Hi, FeministingCommunity.
I’m posting today because I feel like society is kind of fucked. I feel like a lot of men feel very entitled when it comes to trying to get laid. I’m not talking about all men (not that I really have to tell you that, ya’ll know what I mean), but it seems like a lot of guys just do not give a shit if they make you uncomfortable or scare you when it comes to trying to get you into bed. It’s like they think they have a God given right to proposition you.
I’m quite a night owl and usually go to the grocery store at night. I’m not afraid to because I don’t live in a terrible area and I’m always careful (I lock the doors as soon as I’m inside the vehicle, I try to be aware of my surroundings, I park near the store doors in a well lit area).
Guys try to chat me up sometimes, but they’re usually harmless and back off when it’s obvious I’m not buying what they’re selling. Last night, however, was a different story.
I felt like every creep in Flint had crawled out from under his rock to go to the store. I wasn’t too bothered by the guy who followed me from the produce section to the chocolate isle and walked by five times, never picking anything up and shooting glances at me. He was about my age and I think he was probably just trying to work up the courage to talk to me. I didn’t mind the few guys who did the whole, "How you doin’ tonight?" with a cheesy wink and smile routine. I didn’t mind the guys who wax the floors and haven’t realized the mullet went out decades ago checking me out and talking about me as I walked by.
I wasn’t even bothered when a man twice my size and more than twice my age who I had noticed giving me a weird look in the chocolate isle a few minutes previously stopped in front of me and said, "Those look nice." as I was on my way to get hair ties. I get weird comments like that sometimes, all women do, so it wasn’t a big deal to me. I muttered something to him and went on my way. I didn’t know if by ‘those’ he meant my ratty sweatpants, my glasses, or my tits, but I really didn’t care either. I just went about my business.
I really only started to feel uncomfortable when the man began following me all over the store and giving me pointed looks. He kept popping up everywhere I went and just stared . The make-up isle, the perfume isle, the frozen food section, the baby isle. I called my mother and asked her to talk to me while I finished my shopping hoping people would leave me alone if I was on the phone. I went to the self-check out, and surprise surprise, Creepy McGee decided to check out at the same time right next to me. I tried not to look at him. It took me forever to check out and by the time I was done, he was gone. I didn’t mind that a bit.
I loaded up my car and started to drive off. However, I thought as I was about to leave the parking lot that I might have left my hair ties in the cart. I parked and began rifling through my bags looking for them. After a few minutes a car pulled up next to me facing the opposite way and it was that man, the creepy fucker who followed me all over the store. He looked at me questioningly. I shook my head no firmly and drove off quickly. I realized later that he must have actually waited outside the store for me. Otherwise, how would me know which car was mine?
I saw in the rear-view mirror that he was turning around and somehow I just knew he was going to try to follow me. I sped up hoping to lose him around a corner before he got too close. No luck, I got stopped at a red light and he caught up, pulled into the lane next to me. He honked once and I ignored him. I called my mom again and explained the situation. He honked two more times and I tore off like the motherfreakin’ Batman when the light turned green.
He followed me for a couple more streets, but at some point, he turned off somewhere and I didn’t see him anymore. My mom waited outside our apartment complex anyway to threaten the shit out of him just in case he did follow me home (my mom can be very scary if she needs to me). When I was inside, safe and sound, I asked my mom why the Hell someone would do something like that.
"He was probably just trying to get lucky. When I was your age I had a cop who pulled me over look up my phone number from my license plate to ask me out."
What gives someone the idea that this kind of behavior is okay? IT’S NOT OKAY. It’s not cute, it’s not funny, it’s not a compliment, it’s not acceptable. IT’S SCARY. It didn’t happen because I’m good-looking (ratty sweats, no make-up, hadn’t even bothered to shower that day), it happened because that guy was an asshole and thought it was just a-okay to stalk me all over the store. One of my friends jokingly said, "Wah, wah, people think I’m pretty, wah!", but it has nothing to do with being pretty and everything to do with a twisted sense of entitlement.
And part of me just feels wimpy for not doing something, yelling at him, telling him what he was doing was fucked up and assholeish, but what could I have done? If this happened to some of my male friends I know they would have stopped the car and cussed the guy out, but I don’t think that’d be a good idea for me to do…
Because society has taught me men are physically stronger than me. Because society has taught me to always be aware that rape is a very real threat (and it is). Because I’m a woman.
16 Comments
I would have attempted to get his license plate number and call the police. I’ve been followed before and what I found to be successful was to contact the police and drive to the police station. I filed a report against the person that followed me.
It would probably be handy to carry pepper spray with you; so that if he were to attempt to get in your personal space you could defend yourself. If I am alone at night walking, I carry my car key as if it were a dagger, just in case.
I wish I could have gotten his license plate or something, but with him behind me and with it being dark, there was really no way to do that.
Ha, I do the car key thing too. I hope I never have to find out if it will do any damage.
you behaved exactly the way I would have done. I think in such a moment it’s better to phone with somebody you know and explain the situation. or to call the police.
as the asshole disappeared at one point I think it’s possible that he “only” wanted to scare you. there are some perverts who need that kind of things. to scare little children or women to get satisfied.
I’m very happy that nothing worst has happened! There are so many really insane people that you never know what could happen next. And it really makes me angry that being a woman I will always have to face the possibility that some day something terrible will happen to me. It’s really sick!
On this fucking planet is not a single woman who wasn’t offended in one way or another. I’m very sure on that and it really makes me sad.
Greetings from Germany,
Yours Viktoria
I suppose you could have said “Stop following me. Go away!” But you know that shitbags like him will say “What? I am not!” and “I didn’t even say anything! I’m not even doing anything!” I don’t know what the definition is of stalking for legal purposes but it would probably have been complicated to prosecute this situation.
That does not sound like fun! It sounds like you did a pretty good job of keeping your calm, (certainly better than I would have). If it happens again, drive to the police station and go in, that should make him disappear quickly!
Yah, if you couldn’t get the plate, it was probably the best idea at that point to call your mom, not get in a confrontation with this guy.
That must have been so scary!
Just a suggestion (not a criticism) if something like that happens again. If you’re in a public place, like the grocery store, and someone else is around, say something to the person following you (like, “I know you’re following me–Leave me alone!), then go find a manager. Or, just find a manager and explain that there’s a creepy guy following you. The point is, make other people aware of what’s going on, if that’s possible. Then you are not alone and don’t have to confront someone all by yourself. It also sends a message to the creep that you are not going to take his shit. I might have asked for store security or another employee to walk me to my car as well. You can never be too careful, unfortunately.
That is so scary! And it is hard to do something about it when you don’t have any means of defending yourself in case he was a little crazy or intended to hurt you (I know, I am paranoid).
When I am late at night I also carry my keys. Or a roll of nickels in case shit needs to go down
That does sound really scary. What frustrates me most is that, much as you absolutely have the right to tell him off or speak to the manager, the times I’ve done things like that have usually ended with me feeling like I’m the paranoid one. Completely unfair.
I remember a similar situation, though, when I was walking alone and a man in his car slowed down next to me and followed me for blocks through a quiet residential neighbourhood, asking me repeatedly to get in his car and “go for ice cream.” I called a friend who lived nearby and just talked to him as I walked. If you don’t want to call the police, or don’t want to call them yet, it at least sends the message that you’re doing something about his behaviour and that someone else will know instantly if he does something to you.
So yeah. Don’t feel like you did nothing or that you took his behaviour lying down. You protected yourself, even if you didn’t alert the store manager or the police, or cuss him out yourself.
I was wanting to do a rant just like this yesterday. I went to visit my boyfriend yesterday evening and took the train like a good green citizen. I was also wearing a skirt from a meeting that morning. Taking the late train home that night was awful! I kept getting awkward looks and comments from disgusting men much older than me. Like you, the only thing I could do was ignore them and be prepared for the worst. (I had my umbrella ready) It was awful to have to be so on edge just because I was a young woman in a skirt. I wish there was something we could do to tell the world we’re not public property!
Ugh, it’s so stressful & scary to deal with that.
One way to deal with someone who is following you in your car is to pull into a local police station if you know where one is. Any creep would be loathe to follow you there.
I think if you’re in a public place (like this supermarket), getting some of the employees there on your side can help. I used to work at a Barnes & Noble, and I’ve helped out customers who were getting unwanted attention from creepy guys in the store. Often, if they know that more people are on to what they’re doing, they’ll leave.
The interesting point is why do we, as women, put up with this behaviour for so long, and not enlist the help of other people when in a public place? I’ve not done it myself. When I was 17, I had a guy expose himself to me on a beach, and I did not report it due to embarrassment and a sense of shame – wrong I know because I sure as hell hadn’t done anything, but the feelings were there and very real, along with absolute fear. The writer also describes how she went from aisle to aisle, through the check-out and out to her car, with the guy following her, and the only help she enlisted was from her mother who wasn’t at the store, so pretty much incapable of helping. Are we afraid of making a scene and drawing attention to ourselves, seeing ourselves as somehow contributing to the situation, embarrassed, feeling a sense of shame in attracting such attention? I sure don’t know and would be interested in hearing from others what makes us so reluctant to get help AT THE TIME FROM PEOPLE RIGHT THERE. What is really unsettling is that this reluctance actually gives these creeps the power to behave in the way they do, scare us and keep doing so for a considerable length of time.
People generally will help, particularly employees. Recently in the city where I live, a woman paying for petrol(gas) in a self-serve petrol station was told by the employee at the cash register not to go back to her car but to pretend to be looking around for something to buy. He had noticed a man get into the back of her car. He called the police and the man was arrested for “trespass”. Apparently this was all they could get him on as he actually hadn’t done her any harm. Lessons learned: always lock your car even when away from it for a short time. Check the back seat when getting in.
Then I ask myself why women need to learn all these lessons just to keep safe while going about our daily business? Park in a well-lit place, have your car-keys ready, be near other people, take the dog, carry pepper spray, etc, etc, etc… Other men are also aware of the potential for such behaviour in some men, obviously don’t condone it and are concerned about women’s safety. My parents and brothers used to worry if I went out alone at night, then it was my husband and now it is my sons as well.
Are the guys who engage in such behaviour a random sample of loonies who get their rocks off scaring women, or do attitudes towards women in our society engender IN A SMALL MINORITY OF MEN, the belief that a woman is fair game, especially if out alone at night?
If it happens to you get help from someone as soon as possible. As a.k.a.wandergrrl says, once they know more people are on to what they’re doing, they’ll leave. And really, what’s feeling a little embarrassed compared to the very real potential of being raped?
Men are disgusting. That’s why.
Oh, that sounds horrible! I would have been so scared, and probably done exactly what you did.
In response to AliCat, I know one of the reasons I am often reluctant to talk to someone who is present at the time of being harassed or followed, such as a store employee, is because I am afraid they won’t take me seriously and it will make the situation worse. For example, I was recently buying gas pretty late at night and went into the store to pay and buy a bag of beef jerky, and this creepy guy was staring at me the entire time and following me around the store. I thought about telling the guy at the register, but when he, too, was looking me up and down and visibly being a creeper as well I felt outnumbered; how could I know if he would be an ally? If I had told him and he looked at me like I was nuts and said something flippant I would have felt like I was in more danger from creeper #1 because it was 2 to 1.
Does that make sense? I’m afraid that I’ll end up isolated and looking like the crazy one, and that when it’s obvious the person in authority doesn’t give a shit, the harassment will escalate.
@open_sketch
hey, not all of us; i for one don’t fraternize with the guy described above and don’t think such offensive behavior is ok.
maybe more men should listen to the likes of ani difranco and learn something if they’re not smart enough to figure it out by themselves:
this street is not a market
and i am not a commodity
[ani di franco, the story]
trouble is, guys like that won’t and aren’t.
I’ve encountered enough harassment from men to last me a lifetime. This, however, is my favorite experience with it.
I was out at a dance club with my friends. Now, I go simply to dance; the bars we go to don’t have the type of guy I’m interested in, so I never go with the intent of flirting with someone, I go strictly for the dancing. I was wearing a halter top at the time, because it was summer and I knew the place was going to be BOILING, and I had this one guy come up to me, and literally, I could not fucking believe this when it happened.
Guy: I just wanted to tell you that you have the best tits in the entire club.
Me: ….and you apparently felt that it was necessary for me to know exactly how much you like my tits? Why should I give a shit what you think about my tits?
Guy: ………
Me: You’re seriously never going to have a shot of seeing them up close and personal. SO FUCK OFF.
The sad part is that my BFF’s boyfriend, who’s a pretty big dude, had to tell the guy to back off when he got pissy with me for responding this way. Normally, I ignore guys like this, even though doing so makes me seethe, and it really pisses me off that in order to stick up for myself, I have to have a male friend with me so I don’t end up becoming the latest statistic.
“It’s like they think they have a God given right to proposition you.”
As of Dec 2007, there are 118 million women and 112 million men (age 18 to 100) in the United States. 100% of these women are socialized by our patriachy culture to think and act like “corn on the cob” and wait to be picked by a male. This mean these women don’t do the chasing, approaching, risking rejecting, and having to try to figure out how to approach women in general, a particular type of woman, or any individual woman. Men are socialized to do all this, and expected to do all this, by the culture and women.
If men and women were both socialized to do the chasing, approaching, and so forth 50/50, then SLK would not have written this topic, for she’d understand like a man, all of the complex challenges, and mistakes, and scaryness, and misunderstanding that happen when trying to express an interest in someone, including a person’s fears of being rejecting. SLK wouldn’t extrapolate from her particular experiences with one male or all males that such is representative of how each and all other 118 million women experience men hitting on them. SLK would appreciate, be sophisticated enough to realize, that no male is telephatic, few men can understand how the woman feels because he doesn’t walk in her particular shoes, and that he is acting our his social/cultural programming, just as woman act-out their “wait to be picked like corn-on-the-cob” patriachy programming.
I suspect most women, even in 2008, fear being rejected (no matter how beautify they believe they are), or think a man will view them as being “easy” and thus won’t try to pick up a man, except in the passive ways women do to get males attention. So, yes, men do have a Male-God given right to proposition women because our patriarchy culture gives it to them and because Female-Gods also expect them to act out this divine gender program, lol:)
If any particular woman finds it scary or annoying that a particular man hits on you, and in a way and at a time you don’t like, then imagine how you’d be feeling if zero-men hit on you — because you’re ugly, undesireable to all men, even if you decided to be feminist and start hitting on men in general, versus acting like corn-on-the-cob waiting to be pick, starting acting on your Female-God (feminist) right to proposition any and all males:)
In short, ladies, 112 million men are not telephatic, we cannot read your minds as a group or as particular individual women. And, no, there is no simple-minded-book or answer on how we must or should approach any particular woman out of 118 million — for what turns one particular woman off can also turn another particular woman on.