A friend of mine who used to be in an abusive relationship (before I knew her) recommended a book to me called Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men that I highly recommend. Since I grew up with an abusive father, it really rang true for me and helped me in my dealings with my own dad. It really helps to understand the guy's mindset, which this book explains, and it also explains how to support someone you know who is in an abusive relationship.

Until you can access that, though, I think the best thing you can do is stand by her and not judge her. Let her know that she can trust herself, since that is probably the first thing he has taken from her. Reassure her that she isn't crazy when he makes her think she is and remind her (carefully!) that she doesn't deserve to be treated this way. Unfortunately, she may never leave him, but that shouldn't stop you from being friends with her because then she is isolated and he has her exactly where he wants her. Good luck and my best wishes to both you and your friend.

I'm going to echo wax ghost and say that the only thing you really can do for your friend is to be there for her. Her abusive boyfriend is doing what he can to drive you away so that she won't have any resources when she does decide that enough is enough and tries to leave. Don't let him get between you two. You need to be there to help her when she does want to get out.

Don't go out of your way to bash the bastard boyfriend. She'll only end up defending him more. Instead, treat your friend the way she should be treated by someone who cares for her and hopefully she'll see the difference and come to you for help.

Personally, (and this is coming from what I saw on an Oprah show, so take this for what it's worth) I would document, document, document. Any time violence happens, make a note of the day and time and what you see/hear about. If things get bad and she needs to press charges against him, police will have evidence from you.

It does sound like this couple needs counseling, but the woman needs you as a friend, too. Good luck.

Check out this link; http://neighboursfriendsandfamilies.ca/eng/mainnew.php

I work at a women's shelter and this program is quite useful for people like yourself.

I would ignore the pamphlet on talking to the abusive partner, that can put yourself in danger (one problem we have with the program).

But some of the more common stuff might be useful to share with your friend, especially the safety planning portion.

I hope you (and anyone else who needs it) find this helpful.

I've been on both sides of this issue. I agree that you should keep the focus on her - remind her of her good traits, that is beautiful, etc. Women play mental gymnastics to excuse unacceptable behavior in their partners. If she thinks you're attacking him, she'll feel torn between you but ultimately probably stay with him.

Is there an Al-Anon chapter were she lives? It's an organization for friends and family of alcoholics. This group helped me to stop trying to "fix" my exhusband, to see my own value as a person (everyone in that room respected me!), and eventually to leave him.

When she *is* ready to go, she may be tempted to confront him. This is HIGHLY DANGEROUS. When an abuser feels he is losing control over the abused, often the worst violence happens. Be prepared to help her make an escape plan to stay somewhere hidden and safe. Listen to all her feelings - even if she wants to go back with him. She may just need to process these thoughts with a safe person (you) and might not actually do it. Women in these situations often feel more afraid of the unknown, lonely single world out there, than staying in the hell of an abusive relationship. "The devil that you know is better than the one that you don't" and all that.

Same thing with leaving - listen and don't judge. It may take her several rounds of thinking this through before she is truly prepared to let go of the destructive relationship. (Remember, he's telling her through his words and actions that she doesn't deserve anything better.)

And document everything! If nothing else, at some point in the future, she may need to see this list for herself. I know I didn't realize *everything* abusive my ex did until I was filling out papers for a restraining order and the clerk kept listing all these other things he'd done, and I was amazed. When I was in it, I thought he had "bad" days, but I didn't realize how hellish the whole deal was for me, or how much I had put up with.

I wish you and your friend the best in mental health and safety.

I know a bit about prosecuting domestic violence and I would urge you to document things.

But here is the tricky part. The words she says to you are not likely to be admitted in a trial against him. If you want documentation that will be helpful in a criminal prosecution, please TAKE PICTURES! Take as many pictures as you can. If she has bruises, take pictures of them every time!

It is easy to explain away a couple of injuries, but when you have pictures of dozens of injuries it is sure to help prove his guilt!

Also, take note of incriminating things that you hear him say, because his words are able to be admitted against him!

Also in addition to taking pictures, take the picture with a copy for the newspaper with the days date on them so they can't say they are pictures from before, this is how we did it at the DV shelter I worked at.

I interned at a domestic violence organization and they stressed that couples counseling is not advised in cases of abuse. I certainly believe that a mental health professional trained to deal with domestic violence could help her perhaps cope until she is ready to leave/or even help her get to a point where she makes that decision though it sounds like one may be hard to find where you are at. Also make sure to point out to your friend that abuse is not about "anger issues" it is about control. Therefore, even if she talked her partner into seeking help, anger management training is not the answer and she would want to make sure that he is seeing someone who has professionally worked with domestic abusers and tackles the real cause while not falling for the manipulations that abusers are often so good at. I also recommend the book Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. I find that understanding exactly what is going on and why is often one of the first steps in escaping it/making sure it is not internalized as the victims fault. As already mentioned it also helps to encourage her to work on a "safety plan". Other than that I recommend continuing to let her know you are there for her regardless of her choices and not coming across as judgmental of her or always talking about the abuse. Do continue to calmly remind her that his behavior is not o.k. when an incident occurs or she brings up the topic. Since you mentioned that he is cutting her off from friends I would also suggest continuing to encourage her to get out and do things, inviting her to places/activities, etc. so that he does not become her only world. You may also want to take safety precautions yourself because if he feels their relationship/his control over her is threatened by you there is a possibility for him to become violent with you. For instance, if he doesn't know where you live or work I would attempt to make sure he doesn't find out. It already sounds like you are trying to be a really good friend and sticking around, and that is what she needs now.