when I think about trying to communicate why my identity as a woman is authentic and valid, my first impulse is to talk about how hard it was growing up and struggling with this. I'm still reeling from it. I'm reeling from my transition too - from being identified as male and now female and then times when I have to exist inbetween. I feel like I'm shaking inside. There is anxiety and a tenseness and some part of me thinks that if I tell this story about how hard my experience, just over and over again, that at some point it will get through... and while I want to do this I knot that this isn't the way.
I remember reading patrick califia-rice's sex changes and in the new introduction there being a line about how he didn't feel like he could totally identify as a man because he didn't know how other men felt. At the time, and this only when I just started accepting that I was trans, I thought... oh my god, he's right. how do I know what other women feel like, how can I be honest and say I am a woman and feel obligated to put trans before it. Then I read Julia Serano's Whipping girl. There she said that while she didn't know how other girls felt, she certerainly didn't know how other boys did... and I stopped feeling like my identity was solely based around being trans.
I certainly have no idea what it is like growing up being born and raised as a girl I also don't know what it is like to be born and raised male and identifying as such. I only no what its like being me and while I will not try to compare our childhoods or deny that I recieved privilages for being precieved as male, I don't want to be condesecending towards another's expericene, but I would like people to telling me what my childhood was or who I am because of it. You don't what its like to be me either. You might not even know what its like to be a lot of the people who were born and raised female. I do not believe that anyone would be able to understand women's experience from my life alone. Obviously the picture is bigger than that. But I feel like I have my part.
Today, most days I am identified as female. Most days, if they don't look at my license too closely... or my ankles too closely... or my shoulders too closely.... or my hairline. Most days. Some days I'm not and this reminds me of the difference and privileges that come with being identified female rather than male-bodied and in women's clothing. I try so hard not to be identified as trans in public because I know that there is a difference and that people treat me with more respect and more human dignity as a woman than as...not that, but still... either way, this is the kind of stuff that trans people need to talk about. We also need to talk about sexism and homophobia and all the things that we can be connected too by those who view us.
As much as I want to talk about the past I think that it is more useful to talk here about my present and if we frame the arguement this way there will be trans-inclusion soon.
This is a cliche and small, but it is something I experienced... one time I was at a library and this older guy came up and kept giving me movie recommendations. I kept telling him that I'd seen the movie and then provide more knowledge about the making then he knew, but he continued to make recommendations of movies that I had already seen. This is a little event all things considered, a little more important than realising that guys would hold the door for me more often and less important than women that I don't really know reaching out and touching my shoulder or arm, but it still happened.
Another time recently I was juggling (because I'm cool like that) in a park by myself under a bunch of trees. A guy came over and sat behind me under the same tree and in the same shade that I was juggling in. It was awkward for me because he sat behind me. I didn't want to turn around and continue juggling because sitting behind me made me feel uncomfortable and I didn't want to encourage him in this by performing my circus trick for him. If he had approached me from the front I probably would have shown him a couple of my moves, but... So I continued facing forward for the next five or ten minutes, doing my thing because I also didn't want to feel like I had to stop what I was doing because of him. He left eventually and he seemed nice-ish and not so much english speaking, but he gave me a thumbs up... so maybe I didn't know what was actually going on, but I feel like I had some kind of experience that some how relates to my identity and experience as a woman. I'm not even really sure what I'd call this and you might think its insignificant and hardly comparable to all of your years... but I just turned twenty-seven and I'm hoping that I have a lot of years ahead of me and... I don't know.
(i'm experiencing a moment of anxiety putting this out there, because now its free and open for people to decide if I actually had an experience as a woman.)
I had to go to an urgent care recently. I was at work, but a toe on my left foot hurt so much that it felt like I was walking on glass. So I left and went to an urgent care. I couldn't bring myself to mark the box labeled male, but I gave them my license and I told them exactly what medications I was taking.
Nurse: are you taking these for some sort of female bone issue.
Me (awkward and hesitantly): yeah, something like that.
This was a trans moment that I experienced. I was too afraid to reveal my trans identity because I did not want to be treated less then a normal patient. I didn't lie exactly, I withheld and to protect myself so that I don't have to deal with snickering or weird looks, and watching doctors and nurse who should understand that I am in no contagious taking a step back. It also means that I will now have to call the insurance company to explain why my forms are all wonky.
I was also afraid when a police pulled me over for tailight and so many other times and I feel like my experiences as both trans and as a woman are building every day and I feel like my identity is the same as it always, just my experience my authentic.
I'm tired now and need to go to bed, got a paper to write tomorrow.
I may revise this later, I now i'm definetly coming back to it... but... okay.
goodnight.
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Cara, thanks you.
Hey Cara,
Just wanted to send you a short note of encouragement. Just remember to identify yourself as YOU, what makes you beautiful... you don't always have to make things black/white, male/female... find the things that you enjoy and love that make you feel beautiful and REALLY YOU and embrace that. Thanks for sharing your heart. I wish you the best.
I just want to say thank you, Cara, for being brave and sharing your experiences with us.
what they said.
also? people Do Not get to decide if you actually had an experience as a woman. that is 100% up to you to decide. you live your life, and you are the expert on your life, and no one has the right to tell you what your lived experiences are. if you feel like he was checking you out because you're a woman and it made you uncomfortable, then even if that wasn't his intention, your feelings are still real.
hang in there, Cara, and thanks for having the courage to put this out there.