Pretty cool. :) I like the way you're acknowledging the possibility of her having a female partner. It would be cool to also acknowlege the possibility of her having no partner. Let her know that you won't stiop caring about her if she's lesbian or bisexual and that you won't stop caring about her if no one wants to have sex with her.

I mention this because I'm reminded of when I was a teen reading the book Changing Bodies, Changing Lives. The authors seemed very accepting of teen sex, but also seemed to think that if you don't want to have sex you can just make out with your boyfriend or girlfriend instead. As if the only teens in the audience were the ones who had boyfriends or girlfriends in the first place, and qas if the rest of us have no sexuality. For that matter, I wonder what boys who read the book while not having girlfriends thought about it (how many felt dismissed as I did? how many felt entitled to have girlfriends?).

Mina,
Good point. While I mention masterbation, saying "No", overcoming the "Yes, yes, yes" conditioning,
It wasn't clear enough in my message that alone is wonderful too.

While I've had my share of relationships (from age 19 on)I'm not currently in a relationship. I love being alone.

Thanks

MetaHara commented at July 20, 2008 6:17 PM: "Mina,
Good point."

Thanks!

MetaHara commented at July 20, 2008 6:17 PM: "While I mention masterbation, saying 'No', overcoming the 'Yes, yes, yes' conditioning,
It wasn't clear enough in my message that alone is wonderful too."

Yeah, I liked those parts too! :) I guess my comment was less about her saying "No" to other people than about other people saying "No" to her, and how she's still a totally worthwhile human being even if the conditioning she gets is less "Yes, yes, yes" than "No, not women like you"...

Great post! Mina, I like the point you made in the 1st comment too.

Not to be overly critical because I really like this post and think it's awesome, as are the comments in response to it, but I might add one more thing:

Maybe make it clear that it is also okay not to be sexual. From what I understand [I do not have personal experience here, so I am speaking as someone who has spoken with a few people who do], asexuality or lack of interest in sex at certain points in someone's life can also be a healthy and acceptable lifestyle. There may be some cases in which there are issues with intimacy, in which case I would recommend therapy but not judgment, but not all people who choose to not engage in sex do so for those reasons.

Just one more way to make your already incredibly constructive and inclusive information a tiny bit more-so. :)

"Your father will get over it."

And it's not his business anyway -- especially if you're an adult.

I have a very young daughter, and I have done some thinking about what to tell her. I laid it out at length on another thread:

"The winger view, and the closet-puritan view that I think the majority buy into, is to teach that sex is fraught and dangerous and should be avoided, and push abstinence as a way to dodge STIs, pregnancy, rape (of course, it doesn't work that way, as we all know). But it's safe and comfortable for adults. They can just say, "just say no" and hope for the best instead of engaging their children as young, developing sexual beings. It's lazy, it's cowardly, it's the easy cop-out. It is not very effective, it provides kids no information to fall back on if they don't "just say no," and it is impossible to push sex as the locus of fear and shame but then also teach that the opposite becomes true once a magic piece of jewelry changes hands. (As an aside, I think it is possible to teach that sex is safer and better in a loving, committed relationship -- not necessarily my view, but a perfectly valid model -- but teaching that doesn't get the wingnuts where they want to go, as lots of teens are in loving, committed relationships ten years before they settle down and marry, and some with people they could only legally marry in two states).

"So, a "just say no" approach, while it doesn't work, has wide support. But it cuts against the learning teens get from even the slightest contact with reality. They know desire and pleasure, and they know that having them in a safe and respectful environment is good and makes them want more. So in order to maintain the dour regime of foregoing all sexual pleasure to avoid the risks, it has to be a complete worldview. Teaching information that would assist them if they make the choice to be sexually active might make them curious. Teaching them that masturbation and sexual pleasure might make them want more. Teaching them anything might make them want more; the only safe course is to try to create an environment that hermetically seals them from pleasure.

"There are alternatives, or course. Besides the information, parents can provide their children with values; and I mean ones that are different form the ones that the "values" lobby supports.

"I have young kids, both sexes. Here's my plan: we are already using proper terms for genitals. Penis, testes, vulva. We don't mock them, we don't discourage touching them. My oldest is a preschooler, and he knows that some things are done in certain places. We pee in the toilet, we touch our private parts in private; our bedroom or our bathroom. (He has a sense of privacy; when he wants to masturbate in the tub, he says, "Daddy, can you leave for a minute?" And of course I do.)

"We pass on the values we believe in. Not all kids have a mommy and a daddy; some kids have two dads, some kids have just one parent. When our friends visit, we don't get all upset about explaining that two men are a couple like mommy and daddy; when they are teens, they won't be "introduced" to the existence of gays and lesbians and bisexual folks; they will already understand that these folks exist.

"When it's time for them to decide whether they are ready for sex, I will provide them a better answer than "no." Because that doesn't work, and because it's not our view. Instead, since they will ultimately make that decision alone, without me standing over them, they need to know how to decide.

"They need to know that they need to feel safe, know their limits will be respected, believe their partner sees them as an equal. They need to hear and respect their partner's limits and see their partner as an equal. They need to know that consent is not the absence of "no," that consent is the presence of "yes," it is affirmative, enthusiastic participation. Sex with a partner who is merely willing to acquiesce is wrong; if their partner is not into it, I expect them not to push.

"If they can't talk about what both of their boundaries are, what they want to do, then they also will not be prepared to say when they are over their heads, moving too fast or want to stop. If they are with a partner who can't verbalize limits, how could they know if their partner is okay? The only way to make sure that both people are getting what they want is to know that both people are willing to actively say what they want. That's a high standard, but in my view it's a lot more realistic than "wait until marriage," and a lot more likely to lead to a lifelong healthy view of sex.

"They need to know that they and their partner have the same view of what it means. Are they both in love? Is this a relationship or not? What are the rules of the relationship? If it's just play, are they both prepared to say that it means neither partner has any expectations of the other?

"They need to know what precautions to take and be able to discuss them. If they can't walk into a drug store, buy condoms and lube and tell their partner they intend to use them, they are not ready.

"When they are ready to answer those questions for themselves and resolve them with their partners, they con go ahead and do what they like; if they are not ready then they need a reason to say that, even when there are no authority figures there to wag a finger.

"That's not to say that we want to encourage early sexual activity. We plan on telling them honest information about how teens nationwide stack up, to counter the rumor mill about who did what. We don't want them thinking they are late to the game if they are not sexually active at 16 or 17; they have a lot of company, though much of the culture would lead one to conclude that 14-year-olds are having intercourse in the hallways or school, it's not true. And we plan to de-emphasize intercourse: lots of women don't really enjoy penetration until they are older (though that's not universal), not everyone prefers intercourse to oral or manual stimulation, and it comes with a lot of risks that other sexual activities reduce.

"There are alternatives to hysteria and denial. One such alternative is to teach our children from childhood, progressively, assuming that they will become adults who will make these decisions for themselves and preparing them to do so."

LL, good point about asexuality; kids need to know that if they are asexual, they are not horrific freaks, and that's not easy in a culture where sex is marketed like a commodity.

I wish I'd been told this when I was younger instead of having to figure it out for myself.