Hi anglerfish,

How frustrating for your friend. My heart goes out to her -- having seen some of my friends struggle through divorce, I know it's bad enough on its own without the creepy stalker angle thrown in for good measure.

I'm not a criminal attorney, but here are my thoughts for what they're worth. Also keep in mind it could make a big difference which jurisdiction she's in. Different states have very different laws about these kinds of things -- I hope for her sake she's in a state with laws friendlier to women dealing with problematic partners.

As for going through her mail/voicemail, it depends. I am pretty sure that if a letter is addressed only to her and comes to her via the USPS, it is illegal for him to tamper with it. Now, in practice family members often open each other's mail, so practically speaking this one is going to be a little harder to deal with.

As for the cell phone, she should check her agreement with the cell phone provider. Did she sign it alone herself, or jointly with her husband (or did he sign it alone)? If it is a joint account, unfortunately, he probably does have the right to access her messages. If I were her, I would contact the provider immediately and either transfer the number/phone to a different, separate account to which he does not have access (again, unfortunately if it's joint she may have to change her number to do this), or see if they have a voicemail forwarding service of some sort that would store her voicemails somewhere besides her phone, so she could check them but he couldn't.

As for how to use that information, it is never legal to stalk someone, no matter how much or how little information you've gotten about that person. And no, being married definitely does not suspend your privacy rights (although, again, the extent to which a state defines an individual privacy right is going to depend on how willing that state is to recognize individual freedoms).

As for her options, if he is stalking her to make sure she doesn't associate with any males other than him, that sounds to me like the sort of thing that would merit a temporary restraining order. Now, the problem with this solution is that it's likely only going to piss him off, and once the TRO expires, if she isn't able to get a longer-term injunction based on the stalking charge, she could be dealing with the possibility of a very angry, emotionally unstable ex who is free to get to her any way he likes.

I would suggest she find the nearest domestic violence/women's shelter and seek advice from one of their social workers or attorneys. It sounds like she's in a really frightening situation and the people at these centers are experienced and equipped to help women fending off violent or potentially violent men in their lives. I wish her (and you) luck!

I'm definitely not qualified to give legal advice, so I second The Law Fairy on finding a nearby shelter and/or seeing if there's free legal aid services attached to your local family court. Also, if I learned anything working in supervised visitation, it's: document everything. Every creepy, inappropriate, potentially illegal thing he does. Buy a spiral notebook, and anytime he does something note the date and time and any details that might be useful. It may not stand up in court, but it will make your friend seem methodical and rational to the judge. Good luck to both of you!

What you're describing sounds like internet stalking, which is a crime. Your friend can file charges, and her husband can do jail time and pay fines (I'm not sure how much jail time or how big the fines would be, though).

Tell her to keep copies of any e-mails or text messages he sends her. Keep copies of everything. Keep a log of every incident she thinks is shady.

Please keep us posted on her situation.