My mom is a feminist, but she's also got some old skool racism and sexism going on and I call her on it when it comes up -- she gets defensive and it's really stupid.

My semi-estranged father is a sexist pig who thought that my (now deceased) gay best friend would "grow out of it" and we'd get married and have kids some day. (I was in love with this late friend, but it only took me a few months to realize that he wasn't going to grow out of it, was gay, and we would not be getting married and having kids. Soon after I decided that I didn't even want to get married and have kids.) Most of the time, my father seems like he's trying to be nice and do the right thing, but he always feels the need to tell me how pretty I am, but less than half as often will mention my intelligence. (My step-dad, on the other hand, compliments my intelligence and treats me like an equal, rather than a "young woman", because I've demonstrated time and again that I'm smarter than him and more on the ball than he was at 23.)

My uncle... well, my uncle likes to engage me in conservative rabble so as to shut me up. He admits to doing this, and it pisses me off.

But suffice to say, in my family sexism isn't okay. When it's just the family (like at our D&D games on New Years and 4th of July) we might make heterosexist jokes about how my sister's wife is the best man she's ever been with, but in context they are funny and no one gets offended. We treat each other like human beings, and if someone does something that one of us doesn't like, we kill them -- in the game, not for real, yo.

My parents tend to not be sexist, but on a similar note, they do seem to have batches of intense homophobia every once in awhile. Which makes it difficult when I bring my girlfriend over for dinner, but I know that it mostly comes out of ignorance. Basically, it's been extremely personal, and occassionally extremely hurtful, but the best way to go has been the hard route - confronting it. So if confronting your mother's sexism is difficult, there are other slightly less confrontational possibilities (aka, not face to face) - email, where you can edit your perfect words, and not have to think up immediate replys. Eventually you'll have to really have a dsicussion, but I've found that this can be helpful to put out your initial emotions and thoughts. good luck - it's hard, but worth it (it's the people that you're closest to that you can make the biggest difference with).

overall i had pretty awesome feminist parents, for whom i am grateful every day. i say with the utmost confidence that had my sister and i been boys, that our father would have treated us exactly the same and encouraged us in the same ways.

now when i go back home to visit, my dad and i are pretty much an echo chamber of liberal thought in general, but we do have some disagreements over feminist issues, namely sex work. he tends to be a little more "old school" i guess and thinks that basically all sex work is demeaning to women and inherently exploitive. i disagree. the particularly irksome part of this is that i think he's kind of a total hypocrite since i know that he consumes pornography. but like i'm going to bring that up!

I don't think part of being feminist is always telling people when they're being disgustingly sexist. To function, you (or at least most people) have to pick their battles, and while you can tell that uncle that you don't really see that he's a pig, there's nothing wrong with preserving the peace rather than trying to convert someone. I have a feminist-but-sexist mother, and I try to keep my mouth shut about it most of the time (our relationship is tenuous enough without politics) if only for my own sanity.

I've always been the outsider in my family in the sense that my thoughts and views are far more liberal than that of the others. (For one thing, all of my immediate family is part of the army in some shape and form. I am an actor.)
My mother is a feminist who doesn't self identify as one. The trouble is, she identifies "feminist" as portrayed by common society. Yet, she always listens to my discussions with rapt attention, and agrees with most of what I have to say. the finishes with "I understand what you're saying, but I still think it's nice for men to hold the doors open for me!" (when this is not the topic at hand ;))
I don't really discuss feminism with my father and older sister, simply because my father was raised a certain way and does not allow for new concepts which greatly shake up his views. He respects women (an me) to no end, but isn't compatible with queer issues, or concepts of gender as a societal construct.
My sister is simply impossible. Whenever I try to defend something she is carelessly insulting, she just goes of to tell my mother that I'm "being weird again".

Although, my mother and father came to my school's production of The Vagina Monologues, so I know that I have their support, no matter how different my beliefs.

My parents aren't very political about anything.

I don't think me getting married is that important to them- I told them a long time ago that I'm not very interested in that. They certainly wouldn't nag me to do it. I know they feel guilty because their craptastic marriage and divorce drama turned me off relationships altogether during most of my teens and definitely plays a part in my apathy about marriage. But I think they're just glad that my boyfriend is such a great guy.

My parents are a mixed bag. My mother is a self-proclaimed asexual, which can be refreshing but it makes it hard for us to see eye-to-eye on a lot of things to do with sexuality. She finds it hard to imagine women having sexuality similar to mens', such as masturbation. By the way, she is FAR from being a prude, she will make dirty jokes and told me the basics as a child earlier than most would've. But I remember growing up with very different views than I had now. Till I was about 13, I reckoned I'd 'wait for marriage', and I was terrified that I might be gay at around that age. I must say that NONE of this is due to religion, my parents are atheists and so am I. But as a young child, I always got the impression that masturbation, being gay and taking delight in sex before marriage were three things that were 'not proper'.*

However - despite all that I would say my mother is a feminist, though more about second-wave feminism than very 21st century. She doesn't take it lying down and often shouted down my misogynistic grandfather :). He was my Dad's dad, which is perhaps why my own father is pretty sexist. He would LOVE a 1950s lifestyle.

Unfortunately, I fear my older brother is turning into one of those 'feminists have taken over the world!' people. However, somehow I think this is just a pose.

* I am very different now, of course. I'm happily bicurious, never plan to be married, and certainly take delight in my own sexuality.

Honestly, I'd just sort of tell her. Depending on your mom (obviously, I don't know her and you do), you could make a joke out of it or tell her straight up. Maybe laugh and say that you can cook for yourself or something, so that your views come across, but it's not a slap in the face to her. I can totally respect not wanting to hurt your mother, but it's clear that you're uncomfortable with what she says. And I think that if she wants to have a good relationship with you, she should be able to respect your thoughts and views. Of course, that's just me being preachy and this is totally up to you to decide. I don't think this makes you a "bad feminist". You can't call everyone out every time. Sometimes, it's not safe or it would be inappropriate or you just can't think of a way to say it so that they'll listen.

My mom was very different when I was a kid. She was very pro-life, very Republican and not terribly feminist. Now, she's going to vote Democrat for the first time in a presidential election, is pro-choice, and seems to have a pretty strong feminist streak in her.

My dad has always been "progressive". He fought for the dignity and rights of a transwoman in his department (and nearly got fired over it), has always talked about different areas of the world and that we are lucky to have what we do, but it can always be improved, etc. I don't know if he'd call himself a feminist, but he certainly has respect for people who are different than himself.

My parents are a little odd (okay, a lot odd). I was always told all through girlhood that I could do anything I wanted, whether it was a traditionally male job/activity or not. I was a major tomboy (still am) and did all the outdoorsy, workshop, and garage-oriented things mostly with my dad, but my mom is a bit of a tomboy herself. It's only now that my politics have grown much more liberal than theirs (since high school, more or less) that we butt heads. Politics and world events have always been a major topic of discussion for us. Usually if there's sexism involved, it's tied up with some other issue with an obvious conservative-liberal divide.

That being said, I find it helpful in situations where there is a lot of activity going on, and other distractions, it's best to put it aside for a while. It gives me time to think about the best approach for the subject, and usually prevents awkward breaks in conversation that can make the situation more tense than it needs to be. I'll then bring it up later, and try to use as many personal examples as I can, which is really helpful when dealing with close family members or friends who know all the details of the example. (For some reason, I'm thinking specifically of times when my mom and I have been getting things ready for a family gathering, and she's brought up something contentious. I've had pretty good success with waiting until after most people have gone and we're in the kitchen, doing the dishes and whatever cleanup. That way we have something else to do to keep from having awkward silences, while having enough opportunity to say what needs to be said.) Not sure if that helps, but there you are.

My favorite funny story is from last winter, when my dad told me a horribly sexist joke (arguably the textbook sexist joke). My jaw dropped, and I gave him the proper verbal lashing. A couple of days later, we were visiting my very liberal, uber-feminist aunt (my dad's sister, 16 years his senior), and I told her what my dad had said. She gave him a proper scolding, which I really think he took more seriously than mine. Nobody can scold you like your big sister! :)

I am being raised (still a teen) in an all woman household by a strong, single mother who is DEFINITELY a feminist. She raised us (my twimn sister and I) pagan and has never treied to give us any abstinence only bullshit. She has been prety open with is about sex and said we should wait until we're ready and use protection. I feel really grateful to have her as my mother. I got my feminism from her. She has been a huge positive influence on my life.

However, I also live with my aunt... I while ago I was checking out a bunch of books about feminism from the library. When we got in the car she was really quiet, and after a while she said "Why are you checking out all of those books about feminism?" I, not wanting to argue, just said "Because I'm interesed in reading about it." She said "Hm. Well, I don't want you to start hating all men or thinking that all men are horrible people." In short, she was worried that feminism would turn me into a hairy legged man hater - or worse, turn me into a lesbian! *gasp*

Now, don't even let me get started on my grandma. Her: "What are you watching?" Me "Oh, just a video about feminism." Her: Starts ranting about how silly my video is, how silly I am, how stupid feminism is, how weird feminists are.
Also, I take kickboxing and T'ai Chi classes and help publish a zine with a local femist group for young women, GEEZ Louise! When she found out, she had another little rant. My grandma pretty much thinks I'm a lost cause (bad enough that I'm unschooled) but I don't really care what she thinks.
I'm grateful to be blessed which such a strong, loving, awesome mom.

There is a saying that I have realized has a lot of pertinence when dealing with sexism and parents, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks." Oh shit, is that ageism... lets tackle that later. I have, on many occasions, referenced to my mother that I am gay. I have told her that I am going on dates with other women, and that I don't care for men, sexually. The topic is always cut short as my mother suddenly has to take the dog out for a walk, brush her teeth or suddenly realizes she is late for her tennis match, but anywho. I was talking to her about how my aunt and uncle, whom we do everything with, were moving away. I said, "now we don't have a family to see on holidays, we are orphans." It was a joke. She responds, quite seriously, "you will have to marry a nice man with a nice family to do things with on holidays, and make sure that they have money so we will have a nice place to visit." Well... I told her that I was never going to get married, regardless, and that I don't believe in the institution. She then went into this whole thing about how I would be foolish not to get under his insurance and retirement benefits... mind you, this man doesn't exist. Her main concern was who was going to take care of me... I told her "myself," and that is what makes me happy... soon afterwards, I think that jesus christ himself manifested in the living room because she had to go. But, yeah... If I shack up with a man, it is his job to take care of me, because I am obviously incompetent to do so myself. I have realized that although I have become very forward with her about my views, they are never taken seriously, or it is just a phase... That is what suck about sexism... it has a built in forcefield so that whenever it is refuted, it just nods what is refuting it off as childish, not true, or a phase... me being the silly girl who will eventually come to her senses ( she calls me her little feminist). So, does sspeaking up have benefits or no in this case... I think it is kinda like chicken soup... It might not help, but it couldn't hurt

My parents are hardcore evangelical christians, and most of our conflicts come from that. I renounced christianity once I went to college and discovered feminism, which finally put a name to all the nagging feelings of unfairness I had had about my religious upbringing before. I try not to face off with them too much about it because it upsets my mom, but lately she just won't let me be. Mostly it has to do with my at-least-two-years-off marriage.

First, it was me deciding I didn't want to change my name. She immediately connected this to my step-dad's first wife, who hyphenated her last name and then cheated on and left my step-dad. Because, you know, wives who don't take their husband's name are less committed, but the husbands don't need to do such a thing to show their commitment. Yup.

A few days ago it was that I wanted my brother to be a "bridesman" instead of a groomsmen.

Today she gave me a CD entitled "Marriage 101" by the semi-pastor of their church and a survey they had taken in class. The survey (of 50 or so white, upper middle class, and christian couples all) was laid out in four parts:
"I feel loved when my husband..."
"I feel unloved when my husband..."
"I feel respected by my wife when she..."
"I feel disrespected by my wife when she..."

I'm sure the difference in the wording isn't lost on you.

The responses and the CD were pretty infuriating, to say the least. The most common response on the "disrespect" part was some variant of "not agreeing with me" or "disagreeing with me in public". Also, did you know the bible says "a quarrelsome wife is like an endless dripping"? I sure didn't.

So, anyway, yeah, I'm about as lost as you. It's hard to tell people you otherwise love and respect that you completely reject their beliefs. I'm going to keep trying, in moderation. I think my parents are probably too entrenched in their ways to change much now.

Sigh, sorry for the epic comment. I'd write these things in a post if it would stop giving me an error message!

My mom is pretty open. I don't really know my dad. Most people in my family are pretty open, even my grandma. She still has old racist values, such as 'Whites can never be trusted' and stuff like that.

ahhh, family and feminism. I was just talking to someone about it.

my family, like everyones family, is strange.

divorced.

re-married.

engaged.

and I find that among the mix, there's a range of patriarchy in everyones attitudes. But I'm of the opinion that everybody IS sexist and patriarchal, that we do not merely renounce oppression, and by saying so render ourselves anti-oppressive in every word, thought, and deed. Quite the opposite; you spend 20 or so years in a pro-oppressive, patriarchal, sexist, ableist, homophobic, heterosexist, racist, and classist education system. Deciding that oppression is wrong is one thing, acting it out every day is another story completely.

So when it comes to the family and you, there are many selves that you are for your family to add up in the first place. Theres the you for your mom, the you for your dad, the you for your sister or brother, for the uncles, for the aunts, for the step-relations, on and on and on.

Likewise, they have a them for each one of you.

Along these lines, the unfortunate domination of the present by the past (as far as family structures go) means that the you-for-them and the them-for-you is hierarchical by definition.

Sometimes the words of your elders are wise, and sometimes we just have to allow ourselves to learn on our own.

Sometimes their advice is downright silly; silly enough to forget the hierarchy of past-present relations, and you burst out laughing like I did when my grandmother told me girls go to university to get their M.R.S. I plum hadnt heard anything so silly that I really didnt mean to laugh, and in retrospect, I wish I hadnt. Grandmas world is hers, it has taken years to build and consolidate. I do not own the tools, and neither would they correspond to her world, to take down the foundations. So grandma gets the me-for-her that I will be, and I will keep the me-for-me for later.

Parents are another story, though, dont you think? when they arent too old just yet. their worldview hasnt completely solidified. and they expect you to be changing.

When I was in grade 9, I was friends with an all-guy crew. Solo female. And my parents banned me hanging out with my male (and only) friends at home until they got home, which was always much later in the evening. I protested, asking, "well, what does that rule mean if im a lesbian?"

suffice to say, it kind of shook up their idea of me. there are certain days where you just have to change other peoples ideas of you. otherwise, you dont let your parents know the uniqueness of and the full personality you are becoming, and you are concealing just another part of your being.

Just weigh it out, weigh out future sexist expectations, comments, and behaviours over the difficult, difficult task of coming out as a feminist.

Marc, I too struggle with the "How-can-these-people-be-so-damn-sexist?" dilemma with my parents. Though they didn't explicitly call their lifestyle feminist, I find little to object to from a feminist standpoint in the way things actually worked in my family. For instance, my mom was the breadwinner, my dad did more than his share of the housework and childrearing, and my sister and I were taught (at least rhetorically) to be strong and independent and to not rely on men.

However, when it came to issues about sex and my sex life in particular, all bets were off. The whole issue was the patriarchal notions about women's sexuality that even "progressive" people of my parents' generation and background couldn't avoid internalizing.

I considered myself a feminist (still do, to be exact) and so did they, but our definitions of feminism differed. Their brand of "feminism" was limited to anti-pornography/exploitation sentiment taken to beyond-Dworkin extremes. They defined exploitation very broadly, believing that young women are innocent and need to be protected because they couldn't possibly want to be sexual for their own reasons (other than long-standing committed love or reproduction). Thus every male I met was a pervert who was going to to corrupt me, and I couldn't really be a feminist because I "degraded myself." Needless to say, it didn't bode well for my relationship with them.

I have a weird family, like everyone. I had a mix of single moms and right wing evangelism that said, well we can't depend on men so women should do everything themselves but also always submit to male preachers and hopefully one day marry a good christian breadwinner. Catch 22?