I liked this post! Your second story highlights something that really bugs - parents who are unwilling to explain "difficult" things to their kids. If you are too icked out by everything sex-related to honestly discuss the topic with your children, don't have children. I HATE when people say that gays and lesbians shouldn't do such-and-such in public because "what will I tell my kids?!" Um, you step up to the parental plate and tell them that some people are in relationships with people of the same sex. WTF is so hard about that? Kids aren't born bigoted.

I have a couple to add, from the last couple of months. One person at the local interagency meetings (keep in mind everyone in the meeting works for some sort of community service agency - mental health, women's shelter, child protection, etc) insists on referring to Aboriginal men and women as "the Aboriginals". To add to it, she is actually discussing essentially using this man and woman to educate white people, allowing others like myself (not that I participated) to appropriate their culture. It offended me greatly and I am a white woman, I can only imagine how impressed some people in the room likely felt. We do have a plan as a team/agency to address this at the next meeting.

The second event occurred at a workshop/professional training provided in part by the Canadian Mental Health Association. A woman made a comment about one of her clients, who I am assuming has an intellectual disability, and she referred to him by using the word "retarded". I was blown away, completely offended and couldn't focus for the rest of the day. This woman works with clients who have mental health background, criminal records, and/or different abilities, I can only assume that almost all of her clients are oppressed every time they are forced to work with her.

I also continue to hear from professionals in the non-profit field things like "That's so gay" or "That's so retarded" - you can't say that! Using a group of people as some kind of metaphor for being uncool or just not right, is completely oppressive and offensive. Start to recognize your own privilege and think before you speak!!!

I'm with SexySmallTownFemme on this. I object each and every time I hear someone say "That's so gay," and it's depressing how people react. They look at you in amazement and act like you’re totally overreacting. Some of them even respond with "but you're straight" ...as if that's a reason for me to look the other way. I was teaching math at the local alternative high school two years ago, and it took monumental effort to get the other teachers to agree with me that this was an inappropriate thing for students to say.

So I have mixed feelings about this: I made a T-shirt for a pro-gay marriage event here on campus that says "Marriage is so gay." In some ways I think it’s funny and thought-provoking, but the fact that it plays on this really offensive saying makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. Add to that the fact that most people who know me know that I don’t really have a very positive view of marriage... What do you guys think?

I like it!! I get what you are saying, but to me it is about taking something back that is otherwise being used in an offensive way. Turning it into a political message that will likely gather a lot of attention is AOK with me!

I had a similar experience after graduating from my very liberal college and moving on to a large public university for grad school. I had become so accustomed to being around people who were socially conscious and feminist (or at least aware of feminist issues), that it was a huge shock to hear the other people in my program making comments that ranged from ignorant to blatantly offensive. These are college-educated people hoping to join a field that recognizes human diversity (psychology)!
After hearing way too many rape jokes and gay jokes, I eventually stopped going to social outings with them. I know I should try to express how I feel, but I am too shy and unconfident to do that yet, maybe someday :).

Gomillis--I decided about a month ago, after having heard one too many rape 'jokes,' that whenever I heard one from then on, I'd tell the 'jokester' that hir words weren't cool with me. The first time I had to do so the 'jokesters' were at least five years younger than me (I'm twenty). These are the boys my younger sister's going to be growing into maturity with. Scary. When I go back to school in the fall, I might have to start doing this with 'gay' and 'retarded' as well. Just saying to yourself, "you know what, fuck it, this ain't right" can be helpful. Question their privileges. They're not the only ones who matter.

"If you are too icked out by everything sex-related to honestly discuss the topic with your children, don't have children."

That would be one way to drastically reduce the numbers of Christian Fundamentalists.

I agree with many of the previous posters. I think that has got to be one of the most annoying things I hear: "How am I going to explain that to my kid?" That is the excuse so many hetero people give instead of taking the situation as an opportunity to educate their children about everyday life. My mom was selling artwork at a local antique shop (in Louisiana) and the owner took down some signs that said, "Be Gay and Stay" because a customer got upset when her daughter asked her what gay was. I'm sorry, but BE A PARENT! Instead of silencing anything that doesn't fit your idea of normal, why don't you, as a parent, BE RESPONSIBLE!! And if you teach your children about the world when they ask you these questions, they will be so much more accepting as they grow up.

Are these examples really the best you can come up with?

1. HR designations of race are inherently silly. The fact that your co-workers found the humour in this is actually a positive sign of an open mind. I think a person of mixed race would be more offended by the categories than jokes about the inherent silliness of the categories. I work with a very diverse group and we joke all the time about brown, beige, yellow, white, bronzer.

2. Most parents are flummoxed when their children start to question them about sex, straight or gay; and then they laugh about their ineptitude with their friends. If this father was really a homophobe, his reaction would have been anger.

If you look really hard for examples of sexism and racism in your co-workers, you will find it.

By all means, speak up if you encounter real examples of sexism/racism, but remember that people respond to genuine understanding and compassion, not self-righteous indignation.

talulahgosh:"Are these examples really the best you can come up with? ....If you look really hard for examples of sexism and racism in your co-workers, you will find it.By all means, speak up if you encounter real examples of sexism/racism, but remember that people respond to genuine understanding and compassion, not self-righteous indignation."

I wish talulah had better things to do then to respond to a post that it seems she didn't read. Dana called the men in question "smart, nice people." The reason that she says regrets not speaking up about their comments is out of concern for their growth and development: "They will never learn to think about those who have different experiences from them or how their comments could offend/alienate those around them."

Dana also didn't say the man in situation 2 was "a homophobe," she only said that he saw being heterosexual as the norm.

talulah seems not to recognize or care that the whole culture is racist, sexist, homophobic from the religious instituions, to the laws, to the biases of law enforcement, the media and the military, etc.

The problem isn't that there are a few bad apples. It is not the case that there are a few isolated "real" racists who commit racists acts (such as lynchings) or "real" sexists who commit sexist acts (such as so-called 'honor killings') and the culture outside of them, as a whole, is totally innocently accepting of all diversity and frowns upon and justly punishes those individuals.

If a person is not resisting their socialization and herd instinct at every turn they are bound to think, do or say something racist, sexist or homophobic (and as Dana says still be "smart, nice people"). I would only hope if I thoughtlessly made an oppressive remark (like calling a mixed gendered group "you guys") someone as thoughtful as Dana would have the courage to call me out.

I think that talulah's post showed more "self-righteous indignation," than Dana's thoughtful post than.

I mean, wow, thanks talulah, for pointing out that there are "real" instances of "sexism/racism" (what about homophobia?), but how about taking your own advice that "people respond to genuine understanding and compassion" before starting another post on this community blog again?

"talulah seems not to recognize or care that the whole culture is racist, sexist, homophobic from the religious instituions, to the laws, to the biases of law enforcement, the media and the military, etc."

I don't? Then what am I doing on feministing? WOW, so what you're saying is that if I have a different opinion, than I'm not a feminist?

I am 100% hardcore feminist. People at work know it, I always speak up when I hear friends, family members, or co-workers say something sexist/racist/homophobic. But there's a way to do so that promotes understanding and there's a way to do so that just lets everyone know that you have a liberal arts college bias.

Part of being an active feminist is engaging in dialogue with other feminists. And I feel very strongly that we veer off the path of constructive work when we get bogged down in critiquing other men and women, feminist or not, for being less than ideologically pure.