This is something I ponder quite often, as I am currently a student in the “How To Raise a Five Year Old Boy” school. My son is beautiful, smart, and extremely capable. Obviously, this terrifies me. I have spent a lot of time asking myself this very, very important question: How do I teach my son to not abuse his privilege?
To be sure, I recognize the privilege my son received by accident of birth. He was born to two white, middle-class parents. I have a college education, as does my current partner and my son’s father. He is an only child, and has four grandparents in his life that absolutely dote on him. There is a never-ending supply of love, learning, and involvement. My son has opportunities that many children are not blessed with. Obviously, I don’t think I’m the perfect parent, nor is his environment guaranteed to always work in his favor. I make mistakes, I do stupid things, and I don’t spend nearly enough time thinking about how my parenting reflects my feminist beliefs.
However, I do spend a lot of time analyzing the role that early childhood shapes who we become, and especially how parental beliefs can conflict with what society teaches our children. Below are some of my musings – I would love to have a conversation about how we should be raising young boys to actively engage in our world in a feminist manner.
~ We recently purchased a house, and to make the transition easier for him, we allowed my son to pick whatever color he wanted to paint his room. He originally picked pink. (My son adores pink, and spent most of his toddlerhood wearing pink and purple pajamas.) I agonized over the choice. There was a part of me that was overjoyed…my son obviously is confident in what he likes, and doesn’t feel the need to conform to what the world tells him about being a BOY. However, I flashed forward to the time when he would invite his male friends over, and they would tease him endlessly about having a “girly” room. The thought of my child being the subject of ridicule is horrifying, as I’m sure any parent can attest to. (Plus, who wants to repaint when he changes his mind in 6 months?!) Ultimately, he chose orange walls and pink trim. I still think about this incident, though, and ponder what it means to try to balance feminist parenting with living in the “real world” where kids can and do get hurt for being different.
~ My son is very sensitive. He cries easily, gets his feelings hurt often, and is generally more attuned to what is going on with people’s emotions around him. He has always been kind of my little empath, reacting to the world around him and showing every bit of what he’s feeling to anyone who may be paying attention. This causes MANY of the people around him, especially older men, to be very troubled by his shows of emotion. He has been told more times than I can count to “toughen up”, “act like a boy”, and “don’t act like such a baby, girl, (insert insulting feminine word here).” I get very frustrated trying to teach him that it is OK to be that way, no matter what the world is telling him he *should* act like. I am actually very surprised that more of the behavior hasn’t been conditioned out of him yet. I hope that reflects my never-ending support in him and how he choses to display himself. I dread the day when all the conditioning he has received about how to “act like a man” starts to take hold, and I see my beautiful son start trying to hide his emotions.
~ I am very careful to correct people (mostly people that I know, although I have done it to strangers) when they ask my son “Oh, do you have a girlfriend?” that I do not presume my son’s sexuality, and he may very well end up with a boyfriend, or not want to have a partner at all. This is usually met with eyerolls or stern looks.
~ I am outreach worker for a family planning agency, so my son has spent most of his life being immersed in a very liberal, pro-choice, diverse community. I have many friends of different orientations, ethnicities, backgrounds, and beliefs. I find myself wondering if I selfishly seek out people to be acquaintances so I can provide a diverse group of people for my son to interact with. I’m not sure how to balance my desire for him to grow up surrounded by different perspectives with the knowledge that I cannot use people’s lives to set examples for him. It’s a difficult line to straddle.
~ I have tried to consciously raise him a non-violent environment. He was not allowed to watch any tv or videos that implied or depicted violence as a younger child. (I cannot believe how many people I know allow their 2 and 3 year olds to watch explicitly violent movies and shows!) I had a no-violent-toys rule until very recently, and I’m still queasy about allowing him to play violently. This article really changed how I viewed the issue: http://www.mothering.com/articles/growing_child/discipline/bang-bang.html I try to explain to him the importance of not playing like we’re hurting other people, but it’s nearly impossible to control the influence his peers have on his play behavior. This is one of my greatest struggles, and I don’t have any easy or actual answers for this dilemma.
I hope other feminist parents raising boys can have some insight or wisdom to depart on this subject. I see a lot of discussion on raising girls in feminist circles, but not a lot on raising boys. Any input is appreciated!
67 Comments
You’ve gotten some great advice so far. As a parent of two wonderful boys, 21 and 17, I think I can look back now and see some of my own mistakes and successes enough to have perspective.
With children, especially as young as 5, I think that being surrounded by good examples goes much farther than what you can say to them. They draw into themselves the actions, attitudes and behavior of the people around them, especially their parents, to use as personal building blocks for their own emerging selves. Of course you need to answer their questions about the world as well, but I found that the times I was able to do that most effectively was when I kept it simple and age appropriate.
If you want them to still respect your values and opinions as they become adolescents, and the world with its ugliness and beauty is calling them, and their inner adult is awakening to tell them to separate from you, then they have to like you. How you treat them when they are little usually becomes how they will treat you when they become powerful. So love them and also like them, be kind, pay attention to them, listen, respect their opinions, act respectfully in your behavior (which does not mean let them do whatever they want, you as the adult have more insight and experience to know what is good for them) and use those things as tools to give them guidance.
One of the high points of my parenting experience was when my older son was about 13. We were all in the car listening to his choice of radio station when the 3 radio personalities had some highly objectionable sexist commentary. I groaned involuntarily. I probably would have said something, but before I could my son asked me why I felt that way, why was it sexist, etc. We all, including my younger son, got into a discussion about sexism. Because they asked the questions, I felt that they really wanted to hear my answers. Afterward I felt strangely fortunate that our local radio jocks are such sexist idiots.
My older son was a very sensitive little boy. He often didn’t fit in with usual “boy” behavior. He desperately wanted some toys that I wouldn’t have wanted to give a daughter if I’d had one, like garish plastic stick-on earrings, and had a “pink” phase. He got along well with both boys and girls at school, his boy friends thought he was a little weird but liked him anyway, but the girls decided to make him an honorary girl, and named him Michelle. In spite of all that it was not evident overall that he was gay, not even to him, but it turned out that he is. Though he and I both worried about it, he never really suffered from the prejudice of his peers, but looking back I now recognize that he had a very difficult time with straight adult men in his life. I was constantly hearing from male teachers, soccer coaches etc. that there was something wrong, but they couldn’t figure what it exactly was, but they just felt they couldn’t “reach” him. Female teachers however, loved him and thought he was a good student. This is still confusing to me, because I don’t want to believe that boys or girls of any sexual orientation must conform to gendered roles, or that they should be treated differently because of their gender. But according to him, he was more comfortable being treated the way we tend to treat girls, and not being treated in the stereotypical way we treat boys. I think that the well intentioned efforts of these men to “toughen him up” in that way of getting boys to act more manly, and the failure of those efforts, did hurt him in the long run by giving him the message that he was not OK as he was. (But I don’t disagree with the posters who have said that you can’t shield them from the world and the usual hard knocks that come from living in it.) The assumption that every child is straight (until proven gay) can be damaging to gay children. On the other hand I don’t think that the straight children can be hurt by the knowledge that they are allowed to be who they are whether straight or gay.
As an adult my son is still somewhat overly sensitive, and less comfortable with straight men. But sometimes your greatest weaknesses are connected to your greatest strengths. He is a caring considerate personable man who has a lot of insight into other people, and a deliciously dry sense of humor. He gets along wonderfully with women, lesbians and feminists included, and can easily relate to feminist thinking.
My younger son is definitely a manly type boy, always was, and now at 17 has that confident swagger. He self-identifies as a progressive and feminist thinking type of guy, but I can clearly see that he has no idea of the considerable privilege he wields as a white, middle class, straight, handsome, intelligent, talented guy. As far as feminism is concerned he knows how to talk the talk (and its great that he wants to) but I’m not convinced he could walk the walk yet. I think he’ll get there. I think it’s important that he was exposed to literature and media with a female protagonist, and he is unquestioningly accepting that his brother is gay. Now that they are older and don’t fight with each other all the time (healthy violence?) they are great friends. I notice that he is attracted to strong and accomplished young women, as girlfriends and as friends. I think/hope he’s turning out pretty well.
Annabel644, I think it’s great that you are exposing your son to diverse people, and you seem to take the responsibilities of parenting very seriously. But don’t worry too much, and enjoy being with your beautiful son. As long as he feels loved, liked, respected and protected by you he will learn the valuable life lessons that you teach, even through your mistakes.
You’ve gotten some great advice so far. As a parent of two wonderful boys, 21 and 17, I think I can look back now and see some of my own mistakes and successes enough to have perspective.
With children, especially as young as 5, I think that being surrounded by good examples goes much farther than what you can say to them. They draw into themselves the actions, attitudes and behavior of the people around them, especially their parents, to use as personal building blocks for their own emerging selves. Of course you need to answer their questions about the world as well, but I found that the times I was able to do that most effectively was when I kept it simple and age appropriate.
If you want them to still respect your values and opinions as they become adolescents, and the world with its ugliness and beauty is calling them, and their inner adult is awakening to tell them to separate from you, then they have to like you. How you treat them when they are little usually becomes how they will treat you when they become powerful. So love them and also like them, be kind, pay attention to them, listen, respect their opinions, act respectfully in your behavior (which does not mean let them do whatever they want, you as the adult have more insight and experience to know what is good for them) and use those things as tools to give them guidance.
One of the high points of my parenting experience was when my older son was about 13. We were all in the car listening to his choice of radio station when the 3 radio personalities had some highly objectionable sexist commentary. I groaned involuntarily. I probably would have said something, but before I could my son asked me why I felt that way, why was it sexist, etc. We all, including my younger son, got into a discussion about sexism. Because they asked the questions, I felt that they really wanted to hear my answers. Afterward I felt strangely fortunate that our local radio jocks are such sexist idiots.
My older son was a very sensitive little boy. He often didn’t fit in with usual “boy” behavior. He desperately wanted some toys that I wouldn’t have wanted to give a daughter if I’d had one, like garish plastic stick-on earrings, and had a “pink” phase. He got along well with both boys and girls at school, his boy friends thought he was a little weird but liked him anyway, but the girls decided to make him an honorary girl, and named him Michelle. In spite of all that it was not evident overall that he was gay, not even to him, but it turned out that he is. Though he and I both worried about it, he never really suffered from the prejudice of his peers, but looking back I now recognize that he had a very difficult time with straight adult men in his life. I was constantly hearing from male teachers, soccer coaches etc. that there was something wrong, but they couldn’t figure what it exactly was, but they just felt they couldn’t “reach” him. Female teachers however, loved him and thought he was a good student. This is still confusing to me, because I don’t want to believe that boys or girls of any sexual orientation must conform to gendered roles, or that they should be treated differently because of their gender. But according to him, he was more comfortable being treated the way we tend to treat girls, and not being treated in the stereotypical way we treat boys. I think that the well intentioned efforts of these men to “toughen him up” in that way of getting boys to act more manly, and the failure of those efforts, did hurt him in the long run by giving him the message that he was not OK as he was. (But I don’t disagree with the posters who have said that you can’t shield them from the world and the usual hard knocks that come from living in it.) The assumption that every child is straight (until proven gay) can be damaging to gay children. On the other hand I don’t think that the straight children can be hurt by the knowledge that they are allowed to be who they are whether straight or gay.
As an adult my son is still somewhat overly sensitive, and less comfortable with straight men. But sometimes your greatest weaknesses are connected to your greatest strengths. He is a caring considerate personable man who has a lot of insight into other people, and a deliciously dry sense of humor. He gets along wonderfully with women, lesbians and feminists included, and can easily relate to feminist thinking.
My younger son is definitely a manly type boy, always was, and now at 17 has that confident swagger. He self-identifies as a progressive and feminist thinking type of guy, but I can clearly see that he has no idea of the considerable privilege he wields as a white, middle class, straight, handsome, intelligent, talented guy. As far as feminism is concerned he knows how to talk the talk (and its great that he wants to) but I’m not convinced he could walk the walk yet. I think he’ll get there. I think it’s important that he was exposed to literature and media with a female protagonist, and he is unquestioningly accepting that his brother is gay. Now that they are older and don’t fight with each other all the time (healthy violence?) they are great friends. I notice that he is attracted to strong and accomplished young women, as girlfriends and as friends. I think/hope he’s turning out pretty well.
Annabel644, I think it’s great that you are exposing your son to diverse people, and you seem to take the responsibilities of parenting very seriously. But don’t worry too much, and enjoy being with your beautiful son. As long as he feels loved, liked, respected and protected by you he will learn the valuable life lessons that you teach, even through your mistakes.
Hi Chauvinist! lol at your choice of name
In coming on this post, and sharing your opinions in the way you have, you are obviously trying to be as offensive to the the original poster as possible: “There’s no such thing as raising a feminist son, there’s only such thing as raising a pussy. And I hope for your son’s sake that there’s still time to save him.”
To equate sensitivity with a propensity to cry in public is one hell of a leap. Sensitivity means to be in tune with your own feelings and the feelings of others. It means you don’t deliberately go out of your way to hurt another or put them down. It means you are aware of the differences in people and are accepting of them. Sensitivity is not an exclusively feminist or female attribute. In giving the example of the teenager who was bullied at school, as well as criticizing the victim for causing himself to be bullied (as if anyone would choose to do that?!), have you ever questioned the behaviour of those who bullied him, what was driving them and what they got out of it? Were they asserting their narrow definition of masculinity and power by showing no sensitivity or compassion to another boy who just happened to be different to them?
Many posters on here have actually suggested to the original poster to focus more on bringing her son up to be a decent human being, rather than having a specific feminist agenda. I am of that view myself. In doing this, many feminist attitudes and values will form anyway.
My boys, 22 and 19, show plenty of sensitivity, but they are no pussies!!!! Sensitivity and masculinity need not be mutually exclusive as you believe them to be. Both play football (Australian style with no padding), cricket, swim and the younger, that most demanding of sports, water polo. The older one also does weights and has the body to show for it. When engaged in these stereotypically “masculine” activities, particularly contact sports like Aussie Rules Football and water polo, they are certainly able to give as good as they get. They are extremely competitive and ambitious outside of the sporting arena as well. I realize that as they have grown, the outside influences on what it means to be a man have certainly done their work, but I understand that they have to survive in the real world as men, and so do not question or criticize their choices.
However, being able to survive as men, does not mean that they have to be devoid of sensitivity towards others. We have many discussions about injustice, discrimination and stereotyping, not only with regard to sex, but also race, social class, religion, etc. They astound me with their understanding of the complex issues involved and the compassion they show for others. I watch them interact with people and feel as a parent that I have done ok.
I empathize with the original poster in trying so hard to bring up her son in a world full of conflicting values and messages. I remember when mine were so young, I too wanted to be the perfect parent, but found out, as we all do, that it is not possible. All we can do is our best, and in trying to encourage sensitivity in boys, is actually to their advantage in that they will be more likely to understand others and their own reactions to them. To be successful men, boys need to develop social skills and be in tune with their feelings and those of others, as well as developing the masculine traits that society demands of them.
In today’s complex world, to bring up a boy to be a “hard-assed” man who denies and/or hides his emotions because he believes that is what masculinity is about, you are actually disadvantaging him. He could be in danger of being left behind…
Best way to raise a feminist child? Lead by example. I plan to. I plan to look for any excuse to start conversations about how human beings should treat each other. I hope that by being a decent human being and teaching my children empathy will make them into feminists and decent human beings.
In regards to raising your son in the feminist way, you have to remember that he will find his own path at some point in his life no matter how you raise him. As a young boy he will relish in his mother’s affections. As a teenager he will seek out the male influence so as to fit in with the others at school. And as a man, you as his mother should hope that he has found the balance in what you have taught him and what the external world has thrown upon him. As far as avoiding the violent toys and media, you can only guard your child for so long, and again, they will find a way at some point on their own. I agree with not allowing them to watch violence or play over violently, but we should also be raising our children to defend themselves in ways that will keep them safe and point out the differences between those that do harm and those that recieve. Todays youth are growing up not knowing how to properly deal with their emotions and actions due to a lack of parenting and they are killing each other over stupid crap like cheerleading and being bullied. Don’t allow your son to miss out on the stereotypes of being a man, just educate him on how to properly apply in manliness to women.
I am a man and was raised by a feminist mom. I cannot say that my upbringing was probably that different from many any other sons, but I was certainly made well aware of sexism and discrimination (racial and gender, actually, which I was raised to believe were products of the same mind). And I noticed the way my mother was treated at her job, the stories of the things the men in that factory would say and do that was directed at her (angering me to this day for how these so-called family men could act like this), and how she ultimately outworked and over time outlasted most all of the men there before retiring. And how she never took anything from anyone–her boss, my dad, anyone. I grew up admiring my mom for this and still do.
Nevertheless, when it came to my own development, how I lived my life and approached and maintained relationships with women, by adulthood there is only so much any parent can do. In the end, I think the importance of a feminist upbringing for a son is the example she set, because my wife is a feminist, as I am, and she has many of the same qualities and values as my mom.
I have just looked at the details of the book that Steven cited ( http://www.williampollack.com/real_boys_book.html ) and I am at a loss to understand why no one has thanked him for providing it. It deals with the thread starters concerns about her boys ‘sensitivity’ as well as the whole educational system as it applies to boys. The whole tone of the book (judging from the detailed descriptions given at the website)is very pro-feminist from what I can see. The only ‘problem’ I see is that because it also enumerates very specifically where boys are not best served by current practice i.e. this is ‘dangerous’ speech for it commits the ‘mortal sin’ of suggesting that boys can be victims too and that will not do with the hardcore radical feminist mindset which hold firmly to the (erroneous) belief that of the two sexes only GIRLS(or Women) can be ‘victims’ whilst boys (or men) can only be viewed as privileged perpetrators potentially or otherwise. If that description makes any reader of this feel uncomfortable then I suggest you have some deep soul searching ahead especially if you have sons.
Did anyone else notice this sentence about half-way through the article from “Mothering” magazine, mentioned in bullet-point 5, above??
“It seems wrong somehow to deny our children, ESPECIALLY OUR SONS, this sense of power and security they crave.”
It stuck out like a sore thumb! Maybe I’m missing something here, but it sounds to me like the author feels that our sons have a greater right to developing a sense of power and security than our daughters. A shame, really, because I really enjoyed the rest of the article…
tinybikebell maybe it’s guilt stemming from the fact that sons are so ill served by a feminised education system not to mention a feminism which views boys as ‘privileged members of the patriarchy’ and girls as it’s ‘victims’!
With the traditional roles men were expected to play in society, I think traditional “masculine” values provide the tools needed to succeed. I also think that the backlash against being a “good little girl” is actually an expression of mutual agreement that these values are critical to making it in the world.
If you are the sole provider for your family, it doesn’t matter if you are sick, if your mother or father just died or your boss treats you terribly, you still have to get up every day and do your job.
After thousands of years of men having to succeed based on the realities of the world, values which glorify disregard for sickness, callousness toward your own feelings as well as others, aggressiveness became the most basic tools a man had to succeed and provide.
I think most people, men and women, still recognize the value of these characteristics although probably unconsciously. I think feminism has contributed to opening up the socialization of these values into women and has allowed women to succeed.
If I were raising a child I’d try to set an example of a well rounded person. Something I’m not sure I had when I was growing up. The trick is to know when to be sensitive and when not to. A certain amount of thick skin is needed to be successful but that doesn’t mean rolling through the world like a tank and crushing everyone in your path. I guess an embodiment of a yin-yang is what I’d try to teach by example.
Your friends, family members, etc deserve to have their feelings tended to and supported. But, I think the emotional toughness and resilience needed to face the world everyday comes from not being sensitive enough to let nasty and negative people get you down. My dad used to say: “Get on the ship. Do the job. Get off the ship.” The answer to being emotionally assaulted is not to cry about it in public. The answer is to put your head down, grit your teeth and do what you have to do. Later, when you have someone you trust, let it out.
I don’t think this is contrary to feminism and I think that feminists can agree with this more so than most. Do you think that, as a feminist, it is admirable to get your feelings hurt, be emotionally sensitive and cry when sexist people verbally assault you? Would you admire a woman that acted that way in public? Would you employ someone who was depressed everyday and cried at the hint of criticism? No. A point: if he wasn’t so sensitive to people he shouldn’t be sensitive to, he could wear whatever he wanted and it wouldn’t matter what other people think.
The other side of that coin is that caring about other people is a basic human trait and it’s important to know that it is OK to be sensitive to people close to you and to be respectful of people’s feelings. There is a time and place for everything.
As for being aggressive and wanting to win, there is just no reason not to promote that. People are in competition with each other all through their lives and sometimes the difference isn’t in ability or desire, it’s a matter of not backing down and being dominated. There’s a basic fact: It is NOT OK to be dominated and being aggressive and competitive are the traits which prevent it. Again these are basic life skills which are taught to boys and are thankfully being opened up to girls.
Again, the other side of that is knowing that all things will pass and that while you might be a winner in one particular race, you will occasionally be a loser. I’d try to get the point across that respecting others is important when you are trying to win and even more important if you do win. And going back to the sensitivity thing: be resilient enough to get back on the horse after you lose.
Violence is the part that most disturbs me about “masculinity.” I think that people mix up the life skills I talked about above with a basic disregard for people. It is not natural to inflict pain and suffering on people and I think those life skills can be taken to an extreme which enables violence. Respect for others is so important in this regard. That being said, I don’t think playing video games is going to hurt anything as long as he is old enough to realize that it is all fake
I’d like to hear any comments. Sorry about the length. I’m still learning about feminism so the formal concepts like “privilege” and “patriarchy” might need a little explanation.
I guess I don’t think about how it would feel the be gay or have a gay son, as my son is naturally a big flirt with all the girls, but my natural response would be “He has lots of both girl and boy friends”, because “girlfriend” can be used for both romantic and platonic situations. That way I don’t make people uncomfortable for asking a question meant to get the kid talking, not spark WWIII, and it conditions the kid to let stuff roll of his shoulders.
I hope that I will be raising my son to the feminist standards you promote, but if I’m slightly less, I still hope he will be a great, caring, compassionate adult, and that’s what important to me.
I’m a little bit late to the game on this one, but this post really got me thinking about quite a lot of things. I’m not a mother (although I hope to become one in the next few years), but I was raised by a very consciously feminist mother. Most of her mom friends, and my friends’ mothers, were very feminist parents too. Some succeeded brilliantly, some failed miserably, and most were somewhere in between – big surprise, right? (Not coincidentally, basic good parenting – loving, neither too lax nor too strict, attentive but not hovering and all that – was the most important thing of all.) Reflections on that, though…
One concrete thing my mom did that really helped was to make sure I had picture (and later chapter) books with a cultural variety of characters. Browsing bookstores today, I’m appalled at the near-exclusivity of white characters. I don’t know what’s in print now, but it might be worth your while just to search through the multicultural books (or whatever they call them) at Amazon.com and then seeing which ones they have at your local library. In my family, the payoff of this policy was not instant, but my sister and I at least grew up with the awareness that “white, North American, able-bodied, middle class” was not the default for all humans. This in addition to your circle of friends, of course – but I think it can help just to be aware of other cultures, even if a kid doesn’t have much direct exposure to them.
The other strategy that I thought was important was being aware of the child’s perspective and cognitive stage. An example from something that didn’t work: when I was about six, my mother would talk to me about the unfairness of the wage gap and the need to change things. Well and good in theory, but I had no real understanding of why grown-ups had jobs or how the exchange of money worked, so I was just bored and resented the whole talk. A few feminist moms (and dads), in retrospect, also went overboard when their sons had girls-are-icky phases. Most little kids spend a while thinking the other sex is yucky – it’s a fairly normal part of development, not usually the genesis of virulent misogyny.
With media exposure… My parents thought fairy tales set a bad example, but I knew perfectly well (at age five) that I shouldn’t expect a “rescuing prince” scenario any more than a talking bear in the garden. It’s my understanding that kids under about eight are best kept away from notably violent TV, etc. (and all TV) – but most five-year-olds make a better fantasy/reality distinction than adults realize, and they’re far more influenced by the people around them than by television. (Unless, or course, they’re parked in front of the TV all day, which is never good.;) It sounds like you’re being conscientious but not panicky about that issue, which strikes me as a good idea.
Awareness of a kid’s comfort level was, and is, also a make-or-break deal. I have to admit that I’d be more inclined, with the unwarranted girlfriend questions, to say something like “I think dating’s another decade off, don’t you?” or “My son is friends with lots of nice girls and boys.” Most prepubescent kids don’t quite “get” the concepts of sexual attraction and life partnership, and it might be easier to give a neutral answer (the future dating could involve girls, boys, or both) that is polite but also lets the other grown-up know that the question isn’t appropriate.
At any rate, you’ve certainly given all these issues plenty of thought! My only really concrete piece of advice per se is to expect some adolescent rebellion. Whether your son ultimately identifies himself as a feminist or not, he’s highly likely to go through one of two adolescent phases: 1) Hating feminism, and insinuating to you that women are all whiny, entitled, perpetual victims. 2) Getting really hardcore and radical and determining that you are not enough of a feminist, have failed the movement, and are personally responsible for holding back women everywhere. I went through both phases with my poor mother – somehow we both survived my adolescence, and I eventually got over it. Whatever else women may have accomplished, time remains the only cure for adolescence. But if children learn by consistent example to respect everyone and to be aware of the need for justice, they tend to do just fine in the end.
“My son is beautiful, smart, and extremely capable. Obviously, this terrifies me.”
Can you see how deeply, deeply messed up this is?
Your son is beautiful. Beautiful = terrifying?
Your son is smart. Smart = terrifying?
Your son is capable. Capable = terrifying?
I’ll go out on a limb and assume that’s not what you meant.
Your sentence, and the overall tone of your post, seems to suggest is that your problem with your son is not his gorgeousness and intelligence. It’s that he is male.
I wish you luck and happiness. And I wish your son luck and happiness. But man, I have to admit, I’m worried for the poor little bugger, and not for the reasons you articulate here.
why shouldn’t feminists be proud to raise their boys up to be more like little girls. This would cut down on alot of aggressive crime towards women. my wife and i are raising our only son up as a girl. She has raised him up as a girl from the very beggining. He has a girls name. He dresses in girls clothes likes girly things we encourage the female prespective on all things for him including sexuality. We have encouraged him to wait until he is older to see if he wants to be married to a man or a woman. that is his choice and we encourage him to see males as possible boyfreinds or husbands. we teach him that there are alot of boys just like him that dream of having a boyfreind instead of a girlfreind and that we would prefer him to be with a boy rather than a girl. I was reluctant at first about this but after talking to my wife she is right. now since he is thirteen my wife has had a talk with him. And he did need a little convincing from her, but she did finally convince him that he needed to make the right choice and they both agreed that it would be better if he picks boys to be with insted of girls. and that he should stop seeing girls sexually and only see men sexually. we’ve talked to many couples practicing the same thing and it’s working for them as well. i think we need to start a real conversation about the unlimited benefits of this practice. We could eliminate violence towards women in one generation of demasculated boys. It’s hard to tear down the masculinity of boys, the point is to never install it in the first place, and instead install femininity like we did, it works. And we should encourage all parents in the country to do the same. you don’t have to dress them as girls, but you should throught their childhood encourage them and to let them know that as their parents you would prefer them to like other boys instead of girls, and then when their ready around 12-13 let them know that they need to be exclusivey with men and that they should stop looking at girls sexually. this could really be a big step in feminism. maybe we need more studies on how to psychologically demasculate little boys at a faster rate, so to eliminate masculinity before puberty, thereby guiding them into homosexual relations from the onset of their young adult lives. what if it woked that when the boys became sexually mature they were already predisposed to be attracted to other males therefore all young males first loves, will be other males, this would be a very good thing for our society. let me know what u ladies think about this practice and its benefits.
Earlier, someone referred to raising your child to be feminist as an “experiment”. I’ve received this same response myself, not just for attempting to raise a feminist boy, but a vegetarian kid, a non-religious kid, etc.
It all has to do with the status-quo. People raise their children to be Christian all the time, and nobody calls it an experiment.
I think it’s fine and necessary to raise your kids in the principles you value, as long as you don’t let those values slip into dogmatism. I am constantly checking myself to make sure that my decisions are not reactionary (eg, demonizing football while lionizing ballet.) The point isn’t to replace one set of strict gender codes with a different one. The point is to tell your kids that both football AND ballet are acceptable things for both boys and girls to do.
And as for making my kid “stand out” and thus be punished for it by other kids…well, obviously, I want my child to be happy, but all children have at least a few difficult social experiences.
I think that difference can also be used to build character. I was a weird kid, and I took a lot of crap for it, but I think that in the long run, it has made me more stable in my own convictions, more able to take criticism with a grain of salt, and more accepting of difference in others.
When all is said and done, they are their own people, and you can only hope that they will make good decisions and be kind and happy people.
On the sensitivity–
My brother and I were raised by a very feminist single mother. We are 19 and 16 (I’m older). My brother’s straight and I’m les. We’re both feminists. We are also from SF, CA and went to high school in Davis, CA. Pretty liberal areas.
My brother is very sensitive. He cries when he’s upset and he shares his emotions openly. He hangs out with the theatre kids at school because they’re more accepting of male sensitivity. At the moment he’s very popular with the girls, partially because he’s handsome and partially because he’s respectful of them and engages in and enjoys some “feminine” activities like clothes shopping and sharing their feelings, talking things out.
In elementary school kids made fun of him for crying a lot. Then they got used to it and stopped teasing. When he got picked on he said that his big sister would come and beat them up. Not big masculine creds, but hey (and no, I didn’t). As he’s gotten older, he’s been picked on a couple times for being sensitive, but he usually responds with confidence and humor and then they leave him alone.
He seems happy and I’m proud of him. He’s a really sweet boy and I think that’s a part of his sensitivity. He’s stood up to his friends when they made homophobic comments and he does his own thing.
I always liked stuff like construction, power tools, wrestling and my brother was always into art. My mom let us do our own thing without too much of a gender bias. When I came out all she said was that I didn’t need to put a label on my sexuality, and that she loved me no matter what. Because my mom was always accepting of my brother and I, when we hit those difficult teen years we kept up communication with my mom. A lot of my friends didn’t because they felt like their parents didn’t understand them and wanted to be something they were not. I told my mom about everything from my first kiss, to popping my cherry to smoking pot (and not liking it) to what was going on at school. My brother calls me every time he makes out with a girl because he’s so excited.
I’m grateful for having been raised in a feminist household. I think my brother and I turned out the better for it. It was no more an experiment than raising any child is.
you feminists are sick !
save the males !
L