My partner and I don't have children and have plans to not have children so I would probably be the last person you would want to ask for advise on raising kids. That said, it sounds to me like you are doing a WONDERFUL job.

It's a fine line, letting children express themselves but being aware of how cruel other children can be to anyone who is different. I think the painting of his room, allowing for him to still have the pink that he chose while making it a room that the other children would not tease him over was a great idea. While it is horrible that we as a society feel we have to hide who we are and that something as simple as pink paint would make a boy the subject or ridicule, we still have to consider that and weigh the choice of individuality against the emotional abuse from our peers. I think your compromise was a great way to go. It shows insight to the world at large while allowing your son to express himself.

Sadly, I know more about how NOT to raise a feminist son. My partner and I are rather upset with his father, who remarried about a year ago and now has a five-year-old stepson. At a birthday party for my brother-in-law, some of the family was laughing about how my father-in-law was teaching the little kid to flirt with waitresses and how he gave one of them his phone number! I was appalled. It's not 'cute' when babies curse, or smoke, or flirt. They are not little adults and it's funny to hear such words out of a little mouth. All teaching your child to do these things is hurt him or her later in life.

I was saddened when I learned what my father-in-law was teaching his stepson. My partner and his brother are both wonderful men and their mother would have never allowed one of her sons to act in such a way. I know if she were still alive, she would be furious that her husband not only allows this kind of behavior from his stepson but ENCOURGAGES it! (Of course, had she not passed away, there wouldn't be a stepson, but I guess that's beside the point for now.)

Anyway, before I ramble even further off topic, I will just say again, I think you are doing a wonderful job raising your son to be feminist. Children are remarkable little sponges at times and he will surely soak up much of your feminist habits and traits that you are not even aware you are teaching him. I wish that more parents were more responsible and considered the things they are teaching their children a little harder like you and your partner seem to be.

My oldest is not quite five yet. We've tried to affirm our kids in whatever they are drawn to without regard to gender stereotypes. I take the same approach to them potentially getting mocked that I do with a lot of low-grade physical danger: they're tough, and the world is full of sharp corners and hard knocks. Just like I don't try to protect them from boo-boos, I expect they will get made fun of, and I think the best defense is to raise them to be confident and defend their choices. I think "that's a stupid rule" is a good response to "X is for girls." It helps that we're in a pretty progressive area.

About sexual orientation, I have not yet heard someone ask if my son has a girlfriend, and I would react nastily.

... and it's funny to hear such words out of a little mouth.

That should read "...and it's *not* funny to hear..."

I promise one day I'll learn to proofread. *smile*

"About sexual orientation, I have not yet heard someone ask if my son has a girlfriend, and I would react nastily."

Is it really that bad to assume your child will end up like some 90% of the male population... cis-gendered?

It is a tough issue, but it sounds like you're doing a good job. It always amazes me how my friends who don't have kids think that the only influence on the kid is the parents. This comes out in this type of argument: "well our friends didn't let their daughter play with Barbies and she doesn't want to play with anything else right now." As if there were no other forces influencing her desires and her view of what it is to be a girl. This is generally taken to be proof of some essentialist position.

But the other thing that really gets me is how differently girls and boys are treated at my stepdaughter's preschool. When the boys behave in a physically aggressive way the teachers just dismiss it as "boys being boys" but when she retaliates against the class bully, who is forever tripping people, pulling hair, snatching away toys, knocking over towers, etc, we get a call saying she's hitting her classmates (or choking in the latest incident!). When we ask them what the situation is they reluctantly inform us that it was the same kid again, and he had provoked her all morning before she finally hit him. I don't understand why he's allowed to provoke her all morning but we immediately get a call the first time she resorts to violence. We don't want her to use violence to solve her problems, but we also think the mixed message she gets when he gets away with it is bullshit. So we're thinking of telling them that if they can't make an effort to control the behavior of the bully then we're going to allow her to physically defend herself without penalty. It sucks that most of the parents of boys in her class have the same attitude as the teachers, and actually encourage their boys to be physically aggressive. Such bullshit.

It is a tough issue, but it sounds like you're doing a good job. It always amazes me how my friends who don't have kids think that the only influence on the kid is the parents. This comes out in this type of argument: "well our friends didn't let their daughter play with Barbies and she doesn't want to play with anything else right now." As if there were no other forces influencing her desires and her view of what it is to be a girl. This is generally taken to be proof of some essentialist position.

But the other thing that really gets me is how differently girls and boys are treated at my stepdaughter's preschool. When the boys behave in a physically aggressive way the teachers just dismiss it as "boys being boys" but when she retaliates against the class bully, who is forever tripping people, pulling hair, snatching away toys, knocking over towers, etc, we get a call saying she's hitting her classmates (or choking in the latest incident!). When we ask them what the situation is they reluctantly inform us that it was the same kid again, and he had provoked her all morning before she finally hit him. I don't understand why he's allowed to provoke her all morning but we immediately get a call the first time she resorts to violence. We don't want her to use violence to solve her problems, but we also think the mixed message she gets when he gets away with it is bullshit. So we're thinking of telling them that if they can't make an effort to control the behavior of the bully then we're going to allow her to physically defend herself without penalty. It sucks that most of the parents of boys in her class have the same attitude as the teachers, and actually encourage their boys to be physically aggressive. Such bullshit.

In regards to the linked article on violent play, I am profoundly amused by the fact that a common response to adults getting upset by it is for the child to question the adults' grasp on reality. I guess the concern of the adults in this situation is what they call "projecting."

I've been musing about this one myself lately, as we decide whether or when to have another child. It seems to me that you're already doing a terrific job, especially with "stacking the deck" of your child's social life with people who have varied and healthy attitudes. Additionally, I think you could make a special effort to teach your son survival and life skills that are often overlooked for boys, such as cooking, cleaning, homemaking, laundry, and basic sewing. Maybe make a conscious effort to instill the same manners you would in a daughter. Refer to women as "persons" often, and encourage him to empathize with what they're feeling.

I am not a parent, nor was I raised by feminist parents, but I would like to recommend a book called "Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons From The Myths of Boyhood" by William Pollack. It is a great analysis of the cultural factors that encourage boys to act in unhealthy ways and provides suggestions for how to raise a boy in a way that lets him be empathic and vulnerable yet prepare him for 'the real world'. If I ever have a son, I will refer to this book often.

BTW, here is a link to info about the book:

http://www.williampollack.com/real_boys_book.html

Annabel, it sounds like you're doing a wonderful job already. I'm no good with kids, but I just wanted to laud your efforts.

And, as usual, Steven has an asinine and incoherent response...

""About sexual orientation, I have not yet heard someone ask if my son has a girlfriend, and I would react nastily."

Is it really that bad to assume your child will end up like some 90% of the male population... cis-gendered?"

Steven, I think you need to bust out a dictionary. Being cisgendered is not an indication of sexual orientation, so your response makes no sense.

In response to what I figure you were trying unsuccessfully to say: YES. First of all, why would anyone even think a five year old would have a romantic relationship? I'm sure they think it's oh-so-cute but I couldn't disagree more. Second of all, the fact that almost every person is pushed toward being heterosexual [we call this heterosexism] as if there is no other viable choice is damaging to people who are NOT heterosexual. It gets old after awhile having everyone assume that you are going to be a certain way, as if being that way is somehow not normal. Trying not to expose your kids to that sort of potential damage is a good thing. If more people didn't assume that their children would be heterosexual and let them know that it would be okay if they were not, there would be a lot less pressure on gay teenagers and adults alike who are afraid to come out because they've been taught that they're "supposed" to be heterosexual, or that their parents will be unkind to them if they are not.

Llama...

cis gendered form Wikipedia:
The word has its origin in the Latin-derived prefix cis, meaning "on the same side" as in the cis-trans distinction in chemistry. In this case, "cis" refers to the unity of a gender identity with a biological gender assignment.

Alot of academic words have many nuanced definitions, thats the one I used.

"And, as usual, Steven has an asinine and incoherent response..."

Not once, not freaking once, have I devolved to ad hominem responses.

Think about it.

Just becuase I ask a question does not make me asinine, and just becuase you don't understand that various nuanced definitions exist does not make me inchoherant

"generally more attuned to what is going on with people's emotions around him."

This is a wonderful quality for any person to have. Intuitive people are easy to talk to and he'll gain many friends this way.

Dan Savage has a pretty topical column this week:
http://thestranger.com/savage

"Contemplating—to say nothing of forcing others to contemplate—our children's future sex partners and interests is unnecessary. We parents shouldn't be in denial about children's sexuality, of course, and we should make sure our children receive excellent sex education. But beyond that, we should demonstrate a quiet reserve, a respect for our children's privacy, and refuse to indulge in gratuitous speculation. We can also demonstrate acceptance by being accepting, and let our kids know that it's okay with us if they're gay or bisexual—or straight—through our actions and, at carefully chosen moments, through our words.

Otherwise, ALIY, our primary responsibility as parents is to STFU, as the kids say, launder those crusty come socks without comment, and let them be who and what they are."

While, as usual, he can be a bit blunt and abrasive but I think his point is valid that we don't really need to be quite THAT involved in our kids sexuality. Especially when the kid is only 5!

I think a good response to "aww do you have a girlfriend yet" would be for your son to say "I'm only 5..." or you to mention that it's really none of their business.

I'm a 39 year old single straight male. I was (and still am) very much like your son: sensitive and empathic. I don't have kids so you can take this with a grain of salt.

But in my experience, being sensitive AND an iconoclast is a recipe for an unhappy life. For example, if your son wants to go to school wearing pink, he's got to either (a) be insensitive enough that the taunts don't bug him, or (b) change into blue.

I am not a happy adult. My parents, as much as I love them, should have toughened me up, and they should have explained that societies have expectations of people, and if you fail to live up to those expectations you will be ostracized and you will be mocked (by both men and women). Unfair? Sure. So what?

I realize that's probably not what you wanted to hear. But as a parent, you have to balance between telling your kid How It Ought To Be versus telling him How It Is. For example, when someone says "real beauty is on the inside", that's how it should be, but the fact is that if your son is 5' 2" in high school and wear glasses, all the "inner beauty" in the world won't stop him from getting the shit kicked out of him in gym class.

It's a tough balance; I don't envy you. Best of luck.

I know what the definition of cisgendered is. You used it INCORRECTLY. Or, probably more accurately, you drew a false conclusion by deciding that cisgendered identity had something to do with heterosexual orientation. Gender identity =/= sexual orientation.

Steven- Asking a question that infers knowledge of sexual orientation has NOTHING to do with gender identity.

My comment wasn't ad hominem; it was nearly an observation.

I know what the definition of cisgendered is. You used it INCORRECTLY. Or, probably more accurately, you drew a false conclusion by deciding that cisgendered identity had something to do with heterosexual orientation. Gender identity =/= sexual orientation.

Steven- Asking a question that infers knowledge of sexual orientation has NOTHING to do with gender identity.

My comment wasn't ad hominem; it was merely an observation.

If only all parents were a little more like you! It sounds like you're doing a fantastic job in raising a thoughtful, kind, confident little boy.

I just find it so sad that the world takes sensitive, caring, gentle baby boys and teaches them to be the exact opposite.
So many boys quickly learn that their nature is not acceptable in our society, and they must hide it or completely deny it in order to be validated as "male."

Sigh.

Mamis62 makes a really good point, and I think it strikes to the core of the idea of raising a "feminist child". We can stress the values we have as individuals, but at some point raising a child like he's an experiment in making the perfect feminist is flat-out wrong. Most importantly of all, because the experiment will never, ever be unbiased. Parents do influence their kids, and exerting a ton of influence when a child should be finding out who he or she is can be a really bad thing. The initial post mentions bringing in diverse friends for your son to see, but the truth is not one of us grows up in a truly diverse group. Maybe your friends are of different ethnic groups or sexualities, but do they have different education levels or economic levels? Privilege and intersectionality is a tricky thing, and part of economic privilege is the idea that we can represent diversity just using skin color or sexuality.

From personal experience my mother had a lot of similar ideas to yours Annabel. She tried her darndest to keep my brother and I away from violence, attempting to make us those little empaths. However, the difference was that I did have a younger brother and a father who favored a much lighter approach to teaching a five year old. So yes, my brother and I beat the hell out of each other, I loved Die Hard as a kid and I still love it, and I'm not a violent person. My mother and father both inculcated good values in me, but there's a fine line between teaching and indoctrinating, and when you cross the line you may not even notice it, but you can end up doing even more harm than good.

So my advice? Take it easy. Don't try to plan to make your child a feminist. Plan to make your child a decent human being. The bigger concepts will come eventually when he's capable of grasping them, but until then you just have to let him grow into himself. Push too hard and you'll either cause resentment or end up with someone who's less of an individual or less happy.

And telling a child to toughen up, be it a boy or a girl, is important. It's a tough world. And your son, like it or not, will grow up in a world that has certain expectations for him. Mamis62 is right that ignoring those expectations can make a child less happy in the long run.

I don't have any children, so I certainly can't give much in the way of parenting advice. I still think of myself as the child in the parenting equation. (I think it sounds like you're doing a great job, by the way.) My parents mostly taught us by example. They did housework together and assigned the same chores to me and my siblings, regardless of gender. We had a lot of 'learning' toys like building sets, craft supplies and chemistry sets that were relatively gender neutral, and we all got both piano lessons and soccer practice.

Basically, they didn't try to steer us at all. When my sister wanted dinosaur toys, she got them; my brother had a doll that he loved and told everyone was his son. They didn't tell anyone who asked us about girlfriends and boyfriends that their children might equally be gay, but they made sure we knew that different kinds of relationships existed and that love comes in many different forms, all of which were a-okay with them. (I was going to cite this week's Savage Love, but Rzep beat me to it.)

I like what AnnaArcturus said about teaching survival skills, cooking and laundry and sewing and the like, but make sure he can also change a flat and install shelving properly.

I think the things I'm most grateful to my parents for are the encouragement to do whatever I wanted to do, no matter what any one thought, and the preparation to face those things that everyone else thought, because even if no one's opinion matters but my own, being a kid who doesn't fit in is no easy task.

"We can stress the values we have as individuals, but at some point raising a child like he's an experiment in making the perfect feminist is flat-out wrong."

Why is raising a child to be a feminist a bad thing?

Annabel said she was teaching her son to behave in a non-violent manner. I'd say that's a good thing.

She's also teaching him that it's okay to express his feelings instead of repressing them and letting the wound gush at any point in time. I'd also say that's a good thing.

"Most importantly of all, because the experiment will never, ever be unbiased. Parents do influence their kids, and exerting a ton of influence when a child should be finding out who he or she is can be a really bad thing."

Biased?!?!? Really?

I have two boys, ages 15 and 10, and I'm a feminist...have I raised them to be feminist? Not specifically--I've raised them to think critically and question authority intelligently, to listen to what other people specifically say and what society in general says and then examine that in conjunction with their own feelings and desires. When the issue of sexual equality has come up, I've discussed it with them without trying to push any dogma one way or the other. For instance, in terms of religion, they both experimented with Christianity in childhood; the fifteen-year-old is at this point decidedly agnostic and the ten-year-old is leaning strongly in that direction--he and I actually had a discussion about death the other night (kids tend to go through a phase where they suddenly realize it could happen to anybody at any time and stress frantically about the family kicking the bucket). While comforting him I told him that religion, for many people, is a way of dealing with this distress and if the thought of an afterlife comforted him, he should think about possibly pursuing it. He looked at me very seriously (through eyes filled with tears he refused to let fall) and said, "No, I don't think so. There just isn't enough evidence for it and I can't believe in something just because it would make me feel better if it was true."

So in regards to feminism, how have mine turned out thus far? They have absolutely no doubts that women are as smart and hardworking and capable as men. They think women are slower and weaker on average (can't really argue with that, can I?). They think it's ridiculous that anybody would ever make laws forbidding women to do anything based on gender--they really can't understand why anyone would want to or what their purpose could be. (We're currently discussing power structures and the hierarchical nature of human beings, so maybe that'll help them out with that.) As far as sensitivity goes, they show it without self-consciousness to me, but they have their "public face" that is rather different, and I know they're not as open with their father as they are with me either (though I don't know if that's because of his maleness or simply because he's not as open a person as I am regardless of gender). Probably the only area where I could say I haven't succeeded in bringing them to a sense of the rightness of feminism by simply letting them work it out for themselves is male homosexuality. They don't think that anyone who is should be harrassed or discriminated against in any way, but there can be no denying they think it's "gross." sigh...still working on that one...

My sons are now 22 and 19. When bringing them up I endeavoured to instil in them many of the values you are working on with your 5 year old. While so young, it is easier to mould and control the environment in which your son exists, but as he grows older, he will be subjected to more and more influences from outside your family and the liberal minded community in which you choose to live and work.

This is the real dilemna. There is a big world out there full of conflicting ideas and values on a multitude of issues, and not just those which can be classed as "feminist". These influences become the strongest during adolescence when the child begins to grow into an adult, and tries to make sense of the world s/he finds her/himself in. Often these influences will be in direct conflict with the values instilled by you as a parent when the child was younger. Added to this is the influence of peer pressure, and the very strong need in many adolescents to feel a sense of belonging.

So what to do? The most important thing to do is to keep the lines of communication open NO MATTER WHAT. As well as continuing to instil in your son the values you hold, (by living them and not just "talking" them), it is important to make him aware that many people do not share the same values. Cocooning him would be a big mistake, as it is not allowing him to learn about the world as it really is, warts and all. When he is old enough, you can discuss why this is so. Also, provide him with strategies to deal with feeling different, build his self-esteem, encourage him to be self-accepting and not live his life on another's terms merely to gain their acceptance, etc.

All of this is wonderful in theory, but there are no guarantees. Nor can we as parents be in control of our children's thoughts, ideas and values. I would question whether we even have the right. They will form their own picture of the world, and all you can do is hope that they will still hold onto the values you instilled in them back at the tender age of 5. Be ready, because some of them they will reject outright, and others they may come back to with more life experience.

I found this the really hard part. As my sons went through late adolescence and into early adulthood, I had to let go and stand back. While both would often ask for my opinion or advice on issues or choices to be made, it was clear that the ultimate decision was theirs. You have to learn to trust in them, even if what they choose to do is different to what you would want for them. It is your son's life, not yours.

So how would I view bringing up a boy now having done it with two? Most importantly, relax more, stop trying to be the "perfect parent" and worrying so much. You will enjoy the journey more. While providing boundaries, stability and a value base in which to operate, don't treat your son as a person to be moulded into your own ideas of what a boy (and later man) should be. He will become his own person regardless. Allow him to experience the world as it really is so that he can see for himself that it's tough out there for everyone. While it is a parent's instinct to protect their child from the aspects of life we regard as negative, they are going to find out about them eventually. It is better that this happens with you as a support, rather than despite you. Realize that he may not take on all of your feminist values, but respect him all the same. He won't necessarily take on your values in other spheres either. I agree with davenj that the aim should be for your son to be a decent human being rather than concentrating so much on the feminist aspect.

What's wrong with thinking it's gross if they don't think it's a sound basis for discrimination? It is a person's prerogative to think something is gross. I can think of several sexual activities that I think are "gross" that I am perfectly ok with other people enjoying as their inclinations dictate.

What an interesting and real-world oriented post.

I'd say the there is a general answer. To raise a feminist son is to raise a son with good values. Psychologists say the best way to do that is to raise your children in a loving environment. If you do that, he will have a strong sense of compassion for others. And on top of this, you set a good example. Just think about those less fortunate than yourself and live the values you want your son to live by.

So I think the short answer is just be a good mother. And if he loves and respects his mother, that'll carry over to all women.

So I think like most mothers, you're worrying a little too much. A mother can destroy herself with stress. I already think you'll do a great job and you should just relax a little.

I think the best way to raise a feminist is to nuture empathy and courage.

Lilly, raising a child with the correct values is one thing, but how can you possibly raise a five year old as a feminist? Teaching a child that all people are equals is one thing, but the lengths that Annabel has gone to to create a "diverse environment" and to rule out any statements on her son's sexuality before he even really has a sexuality are not going to contribute to values at that young an age. If they do, which seems unlikely, since these concepts are far beyond a five year old, they may even do harm as opposed to good.

The point is that feminism is a very complex thing, and at five years old no child can truly understand feminism. If you attempt to raise your child in a strict belief system and mold that child into the belief system, whether or not they want to be a part of it, you may end up doing harm. Why? Because too much of any one ideology at home can't really end well. The original post seems like a grand project to mold a child into some perfect person, when in reality we're not perfect people, especially at five.

Demonstrating values and enforcing an ideology are two wholly different things.

Raising a kid to behave in a non-violent manner is fine. Raising a child who is not allowed to watch anything that has any IMPLIED violence is creating a taboo and an allure around violence. She says she only now lets him use "violent" toys (which for someone opposed to implied violence up until this point is an ambiguous definition). How is that not setting boundaries for a child? Play violence and pretend violence are wholly different things, and I think both boys and girls are entitled to their share of play violence as kids. I saw a terrific YouTube video of a girl who was maybe six, and her dad had taught her boxing punches using hand targets. This girl was having a ball, was ridiculously talented for her age, and was enjoying a moment of bonding with her dad. My brother and I wrestled as kids. Play violence is very different from real violence, but removing all violence is arguably more damaging than demarcating early on what's acceptable as playing versus real life.

And as for expressing his feelings, yes, he should learn to express his feelings, but at some point letting the "wound bleed at any time" as you put it is incredibly problematic, especially for a boy, in society. You may think it's great from an educated hypothetical perspective, but if the behavior ends up ostracizing him I doubt he'll care about the sociological impact of a child not buying into societal constraints.

A child is not some experiment, some contest in who can raise the most socially aware, perfect, tolerant, awesome kid. We're all going to be flawed, and creating the goal of perfection this early, a degree of perfection that not one of us has, is just too much pressure on mother and child.

Take it from someone who saw the bar high and the bar low. When I was young I had no concept of what my mother was trying to do when she tried to make my brother and I non-violent. I just wanted to be a kid. And I turned out fine.

At some point you just have to let your child explore, be a kid, and learn along the way. Let him make mistakes and get through things, and just nurture the values of caring for others and courage along the way. It's hard to see the long-term with a child, but sometimes to biggest brats end up fine, and the greatest little kids grow up to be complete tools. Take it one day at a time and guide the kid with a light touch, not lofty goals.

As for bias, yes, every parent has their biases, as every person does. Plenty of parents, even feminist parents, can push their kids one way or another with their biases.

Thank you for posting that article about "war play". Since any children my husband and I have will be surrounded by comic books, D&D, and other fiction in which battle features prominently, it's good to read something more nuanced than "no fighting ever!"

Steven: accepted usage for "cisgendered" is "born one sex, still identifies as that sex", as opposed to transsexual or transgendered. It indicates nothing about sexual orientation. If you meant to say "heterosexual", you should simply have said that.

Regarding the engendered toy issue, this was floating around Jezebel today:

http://jezebel.com/5040150/boys-will-be-boys-liking-trucks-is-a-learned-behavior

And sounds like you're raising a wonderful feminist. Any partner he may have in the future will be very lucky!

This post has me thinking and remembering. I remember being on a fishing trip with my ex and her family and friends. Her little brother and a friend of his (both about 5) were in the back of a mini-van and friend said to little brother “I love you [little brother]. Friends dad told him not to say ‘love’ say “you’re my Buddy’. My mind was rocked. I had never seen male conditioning so poignantly. I thought that it was wrong for Friends dad to correct him so, but at the same time the correction was going to help him fit in his latter years, and I let it pass.

As for thinking. The same ex became my fiancée, and then my ex after she cheated on me whilst I was in Iraq. I would not say that my mother raised me to be a feminist, but the end result was I ended up having a elevated opinion of women. If you had ever seen the un-edited version of The 40 year Old Virgin you would agree that I put the pussy up on a pedestal. I would endeavor to teach your son that women are people. Just like men they have faults, and your average young love is fraught with disappointment. I may be embittered, but so much I hear about feminism is anti male and pro female. Ensure that your son knows that we’re all mere mortals. This probably seems melancholy, but I really had a sense that women are the fairer sex…. They’re not. There just people like all the rest.

Shiftercat, my father read my brother and I Beowulf and the Iliad when we were very young. A lot of people I tell that too seem horrified, but the truth was that he helped instill a love of literature at a really young age for us, and it was really simple: give kids what they're interested in, not what people call "appropriate". Plenty of kids grow up watching appropriate TV and committing assault, and plenty of people grow up enjoying artistic works that involve violence and being completely well-adjusted.

I think the fact that I was able to read comics and books I was interested in at a very young age, with little to no boundaries, is what made me the voracious and skilled reader I am today. By allowing me to dictate what I liked my mother and father helped me enjoy reading in general.

Tastes expand over time, but if you limit what a kid can read/watch you just create a taboo, which is something that should be avoided. Just let kids enjoy what they enjoy and teach them what acceptable behavior is outside of the house.

I owe my academic success to the fact that I was reading Edith Hamilton and Batman when I was five, and I'm going to graduate college sans debt because of that success. I owe a lot of money to Marvel and DC for the amount of reading progress I made at a very young age.

Getting rid of implied violence in art doesn't make a child non-violent, teaching them the difference between fiction and reality is what makes a child non-violent. Boxing them in in this regard will only make them want to consume violent media even more, and will further blur the lines between fiction and reality because of the taboo.

Alice, the problem is that they use "gay" as in insult. It's pretty endemic in their generation among males to do this so it's a bit of an uphill battle if the thing you want to do is maneuver it so that they see for themselves that it's wrong, rather than just making a flat-out pronouncement that it is. Since they think male homosexuality is so gross, it's difficult to get them to self-realize that using "gay" as an insult is wrong. But as I said, I'm workin' on it.

Annabel644: From what I can tell, you're doing a fantastic job in parenting your child. I can't name any other mother who is as proactive as you are concerning their child's outlook of the world. Unlike some other commenters, I doubt telling your son he should feel free to express his emotions is harming him in any way. He's FIVE! Five year olds should be able to cry if they feel they have to cry. Honestly, anyone should feel they can cry when they must. It's not a weakness. I highly doubt it will affect his ability to find a partner in life or to fit into society at large later.

I type this as a mother of a 2 year old. I'm not where you are in raising my daughter, but I'm already stumped when it comes to several parenting choices. We also don't give our daughter "violent" toys (guns, swords, etc) because she's too young to understand the consequences of violence. I doubt this creates a "taboo" since we don't expose her to them in the first place.

We have all been children, but until you've been a parent you can't understand what it is to raise a child. This is exactly why I don't post about/talk about mothering in feminist circles. There are too many people out there who think it's their responsibility to council on parenting styles let alone those in feminist groups where everyone is so much more firm in their views.

In short, your son is lucky to have you.

Davenj, it's very rude of you to keep insisting that raising a child in a feminist manner is an "experiment." What does that even mean? She is raising him to be an empathetic, caring young man who's not anxiously masculine. How is that any more experimental than raising a boy in a stereotypically gendered manner? She is simply using her feminism as a guide in her parenting; she's not being a drill sergeant about it.

What does your son witness in terms of how men treat you? Is your partner respectful of you, view housework and child care as a shared responsibility, express his desires/needs/eomtions appropriately?

I have a wonderfully sweet 5 y o son myself and I want to make sure he is a feminist too. I've read that children mostly identify with the same sex parent, and I have a feeling how my husband views women and the responsibilities in the home will impact him more than anything I do or don't do. I think the fact that my hubby has changed as many diapers as I have, doesn't call watching the kids "babysitting", feels free to express affection and "non-feminine" emotions etc... will help my son be more respectful of women in the long run. He already sees female doctors, lawyers etc... now he just needs to respect that what was once women's domain needs to be human domain.

Is it really that bad to assume your child will end up like some 90% of the male population... cis-gendered?

1. As others have pointed out, cisgendered (no hyphen needed) doesn't have anything to do with sexuality. It's a term related to trasngender so that we have ways to describe peoeple without using terms like "not trasngendered". The term you're looking for is "heterosexual".

2. It is if he's part of the 10% that's not.

Think of it this way- it doesn't help to assume, even if he is. It can actively harm to assume, if he's not.

When my brother was very little, everyone assumed that he, like most of the population, would be right handed. So much so, in fact, that when he started using his left hand to do things, many people "corrected him" and forced him to do things with his right hand. This went on for most of his childhood. As it turns out, he's left handed. But, since he was never allowed to develop or practice using his left hand to do things like, say, writing, he's been unable to do most things that require hand dexterity with any real skill.

Slightly different situation, obviously, but making assumptions about a person's sexuality can seriously limit how comfortable they feel about it if they happen to fall outside of the expectation.

As a guy, I sometimes try to think about which aspects of my childhood helped shape my current socio-political beliefs and my feminism. I think that one of the things that really helped me was the fact that women in my family have always been the heads of households. There was no confusion in my house that my mother ran the show. And in my extended family, my great grandmother was the matriarch of the whole family. She kept the family together. It's not that there weren't disagreements, but I think that women in my family were seen as leaders and as sources of authority and power made it clear to me at a young age that a person's sex didn't (or shouldn't) determine that person's worth.

And while I certainly played violent games and with toys like GI Joe, centered on war, etc, I also read a lot and was read to. And we didn't just read books about boys. I think it's important not to gender a child's books too much. Too many parents who came into the bookstore I used to work at would outright refuse to purchase books for their sons if the main character was a girl.

Overall, though, I'm with Sarah, it sounds like you're raising an empathetic, caring young man who's not anxiously masculine.

The children who came here through you, who are your responsibility, will learn from you, but, not only from you.
They will have many teachers in this lifetime.
From people employed to do so, to strangers on a bus. They will learn from easy experiences to challenging experiences.
They will have many, many teachers that you will not know of.
The best you can do is offer an example of how to respond to both the ease and the challenges.
May your son respond to life's lessons with grace.

Wow - I never expected this to get on the front page, how exciting!

I am loving all the comments - even the critical ones. I hope no one reads my musings and thinks I'm a neurotic mom, analyzing every step my son takes. (OK, I'm a little neurotic, but I own it!)

My goal, to answer Steven, with the topic of kids and orientation, is to make sure my son knows his choices are HIS. I don't assume that he will one day find a wonderful woman and get married and have children. I think placing these restrictions on children from a young age puts them in a position where they feel like they have to conform, and if they don't - then they spend a lot of time confused about who they are and why they have the desires they do. I want him to know that whoever he chooses to love is A-OK with me. It is astounding to me how many people sexualize kids at a young age. One mom at his preschool told me that her daughter came home and told her she was going to marry my son. Yikes!

As far as the non-violence goes, it is SUCH a hard line to set. Some things are forbidden at my house (I won't go into it because I'd prefer not to debate!) but other things are OK, as long as there is a discussion about how it's pretend and we talk about how we should really treat other people when we're not playing. I really feel like such a violent world socializes a child (especially male children) into seeking out power, and I do what I can to promote cooperation, not a power hierarchy in my household. As I type this, he is in his room with a flashlight taped to a baton that he has turned into an exploring sword. Trust me, I am realizing how powerless I am in the face of socialization. Even more, I have accepted that it is OK for him to act out some of these fantasies. It's just learning how to teach him where we draw that line.

When I talk about raising a feminist son, I mean how do I raise him to care about the world and interact in the world in a feminist manner? I really feel like my job right now as a feminist raising a boy is to teach him to see the world in terms of how we use our strengths to help other people, and to recognize our privilege and not abuse it. I have known far too many men who don't consider this, ever, and I am really hoping I can prevent it. Obviously, I don't think I'll be perfect, my son won't grow up perfect, and I'm sure he will form many of his own opinions. I just want to guide him into being an empathetic, caring person, and I know that other feminists can recognize this desire.

Any Girl, you are right. Sometimes parenting is a very difficult thing to talk about in feminist circles. I do, however, think it is SUCH an important topic that many (most?) women will someday encounter that there needs to be a continual discussion on how we treat and raise children to carry on our voices.

If and when I have a child that is a son the last thing I will think about is to raise him to be a feminist. I will try to raise him to be a good and honorable person. I will also try to teach him to be strong and to survive in a tough world. I will teach him to be respectful of authority but be wary of the cops. To realize there are things he might see other kids do he can't get away with. And no he's not going to school in pink. He's going to be a victim.

Sorry meant he's NOT going to be a victim

Annabel644 -

I was thinking about your post last night, and I do have two concrete sugestions (instead of the generic "toughen him up"):

1) Humor. Make sure he's able to laugh at himself and at other people. It's amazing how well a self-deprecating joke defuses things; I wish I had learned that before my 20s.
2) Competition. The desire to dominate someone, and the self-esteem created when successful, is woven very deeply into the male psyche in ways I don't understand and can't explain. I am not necessarily talking about violence or sports; just something, whether it's bassoon or basketball, math or Mario Kart, that he can look upon and feel good about his superior abilities.

Just my opinions, of course.

As far as the pink thing, it's interesting that I can imagine it being a problem for kids since kids can be cruel and young kids especially are used to people conforming to gender norms. But with people my age and maybe even high school, I get the sense that it's no big deal if a guy wears pink or even admired if he can do it while appearing confident.

Actually, I find it interesting how it is normally people of the same gender who do gender policing. I've heard many stories from women who find that it is women more than men who care if they don't shave their legs. Also, really sensitive boys who have trouble fitting in with boys might fit in with girls just fine.

Anyway, I think you're doing a great job.

annabel, thanks for writing this post. i am also a parent, and i have long felt that discussion of feminist-influenced parenting was sorely lacking on feministing, so i really appreciate what you wrote.

my daughter is four and a half, and i, like you, am struggling with that fine line between wanting her to be anything and everything that will make her happy, but also recognizing that some forms of happiness aren't as socially acceptable, and therefore wanting to protect her from society's judgment.

one of the weird wrinkles for me has been that, even though my ex-husband and i are brown-haired, brown-eyed, mediterranean skin, and the have the body type where we always struggle with our weight, my daughter has that absolute patriarchal feminine ideal beauty....blonde, blue-eyed, pale rosy white, and slim without being skinny. she's so gorgeous she *still* gets stared at in public, which freaks me the hell out. the little boys at her school absolutely swarm her, and clamor for her attention, to the point where multiple people have told me that she should be a child model (um....FUCK NO), and her teachers have joked with me that i should get my shotgun ready. (can i talk about how annoying that comment is? like i would really shoot a guy for being interested in her? christ on a cracker.)

i too struggle with how to raise her when she comes from a place of privilege. not only is she beautiful, like your son, she also comes from educated white people. she's also an only child (her dad has another daughter, so she has a sister every other weekend, but she's the only child at my house), and both my and my ex's families are active and loving in her life. we're not rich, but there's definitely enough. (honestly, i was never pretty the way she is, and i don't know how or if it should be addressed. i mean, she has no control over it, for god's sake.)

i of course tell her that she's beautiful, because i'm her mom, and she lights up my life. i also tell her how smart she is (pediatrician has said she's "high-functioning", how hard she works, when she's a good listener, so on and so forth. she has contact with diverse people....she has friends of all different ethnic backgrounds, different abilities/disabilities, multi-language, sexual orientations (and yes, she knows what it is to be lesbian/gay, at least at an age-appropriate level, i.e. "some women have girlfriends like your daddy has girlfriends, and some men have boyfriends like mommy has a boyfriend"), so forth and so on.

to me, though i don't really think of it like "raising her to be a feminist", it's very important to impart my values. (though i will admit, i've gotten her in the habit of saying "JOHN MCCAIN IS AN OLD FART! whenever she sees him on tv. sue me.) i'm big on DOING, rather than just TALKING. because she sees me and other people treating one another in a respectful way, in addition to the "very special episode of blossom"-type serious talks about "there's all different ways to be a person and they're all OK!", i want to make sure that she never has a feeling of superiority because of how pretty she is. (yes, other people tell her. a lot.)

i also want to protect the parts of her that don't necessarily fit into the idealized view of femininity, which is what i suspect that you are struggling with the most with your son and masculinity. just like her mom, my daughter is INTENSELY competitive, and not necessarily drawn to the cooperative play/activities that girls supposedly prefer. though i don't want her to be so competition-oriented that she alienates anyone or cheats, i know and empathize with her what it means to want to be the best at something/anything/everything. (i am scared that her competitive nature will mix with pride in her appearance, oh, believe me. how do i let her know that she should be confident in her own appearance without implying that she is *prettier* than someone else?)

blah blah blah. i suppose i don't really have answers for you, other than what i try to do, which is listen listen listen to them, and if you start detecting some upset/unhappiness, then it's time for one of those serious conversations. i don't want to squelch my daughter's competitive nature, just like you don't want to squelch your son's sensitivity, but i don't want it to leave her out in the cold, either. maybe we both have to teach them how to be *in public* vs. *in private*....to let them know that there is nothing wrong with our deepest feelings but that they don't necessarily need to be shared with the world at all times, either. that there is virtue in learning emotional self-control without bottling one's feelings up inside? but how do i do this without shaming?

in short, i feel like raising the munchkins to be feminist is just one part of raising them to be accepting people...to recognize that there are countless kinds of happiness, to work hard to seek their own kind, and never to judge another's. but it's so hard when you know the world isn't as understanding/accepting as we want for our children to be.

oi.

I'm not a parent, so you can ignore this if you want.

Regarding the pink room and not wanting your children to be the victims of ridicule or worse from their peers, what I remember from my childhood (and onwards--peer pressure never really ends) is that sometimes it's best to let the kids decide how much they want to put up with. If your son wants to go to his first day of school in a bright pink sweater, let him. He'll get made fun of by the other boys, probably, but maybe he'll decide he doesn't care. It can be your job to make sure he knows that it's the other kids who have a problem, not him, and then let him decide how much he wants to stand out.

Regarding violent play, movies, etc.: When I was growing up my mom was very religious, and limited our exposure to a lot of things. How a woman who had read Lord of the Rings twenty times before they even began publicizing the movies could have problems with my sister and I watching The Neverending Story or playing D&D (this was pre-Harry Potter. I can only imagine...) is a discussion for an entirely different blog, but nonetheless, our exposure to anything she thought of as "spiritual," unless it was an explicitly Christian spirituality, was severely limited. This left me feeling like she thought I was stupid, that I didn't know real from imaginary. That wasn't her reasoning, but if you're going to consider forbidding certain kinds of play and expression, it might be worth thinking about how the child is going to perceive that and tailor your approach accordingly, especially when they're too young to understand some of the more nuanced aspects of it.

In terms of keeping up with the feminist track in the future, but not being dogmatic but more educational, there were some tactics my mom took with me that were pretty good. She never had a son, but I don't see why her tactics would work any less on a boy than on a girl.

The biggest thing my mom did was give me books on women who changed Canada. I had a little collection of biographies on women who were important artists, scientists, thinkers and educators and I got a guideline of what suffragism was about. When I was somewhere between 7-9 my mom read me a novelized story of the life of suffragist Nellie McClung (it's called Nellie and it's written by Connie Brummell Crook) and she became my lifelong hero. I think it was a good way for me to see how women had it in the past and how women have it now- teaching your son about what it was like for pioneers and people before modern inventions can go a long way to teaching them about how things are now as compared to then. When he's ready, give him historical role models who he can relate to- be they male or female, kids are always inspired by people who make a difference. Read him books that are about boys and girls, so he has role models of both genders and can learn to empathize with the thought process of a girl. It'll go a long way towards giving him tools that can help him cope with being an emotional boy in a world that's often harsh towards that type.

Annabel--

I am not a parent. But I was raised by parents who were and are committed leftists, and old-school at that. So I think I might offer some insight about intersections between parenting and ideology.

My parents went right by emphasizing their values, and leading by example. My father was always careful to be explicit about why he believed what he believed. My mother just did her thing and refused to apologize. (She's a doctor).

Now, I grew up in the 70s and 80s, so having hippie-ish parents wasn't unusual for my age group (I'm 39). But having parents who were old-left connected was unusual. Having parents who had traveled to Eastern Europe and didn't just see the awfulness of Stalin was unusual.

I wasn't shielded from violence. I was on the receiving end of it a lot of the time. And I would implore you to understand that much as we might want to get away from hierarchies and gender norms we live in a world that isn't perfect, and humans are a hierarchical species anyway, just like our ape cousins.

So trying to protect your son from violence by avoiding even implied violence seems a recipe for pretty boring cartoons, you know? I mean,. bugs bunny was pretty darned violent but I never had that get in the way of the values my parents tried to instill. Kids are smart that way.

More important, if your son is ever in an environment where he isn't surrounded by like-minded people, he'll have to fight. It's not fair or right but he will. Sorry, just a fact.

My dad told me violence was wrong. But I also learned that bullies won't stop until you stop them hard. When your son comes crying from getting beat up, I'd respectfully suggest that telling him to go to a teacher for help is precisely the wrong thing to do. Schools are like prison -- a bunch of people (children) who aren't in control of their surroundings which are controlled by someone else. Difference is adult prisoners have more self-restraint :-)

I was smaller and more sensitive, and I got the shit kicked out of me more than once. But I do not exaggerate when I say one of the proudest moments of my life (as a child) was stopping the big kid from stealing my bike for the umpteenth time by cracking him over the head with a log. He got a proper goose egg and never bugged me again.

That incident taught me that sometimes, you just can't sit back and take it. And sometimes there won't be anyone to protect you but yourself.

I bring this whole schtick up because while I was raised to be a non-violent person, and i still believe in non-violence, I also know the world isn't like that. I found out later my parents had big debates over it -- my mom was against telling me to fight, my dad (who also got a lot of shit in the McCarthy 50s) was for telling me to come with a gun when the other guy brings a knife. (cf. "The Chicago way" and yeah, my dad's family was a bunch of working-class people from Yonkers)

Also, when your son has fantasies that are violent, I'd say let him run with it. I had those fantasies as a kid, especially after I got beat up, and it was actually what kept me from going postal a la Columbine years later. It was an outlet, and being able to have violent wish-fulfillment fantasies (expressed through a love of superhero comic books and science fiction) was a hugely helpful outlet.

Like I said, I believe in non-violence, and also that violent urges can be channeled. I teach kids about violence all the time as a karate instructor and find that works for some kids as a physical release and a way to make them feel powerful, which believe it or not helps avoid fights.

An interesting phenomenon I noticed is that when we tell violent kids that what they learn in the dojo is a secret and not to show anyone, because they could hurt another person, they really respond to that well. Like adults, kids want to be liked. They avoid fights because they don't want to hurt someone else. They also get to feel like they're in the club, and that goes a long way towards better self-esteem.

This was way too long, I know. Sorry. It's just that after what I went through as a "different" kid, I never want to see it happen to anyone else. And when I have kids, boys or girls, I'm going to tell them that sometimes violent, bad things happen, and there won't be anyone around to help. That's when you have to fight like hell be it for your values or your dignity. And sometimes a bloody nose or two can teach kids why inflicting pain is a bad thing.

I’ve been reading Feministing for a couple years now for a daily dose of encouragement. Your post here has finally moved me to comment:

Thank you for caring so much about this issue, and thank you for recognizing the value of your son’s sensitivity. The description of your boy’s disposition may well have been an account of my childhood, although I grew up in a very conservative (anti-feminist and homophobic) environment in the rural south and experienced a “toughening up” that became something of a community project undertaken my parents, pastors, teachers, coaches and peers. I know it was well intentioned, but for the most part, the only long term behavioral change it caused was my self-identification as a feminist by age 17 (regrettably unusual in these parts for straight males). In my case, I was lucky that the same folks who tried to scare me into acting “manly”, and away from acting “girly” or “gay” sabotaged themselves by teaching the importance of being myself and loving and understanding everyone in my community.

I’m only 22, and I don’t yet know what this must feel like as a parent, so I can only speak from the perspective of my own experience: Your son, however sensitive, is probably not fragile. You may not be able to (nor should you) shield him from all the forces of gender conformity (from ridicule-by-peers to hyper-masculine role models) that will encourage him to “act like a boy” and you can’t even keep him from listening to them sometimes. But you can do your best to give him the values, strength of character and emotional tools to ultimately be himself and recognize how gender-pressure hurts him, those like him and those not like him. (Chances are, if he can empathize with the world, he’s got a head start here already.) The world he lives in is not benevolent, but if he comes to understand it, he can make it better. This is how feminists are made.

You are an inspiration. Keep up the good work.

He will lost intrist in the pink
soon enough, give it time.

The sensitive thing is a red
flag, just be easy with him
and warn him of mean things
out there the best you can,
and it shood go a bit smoother.

Don't ever try and force him
to "grow up", this is the worst
and most distructive thing that
anyone cood do.

The more one pushes him, the
harder he will push back, and
above all, don't put him in
a place where peple will hurt him,
because he will strike back
with a vengence you have never
seen.

Remember, don't EVER let anyone
hurt him, ever, there will be
hell to pay.

By having your son "show his sensitivity", all you're doing is making him think that crying is a socially acceptable activity, it isn't. I've seen a teenager who hasn't been taught not to cry, he was mercilessly bullied by his classmates and would whine about the most minor things if he didn't get his way. There's no such thing as raising a feminist son, there's only such thing as raising a pussy. And I hope for your son's sake that there's still time to save him.

You've gotten some great advice so far. As a parent of two wonderful boys, 21 and 17, I think I can look back now and see some of my own mistakes and successes enough to have perspective.

With children, especially as young as 5, I think that being surrounded by good examples goes much farther than what you can say to them. They draw into themselves the actions, attitudes and behavior of the people around them, especially their parents, to use as personal building blocks for their own emerging selves. Of course you need to answer their questions about the world as well, but I found that the times I was able to do that most effectively was when I kept it simple and age appropriate.

If you want them to still respect your values and opinions as they become adolescents, and the world with its ugliness and beauty is calling them, and their inner adult is awakening to tell them to separate from you, then they have to like you. How you treat them when they are little usually becomes how they will treat you when they become powerful. So love them and also like them, be kind, pay attention to them, listen, respect their opinions, act respectfully in your behavior (which does not mean let them do whatever they want, you as the adult have more insight and experience to know what is good for them) and use those things as tools to give them guidance.

One of the high points of my parenting experience was when my older son was about 13. We were all in the car listening to his choice of radio station when the 3 radio personalities had some highly objectionable sexist commentary. I groaned involuntarily. I probably would have said something, but before I could my son asked me why I felt that way, why was it sexist, etc. We all, including my younger son, got into a discussion about sexism. Because they asked the questions, I felt that they really wanted to hear my answers. Afterward I felt strangely fortunate that our local radio jocks are such sexist idiots.

My older son was a very sensitive little boy. He often didn't fit in with usual "boy" behavior. He desperately wanted some toys that I wouldn't have wanted to give a daughter if I'd had one, like garish plastic stick-on earrings, and had a "pink" phase. He got along well with both boys and girls at school, his boy friends thought he was a little weird but liked him anyway, but the girls decided to make him an honorary girl, and named him Michelle. In spite of all that it was not evident overall that he was gay, not even to him, but it turned out that he is. Though he and I both worried about it, he never really suffered from the prejudice of his peers, but looking back I now recognize that he had a very difficult time with straight adult men in his life. I was constantly hearing from male teachers, soccer coaches etc. that there was something wrong, but they couldn't figure what it exactly was, but they just felt they couldn't "reach" him. Female teachers however, loved him and thought he was a good student. This is still confusing to me, because I don't want to believe that boys or girls of any sexual orientation must conform to gendered roles, or that they should be treated differently because of their gender. But according to him, he was more comfortable being treated the way we tend to treat girls, and not being treated in the stereotypical way we treat boys. I think that the well intentioned efforts of these men to "toughen him up" in that way of getting boys to act more manly, and the failure of those efforts, did hurt him in the long run by giving him the message that he was not OK as he was. (But I don't disagree with the posters who have said that you can't shield them from the world and the usual hard knocks that come from living in it.) The assumption that every child is straight (until proven gay) can be damaging to gay children. On the other hand I don't think that the straight children can be hurt by the knowledge that they are allowed to be who they are whether straight or gay.

As an adult my son is still somewhat overly sensitive, and less comfortable with straight men. But sometimes your greatest weaknesses are connected to your greatest strengths. He is a caring considerate personable man who has a lot of insight into other people, and a deliciously dry sense of humor. He gets along wonderfully with women, lesbians and feminists included, and can easily relate to feminist thinking.

My younger son is definitely a manly type boy, always was, and now at 17 has that confident swagger. He self-identifies as a progressive and feminist thinking type of guy, but I can clearly see that he has no idea of the considerable privilege he wields as a white, middle class, straight, handsome, intelligent, talented guy. As far as feminism is concerned he knows how to talk the talk (and its great that he wants to) but I'm not convinced he could walk the walk yet. I think he'll get there. I think it's important that he was exposed to literature and media with a female protagonist, and he is unquestioningly accepting that his brother is gay. Now that they are older and don't fight with each other all the time (healthy violence?) they are great friends. I notice that he is attracted to strong and accomplished young women, as girlfriends and as friends. I think/hope he's turning out pretty well.

Annabel644, I think it's great that you are exposing your son to diverse people, and you seem to take the responsibilities of parenting very seriously. But don't worry too much, and enjoy being with your beautiful son. As long as he feels loved, liked, respected and protected by you he will learn the valuable life lessons that you teach, even through your mistakes.

You've gotten some great advice so far. As a parent of two wonderful boys, 21 and 17, I think I can look back now and see some of my own mistakes and successes enough to have perspective.

With children, especially as young as 5, I think that being surrounded by good examples goes much farther than what you can say to them. They draw into themselves the actions, attitudes and behavior of the people around them, especially their parents, to use as personal building blocks for their own emerging selves. Of course you need to answer their questions about the world as well, but I found that the times I was able to do that most effectively was when I kept it simple and age appropriate.

If you want them to still respect your values and opinions as they become adolescents, and the world with its ugliness and beauty is calling them, and their inner adult is awakening to tell them to separate from you, then they have to like you. How you treat them when they are little usually becomes how they will treat you when they become powerful. So love them and also like them, be kind, pay attention to them, listen, respect their opinions, act respectfully in your behavior (which does not mean let them do whatever they want, you as the adult have more insight and experience to know what is good for them) and use those things as tools to give them guidance.

One of the high points of my parenting experience was when my older son was about 13. We were all in the car listening to his choice of radio station when the 3 radio personalities had some highly objectionable sexist commentary. I groaned involuntarily. I probably would have said something, but before I could my son asked me why I felt that way, why was it sexist, etc. We all, including my younger son, got into a discussion about sexism. Because they asked the questions, I felt that they really wanted to hear my answers. Afterward I felt strangely fortunate that our local radio jocks are such sexist idiots.

My older son was a very sensitive little boy. He often didn't fit in with usual "boy" behavior. He desperately wanted some toys that I wouldn't have wanted to give a daughter if I'd had one, like garish plastic stick-on earrings, and had a "pink" phase. He got along well with both boys and girls at school, his boy friends thought he was a little weird but liked him anyway, but the girls decided to make him an honorary girl, and named him Michelle. In spite of all that it was not evident overall that he was gay, not even to him, but it turned out that he is. Though he and I both worried about it, he never really suffered from the prejudice of his peers, but looking back I now recognize that he had a very difficult time with straight adult men in his life. I was constantly hearing from male teachers, soccer coaches etc. that there was something wrong, but they couldn't figure what it exactly was, but they just felt they couldn't "reach" him. Female teachers however, loved him and thought he was a good student. This is still confusing to me, because I don't want to believe that boys or girls of any sexual orientation must conform to gendered roles, or that they should be treated differently because of their gender. But according to him, he was more comfortable being treated the way we tend to treat girls, and not being treated in the stereotypical way we treat boys. I think that the well intentioned efforts of these men to "toughen him up" in that way of getting boys to act more manly, and the failure of those efforts, did hurt him in the long run by giving him the message that he was not OK as he was. (But I don't disagree with the posters who have said that you can't shield them from the world and the usual hard knocks that come from living in it.) The assumption that every child is straight (until proven gay) can be damaging to gay children. On the other hand I don't think that the straight children can be hurt by the knowledge that they are allowed to be who they are whether straight or gay.

As an adult my son is still somewhat overly sensitive, and less comfortable with straight men. But sometimes your greatest weaknesses are connected to your greatest strengths. He is a caring considerate personable man who has a lot of insight into other people, and a deliciously dry sense of humor. He gets along wonderfully with women, lesbians and feminists included, and can easily relate to feminist thinking.

My younger son is definitely a manly type boy, always was, and now at 17 has that confident swagger. He self-identifies as a progressive and feminist thinking type of guy, but I can clearly see that he has no idea of the considerable privilege he wields as a white, middle class, straight, handsome, intelligent, talented guy. As far as feminism is concerned he knows how to talk the talk (and its great that he wants to) but I'm not convinced he could walk the walk yet. I think he'll get there. I think it's important that he was exposed to literature and media with a female protagonist, and he is unquestioningly accepting that his brother is gay. Now that they are older and don't fight with each other all the time (healthy violence?) they are great friends. I notice that he is attracted to strong and accomplished young women, as girlfriends and as friends. I think/hope he's turning out pretty well.

Annabel644, I think it's great that you are exposing your son to diverse people, and you seem to take the responsibilities of parenting very seriously. But don't worry too much, and enjoy being with your beautiful son. As long as he feels loved, liked, respected and protected by you he will learn the valuable life lessons that you teach, even through your mistakes.

Hi Chauvinist! lol at your choice of name

In coming on this post, and sharing your opinions in the way you have, you are obviously trying to be as offensive to the the original poster as possible: "There's no such thing as raising a feminist son, there's only such thing as raising a pussy. And I hope for your son's sake that there's still time to save him."

To equate sensitivity with a propensity to cry in public is one hell of a leap. Sensitivity means to be in tune with your own feelings and the feelings of others. It means you don't deliberately go out of your way to hurt another or put them down. It means you are aware of the differences in people and are accepting of them. Sensitivity is not an exclusively feminist or female attribute. In giving the example of the teenager who was bullied at school, as well as criticizing the victim for causing himself to be bullied (as if anyone would choose to do that?!), have you ever questioned the behaviour of those who bullied him, what was driving them and what they got out of it? Were they asserting their narrow definition of masculinity and power by showing no sensitivity or compassion to another boy who just happened to be different to them?

Many posters on here have actually suggested to the original poster to focus more on bringing her son up to be a decent human being, rather than having a specific feminist agenda. I am of that view myself. In doing this, many feminist attitudes and values will form anyway.

My boys, 22 and 19, show plenty of sensitivity, but they are no pussies!!!! Sensitivity and masculinity need not be mutually exclusive as you believe them to be. Both play football (Australian style with no padding), cricket, swim and the younger, that most demanding of sports, water polo. The older one also does weights and has the body to show for it. When engaged in these stereotypically "masculine" activities, particularly contact sports like Aussie Rules Football and water polo, they are certainly able to give as good as they get. They are extremely competitive and ambitious outside of the sporting arena as well. I realize that as they have grown, the outside influences on what it means to be a man have certainly done their work, but I understand that they have to survive in the real world as men, and so do not question or criticize their choices.

However, being able to survive as men, does not mean that they have to be devoid of sensitivity towards others. We have many discussions about injustice, discrimination and stereotyping, not only with regard to sex, but also race, social class, religion, etc. They astound me with their understanding of the complex issues involved and the compassion they show for others. I watch them interact with people and feel as a parent that I have done ok.

I empathize with the original poster in trying so hard to bring up her son in a world full of conflicting values and messages. I remember when mine were so young, I too wanted to be the perfect parent, but found out, as we all do, that it is not possible. All we can do is our best, and in trying to encourage sensitivity in boys, is actually to their advantage in that they will be more likely to understand others and their own reactions to them. To be successful men, boys need to develop social skills and be in tune wit