You know what has always helped me feel good about how I look? Nude art. I was surrounded by it when I was a child. It wasn't the nipped and tucked, blow-up doll women you see in most porn, but pregnant women, large women, stick-thin women, etc. I think being surrounded so much by so many different representations of women who didn't seem to be ashamed of their bodies even though their bodies didn't fit the supposed ideal made me feel a lot more comfortable with my own. I would honestly suggest that you take a nude drawing class and search out nude art that doesn't fit the mold. There are porn websites that feature a variety of body types too, like this one. I think it might actually help you to see images like this and possibly overcome some of the "ew, ick" that was ingrained in you as a child.

Another way I've found to feel better about my body is exercise. It's amazing what feeling the abilities of your own body can do for you mentally, and I personally always feel really sexy after I've done some exercise.

IF you want to, of course; I don't want to imply that there is anything wrong with you for feeling this way or that there is anything wrong with you if you choose not to take my advice. :)

I'm also curious if your partner wants to go to the strip club. It might be hard, but it sounds like you should possibly talk to him more about his expectations and your expectations. I know conservative upbringings don't generally prepare you to have discussions like that but if you are both as patient and understanding as possible with each other, it might be very revealing and help with your fears that he won't find you attractive compared to strippers and porn.

Also, I know my husband looks at porn , and I'm pretty sure most of it is women who don't really look like me, but he still initiates sex on a regular basis, tells me I'm beautiful, touches me like he means it, etc. Maybe your fear is grounded in reality; maybe he doesn't really touch you or doesn't look you in the eye when he compliments you or something subtle like that?

I hope all of this helps!

My husband views porn and stuff, but it doesn't make him any less attracted to me, and I'm hardly perfect!

You can't put all the blame on these guys, as you yourself are part of the problem here- you are buying into the exact same notion of perfection that they are. They may have said strippers' bodies set the standard, but YOU are the one who believed them- so it's not the sex workers who are perpetuating this myth, it's YOU.

Remember- the only person who can make you feel inadequate is YOU.

And the next time those friends of your boyfriend start trash-talking women's bodies, I hope you speak up. Don't let them get away with it. Putting down other people is a sign of insecurity with oneself- they probably realize they have zero chance with the girls they are putting down, so in order to boost their sagging egos, they pretend she isn't good enough. It's sour grapes, and nothing more.

okay, I had a similar problem with the boyfriend recently. I am not anti-porn or anti-sex work and I don't really mind if he is looking at porn (especially because he's usually looking at pictures of me, so it's cool.)

However, I recently learned that he had been trolling social networking sites looking for pictures of attractive women to add to his "stash". Needless to say, I was incredibly uncomfortable about this, and confronted him about it. Not only was it sort of creepy, but it made me feel less attractive as a woman.

I just brought my opinions up to him and didn't accuse him of anything. Because he respects my feelings, he deleted all the pictures and hasn't looked for anymore.

I think the only thing you can do is discuss this with your partner. Of course, you can't force him to do anything, but he can certainly listen, and you can get his side of the story as well. And really the best thing that can happen is a compromise!

p0w3rful posted at July 15, 2008, at 12:49PM: "To address the latter, I know I'm not as beautiful or as sexy as the women in the videos or at strip or exotic dance clubs, so I worry about how my partner will be satisfied with me if he watches so many better looking women."

Meanwhile, I know I don't meet conventional standards for beauty and sexiness as much as most women walking down the street, taking the subway, going to work, attending class, etc. do. If I ever have a partner, then should I worry about how satisfied he would be with me if he steps outdoors regularly and he's not blind?

I'm completely with Mina on this one. There seems to be an underlying (false) presumption that you have made that men (your partner included) can only find one type of woman attractive at a time. As a man, I can tell you that this is entirely false. This seems to go along with our culture's (unfortunate)idea that some body types are superior to others. There is no pinnacle of female development, just like there is no master race. What we have are varied body types that are all beautiful in their own way. I can find both my girlfriend and a porn "actress" attractive, sexually. The difference is I'm /in love/ with my girlfriend, and that love makes my attraction much stronger than any that I could have towards any other woman. If your partner cares about you at all (which he obviously does), going into a strip-club will not make him think you are less attractive. Just the same, if the idea of him watching other women makes you uncomfortable, it is his job to respect that and not go, just as you would decline to do something that makes him uncomfortable.

I'm not sure how much my comment will help your situation, but I wanted to tell you my issues with strip clubs. I very much like the way my body looks, and I do not fear that my boyfriend may compare me to the women on stage. But like you, I would be upset if he went to a strip club, and he hopefully wouldn't want to upset me, so he wouldn't go (we've been going out a year, there hasn't been a time yet when he's wanted to go). So my issues are:
1. You never know how freely the women on stage made the choice to be up there. Especially here in Canada, we 'import' women from other countries to dance here and I'm sure they don't always know what they are getting into, or have a way to get out (same goes with Canadian women dancing)
2. The only naked woman I want to be within a couple feet of my boyfriend is me (the jealousy reason)
3. I think for a lot of guys it is a pointless waste of money. My boyfriend has admitted that he doesn't get turned on at strip clubs, and that it isn't that much fun going. I think him and his friends have a lot more fun playing billiards or paintball, and those activities don't make the women in their lives uncomfortable. I think that many guys think they should like strip clubs because it is a 'manly' place to be, regardless of how much they actually like going there.

I think that the vast, vast majority of women struggle with what you are talking about. I have just a few thoughts:

In my experience, most men are far more reasonable about women's bodies than we give them credit for. Your boyfriend might find strippers and actresses attractive, but he also probably realizes that maintaining their figures and looks in most cases requires a level of attention that he has no interest in you demonstrating. There are certainly guys who judge women soley by looks (and it sounds like your boyfriend's co-workers are among them), but in my experience most guys recognize that unless we are getting paid to look good, we have other stuff we need to do with our time, and they have no interest in you giving up this other stuff to spend all day at the gym. It is probably that stuff that has made him interested in dating you for the past 5 years.

2. I think it is also totally normal for you to be uncomftorable about the idea of your boyfriend going to a strip club with guys who sound like such assholes. I think your boyfriend is very aware though, that he has been in a healthy relationship for five years and they spend their time and money at strip clubs and on porn. I doubt he envies them...

"It just makes me feel jealous, uncomfortable and ashamed of my own body... Which is something I probably just need to get over but it's hard! Does anyone else grapple with this?"

Forgive me but I feel like this is one of those conflicts between male and female sexuality (generally speaking).

Few people will deny that being attractive is one of the most important factors for women to attract a mate. In turn, women expend a lot of mental and physical energy toward this goal and in return get relatively little reassurance in comparison to the bombardment of messages and expectations from the outside word and their partners.

Secondly, it's perfectly natural for you to compare yourself to other women. You've been trained to do this from childhood. How else could you have learned to navigate the twists and perils of courtship?

The reality is that both men and women are still attracted to other people even when they are in a steady relationship. Yet we mostly hear from women how this affects their self-esteem. It would be interesting to hear how men would feel about their partners paying money to explore these attractions. And I'm not talking male strip clubs or porn. If the current demand and content situation in the sex industry is any indication, females will most likely demand something else as an outlet.

People are free to negotiate their boundaries within their relationships but I suspect a lot of women are sucking it up as part of the "price" of being in a relationship.

So, don't apologize for the way you feel. Just keep the communication open with your partner. Keep working it out. Don't let others minimize your outlook.

I think it's okay to ask your partner not to do these things if they make you uncomfortable and open up a dialogue to discuss it. After all, if something you did made him feel bad, wouldn't you want to talk about it and figure out a solution?

I have mixed feelings on sex work and porn. Most of my negativity comes from the coercion and exploitation of the actors onscreen. The other part is in the execution of the film. I don't like it when women (or men!) are called degrading or insulting names or have things done to them that are dehumanizing and degrading. I don't like the sheer amount of misinformation in porn about sexuality and what people want/enjoy. I don't think it's a bad thing to question the validity and need of these types of media. If the people in question are willing, informed and enjoy what they do, then I support it.

I think your boyfriend needs to talk to his friends about what's okay and what's not okay. Feel free to say it yourself, too. It is not okay to comment on people's bodies and be judgmental. Especially in front of someone who finds it offensive. If he won't say anything, speak up! You don't like it, and you can ask people and talk about what you're comfortable with. I don't see anything wrong with expressing discomfort at a situation.

As for the strip clubs and feeling insecure, I would imagine that your boyfriend likes you for you. He's probably watched porn before dating you if he's a consumer of it and possible (I don't know your age or his age) that he was at strip clubs before, too. And I would guess that he still finds you attractive, even after seeing "perfection". Everyone has different preferences, and you're probably his.

In any case, I would talk to him about boundaries and how you feel about these things. I think that any partner should sit and listen and address the concerns of their partner to best compromise on what to do to make everyone feel better and more comfortable.

spike the cat, I've heard men express serious insecurities in comparison to dildos (I think it's a pretty common trope of popular culture, in fact) and even other men in porn. The only difference is that women tend to look at porn and objectify men's bodies a lot less than men do.

Thanks everyone for your comments! I really appreciate it. I didn't even know this entry got posted until now as it must have gone up with a flood of others but when I logged in to comment on another blog I saw that it was up!

When I was commenting on the feminism and sex worker post I discussed some of my feminist-related thoughts on strip clubs and sex work but as I did so I had to admit to myself that jealousy was also a factor in my dislike of them. I'm not sure that I did a good job of articulating it above but you all left insightful, helpful comments nonetheless, so I do appreciate that!

I've definitely talked to him about my feelings several times and he always tries to reassure me that he loves me as a person first and foremost and that he thinks I'm beautiful etc and that's not why he looks at porn, it's more to get him in the mood or if I'm out of town etc. And it definitely bothers me less when he tells me this. We are really lucky in that we are best friends and were for a while before we came romantically involved so it's not hard to talk to him about it, but can still be hard to completely believe it. He'd probably be mortified if he knew I'd written this post but I respect the feministing community and wanted to know the views of other feminists.

And in response to some of you about whether or not he even wants to go, I've asked him and he said he didn't want to. I just can't picture him at one (at least the type they show on tv/movies since I've never been to one and don't know how they really look). But it was still hard for me to shake the fear that he just wasn't going because of upsetting me - I don't want to be that sort of nag or controlling person that he'd have to feel that way. Now, his younger brother is going to the conference too and he definitely has no interest in strip clubs so they will definitely not be going.

I saw someone posted a question elsewhere on the community blog about whether or not men who go to strip clubs can be feminist. I think that's a really interesting question. I'm not sure that I would consider his coworkers and college friends (to clarify none of these are his close friends) who are really judgmental of women's bodies and go to strip clubs to be feminist but my partner is and he is very respectful of all people. I guess I'd wonder about his commitment to equality if he went (in addition to my feelings of jealousy) because I probably lean towards the side of the way society and the sex industry is currently structured, you probably can't be a feminist and a man at a strip club.