I get this sometimes (honey, babe, sweetie, dear, darlin', etc.) I don't particularly like it, but if it seems to be well intentioned I usually just don't say anything for the sake of keeping the peace. If it's done condescendingly or patronizingly or just seems kind of assholeish in general, I simply say something along the lines of, "Do I look like your wife? Your daughter? No? Then don't call me honey."

Or if I feel like I really need to say something, but don't want to make waves, I try to broach the subject really gently and say, "I know you don't mean it that way, but it comes off as kind of condescending the way you call all the women honey and sweetheart."

I'm of course thinking of my experiences with teachers. I really don't think I'd tolerate being called pet names in the work place unless the job had a very, very laid-back environment.

I used to work at a law firm and one of my co-workers (we were equals in terms of our job title but he'd been working there longer) called me "babe" a couple times. He also put his hands on my a couple times in a way that I found overly familiar (he passed behind me in a elevator and put his hands around my waist - for no good reason, I wasn't about to fall or something). I was so mad because the "babe" think kept taking me by surprise so I didn't say anything - but I was so angry that I couldn't sleep at night. So, I went to my supervisor (a woman who I was friendly with) and we found out what the official firm policy was (I had to discuss with him that these behaviors were inappropriate and write a memo about the incident(s) which would be sealed and kept in his personnel file, for the record). It was fairly awkward because this guy and I were sort of friends and we worked together a lot. I was nervous but the meeting went fine once he figured out what I was talking about. Never had a problem again.

The thing is, this guy was essentially my equal in the hierarchy. If he had been a supervisor or lawyer, it wouldn't have been so easy. I wasn't harrassed or "babe"d by lawyers but may of my female co-workers were . . . Anyway, that's my "babe" story.

I can't tell you how often this happens to me and how much I hate it. My response usually depends on the situation. Here are three examples:

A colleague of mine who used to call me "babe" ALL the time. Because he was a jerk and was known to cause a big stink about nothing (and get people fired because of it), I didn't really say anything ever. Ugh.

The new guy working at my local deli calls me "honey" and "sweetie" at least once every time I go in there. The first couple of times, I gave him dirty looks. Last time, I said "please don't call me that." He looked confused and I walked out before he said anything. We'll see what happens next time I go there.

Random strangers say it too, of course. This morning, a man was carrying a bag of donuts and a tray of coffee, so I held the door open for him. He seemed very surprised by this and looked down and said "thanks so much sweetie." I was already in a bad mood, so I let the door hit him in the back. Sorry, sir, if you're reading this, but let that serve as a warning!

oh dear.
I am a woman and I use those endearing terms all day, everyday, addressing males and females.
I lived in the south (New Orleans) long enough to enjoy the sweet charm of endearing names.
I happen to love people unconditionally, very easily (20 years teaching yoga has had that effect on me). I do occasionally ask people if it's OK to call them dawl (slang for darling) or shug (sugar) etc.

I think context and intent count more than actual words and names uttered.

When I say dawl, I do not mean it in a demeaning way.

frau sally benz,

sweet n sour

I don't think he meant to demean you with the word sweetie, cause, for a second there, you were being a sweetie.

one moment you are being a sweet heart, the next sour as all get out.

If a man did that to me as I walked thru the door (let it slam) I'd call him an asshole.

there are inappropriate uses (like when it's used to diminish a womans work capabilities) and there are times when it is a part of being charming (like when someone holds open a door).

It annoys me when people who don't know me call me "honey," "baby," "doll," "sweetheart," etc. Mainly customers at the resturant I work at do this, as well as say other weird-ass things to me, like one guy said "You have a pokeable stomach." (What does that even mean?!? I'm the pillsbury dough boy? I weigh less than 100 pounds!)

I can't really say anything about it to them since I'm at work and it bothers me, because if they think I'm being "sweet" or whatever it is probably because I am at work and it is my JOB to be nice to customers, not because ALL women are "essentially" nice, sweet, PASSIVE creatures.

Another issue for me with "pet" names for me is the whole virgin/whore or good woman/bad woman dicotomy. A lot of guys I've known in the past who used this sort of language tended to call women negative names as well. To some of them at least, if you aren't a "baby girl" then you are a "cunt," if you aren't a "sweetheart" you are a "bitch." Has anyone else had those sort of experiences?

This has happened to me SO much over my lifeguarding teenage years. If they ask you to do something or comment on your work, just use another pet name in response: "Hey babe, great job on Tuesday." "Sure doll." Works every time :)

THANK you. I cannot count on both hands the number of times I've been called "dear" over the phone in a business capacity.

My favorite response is to let the offender know, in the *most professional way possible*, that they are speaking with the co-owner/managing director of the firm they've called. While this happens to be true, you don't have to be in a position of power to politely remind someone that you are due respect. A simple, "I would appreciate you not calling me [blank], please" said in a professional tone is PERFECTLY acceptable, in my opinion.

I don't care for pet names and diminuitives in the workplace, but since I live in the south and am used to it - it doesn't bother me in social situations where someone may not know my name. Then again, I use the terms all the time with my friends.

In a professional environment it bothers me and my usual response is just to politely smile and say, "please call me *name*"

hmmm. i have a younger, female coworker who is in touch with gender issues and feminism. she calls me sweetie all the time. i guess i never had a problem with it, although i'd be reluctant to call her sweetie, though i think she wouldn't take it in the wrong way. maybe i err on the side of not using such terms, for fear that they be construed as sexist.

I tend to call people who call me 'honey' or 'sweetie' a pet name in response - usually 'pumpkin.'

I say it every bit as sweetly as they do. If they are nice people, they usually laugh with me. If they are men in positions of authority over me seeking, perhaps subconsciously, to display their dominant position - they usually look like I've challenged their authority but they can't say anything about it 'cause they used an inappropriate term of endearment first. Then they don't call me 'honey' again.

Only once have I had to explain to such a chump that I was mocking rather than coming-on to him.

The only time I can remember being off-put by someone calling me by a pet name (family members, significant others, and friends don't count because we use pet names for each other all the time), it was a woman who called the office I work at. She asked if someone was available, and when I said I'd transfer her, she said, "Thank you, sweetie." That threw me for a loop for a second. Other than that, though, I don't recall any random guys or male coworkers calling me any pet names.

If I get called any silly pet name, I respond with a big grin and proceed to call them cupcake.

I understand why many people would not like to be adressed like this. Are there any that really get on your nerves more than others? For me, I hate anything with "sweet" in it, "sweetheart", "sweet cheeks" or just "sweetie". Unless it was my Grampie calling me sweetie, but he was a cute man who reserved that for his granddaughters.

The one I find slightly acceptable is "dear". It seems slightly less demeaning to me than the rest, for some reason or other. I'm not sure why this is, but if customers call me this at work (I'm a cashier), I genereally don't want to punch them in the head as i do if someone calls me "babe" or "honey". If we don't know each other, and especially if they are of an older generation, I generally find "dear" acceptable. It's less weird, to me, to have a stranger call me that than by my name. But that's just me, and that only applies to customers, not to my co-workers or my boss! They can learn my name, I've been there for long enough.

I am also a woman from the south. I call men and women "sweetie" or "love" all the time. I think it is because where I came from, everyone did this regardless of power status, and because I have trouble remembering names. My northern in-laws used to giggle when I called them all "love" (which I probably used more for people I know than "sweetie," which is more casual).

The only time anyone has expressed any annoyance at it was when I said "Calm down now, Sweetie" in front of a couple of door-to-door evangelists outside my door. The man bristled and demanded "what did you call me?" The funny thing is, I had been talking to my Shih Tzu, who was scratching wildly at the door trying to get to the strangers.

This is probably a geographic thing. As I said, where I grew up, the hotel maid was as likely to call the businessman in the room "love" or "sweetie" as the reverse. It is almost the southern form of "guy," "dude," "sister/brother," "buddy," or "neighbor" -- all generalized names used to refer to someone in various places I've lived.

Back in high school I was working on a project with a guy who kept calling me "sexy," "sweetie," and "babe." My game plan was that every time he did that, I would retaliate by calling him the most sickeningly sweet, cloying names I could think of. "Ok, schmoopy." "Whatever you say, poopsie kins." He got the message VERY quickly.

Frost: Hey, I sure wouldn't mind getting some more of that Arcturian poontang! Remember that time?

Spunkmeyer: Yeah, Frost, but the one that you had was a male!

Frost: It doesn't matter when it's Arcturian, baby!

--Aliens: Director's Cut.
I grew up in Texas where this stuff gets bandied about a lot, and people want to hang on to it out of tradition.

2 possibilities--term of endearment, in which case you want to politely explain you don't like being called those names. by virtue of calling you that name as a term of endearment they should be ammenable to that. If it's a manner of asserting authority, then feel free to assert your own.

It *is* a dick-move to let a door close on someone because they gave you a pet-name. with that said, it's inarticulate to call a stranger a pet name.

Okay, had to share this:
A few months ago we were on a camping trip. I was walking to the car in a dimly lit area when I heard someone in a group of guys saying "Hey honey - Hey honey" over and over again. I didn't realize he was trying to get my attention until someone else in the group said to him "Dude, that's a dude!!!" Guess in the dim light he only saw the long hair, missed the goatee. I heard him say to the rest of the crowd "Aw, I am so embarrassed". When I walked back by them, the guy apologized. I just said "That's okay", but I really wanted to ask him if he felt apologizing because I happened to be the wrong gender was really sufficient, and ask if that sort of thing has ever worked for him. It was weird getting a small taste of what women have to put up with all their lives. It was weird to get a taste of what I know women have to put up with all their lives. It scared me, actually, though it was somewhat amusing.

I think it's alright to call someone "honey" or "sweetie", but it really depends on the situation - that is, when it's not going to be construed as demeaning, threatening, sexist, or a come-on. But it's rare that it's not one or more of those. I personally don't have it in me to call anyone such a name besides my gal.

I work around a lot of seniors. I mean, other than the minister (who is in her thirties), everyone else is at least 65. The oldest person I deal with regularly is 91. Almost everyone calls me "dear". Occasionally, sweetheart. Never babe or honey. It doesn't bother me too much, but it drives the Rev nuts, because she's got to maintain some semblance of leadership in order for the church to run. She mostly lets it go, but when some of the men who try to usurp her authority try it, she just calls them honeybunch. Shuts 'em right up. :)

I've worked with many folks in the GLBT community and folks from the south, and both groups in particular would use terms of endearment (sweetie, honey, etc) both in professional and casual settings. I always found it endearing if it was intended that way, not as a passive aggressive attempt "to put me in my place" inserted into a condescending speech. I always take geography, age, etc. into account and also take note of how the boys get treated. One of my current teachers calls me sweetie or whatnot, but calls the boys champ or something, too. As in everything else, context is key.

If these "endearments" seem like they're being being used to put me in my place, or if I want to make sure it doesn't pass unnoticed, I usually answer back with something like "No problem, Sweet Cheeks!" It works best when you're in a group.

If it's just someone being nice, especially if they're older, I don't much mind, and in fact kind of like it.

If someone's grabby, and they're a peer, I usually slap their hands away and do a little "my space, your space" speech with the hand gestures. If they're older, I usually limit it to removing the hand and saying (quietly and calmly) "No" and then pretending it didn't happen. If it happens again I say it more forcefully. I've never had anyone do it more than twice.

I haven't had any trouble about it, ever. Or if I did, it wasn't obvious enough that I noticed.

It probably helps that I'm tall and self-assured. And, I've been told, have a good (unconscious) expression of disgusted incredulity when I feel like someone's behaving badly.

I was working at the Farmer's Market a few weeks ago, and a pair of construction workers that had been there the week before came by and one of them said "Ya, it's the same place. See, same chick's here and everything." I politely told them that I am not a chick, and they sort of stammered that they weren't really calling me a chick, they just... (not quite sure where they were going with that one, but that's where the sentence ended.) The best part was that my boyfriend (who was working with me) was in awe for the rest of the day. ( "You. are. amazing. I don't know anyone that would call out a pair of big hairy construction workers like that. Oh my god. Ahh. You are so cool."

This happens to me ALL the time. I think in my case though it is because I am young, and I look much youger than I really am, and I have freckles which people find 'sooo cute', and make me look like a little girl. Obviously it's very irritating for me because it makes me feel like whoever is saying it to me, doesn't take me seriously, (which usually is the case) and that I am somehow less than them. Intellectually I am probably equal to a lot of the people who have called me a 'pet' name, age makes you wiser but not necessarily smarter. And you know what, I'm not fucking sweet at all! Nobody who knows me well would describe me as sweet. I can be sweet at times, but mostly I am blunt, I have no patience and I am very sarcastic and opinionated. So ya sweet is just not the best description of my personality and I don't appreciate it from complete strangers. It makes me wanna do something like throw something in their face while screaming I'M NOT FUCKING SWEET FUCKHEAD! haha! but I would never really do that, I guess that's my sweet side.

I am an assistant in a mostly male office, and I am constantly being pulled in many directions by many people. Sometimes I say 'yes, dear' in response to a request because I can't think of that person's name. Sometimes it is a sarcastic way of accepting a request that seems more befitting a spouse than a professional assistant. Either way, I cringe to hear myself say it.

Being called 'honey' or 'babe' by a stranger has a similar effect on me as being inappropriately touched. I don't know why. I'm often unable to do anything about it because it usually happens quickly.

I agree that throwing it back at the offender ia effective at making a point if they're being condescending, and causes no harm if someone means no harm.

I actually get called pet names much more often by other women than by men. And it's not even usually women who are significantly older than me- it tends to be waitresses, secretaries, store clerks, etc. really, really close to my age (20).

Can't remember the last time a man I wasn't related to used a pet name for me, but I would be pretty offended considering that I find it annoying and extremely patronizing when a woman does it.

i muse, I know you're right. But something about that word just generally pisses me off. I still don't really know why, because even when my friends say it to me I get annoyed. I've tried to use it myself hoping I'll get over it, but so far I've failed.

Also, as I said, I was already in a bad mood. Just not a good way to start the day.

I am a 40something woman, and work for a small government agency, and one person from the public that I deal with fairly regularly calls me various terms of endearment (and not just me) every time he sees me.

The thing that makes it stick out to me is that he is close to my age, give or take a few years. Men who are older, it doesn't bother me (like my Grandpa's age), since they were raised in a different time, but every time this guy says it, I'm taken aback. I want to say "Really? "Hon"??"

I haaaate being called sweetheart or honey or whatever by anyone besides my partner (who calls me baby more than anything)... I've found that most of the time that it's used it's been used to suck the strength out of my arguments during a level-headed debate about something (usually when I'm winning, no surprises there!).... I usually respond by saying very coldly, "I'm NOT your sweetheart."
cause people who are condescending, I don't really care if they think I'm a bitch or whatever. I'm not a child, I'm not inferior or dumb, so I don't put up with being talked down to. I have a name.

I lived in Louisiana for years more than I ever wanted to, but did discover one thing there that might be considered as a mitigating factor: at least in some parts of the deep south (I experienced this mostly in New Orleans, less in Baton Rouge, and am told it's a cultural thing in chunks of Texas as well), you can get referred to this way ('sweetheart', 'honey', 'sugar', etc.) by strangers of the opposite gender (and it really does go both directions) and it doesn't mean anything at all. I never quite worked out the local cultural rules for it (strangely, it seemed less appropriate the better you knew someone -- if the two people were on a first-name basis, it didn't seem to happen, and I never saw it treated this way by coworkers with a rank difference), but it's reflexively ingrained.

I found it a little disconcerting the first few times a waitress called me 'honey', myself, until I worked this out.

Obama had a problem with this some months back, if I remember correctly -- distracted, he held off a (female) reporter with a 'just a moment, honey' comment, or some such. As soon as he was called on it, he apologized, immediately acknowledged that it was inappropriate, and said that it was one of his bad habits that he was going to have to keep a closer eye on.

None of this is to disagree with the people who have observed it being used as a power play or tool of condescension, of course. I just wanted to note that not everyone who does it is doing it with ill intent, or indeed, even deliberately.

My boss does this, but it does not bother me. He is a feminist, maybe if he wasn't it would bother me, but I know how progressive he is. We are close and I know he means it affectionately. he doesnt do it to belittle me or "put me in my place". We also live in a southern state and it is really just in the culture around here for people to use endearments like that for each other.

However, if it bothered me, i would think it was totally valid for me to ask him to stop.

I think context is very important here; as many here have already said, using such terms with strangers is often a cultural thing, especially in the South. Hon, dear, darlin', sweetheart are all common ways to refer to a stranger/acquaintance, and aren't meant to be condescending or anything other than kind.

However, I've lived in the South almost all of my life and babe/baby do not have anywhere near the same connotation, especially when a man uses one of these terms to refer to a woman. They are completely inappropriate in a professional environment as they have a definite flirtatious/sexual undertone.

i'm from the south, it's pervasive there and i don't normally even think about it because in 98% of cases when i'm called some pet name, it's in a well-intentioned, polite, respectful manner by someone who is not remotely condescending.

there are definitely occasions where i feel it's inappropriate, but that depends so much on the context, the tone and the speaker. i do not live in the south anymore though, and i would be kind of weirded out to be called pet names at work even if i still lived there.

if the person really is just one of those well-meaning people who calls everyone "sweetie" or whatever and it bugs the hell out of you, i think a simple, "i'm sorry, but could you please just call me [my name]" would suffice. after all, if the pet name user is polite, they'll respect your wishes.

Sometimes this really bothers me and sometimes not so much, it depends on the context for me. In any sort of professional setting I would not be ok with it, nor when I be ok with it at times when I am trying to be taken seriously (like debating a topic). I am also not ok with it if I feel it is being used intentionally to be condescending or I think the person doing it is an asshole or hitting on me. When older people use it towards me in a casual setting however, it doesn't bother me. I have had many males and females use terms like these for me though I find females using these terms for males and females is especially prevalent in the south.

It happens to me quite a bit--from older men, older women, my peers...lots of people. I find it truly endearing and I enjoy it. My boss calls me "dear one" quite a bit and he says it like he means it, which is always nice.

Now if somebody was using names like "Sweetcheeks" or something image-based, that would probably irritate me.

Okay, so I dated this guy who was significantly older for awhile. Then he broke up with me b/c he'd met someone else.

After awhile we started hanging out as just friends, though he's acted in certain instances in ways that make me wonder if he likes me. It's all a little ambiguous though and I've declined showing too much interest.

But anyway, he's now called me "dear" a couple of times and "little lady" at least once. I almost called him out on it being creepy, especially the last one. I don't know what to think though.

I've always had success with the Response-Endearment as others above have described. The more cutsie the better, because it puts into high relief the patronizing connotation of the offender's comment. It's never not worked when used consistently.

I once worked with a woman who called everybody 'darlin''; she couldn't be bothered to learn their names, but she wanted to foster the illusion of being on the same team. Needless to say, it was s less successful strategy than she thought it was.

In another job, I shared an office with another woman who was on the receiving end of cheek-pinches from her boss. She complained bitterly about it to me, but never to anybody else. The one day he tried it with me, he got a defense-move parry from my right arm and a sharp rebuke: "Don't EVER do that!" Now, this was a Senior VP, who could have had me fired. But instead, he was aghast, terribly apologetic -- and never attempted anything like it with me again. My coworker, who never spoke up? Yep, you guessed it. He continued it with her until she relocated.

When my boss at Barnes and Noble Cafe in Boston (just for the Boston ladies to look out for him) repeatedly called me, my female co-workers, and women customers "hun," I had to pull him aside. I said, "Please don't call me pet names. I go by Jessica," even though everybody calls me Jess. I felt the need to set a standard. This was after he had been creeping me and others out for awhile (he was new, and had just stepped into a situation with mostly women workers. I learned he had worked as a restaurant manager before B&N, and had probably been used to addressing waitresses in that way).

Anyway, he just stared, and nodded quickly. I know he bristled at the demand. He later discussed the incident with an assistant manager (who later told me about it). Apparently he said, "Is Jess a feminist or something? She totally bit my head off."

So, I know it was completely over his head why I felt the need to make the "hun" stuff stop. That's why I try my hardest not to just say something that completely blinds them. I'd like to turn these incidents into educational moments. It doesn't always work...usually when I tell men not to call me pet names, I get the nervous, "Oh, okay," and they stop (though they may talk about me later on), or they look completely bewildered, raise their voices, and accuse me of having PMS (like a customer at B&N who called me "betty." But I got his ass banned from the store for that). I find that if I'm going to be so mad over it that I don't sleep that night, I'd rather just make the demand for respect.

Oh, wow - I just wrote a blog post about this very issue! I agree that context is important in calculating the Creep Factor.

Today, a male client was speaking to me on the phone and called me 'sweetheart.' Not feeling amused, I asked, "Sweetheart?" and he laughed and replied, "Oh hon, don't be cold!" Then he remarked that I have a 'great voice.' Ugh.

In the future, I hope to react with something more than a sputter.

I usually don't mind the honeys, since most of the time they come from friends and family. But if a stranger, or someone I have a strictly professional relationship with, calls me babe, then we've got a problem. Terms of endearment are for those dear to you, not passing acquaintances.

Though once I held open the door at Burger King for this old lady, and she called me dear. That was just adorable.

I work in a construction shop at a theatre, and have a bizarre old scottish man as my boss. We have a strong friendship, and I think he feels a bit of a fatherly instinct towards me, and it's no secret I'm his favorite. However, because I mostly work with men, and I'm often head of the crew I'm on, I make a point of not standing for nicknames from anyone. Near the end of the year my boss started refering to me as "Claire baby" or something equally unsavory. So I simply stand at the other side of the shop and yell across "That's not my name" until he calls me my proper name. I find that to be the most effective message. There are some men you simply can't turn the demeaning nickname trick on, so simply not responding until they call you by your real name is the next best option.

What is the gender-appropriate equivalent of dude? Obviously dude is not always appropriate for an established professional relationship, but as a non-diminutive, non-endearment (now there's an interesting word in this context) it works just fine for someone holding the door.

"Is he just unaware of boundaries? Is it because he is an older male with authority and feels like he can get away with it?"

I have a question: I have this math teacher whom I'm really fond of but every so often he'll address the girls in our class (just the girls) as "tiger", "ace", "squirt" and kiddo. Should I say something?