My partner and I don't have children and have plans to not have children so I would probably be the last person you would want to ask for advise on raising kids. That said, it sounds to me like you are doing a WONDERFUL job.

It's a fine line, letting children express themselves but being aware of how cruel other children can be to anyone who is different. I think the painting of his room, allowing for him to still have the pink that he chose while making it a room that the other children would not tease him over was a great idea. While it is horrible that we as a society feel we have to hide who we are and that something as simple as pink paint would make a boy the subject or ridicule, we still have to consider that and weigh the choice of individuality against the emotional abuse from our peers. I think your compromise was a great way to go. It shows insight to the world at large while allowing your son to express himself.

Sadly, I know more about how NOT to raise a feminist son. My partner and I are rather upset with his father, who remarried about a year ago and now has a five-year-old stepson. At a birthday party for my brother-in-law, some of the family was laughing about how my father-in-law was teaching the little kid to flirt with waitresses and how he gave one of them his phone number! I was appalled. It's not 'cute' when babies curse, or smoke, or flirt. They are not little adults and it's funny to hear such words out of a little mouth. All teaching your child to do these things is hurt him or her later in life.

I was saddened when I learned what my father-in-law was teaching his stepson. My partner and his brother are both wonderful men and their mother would have never allowed one of her sons to act in such a way. I know if she were still alive, she would be furious that her husband not only allows this kind of behavior from his stepson but ENCOURGAGES it! (Of course, had she not passed away, there wouldn't be a stepson, but I guess that's beside the point for now.)

Anyway, before I ramble even further off topic, I will just say again, I think you are doing a wonderful job raising your son to be feminist. Children are remarkable little sponges at times and he will surely soak up much of your feminist habits and traits that you are not even aware you are teaching him. I wish that more parents were more responsible and considered the things they are teaching their children a little harder like you and your partner seem to be.

My oldest is not quite five yet. We've tried to affirm our kids in whatever they are drawn to without regard to gender stereotypes. I take the same approach to them potentially getting mocked that I do with a lot of low-grade physical danger: they're tough, and the world is full of sharp corners and hard knocks. Just like I don't try to protect them from boo-boos, I expect they will get made fun of, and I think the best defense is to raise them to be confident and defend their choices. I think "that's a stupid rule" is a good response to "X is for girls." It helps that we're in a pretty progressive area.

About sexual orientation, I have not yet heard someone ask if my son has a girlfriend, and I would react nastily.

... and it's funny to hear such words out of a little mouth.

That should read "...and it's *not* funny to hear..."

I promise one day I'll learn to proofread. *smile*

"About sexual orientation, I have not yet heard someone ask if my son has a girlfriend, and I would react nastily."

Is it really that bad to assume your child will end up like some 90% of the male population... cis-gendered?

It is a tough issue, but it sounds like you're doing a good job. It always amazes me how my friends who don't have kids think that the only influence on the kid is the parents. This comes out in this type of argument: "well our friends didn't let their daughter play with Barbies and she doesn't want to play with anything else right now." As if there were no other forces influencing her desires and her view of what it is to be a girl. This is generally taken to be proof of some essentialist position.

But the other thing that really gets me is how differently girls and boys are treated at my stepdaughter's preschool. When the boys behave in a physically aggressive way the teachers just dismiss it as "boys being boys" but when she retaliates against the class bully, who is forever tripping people, pulling hair, snatching away toys, knocking over towers, etc, we get a call saying she's hitting her classmates (or choking in the latest incident!). When we ask them what the situation is they reluctantly inform us that it was the same kid again, and he had provoked her all morning before she finally hit him. I don't understand why he's allowed to provoke her all morning but we immediately get a call the first time she resorts to violence. We don't want her to use violence to solve her problems, but we also think the mixed message she gets when he gets away with it is bullshit. So we're thinking of telling them that if they can't make an effort to control the behavior of the bully then we're going to allow her to physically defend herself without penalty. It sucks that most of the parents of boys in her class have the same attitude as the teachers, and actually encourage their boys to be physically aggressive. Such bullshit.

It is a tough issue, but it sounds like you're doing a good job. It always amazes me how my friends who don't have kids think that the only influence on the kid is the parents. This comes out in this type of argument: "well our friends didn't let their daughter play with Barbies and she doesn't want to play with anything else right now." As if there were no other forces influencing her desires and her view of what it is to be a girl. This is generally taken to be proof of some essentialist position.

But the other thing that really gets me is how differently girls and boys are treated at my stepdaughter's preschool. When the boys behave in a physically aggressive way the teachers just dismiss it as "boys being boys" but when she retaliates against the class bully, who is forever tripping people, pulling hair, snatching away toys, knocking over towers, etc, we get a call saying she's hitting her classmates (or choking in the latest incident!). When we ask them what the situation is they reluctantly inform us that it was the same kid again, and he had provoked her all morning before she finally hit him. I don't understand why he's allowed to provoke her all morning but we immediately get a call the first time she resorts to violence. We don't want her to use violence to solve her problems, but we also think the mixed message she gets when he gets away with it is bullshit. So we're thinking of telling them that if they can't make an effort to control the behavior of the bully then we're going to allow her to physically defend herself without penalty. It sucks that most of the parents of boys in her class have the same attitude as the teachers, and actually encourage their boys to be physically aggressive. Such bullshit.

In regards to the linked article on violent play, I am profoundly amused by the fact that a common response to adults getting upset by it is for the child to question the adults' grasp on reality. I guess the concern of the adults in this situation is what they call "projecting."

I've been musing about this one myself lately, as we decide whether or when to have another child. It seems to me that you're already doing a terrific job, especially with "stacking the deck" of your child's social life with people who have varied and healthy attitudes. Additionally, I think you could make a special effort to teach your son survival and life skills that are often overlooked for boys, such as cooking, cleaning, homemaking, laundry, and basic sewing. Maybe make a conscious effort to instill the same manners you would in a daughter. Refer to women as "persons" often, and encourage him to empathize with what they're feeling.

I am not a parent, nor was I raised by feminist parents, but I would like to recommend a book called "Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons From The Myths of Boyhood" by William Pollack. It is a great analysis of the cultural factors that encourage boys to act in unhealthy ways and provides suggestions for how to raise a boy in a way that lets him be empathic and vulnerable yet prepare him for 'the real world'. If I ever have a son, I will refer to this book often.

BTW, here is a link to info about the book:

http://www.williampollack.com/real_boys_book.html

Annabel, it sounds like you're doing a wonderful job already. I'm no good with kids, but I just wanted to laud your efforts.

And, as usual, Steven has an asinine and incoherent response...

""About sexual orientation, I have not yet heard someone ask if my son has a girlfriend, and I would react nastily."

Is it really that bad to assume your child will end up like some 90% of the male population... cis-gendered?"

Steven, I think you need to bust out a dictionary. Being cisgendered is not an indication of sexual orientation, so your response makes no sense.

In response to what I figure you were trying unsuccessfully to say: YES. First of all, why would anyone even think a five year old would have a romantic relationship? I'm sure they think it's oh-so-cute but I couldn't disagree more. Second of all, the fact that almost every person is pushed toward being heterosexual [we call this heterosexism] as if there is no other viable choice is damaging to people who are NOT heterosexual. It gets old after awhile having everyone assume that you are going to be a certain way, as if being that way is somehow not normal. Trying not to expose your kids to that sort of potential damage is a good thing. If more people didn't assume that their children would be heterosexual and let them know that it would be okay if they were not, there would be a lot less pressure on gay teenagers and adults alike who are afraid to come out because they've been taught that they're "supposed" to be heterosexual, or that their parents will be unkind to them if they are not.

Llama...

cis gendered form Wikipedia:
The word has its origin in the Latin-derived prefix cis, meaning "on the same side" as in the cis-trans distinction in chemistry. In this case, "cis" refers to the unity of a gender identity with a biological gender assignment.

Alot of academic words have many nuanced definitions, thats the one I used.

"And, as usual, Steven has an asinine and incoherent response..."

Not once, not freaking once, have I devolved to ad hominem responses.

Think about it.

Just becuase I ask a question does not make me asinine, and just becuase you don't understand that various nuanced definitions exist does not make me inchoherant

"generally more attuned to what is going on with people's emotions around him."

This is a wonderful quality for any person to have. Intuitive people are easy to talk to and he'll gain many friends this way.

Dan Savage has a pretty topical column this week:
http://thestranger.com/savage

"Contemplating—to say nothing of forcing others to contemplate—our children's future sex partners and interests is unnecessary. We parents shouldn't be in denial about children's sexuality, of course, and we should make sure our children receive excellent sex education. But beyond that, we should demonstrate a quiet reserve, a respect for our children's privacy, and refuse to indulge in gratuitous speculation. We can also demonstrate acceptance by being accepting, and let our kids know that it's okay with us if they're gay or bisexual—or straight—through our actions and, at carefully chosen moments, through our words.

Otherwise, ALIY, our primary responsibility as parents is to STFU, as the kids say, launder those crusty come socks without comment, and let them be who and what they are."

While, as usual, he can be a bit blunt and abrasive but I think his point is valid that we don't really need to be quite THAT involved in our kids sexuality. Especially when the kid is only 5!

I think a good response to "aww do you have a girlfriend yet" would be for your son to say "I'm only 5..." or you to mention that it's really none of their business.

I'm a 39 year old single straight male. I was (and still am) very much like your son: sensitive and empathic. I don't have kids so you can take this with a grain of salt.

But in my experience, being sensitive AND an iconoclast is a recipe for an unhappy life. For example, if your son wants to go to school wearing pink, he's got to either (a) be insensitive enough that the taunts don't bug him, or (b) change into blue.

I am not a happy adult. My parents, as much as I love them, should have toughened me up, and they should have explained that societies have expectations of people, and if you fail to live up to those expectations you will be ostracized and you will be mocked (by both men and women). Unfair? Sure. So what?

I realize that's probably not what you wanted to hear. But as a parent, you have to balance between telling your kid How It Ought To Be versus telling him How It Is. For example, when someone says "real beauty is on the inside", that's how it should be, but the fact is that if your son is 5' 2" in high school and wear glasses, all the "inner beauty" in the world won't stop him from getting the shit kicked out of him in gym class.

It's a tough balance; I don't envy you. Best of luck.

I know what the definition of cisgendered is. You used it INCORRECTLY. Or, probably more accurately, you drew a false conclusion by deciding that cisgendered identity had something to do with heterosexual orientation. Gender identity =/= sexual orientation.

Steven- Asking a question that infers knowledge of sexual orientation has NOTHING to do with gender identity.

My comment wasn't ad hominem; it was nearly an observation.

I know what the definition of cisgendered is. You used it INCORRECTLY. Or, probably more accurately, you drew a false conclusion by deciding that cisgendered identity had something to do with heterosexual orientation. Gender identity =/= sexual orientation.

Steven- Asking a question that infers knowledge of sexual orientation has NOTHING to do with gender identity.

My comment wasn't ad hominem; it was merely an observation.

If only all parents were a little more like you! It sounds like you're doing a fantastic job in raising a thoughtful, kind, confident little boy.

I just find it so sad that the world takes sensitive, caring, gentle baby boys and teaches them to be the exact opposite.
So many boys quickly learn that their nature is not acceptable in our society, and they must hide it or completely deny it in order to be validated as "male."

Sigh.

Mamis62 makes a really good point, and I think it strikes to the core of the idea of raising a "feminist child". We can stress the values we have as individuals, but at some point raising a child like he's an experiment in making the perfect feminist is flat-out wrong. Most importantly of all, because the experiment will never, ever be unbiased. Parents do influence their kids, and exerting a ton of influence when a child should be finding out who he or she is can be a really bad thing. The initial post mentions bringing in diverse friends for your son to see, but the truth is not one of us grows up in a truly diverse group. Maybe your friends are of different ethnic groups or sexualities, but do they have different education levels or economic levels? Privilege and intersectionality is a tricky thing, and part of economic privilege is the idea that we can represent diversity just using skin color or sexuality.

From personal experience my mother had a lot of similar ideas to yours Annabel. She tried her darndest to keep my brother and I away from violence, attempting to make us those little empaths. However, the difference was that I did have a younger brother and a father who favored a much lighter approach to teaching a five year old. So yes, my brother and I beat the hell out of each other, I loved Die Hard as a kid and I still love it, and I'm not a violent person. My mother and father both inculcated good values in me, but there's a fine line between teaching and indoctrinating, and when you cross the line you may not even notice it, but you can end up doing even more harm than good.

So my advice? Take it easy. Don't try to plan to make your child a feminist. Plan to make your child a decent human being. The bigger concepts will come eventually when he's capable of grasping them, but until then you just have to let him grow into himself. Push too hard and you'll either cause resentment or end up with someone who's less of an individual or less happy.

And telling a child to toughen up, be it a boy or a girl, is important. It's a tough world. And your son, like it or not, will grow up in a world that has certain expectations for him. Mamis62 is right that ignoring those expectations can make a child less happy in the long run.

I don't have any children, so I certainly can't give much in the way of parenting advice. I still think of myself as the child in the parenting equation. (I think it sounds like you're doing a great job, by the way.) My parents mostly taught us by example. They did housework together and assigned the same chores to me and my siblings, regardless of gender. We had a lot of 'learning' toys like building sets, craft supplies and chemistry sets that were relatively gender neutral, and we all got both piano lessons and soccer practice.

Basically, they didn't try to steer us at all. When my sister wanted dinosaur toys, she got them; my brother had a doll that he loved and told everyone was his son. They didn't tell anyone who asked us about girlfriends and boyfriends that their children might equally be gay, but they made sure we knew that different kinds of relationships existed and that love comes in many different forms, all of which were a-okay with them. (I was going to cite this week's Savage Love, but Rzep beat me to it.)

I like what AnnaArcturus said about teaching survival skills, cooking and laundry and sewing and the like, but make sure he can also change a flat and install shelving properly.

I think the things I'm most grateful to my parents for are the encouragement to do whatever I wanted to do, no matter what any one thought, and the preparation to face those things that everyone else thought, because even if no one's opinion matters but my own, being a kid who doesn't fit in is no easy task.

"We can stress the values we have as individuals, but at some point raising a child like he's an experiment in making the perfect feminist is flat-out wrong."

Why is raising a child to be a feminist a bad thing?

Annabel said she was teaching her son to behave in a non-violent manner. I'd say that's a good thing.

She's also teaching him that it's okay to express his feelings instead of repressing them and letting the wound gush at any point in time. I'd also say that's a good thing.

"Most importantly of all, because the experiment will never, ever be unbiased. Parents do influence their kids, and exerting a ton of influence when a child should be finding out who he or she is can be a really bad thing."

Biased?!?!? Really?

I have two boys, ages 15 and 10, and I'm a feminist...have I raised them to be feminist? Not specifically--I've raised them to think critically and question authority intelligently, to listen to what other people specifically say and what society in general says and then examine that in conjunction with their own feelings and desires. When the issue of sexual equality has come up, I've discussed it with them without trying to push any dogma one way or the other. For instance, in terms of religion, they both experimented with Christianity in childhood; the fifteen-year-old is at this point decidedly agnostic and the ten-year-old is leaning strongly in that direction--he and I actually had a discussion about death the other night (kids tend to go through a phase where they suddenly realize it could happen to anybody at any time and stress frantically about the family kicking the bucket). While comforting him I told him that religion, for many people, is a way of dealing with this distress and if the thought of an afterlife comforted him, he should think about possibly pursuing it. He looked at me very seriously (through eyes filled with tears he refused to let fall) and said, "No, I don't think so. There just isn't enough evidence for it and I can't believe in something just because it would make me feel better if it was true."

So in regards to feminism, how have mine turned out thus far? They have absolutely no doubts that women are as smart and hardworking and capable as men. They think women are slower and weaker on average (can't really argue with that, can I?). They think it's ridiculous that anybody would ever make laws forbidding women to do anything based on gender--they really can't understand why anyone would want to or what their purpose could be. (We're currently discussing power structures and the hierarchical nature of human beings, so maybe that'll help them out with that.) As far as sensitivity goes, they show it without self-consciousness to me, but they have their "public face" that is rather different, and I know they're not as open with their father as they are with me either (though I don't know if that's because of his maleness or simply because he's not as open a person as I am regardless of gender). Probably the only area where I could say I haven't succeeded in bringing them to a sense of the rightness of feminism by simply letting them work it out for themselves is male homosexuality. They don't think that anyone who is should be harrassed or discriminated against in any way, but there can be no denying they think it's "gross." sigh...still working on that one...

My sons are now 22 and 19. When bringing them up I endeavoured to instil in them many of the values you are working on with your 5 year old. While so young, it is easier to mould and control the environment in which your son exists, but as he grows older, he will be subjected to more and more influences from outside your family and the liberal minded community in which you choose to live and work.

This is the real dilemna. There is a big world out there full of conflicting ideas and values on a multitude of issues, and not just those which can be classed as "feminist". These influences become the strongest during adolescence when the child begins to grow into an adult, and tries to make sense of the world s/he finds her/himself in. Often these influences will be in direct conflict with the values instilled by you as a parent when the child was younger. Added to this is the influence of peer pressure, and the very strong need in many adolescents to feel a sense of belonging.

So what to do? The most important thing to do is to keep the lines of communication open NO MATTER WHAT. As well as continuing to instil in your son the values you hold, (by living them and not just "talking" them), it is important to make him aware that many people do not share the same values. Cocooning him would be a big mistake, as it is not allowing him to learn about the world as it really is, warts and all. When he is old enough, you can discuss why this is so. Also, provide him with strategies to deal with feeling different, build his self-esteem, encourage him to be self-accepting and not live his life on another's terms merely to gain their acceptance, etc.

All of this is wonderful in theory, but there are no guarantees. Nor can we as parents be in control of our children's thoughts, ideas and values. I would question whether we even have the right. They will form their own picture of the world, and all you can do is hope that they will still hold onto the values you instilled in them back at the tender age of 5. Be ready, because some of them they will reject outright, and others they may come back to with more life experience.

I found this the really hard part. As my sons went through late adolescence and into early adulthood, I had to let go and stand back. While both would often ask for my opinion or advice on issues or choices to be made, it was clear that the ultimate decision was theirs. You have to learn to trust in them, even if what they choose to do is different to what you would want for them. It is your son's life, not yours.

So how would I view bringing up a boy now having done it with two? Most importantly, relax more, stop trying to be the "perfect parent" and worrying so much. You will enjoy the journey more. While providing boundaries, stability and a value base in which to operate, don't treat your son as a person to be moulded into your own ideas of what a boy (and later man) should be. He will become his own person regardless. Allow him to experience the world as it really is so that he can see for himself that it's tough out there for everyone. While it is a parent's instinct to protect their child from the aspects of life we regard as negative, they are going to find out about them eventually. It is better that this happens with you as a support, rather than despite you. Realize that he may not take on all of your feminist values, but respect him all the same. He won't necessarily take on your values in other spheres either. I agree with davenj that the aim should be for your son to be a decent human being rather than concentrating so much on the feminist aspect.

What's wrong with thinking it's gross if they don't think it's a sound basis for discrimination? It is a person's prerogative to think something is gross. I can think of several sexual activities that I think are "gross" that I am perfectly ok with other people enjoying as their inclinations dictate.

What an interesting and real-world oriented post.

I'd say the there is a general answer. To raise a feminist son is to raise a son with good values. Psychologists say the best way to do that is to raise your children in a loving environment. If you do that, he will have a strong sense of compassion for others. And on top of this, you set a good example. Just think about those less fortunate than yourself and live the values you want your son to live by.

So I think the short answer is just be a good mother. And if he loves and respects his mother, that'll carry over to all women.

So I think like most mothers, you're worrying a little too much. A mother can destroy herself with stress. I already think you'll do a great job and you should just relax a little.

I think the best way to raise a feminist is to nuture empathy and courage.

Lilly, raising a child with the correct values is one thing, but how can you possibly raise a five year old as a feminist? Teaching a child that all people are equals is one thing, but the lengths that Annabel has gone to to create a "diverse environment" and to rule out any statements on her son's sexuality before he even really has a sexuality are not going to contribute to values at that young an age. If they do, which seems unlikely, since these concepts are far beyond a five year old, they may even do harm as opposed to good.

The point is that feminism is a very complex thing, and at five years old no child can truly understand feminism. If you attempt to raise your child in a strict belief system and mold that child into the belief system, whether or not they want to be a part of it, you may end up doing harm. Why? Because too much of any one ideology at home can't really end well. The original post seems like a grand project to mold a child into some perfect person, when in reality we're not perfect people, especially at five.

Demonstrating values and enforcing an ideology are two wholly different things.

Raising a kid to behave in a non-violent manner is fine. Raising a child who is not allowed to watch anything that has any IMPLIED violence is creating a taboo and an allure around violence. She says she only now lets him use "violent" toys (which for someone opposed to implied violence up until this point is an ambiguous definition). How is that not setting boundaries for a child? Play violence and pretend violence are wholly different things, and I think both boys and girls are entitled to their share of play violence as kids. I saw a terrific YouTube video of a girl who was maybe six, and her dad had taught her boxing punches using hand targets. This girl was having a ball, was ridiculously talented for her age, and was enjoying a moment of bonding with her dad. My brother and I wrestled as kids. Play violence is very different from real violence, but removing all violence is arguably more damaging than demarcating early on what's acceptable as playing versus real life.

And as for expressing his feelings, yes, he should learn to express his feelings, but at some point letting the "wound bleed at any time" as you put it is incredibly problematic, especially for a boy, in society. You may think it's great from an educated hypothetical perspective, but if the behavior ends up ostracizing him I doubt he'll care about the sociological impact of a child not buying into societal constraints.

A child is not some experiment, some contest in who can raise the most socially aware, perfect, tolerant, awesome kid. We're all going to be flawed, and creating the goal of perfection this early, a degree of perfection that not one of us has, is just too much pressure on mother and child.

Take it from someone who saw the bar high and the bar low. When I was young I had no concept of what my mother was trying to do when she tried to make my brother and I non-violent. I just wanted to be a kid. And I turned out fine.

At some point you just have to let your child explore, be a kid, and learn along the way. Let him make mistakes and get through things, and just nurture the values of caring for others and courage along the way. It's hard to see the long-term with a child, but sometimes to biggest brats end up fine, and the greatest little kids grow up to be complete tools. Take it one day at a time and guide the kid with a light touch, not lofty goals.

As for bias, yes, every parent has their biases, as every person does. Plenty of parents, even feminist parents, can push their kids one way or another with their biases.

Thank you for posting that article about "war play". Since any children my husband and I have will be surrounded by comic books, D&D, and other fiction in which battle features prominently, it's good to read something more nuanced than "no fighting ever!"

Steven: accepted usage for "cisgendered" is "born one sex, still identifies as that sex", as opposed to transsexual or transgendered. It indicates nothing about sexual orientation. If you meant to say "heterosexual", you should simply have said that.

Regarding the engendered toy issue, this was floating around Jezebel today:

http://jezebel.com/5040150/boys-will-be-boys-liking-trucks-is-a-learned-behavior

And sounds like you're raising a wonderful feminist. Any partner he may have in the future will be very lucky!

This post has me thinking and remembering. I remember being on a fishing trip with my ex and her family and friends. Her little brother and a friend of his (both about 5) were in the back of a mini-van and friend said to little brother “I love you [little brother]. Friends dad told him not to say ‘love’ say “you’re my Buddy’. My mind was rocked. I had never seen male conditioning so poignantly. I thought that it was wrong for Friends dad to correct him so, but at the same time the correction was going to help him fit in his latter years, and I let it pass.

As for thinking. The same ex became my fiancée, and then my ex after she cheated on me whilst I was in Iraq. I would not say that my mother raised me to be a feminist, but the end result was I ended up having a elevated opinion of women. If you had ever seen the un-edited version of The 40 year Old Virgin you would agree that I put the pussy up on a pedestal. I would endeavor to teach your son that women are people. Just like men they have faults, and your average young love is fraught with disappointment. I may be embittered, but so much I hear about feminism is anti male and pro female. Ensure that your son knows that we’re all mere mortals. This probably seems melancholy, but I really had a sense that women are the fairer sex…. They’re not. There just people like all the rest.

Shiftercat, my father read my brother and I Beowulf and the Iliad when we were very young. A lot of people I tell that too seem horrified, but the truth was that he helped instill a love of literature at a really young age for us, and it was really simple: give kids what they're interested in, not what people call "appropriate". Plenty of kids grow up watching appropriate TV and committing assault, and plenty of people grow up enjoying artistic works that involve violence and being completely well-adjusted.

I think the fact that I was able to read comics and books I was interested in at a very young age, with little to no boundaries, is what made me the voracious and skilled reader I am today. By allowing me to dictate what I liked my mother and father helped me enjoy reading in general.

Tastes expand over time, but if you limit what a kid can read/watch you just create a taboo, which is something that should be avoided. Just let kids enjoy what they enjoy and teach them what acceptable behavior is outside of the house.

I owe my academic success to the fact that I was reading Edith Hamilton and Batman when I was five, and I'm going to graduate college sans debt because of that success. I owe a lot of money to Marvel and DC for the amount of reading progress I made at a very young age.

Getting rid of implied violence in art doesn't make a child non-violent, teaching them the difference between fiction and reality is what makes a child non-violent. Boxing them in in this regard will only make them want to consume violent media even more, and will further blur the lines between fiction and reality because of the taboo.

Alice, the problem is that they use "gay" as in insult. It's pretty endemic in their generation among males to do this so it's a bit of an uphill battle if the thing you want to do is maneuver it so that they see for themselves that it's wrong, rather than just making a flat-out pronouncement that it is. Since they think male homosexuality is so gross, it's difficult to get them to self-realize that using "gay" as an insult is wrong. But as I said, I'm workin' on it.

Annabel644: From what I can tell, you're doing a fantastic job in parenting your child. I can't name any other mother who is as proactive as you are concerning their child's outlook of the world. Unlike some other commenters, I doubt telling your son he should feel free to express his emotions is harming him in any way. He's FIVE! Five year olds should be able to cry if they feel they have to cry. Honestly, anyone should feel they can cry when they must. It's not a weakness. I highly doubt it will affect his ability to find a partner in life or to fit into society at large later.

I type this as a mother of a 2 year old. I'm not where you are in raising my daughter, but I'm already stumped when it comes to several parenting choices. We also don't give our daughter "violent" toys (guns, swords, etc) because she's too young to understand the consequences of violence. I doubt this creates a "taboo" since we don't expose her to them in the first place.

We have all been children, but until you've been a parent you can't understand what it is to raise a child. This is exactly why I don't post about/talk about mothering in feminist circles. There are too many people out there who think it's their responsibility to council on parenting styles let alone those in feminist groups where everyone is so much more firm in their views.

In short, your son is lucky to have you.

Davenj, it's very rude of you to keep insisting that raising a child in a feminist manner is an "experiment." What does that even mean? She is raising him to be an empathetic, caring young man who's not anxiously masculine. How is that any more experimental than raising a boy in a stereotypically gendered manner? She is simply using her feminism as a guide in her parenting; she's not being a drill sergeant about it.