Please forgive but I am some kinda pissed off right now. Actually pissed off is putting it nicely, I am simply disgustted.
Today I went to lunch with a female co-worker who I always thought was just an all-around cool person. While I wasn't sure what exactly her political affiliation was, I loved discussing all the irony and ridiculousness in society. She is very intelligent and always brought an interesting perspective to things. Anyways,she asked me if I was in any clubs at school and I told her how I was a member of a student group called N.O.W.C.A.N. (National Organization for Women Campus Action Network, basically a college version of NOW) and I explained to her what it was. She then asked me what kind of stuff we did and I'm really bad explaining stuff on the spot so as I was about to answer her question she goes "You just sit around and discuss different brands of tampons, right?" Although I was pissed at this point, I was used to getting those "joking" kind of reactions from people who didn't really know much about feminism. Only, her remark wasn't followed by the usual laugh or "I'm just kidding" add-on, and it really sounded like she was dead serious. I then laughed nervously, replying, "No we discuss women's rights and issues." My co-worker then said, still serious, "Right, so you talk about what brand of tampons to wear." At this point I felt so unbelievable uncomfortable and my phone just happened to ring (thank you god)so I picked it up and that was basically the end of it.
Right now I just want to cry or scream or punch something I am so outraged. But the person I'm most upset with is myself because I just let it go. Feminism is supposed to be about standing up for women and I should have stood up for my feminist values when she tried to attack them, but no, I caved under pressure and changed the subject.
It's one thing if I had simply decided it was not a battle worth fighting, but the truth is, and please try not to judge too harshly - I'm scared of what people will think when they find out I'm a feminist. I've always been very self-conscious and I avoid confrontations at all costs. No matter how hard I try not to care about what other people think, it really does get to me.
And as proud and fullfilling as it is for me to say "I'm a feminist," I just get so frusterated with people's negative/sexist reactions to the simple statement. I get knots in my stomach when someone asks me about N.O.WC.A.N. I even feel the need to read feministing in secret because, frankly, I am tired of being put on the defensive, I am tired of always having to justify feminism, and most of all, I am fucking sick and tired of "So you sit around and talk about which brand of tampons to use?"
But I am not going to give up that easily. Countless women have sacrificed their lives so that we could get to where we are now, and I am not going to let that feminist flame burn out. In fact, I am going to look at today's incident as one more piece of evidence for why we still do need feminism.
Thank you for letting me vent, I feel much better now. Stay strong feministingers!
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dude, I don't blame you for being pissed off!!! you have more patience than I do.... cos I'd punch her lights out !!!
Aw, I'm sorry that happened. So frustrating.
If you feel comfortable doing so, maybe you can email her a link to the NOWCAN website or blog or something, saying, "By the way, this is what we talk about in that group I was telling you about." Just to give yourself closure.
It might be easier to do that than to try explaining things verbally.
I would have been speechless just from the non sequitor. I don't normally go from feminism to tampons on a regular brain synapse, so... I probably would have said something like "fishsticks" in hopes that things would have made sense again.
I hate it when I totally balk in situations like this. But then I remember how angry I was about my silence the next time it happens and I feel that much more prepared to stand up and say something. Hopefully next time you'll be able to engage her in discussion about this!
I always find theses sorts of things somehow harder when you are dealing with women (I always feel they should know better..), and doubly hard when put on the spot especially with daft questions about tampons! (most of my feminist buddies have converted to the mooncup anyway!)
I guess the best thing to do would be to look at this as an opportunity to educate. If she is a coworker, than hopefully you will see her again, and will be able to have a real conversation with her about what Feminism really is, and perhaps understand her values better. She certainly wouldn't be the first to be a feminist without knowing it.
Never let other people make you feel ashamed for supporting something you believe in. I know exactly how you feel, and I am also pretty sick of having to defend feminism to a bunch of vapid people who seem to think it's the Misandric Hairy Armpit Braburner Club (nothing wrong with defying beauty culture, stereotypes of any kind are just plain stupid). Stay strong, Jen!
Thanks for your comments everyone! I knew you all would make me feel better! *Hugs*
Also, it's good that you were able to reflect on this, and make goals for next time, but don't be too hard on yourself for not saying anything at the time. We've got to break down this culture of shame and guilt. There's a lot of pressure put on women to be "perfect." Even a lot of pressure to be the "perfect feminist," which I don't think actually exists. Reflect and learn, but don't feel shame and guilt. The fact that you could reflect and learn means you are a good feminist anyways.