One of my very good friends got home a few weeks ago after living abroad for two years.  This friends had helped me through an extremely emotionally abusive relationships, and so his homecoming forced me to revisit that time in my life.  I've been lost in thought about the experience for a few days, and thought writing about it might help me wade through it all.

Despite the nearly two years that have elapsed since the end of this abusive relationship, I still feel incredibly hurt and sad at what happened.  To give you a very brief idea of the nature of the relationship, I'll say that for the duration of the relationship I was called a fucking bitch, a manatee (I weighed about 115 pounds...), and a fucking psycho on a regular basis.  My friends were his friends, and they joined this person in his abuse, completely isolating me.  After a year and a half, a very good friend helped me to gather the courage to leave the relationship.  In a way, I believe she saved my life.

Leaving, however, was not the answer to my problems.  It was simply a first step on a very long and difficult journey.  The verbal and emotional abuse had a lasting impact on my life - clearly, I still battle these demons today.  Looking back, I continue to feel confused and appalled at how this person treated me.  It is beyond comprehension.  As someone who has suffered a sexual assault, I can honestly say the verbal abuse I endured in this relationship has left the more serious scars.

What hurts the most, though, is my sense of loss.  I opened my heart and soul to this person, and offered it up to him with a warmth and sincerity that he summarily slaughtered.  Not only did he rob me of my childlike innocence, my trust, and my faith in humanity, but he scored me for those things.  He mocked me for my sweetness and pitied me for my joy.  He scorned and disdained me for the very qualities that made me beautiful.  He so completely tore me apart that by the time I left, I was a mere shell.  I had completely collapsed.

And for whatever reason I can't seem to stop mourning for that person.  I don't even feel like that person was me; it's almost like the sadness I would feel for a dead child.  It's completely surreal, almost as if the pain is too intense, and so I have to disassociate and feel sad for this other person, because if I acknowledged that the person was me, I'd have a meltdown.

It's been two years, and I can happily say that I'm about 180 degrees away from the place that I was then, even on bad days when I'm thinking about the past.  I felt like it was important to give voice to my experience today as a way of honoring myself as well as survivors of abuse in all its forms.  It's a part of my healing process, I suppose.

So, for anyone out there who is experiencing emotional or any other kind of abuse know this:  I believe you.  I hurt for you.  And you do deserve better.

1

You recommended

4 Comments

August 20, 2008 9:51 AM

[0+]  Tokidoki said:

First, I want to say I'm so sorry you went through that. It's awful how much people can hurt others and get away with it. You're so strong for getting out of that relationship!

I just left my abusive (and first) relationship a few months ago. It lasted 2 whole years and I still blame myself for staying that long. I wanted to help him and opened up to him, so he took advantage of that. He sexually assaulted me many times and emotionally abused me. To be honest, it's the emotional abuse that hurts the most sometimes. I'm still REALLY dissociative but am starting to overcome that. I lost my friends as well...most believed him over me, and I still have 1 more year of school with them.

I'm sorry for babbling on about myself, but I just wanted to say I can relate and let you know you helped someone. Thank you for writing this. I really needed it today. I hope this message reaches others struggling after or while in an abusive relationship.

I  Liked  Liked this comment  |  Reply |

August 20, 2008 10:29 AM

[0+]  rootedwillow said:

I'm so sorry to hear about that. I went through something similar. My boyfriend's friends(guys and girls) talked about me behind his back for an entire year. They called me crazy and said I was too attached to him. Then I got pregnant and all of them had something to say to me about how stupid I had been about getting pregnant. I had an abortion and of course everyone knew, they even told other people. I wasn't fat or ugly but they convinced me I was. I wasn't asocial or unfriendly, but they convinced me I was. My boyfriend eventually realized how they were treating me and decided to get rid of them as friends. We are still together but I have yet to get over that pain.

I send you an internet hug and I hope you can overtime learn to love yourself even better.

I  Liked  Liked this comment  |  Reply |

August 20, 2008 8:08 PM

[0+]  caiis said:

I'm sorry that you had to deal with all that. I have had similar experiences to you in the past, and this post really struck home with me. Best wishes for your continued healing and self love.

I  Liked  Liked this comment  |  Reply |

August 20, 2008 8:57 PM

[0+]  Courtney Stoker said:

I have gone through something similar with my father, and there was time when I also felt as though I was grieving for someone else, that child that I was.

There are few things more terrible than being betrayed by someone you trust entirely. Thank you for this post.

I  Liked  Liked this comment  |  Reply |

Leave a comment

Comments (You may use HTML tags for style)