I guess what I've always been told is:

Listen. Don't assume she's OK. Don't assume she's devastated. Don't assume she feels guilty. Just listen to her if she wants to talk.

Small gestures like a favorite meal or a pint of ice cream can do wonders because they let the woman know that you care and that you love her.

I think this is a great question. As far as I know, I've never seen it asked anywhere else.

I was a teenager, and very terrified. The doctor didn't come in the room until I was already under the twilight anesthesia, but I clearly remember how gentle and kind he was. He took a moment to hold my hand and talk to me, and then there was a volunteer "hand holder" during the procedure. It was not totally painless, but it was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Everyone in the room was so nice -- I think that's what made the difference.

I've had two abortions, and my second was so much emotionally easier than my first, partly because my experience in the clinic was 100 times better, and partly because my sig o (whom I was with during both abortions) had a better handle on what I was going through.

My advice would be, as you said, not to assume it was an easy decision to make because because she is pro-choice, and even it was an easy decision for her to make, keep in mind she's probably experiencing a lot of emotions about it. The first week and a half afterwards was difficult for me, partly due to the crazy hormones ebbing in flowing in my body, so I think that's important to keep in mind.

At the same time, I don't want a big emotional deal made out it. As in this article

http://www.skirt.com/node/1150

The part where they say goodbye to the "potential person" makes me uncomfortable. I wouldn't want to do something like that, and I was be extremely upset if a partner or a friend tried to get me to do something similiar.

The most positive aspect of my (teenage, product of rape) abortion was the nurses and doctors, and how patient and attentive they were. Particularly in the recovery room; the nurse there was very gentle and struck up conversation about LOTR (I had The Return of the King with me for comfort). The fact that she didn't treat me like I was damaged goods, but rather like I was just a normal person in a doctor's office, was so comforting.

The most negative aspect was the lack of support from those around me- I spent the week afterwards lying on my couch in front of the TV, alone, sick, and frightened. No one checked up on me. The person that was supposed to drive me to the follow-up exam got drunk and forgot. Having at least one person who was committed to seeing me through the whole experience would have been immensely helpful.

I chose not to have an abortion, but having been through the experience of being in the position of making the decision made me realise how you just can't judge someone for the choice they make.

I know people who had an abortion after in-vitro finally worked because the baby had too many devastating problems, and someone who had only just met her future husband and fell pregnant. Totally different situations but the one thing they had in common was the agonising decision they had to make.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ldlokmSw1o

aftercare was a huge part of it, for me. having my bf hang out and hold my hand while we were waiting, and then look after me afterwards (blankets and pillows for the couch, a few seasons of a favourite show to watch while i was recovering, and assuming that he was doing all the chores without me even asking) was awesome. he let me talk (or not) in my own time, and didn't pressure me to grieve "like i was supposed to."

but the biggest thing was that he didn't judge me for being not only relieved, but actively happy when the whole thing was said and done. being able to admit to each other that we felt the same way was awesome.

Having the doctors refrain from condescending questions while the anesthesia is kicking in. Doctor: "Do you know who the first person to climb Mount Everest was? Me: "Sir Edmund Hillary" Doctor: "Wow, good for you sweetheart!" Having used a malfunctioning condom does not mean I'm stupid.

Also I think mandatory counseling follow up sessions would be great. I felt really alone and was abandoned by my boyfriend and felt I couldn't share how awful I felt with anyone. When you fall into a depression sometimes you need to be yanked out and post-abortion I was in no shape to recognize the depths of my situation.

"Having the doctors refrain from condescending questions while the anesthesia is kicking in. Doctor: 'Do you know who the first person to climb Mount Everest was?' Me: 'Sir Edmund Hillary' Doctor: 'Wow, good for you sweetheart!'"

What a jerk! He should have replied with something like "Sounds like you're still awake" instead. I've been asked questions like that (though not for an abortion in my case) but never so rudely.

I thought the whole point of these questions, whether you're going under anesthesia or recovering from a concussion, was assuming that you do know the right answer and checking to see if you were awake and aware enough to remember the right answer at the moment (so if you give the wrong answer it means you're temporarily somewhat out of it, not inherently stupid).

negatives
~had to travel 2 hours to certified clinic
~climb through bushes to get to the front door because protesters were on the sidewalk from the parking lot to the front.
~waiting room was cramped and dingy.
~had to speak with doc on *landline* phone 48 hours prior. didn't mind talking but finding a private landline in a college town is kind of difficult. (this may have changed by now but in 2002 that was the rule)

positives
~they asked about my trauma history and took that into consideration during procedure.
~in the room there were colored dragonflies and swirls on the ceiling so when i looked up i could focus on them (i ended up using the imagery a lot in my artwork afterwards)
~the was a nurse to assist the doctor and an advocate there just to attend to me. was nice to have someone hold my hand.
~doctor was pleasant, actually had a really great feminist discussion about sexuality with him. (Pregnancy was with my first (and only) boyfriend, i had dated only women till then)

suggestions
~follow up doctor referrals for out of area clients. B/C i was two hours from clinc I followed up with local gyn. endded up being anti-choice a-hole whom i felt judged by the whole time. (did not ask about trauma history was annoyed when i asked for nurse to stay in the room, did not ask about previous gyn care (this was my only gyn experience aside from abortion)
~if you don't have something on the ceiling above patient bed, do it! this was huge. showed time and thought went into what i would be doing/experiencing in the room

i describe my abortion as the most positive ob/gyn experience i've ever had and what better time/situation to have the best care possible.

as ani says...
here's a toast to all the nurses and doctors who daily provide women with a choice. who stand down a threat the size of oklahoma city just to listen to a young woman's voice.

thank you.

It's been three years since my abortion, and after a lot of emotional processing one of the main feelings I'm left with is gratitude. I feel blessed for having free, safe and easy access to a procedure that, if performed unsafe, kills so many women worldwide today, and so thankful for all the things I've been able to do in the meantime that would be impossible/difficult if I had the baby(studying abroad, buying an apartment, meeting my soul mate). I feel like now I have been given a second chance to do things in the right order for me, and having a child needs to be one of these last things to do for me to be happy. I need to feel secure first.

I knew from the second I found out I was pregnant that i couldn't keep it. I was too unstable mentally and economically, and had just broken up with the father. My family was very supportive throughout and made the experience a lot easier to deal with. My older sister, who is pro-life, was actually the most unconditionally supporting during this experience. She was the one I told first, and who took me to all the appointments. She will always be so spesial to me because of this.

The procedure was quick and easy. The only negative was a bunch of medical students that came to observe it, I hadn't been told about them and saw them gathering in front of me while i was drifting into the anasthesia and was too dazed to object. I felt really humiliated afterwards since this was in a fairly small city, and I know several people studying medicine here. I'll probably never know if there was anyone i knew in that group.

the first months afterwards were quite rough emotionally, especially since my brother had a baby at this time. But i think a lot of it was hormonal as well as problems I had before the pregnancy. Now I feel like the experience has made me stronger, i feel like my body is powerful, and at the same time I feel I've got power over my body. I look forward to choosing to have a baby.

It's been three years since my abortion, and after a lot of emotional processing one of the main feelings I'm left with is gratitude. I feel blessed for having free, safe and easy access to a procedure that, if performed unsafe, kills so many women worldwide today, and so thankful for all the things I've been able to do in the meantime that would be impossible/difficult if I had the baby(studying abroad, buying an apartment, meeting my soul mate). I feel like now I have been given a second chance to do things in the right order for me, and having a child needs to be one of these last things to do for me to be happy. I need to feel secure first.

I knew from the second I found out I was pregnant that i couldn't keep it. I was too unstable mentally and economically, and had just broken up with the father. My family was very supportive throughout and made the experience a lot easier to deal with. My older sister, who is pro-life, was actually the most unconditionally supporting during this experience. She was the one I told first, and who took me to all the appointments. She will always be so spesial to me because of this.

The procedure was quick and easy. The only negative was a bunch of medical students that came to observe it, I hadn't been told about them and saw them gathering in front of me while i was drifting into the anasthesia and was too dazed to object. I felt really humiliated afterwards since this was in a fairly small city, and I know several people studying medicine here. I'll probably never know if there was anyone i knew in that group.

the first months afterwards were quite rough emotionally, especially since my brother had a baby at this time. But i think a lot of it was hormonal as well as problems I had before the pregnancy. Now I feel like the experience has made me stronger, i feel like my body is powerful, and at the same time I feel I've got power over my body. I now look forward to choosing to have a baby.

Kiki commented at July 26, 2008 9:22 AM: "The only negative was a bunch of medical students that came to observe it, I hadn't been told about them and saw them gathering in front of me while i was drifting into the anasthesia and was too dazed to object."

I'm glad there weren't any other negatives, and angry that even this one happened. Patients should be asked for permission for this stuff! That bunch of med students definitely didn't deserve to watch. The same goes for any other observers, whether another doctor sharing research with yours (I once had a specialist appointment like that - they asked me first, I said yes, and both docs were respectful) or a high schooler wondering whether to be a doctor (my high school offered "shadowing" opportunities that matched interested professionals and teens) or whomever

I had my abortion about three and a half years ago. I thought I was pro-life simply because I was raised it and terrified to set foot into a planned parenthood. I went to get a pregnancy test and the nurse brought me back to a room to tell me I was pregnant. When she told me I was the words just spilled out of my mouth "I can't have the baby" She didn't even hesitate or frown on my words and I began the process of figuring out how to pay for it ect. The worst part was that I had to hide it from my mother and father as well as the fathers (my now husband) mother and father. The best part was everything about the planned parenthood! From the nurse holding my hand and talking to me about the college classes I was starting in the fall to the Dr. being so caring and respectful. The very best part was the warmed recliner and cookies in the recovery room! The after care with planned parenthood is also great!
In summary, planned parenthood (at least where I am) is amazing!

Positive: PP clinic was wonderful! I was young and somewhat afraid and having a lot of anxiety, which was all put to ease by caring, feminist staff. Afterwards in the area to recover, I was given a snack to ease my stomach and the opportunity to look through a journal that other women in my situation had written in. Very helpful for me.

Negative:
Having to drive 2.5 hours to a clinic.
Feeling shame because I had NO support from friends and family. The b/f at the time was rather unsupportive and treated me like this whole thing was my fault and an bother to his busy schedule ("why is this taking so long?").

Looking back, I would have given anything to be able to have a supportive person around me and not have so much secrecy about this. I just had too many judgemental friends and family members.

My abortion story is bad. I had it 13 years ago and I sometimes still have nightmares. I really wish now that the sleeping option had been cheaper, it was something like $200 extra at the time. I was a student who had little money, and my insurance didn't cover it, so my then bf did, and the cost of the procedure already upset him.

My then bf didn't want to talk with me about the choice, he felt that it was my decision to make and that any talking on his part would lead me to make a decision that I didn't want. I couldn't talk to my parents because, when I decided to not be on birth control because I knew I had to use condoms anyway, they yelled that I was being stupid, so I felt they wouldn't respect my decision to adopt.

Obviously, I was conflicted, because I knew I couldn't raise a kid, and I didn't want to abort. We now know that people who are conflicted about it are going to have a worse experience. I wish I knew that at the time.

I had a friend who was coincidentally unplanned pregnant at the same time for the same reasons. We were able to help each other not feel so dumb at the mistake.

After, I was afraid of talking about it because I was afraid of giving anti-choice people more ammunition. I am happy to see that there are non-political support forums where women can talk about their experiences without being judged.

Aside, I once saw a sign for a support group for women who miscarried and aborted. I felt conflicted at the thought that miscarriage and abortion being the same thing, because miscarriage isn't really a choice. Anyone other thoughts?

ls56 commented at July 27, 2008 3:51 PM: "I couldn't talk to my parents because, when I decided to not be on birth control because I knew I had to use condoms anyway, they yelled that I was being stupid"

WTF? It was none of their business in the first place!

ls56 commented at July 27, 2008 3:51 PM: "Aside, I once saw a sign for a support group for women who miscarried and aborted. I felt conflicted at the thought that miscarriage and abortion being the same thing, because miscarriage isn't really a choice. Anyone other thoughts?"

Miscarriage isn't a choice, but it is a colloquial term for spontaneous abortion...

I have a friend who works at as a nurse at an abortion clinic, and probably the most striking thing she's told me is that the women who go to one doctor there always leave in great pain, while the women who go to another doctor there rarely have any pain after the procedure. One result of the extreme stigmatization of abortion has been that doctors don't always worry about whether their patients are comfortable. Pain or lack of pain makes a huge difference in terms of whether a medical experience is positive or negative, and doctors should receive training in how to minimize discomfort in their patients.

When I found out I was pregnant my boyfriend was sleeping so I tried to wake him up to tell him and he just rolled over and went back to bed when I did tell him. I then told two of my room mates and told them to please not tell anyone about it, of course that did not happen. They told anyone and everyone, I learned who my real friends were in that situation and obviously they were not good friends.

I made an appointment at Planned Parenthood and scheduled it for Friday, December 17th; I will never forget that day. I looked more and more information up about the baby and that it had a heart beat and what it would look like and so forth and I shared this information with my boyfriend. I asked him what he thought about me keeping the baby and he said “I would resent you and I wouldn’t see us together in the future”. So I took that as he was giving me an ultimatum, although he might not have been doing that but that is what it seemed like to me. I knew that I was going to have the abortion anyway all I wanted at that point and time was for him to express some kind of emotion. We were together for 3 years before this happened, this wasn’t some random guy I didn’t care about, this was someone I wanted to marry. I just wanted him to hold me and tell me that he loves me and that he would love me regardless but that wasn’t the case. He completely shut down and didn’t want to talk about it what’s so ever.

He drove me to the clinic and dropped me off; he had to do something else that day just so we could make it look like nothing was going on in front of our friends and family. So I sat in the crowded clinic waiting for them to call me up, and then they did. I chose the at home option, where you take a series of pills to abort the fetus and then the next day to release it from your body.

That night he got drunk with his friends and was completely unconscious to anything I even wanted to say. So I went home and told my mom that what I was doing and my 12 year old sister because I needed them to help me the next day. The doctors told me it would be pretty painful and that I couldn’t do it by myself, that I needed someone to take care of me. So from 8 AM until 7PM I had contractions. It felt like my insides were being torn out. I would fall asleep and be awaked by this horrible pain. My mom would come in and cry with me and my sister would lie next to me and hold my hand. She was so grown up for what was going on and very understanding.

My boyfriend called me at around 4PM and I told him to go FUCK himself and that I didn’t want to speak with him. Finally when the contractions stopped and I regained myself, I called him and he came over to see me. Being the “caring” girlfriend that I was I asked him about his day and then downplayed all the physical and emotional pain I just went through. We didn’t talk about it after that until I started thinking more and more about it.

He decided to get a tattoo of a black rose on his arm and told me that it represented the abortion. I was infuriated. It’s much easier to scar your skin than to scar your soul and sadly my scar will never fade. I will always remember how alone I was, how he didn’t care how selfish he was and how he gave me a choice and I chose him.

It’s been four years now, and this august I would have had a 3 year old, so every time august rolls around or December I get very emotional about what happened. He has apologized and grown a lot since all that has happened and I have finally decided to forgive him. It turns out he was terrified that he was going to turn out like his father so he thought by acting “manly” and “strong” not “emotional” like me it would help the situation. He was terrified that in the long run I would leave him because he would be a terrible father. I wish I had known that when all this was happening.

It would have been better had he told everyone to go screw themselves and their opinions and just stayed with me. If he had made an effort to take care of me. If he would have helped me pay for it. If he had not blamed me like everyone else did. But the most important thing that would have made this experience 100% better is if had been open to a conversation. If he had just talked to me about how he really felt and not put on his bullshit “man” front, I wouldn’t have spent the past 4 years of my life feeling like shit.