Why, as women, are we so often seen as not capable of making decisions about our own damn bodies?  When it comes to incredibly personal choices such as contraception and abortion, everyone seems to have an opinion about what is right, even though each woman has her own unique circumstances and ultimately is the one who has to live with the consequences.

I am child-free by choice.  I married an amazing man who also wants to stay child-free.  I was recently diagnosed with a debilitating painful medical condition that could be treated either with a medical procedure with a high rate of recurrence of pain, or by hysterectomy (with extremely low probability of recurrence).  I chose hysterectomy.

My husband supported me in my decision and came with me to see the specialist who would perform the surgery.  I went through a long conversation with this specialist explaining my decision, and that it was well thought-out and not impulsive.  I mentioned that we wanted to be child-free anyway, and that my husband and I had discussed it at length.  The doctor nodded, then turned to my husband and asked “so what do you think?”  As if I couldn’t make my own fucking decision.  As if I needed my husband’s permission or blessing.  As if I hadn’t just told him that we had discussed it at length!  My husband was as shocked at the question as I was, and, in a moment I will love him for for the rest of my life, replied something to the effect of “My wife just told you her decision, why are you asking me?”  The doctor still pressed and asked him a few more questions until he was apparently satisfied that my husband really did agree with me.

Why did that doctor not trust me?  Why did he feel the need to turn to my husband at all to get permission for a medical procedure that affected my health?  What if my husband had wanted kids and disagreed with me?  Would I be forced to keep living in pain because my doctor let my husband make that personal medical decision for me?  I admit, to my shame, that I never confronted the doctor about it.

I worry that women’s medical decisions could be getting pre-empted by the opinions of others in situations like this.  I’m curious how many others have similar experiences.  What can we do to change this, both by dealing with it as it happens and by changing people’s perspectives so this stops happening in the first place? 

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