Recent posts on the main page have shown what lengths brides will go to in order to make their wedding look perfect. Since I'm planning a wedding for two months (and two days!) from now, I wanted to explore this issue.
Let's first go back to an episode of Oprah where Katherine Heigl was interviewed as she promoted her movie and television show. Katherine Heigl is a beautiful woman. In the words of her costar in Knocked Up , she's definitely "prettier than me." However, during the interview, she mentioned how hard she worked in order to fit into her wedding dress. She's a beautiful, young, movie star who has been on red carpets and award shows across the world, and she had never been so self-conscious about how she looked in a dress as she was about her wedding gown. If Katherine Heigl was worried about how she looked in her wedding dress, where does that leave me?
I could write for pages about how our society and media set up impossible goals for women's appearance in general in today's society. I've grown up in it; I've lived it. I've come to recognize it and criticize it. However, I feel myself being pulled back into self-doubt and scruitiny about my own body as I think about my upcoming wedding.
To make planning a wedding easier, I've joined some wedding planning message boards. And while most of the other brides and brides-to-be are sweet and helpful, I've noticed that, in general, they seem less aware of how society and tradition steer most weddings and marraiges, and completely buy in to much of the unnecessary hoopla found in the wedding industrial complex. Essentially, they are buying into the dream that the best wedding is a picture perfect wedding.
My wedding message boards have entire posts regarding how to get all of the "right" colors and dresses and tuxes and whatever in order to produce the best pictures. Wedding photographers charge thousands and thousands of dollars in order for the happy couple to have beautiful documentation of the day.
A small part of me doesn't see a big problem with this. Brides know what they want their ceremony and reception to look like, and do what they can to acheive their dream. They want things to look nice and for the memories of the event to be beautiful. As the bride, many of the pictures will be of me, and wanting to look pretty in the pictures is natural, right?
But then the other part of me starts screaming that so much is wrong with this desire for the "dream wedding." It ignores the human part of the day. When people want to look back and see beauty and perfection, they lose being able to look back and see the flaws that make us (brides, grooms, parents, guests) unique and loved. Why am I (and so many others, including Katherine Heigl) stressing out about getting thinner for one day? Yes, if I lose 10 pounds or whatever, I'll be able to look back and see a thinner version of myself, but then what? It won't document how I really looked at this time in my life when I'm happy and in love and willing to commit to spending my life with someone. It will just be a reminder of how I submitted my body and my health to the unrealistic beauty standards of the day. This is not what I want to do.
There is so much wrong with the wedding industry: the reliance on tradition for almost every option, charging more for weddings than for other types of parties, pressure for perfection, etc. I'm willing to put up with a lot because I want to make it an event my friends and family will enjoy. However, it's the blatant quest for wedding perfection that I will not get sucked into. So for my wedding, bridesmaids can wear whatevery they want! My mom can pick out the flowers on her own! And I can weigh exactly what my body needs to weigh as I walk down that aisle! To Hell with vanity and societal notions of beauty!
It's just one day. But the struggle not to fall into vanity and trying to achieve what is "beautiful" is ongoing.
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Maybe it's just me and my elopement with my husband, but the things you remember from your wedding day mostly aren't physical anyway. Most of what I remember is things that people did: my supposed best friend being a jerk, tearing up during the ceremony, watching another friend's slow reaction when we told him we'd just gotten married. But I didn't even think about what to wear until right before we left, and then the only nice thing I had was black! Heh.
Anyway, good for you for not giving in. I have a friend who's about to get married and he's acting like everything has to be perfect, even though his fiance doesn't care. It's very weird and seems completely thoughtless, like you say, but I think part of it might be that he's scared of marriage. I wonder if it's the same thing for a lot of these women; I wasn't afraid because I knew I was doing the right thing for me so I was totally laid back about it. Have you tried to talk to anyone on these message boards about this? I know my friend doesn't respond well when I keep telling him that it doesn't have to be perfect.
Hey there, I just started planning my wedding (got engaged two months ago, thinking Labor Day 2009) and I still don't see what all the drama is. My family has been super so far but everyone I know, even laid-back types have all said that they were extremely stressed out by the last few weeks before the big day. I realize that I just started planning but I still don't get it and think that it's all what you make of it. For example, I've started trying on dresses. I tried on a $300 dress from David's Bridal and a $4500 dress at Priscilla of Boston. While the $4500 dress was beautiful, I can't, in good conscience seriously contemplate spending that much money on a dress. Likewise, I can't seriously worry about getting into shape. My family and friends (not to mention my fiancee) will be there to love and support me whether I'm at my current weight or +/-10 pounds so I don't care about it. If I get to a point where I do, that's when I'll reconsider eloping.
Msunderestimated, I'm totally with you (this is Starzki6, again). It might be my own struggles with vanity that I'm dealing with. I've never had the best self-image, and it has been a real fight not to care what society thinks I stack up to "beauty." Sometimes I lose the battle for a day. My friends and family are completely supportive, too, so that's not the issue.
I guess it just sneaks up on you. Everything in planning a wedding seems geared toward beauty and perfection. Therefore, it gets really easy to get caught up in it. Especially when the wedding takes on a life of its own (when you spent hundreds or thousands of dollars on non-refundable deposits) and eloping becomes something that will just be too expensive.
Hopefully you'll keep your level head. I think that I am, but I'm trying to show that there is a struggle going on to keep it, myself.
And my only wedding planning advice that I wish I had taken: Hire a wedding planner. Yes, they're expensive, but if anything, it would have been someone to worry about all of the details for me that would have made this struggle so much easier.
wax_ghost commented at July 26, 2008 6:14 PM: "Anyway, good for you for not giving in."
I agree! :)
wax_ghost commented at July 26, 2008 6:14 PM: "I have a friend who's about to get married and he's acting like everything has to be perfect, even though his fiance doesn't care. It's very weird and seems completely thoughtless, like you say, but I think part of it might be that he's scared of marriage."
Good point about how it's not always the bride who does this! When I read your comment, before I got to the "part of it might be that he's scared of marriage" line, I wondered "What kind of wedding are they planning? I've heard of boys daydreaming about their future baraats..."
Oh, Starzki6, you really should check out the Offbeat Bride movement! I have found so much inspiration and encouragement in it! It started with a really awesome woman, Ariel Meadow Stallings, who wrote a book about her own wedding and those of some of her friends and acquaintances, called Offbeat Bride: Taffeta-Free Alternatives for Independent Brides. Then she started a blog, offbeatbride.com, and relatively recently started an online community, the Offbeat Bride Tribe (offbeatbride.ning.com). The whole philosophy is to do your wedding as you and your partner want, keeping it as low-stress and personal as possible. The community is full of awesome women who are fighting valiantly against the Wedding Industrial Complex. Most, though not all, offbeat brides (and grooms) want to keep the cost low, and the fun level high, and make the event into something that's meaningful, not just a show of expensive dresses, cakes, and a 'perfect couple.'
I highly recommend you (and any other to-be brides) check out this post first:
http://offbeatbride.com/2007/05/your-wedding-is-not-a-contest
Here's my favorite part of the post:
"Engaged women don’t need another voice telling them they’re failing. It doesn’t matter if it’s a voice of tradition telling them they’re wrong for wanting to have their wedding in the round, or a voice of nontradition telling them they’re wrong for wanting to wear a white dress — brides need encouragement and support."
(BTW, I have no association with Ms. Stallings, other than being a fan and a member of the Offbeat online community.)
Hi again, thanks for the tip! I have a really great gang in this with me who hopefully will help me keep my head above water because really I don't think there are a lot of details I care about. And I'm not really allowed (yes, I know I am technically but I'm practically not allowed) to elope - this is the first wedding for both his family and my family. If you haven't already, I really recommend checking out IndieBride. Best wishes, I know it'll be amazing and that you're going to look beautiful!