaining on the clip). As the host Joel McHale rightly comments, “I thought that was sort of implied when you said you were a bisexual.” Of course, Tequila chooses the woman, and, on cue, the woman declines.
“The Soup” posits that this was done to have a 3rd season of the show, which is very likely, but it also conveniently qualms our fears about the threat of lesbian sexuality and reiterates stereotypes about bisexuality to make it less threatening, more hetero-affirmative, and indeed co-opts it for male heterosexual desire. Tequila just couldn’t choose a woman and live happily ever after. The show being comprised of both guy-girl and girl-girl action was likely primarily intended to titilate the hetero male mind, not to actually show a loving caring relationship between two women external to any male pleasure. I mean, everyone knows that lesbians can only be seen if they’re heterosexually-validated as “hot”…and if we can watch. And bisexuality? That’s really just for bar games and threesomes. So of course, any serious attempt at an intimate relationship between two women must be thwarted.
(I do realize that I’m trying to ascribe a serious relationship to reality show couples, and how much that just seems goofy. But if they’re trying to make us think this is serious love, I’m going to treat it as such.)
And what better way to thwart the potential relationship of love and desire sans men? By having the contestant question her sexuality. You see, she doesn’t know if she wants to be with a man or a woman. If she dates a woman, she might “miss” men. (Don’t worry fellas, no bi woman is actually satisfied with women, and the possibility of missing the ultimate almighty penis is always lingering in the back of her mind.) She just can’t decide! This is the exact popular bullshit misunderstanding about bisexuality: That bi’s want to be with both as opposed to being with either . They don’t want to decide, they can’t commit because they like “both.” Sorry, wrong. Bisexuals like either . In other words, they’re attracted to people, not to genitals. They don’t need a penis-fix when they’re dating a woman, and they don’t break up with their partners because they “feel like” being with another gender. But the episode reiterates the idea that bis are basically failed straights and failed gays. And the female finalist says that throughout the show she was worried that she wasn’t “good enough” because she is bi and the other contestants were lesbian. WTF?! And what does it mean that the show’s producers (likely) scripted the conclusion this way? That the female Tequila chooses is the only bi out of all the women, and, surprise! she like playing with women but doesn’t want a relationship with one–that this is how bisexuality is represented?!
Further, the woman says “this is more than a key, this is something I have to live up to.” As in, playing lesbo is fun and all, but I can’t live up to being a “real” woman-lover and “give up” men, even for a time. Again, this says don’t worry guys, women may say they’re bi and “have fun” with each other, and are fun to watch (wink wink), but don’t worry, “living up” to a relationship with a woman is too scary for them. No worries, women will always come back to the almighty phallus!
On their date, the female contestant tells Tequila that she is nervous about her lack of experience–she’s never been in a serious relationship with a woman although she’s had relationships with women. Tequila assuages her worries, but clearly, despite her “120% certainty” of her feelings for Tequila, for some unknown reason, her certain feelings cannot seem to translate into a relationship. And as we find out, these uncertainties are less about her experience and more about her ’sexuality.’
It just seems awfully convenient that the only bi character is chosen as a finalist, and as it turns out, she doesn’t really want to date women, just play around with them, in a conveniently safe and nonthreatening representation of women’s bisexuality for heterosexual men.
This treatment of bisexuality also reiterates that there are “only two”: women, men; hetero, homo. Sexuality isn’t fluid, or changing, or multiple, or varied. Just either/or…and you have to choose. Now. For all time.
And I think that’s utter crap.
Recommended Reading: Looking Both Ways: Bisexual Politics
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Yes! Thank you! I am so sick of the whole idea of girl-on-girl 'action' for the purpose of turning on men. I am bisexual. I have a boyfriend, he's a sweet guy, but the one thing he doesn't seem to get through is head is that if I find myself having sex with another woman...it will not be for his enjoyment. It would probably be as either as a result of or as a precursor to my leaving him. People can be turned on by whatever they're turned on by, but I wish that heterosexual men would figure out that it's not all about them. That no, lesbians, if they want to look at porn, are not going to look at mainstream girl-on-girl scenes, because these scenes are not going to be geared towards their pleasure. They're going to look at whatever is meant for their actual sexuality!
This whole phenomenon annoys me so much.
Let's not forget on season 1 of shot at love, Tila choose a man and then they "broke up" in order for their to be a season two. Amidst all of this, Tila was fending off accusations that she's only bi for pay so I figured (even though I didn't actually watch) that they would have her choose a woman this time around. It wasn't until I saw the clip on the Soup that I discovered that one of the lesbian contestants was "bi" (and the ONLY bi sexual among all those lesbians?) and she dumped Tila. You're right, it's totally a bullshit portrayl of bisexuality and that there would never be the male version of this show.
Never having seen the show (only all the claims that Tequila is an attention whore), I still have to comment on the "bisexuals as confused" urban legend. I also am bisexual and seriously dating a man who cannot wrap his head around the concept of bisexuality. In fact, we just had a huge fight about the fact that in his opinion I am not bisexual because I don't want to a) date or b)sleep with a woman while I am simultaneously dating him. So...I must be confused. Luckily he's not encouraging a threesome [which is I guess a small relief], but it had me wondering, is it possible to be validated as a bisexual? Especially when popular culture views bisexuality more as a lesbian until graduation phenomenon or a publicity stunt? We're not fence sitters or equal opportunity whores. I may be only speaking for myself, but I'm an equal opportunity lover of beauty who calls herself bisexual only because society insists on labels.
jacalhou: I may be only speaking for myself, but I'm an equal opportunity lover of beauty who calls herself bisexual only because society insists on labels.
No, that's how I feel, too. I want to be with the people who appeal to me, and I don't feel limited by genitalia. It's not everyone's cup of tea, but it is mine.
I do get propositioned for threesomes a lot and I have to calmly explain that that's not what most bisexuals do (though some do!) and that people are not sex toys to spice up your sex life.
I also get the whole, "Pussy isn't enough for you, huh? You need the cock/a good deep-dicking." thing. First off, way to miss the point from Chasing Amy. Secondly, it's not about the sex. It's about the person. Everyone has a preference as to the kind of person that they find appealing, and for most people, that's limited by the genitalia. It's just part of the deal. And that's totally fine. Most heterosexuals or homosexuals also have relationships outside of the sex. Shock!
So, thanks a whole lot for nothing, Tila Tequila. I don't think you really want to advance the notions of equality or realism in otherly-sexual relationships. I'm pretty sure you want attention. I could be wrong, though, in which case, I say that you might want a different approach.
"Don’t worry fellas, no bi woman is actually satisfied with women, and the possibility of missing the ultimate almighty penis is always lingering in the back of her mind.) She just can’t decide! This is the exact popular bullshit misunderstanding about bisexuality: That bi’s want to be with both as opposed to being with either . They don’t want to decide, they can’t commit because they like “both.” Sorry, wrong. Bisexuals like either . In other words, they’re attracted to people, not to genitals."
I think I'm one of the exceptions...I'm definitely bisexual in that I want to be with both. When I'm in a relationship with a man I yearn for a woman, when I'm in a relationship with a woman I yearn for a man. I'm open to people in between! I agree that I'm attracted to the people, not the genitals, but yet men and women bring something different to the table for me and I have a strong desire for both. That doesn't mean I'm wishy washy or unable to commit - if I'm with a serious partner it takes some negotiation on degrees of openness in the relationship.
But yeah, when I'm dating someone of one gender the thought of the other gender IS in the back of my mind, but I'm up front with my partners about it and if it doesn't work for them, we part ways.
I do totally see where you're coming from though and I receive a lot of flack for my orientation as well. It was just the "Sorry, wrong, bisexual people aren't like that ever" that made me need to comment...because I am!
It is true that there has been no show with a male bi-sexual that follows this premise, but there was this show: http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2003/oct/30/bskyb.broadcasting
that had men vying for the affections of a transgender woman who had not yet had the surgery to completely turn her into a woman. Because, you know, it is funny to trick guys into liking other "guys" and make them all homophobic. It was very insulting.
wowcabbage: "I want to be with the people who appeal to me, and I don't feel limited by genitalia"
That sums up exactly how I feel, too.
Unfortunately the only lesbian I know cannot get her head around the concept of bisexuality. She denies my right to the label. She dogmatically claims people are either gay or straight. When I told her I had had sex with three women to prove to her that I am bi, she said I was just experimenting and it didn't count. The fact that after that I went with a man again proved I was straight.
Any thoughts?