I am the Bad Girl Next Door.
My hair is not a color found in nature. I have had more metal pierced through my skin than some battle cruisers. My tattoos don’t feature flowers, pixies or iconography of Jesus Christ. My wardrobe features very few trendy pieces; I have never owned a pair of leggings or hot pants. My lingerie is not color-coordinated. My make-up is not caked on to hide my natural complexion, alter my imperfect features or disguise my ethnicity. I refuse to stand in the mirror calculating the how far from the Golden Ratio my facial features fall and ruminating on the types of plastic surgery that would correct their imbalance. I danced barefoot at my prom.
I don’t make polite conversation well. I have no problem disagreeing with the political ideologies of others. I make bad jokes and still think I’m funny. I can honestly say I don’t know how to flirt. I don’t care if you have money and I certainly plan to spend my own and not yours anyway. On occasion, I pay. I speak up when you use racial slurs, ethnic puns or make no-taste fat jokes. I do not laugh off any suggestion that I do any certain thing or act any certain because “I am a woman”. I am the first to answer questions in class. I do not back down when I know I’m right. I listen because I want to, not because I’m placating you to boost your ego.
Cosmo is not my bible; in fact, I don’t read anything featuring the airbrushed, wind-blown tanorexic female “elite” of the moment. I could understand how all housewives might feel “desperate”. I aspire to a career and to love. I want to examine the issue of reproduction rather than just do it because it’s expected. I have high expectations of myself and those around me. I don’t threaten other girls for talking to my boyfriend. I am fiercely loyal.
You might call me the “Bad Girl” next door.
I don’t pre-plan the ending of first dates. I have never had aspirations of becoming an underwear model. I have spent zero time in tanning beds. My self-worth does not revolve around my popularity. I don’t wait three days to call. I can spend hours on the phone talking about nothing at all. I like spending time with myself- alone. I go to movies by myself so that I can lose myself in the story; I go with friends so that we can gossip about the cute love scenes afterwards.
Metallica is on my playlist. So is N*Sync. I couldn’t tell you what songs are currently popular on the radio or on music television. I refuse to believe that the most exciting moment of my life is when my father walks me down the aisle. I also don’t need my father to “give me away”. I don’t wear t-shirts advertising myself as the next “Mrs.” anybody. I am not a commodity. You cannot sell me something just because it’s pink. I don’t have to fake being nice and I don’t feel the need to apologize every time I’m not. Sometimes, I stay out past my bedtime and sometimes I don’t stay out at all. I am not waiting for you to call.
I really like to eat and will order a full meal when I go out to dinner. I order pizza for myself. I haven’t “learned to like” beer so men will find me more accessible. In fact, I don’t find my solace in the bottom of a cold keg. I’m not going to pretend to have your interests. I have my own. I don’t spend my days lamenting the fact I was born without a penis or wondering what I would do with one if I was. I find sex enjoyable as well. I am not a tease. Please, go out with your friends and let me do the same! I am building a life, not waiting until someone comes along and invites me into theirs.
You probably think I’m “cool” although I’m fairly sure that term only refers to those people who have no reservations about being themselves- quirks and all. You quietly envy my ballsiness, brazenness and gusto. You covet my opinions and my pastimes. You note my awkwardness, my genuine confusion, and my constant introspection. You loathe the way I don’t play your games.
I am found in every neighborhood. I am not exotic and mysterious and long-legged and foreign. I do not self-identify as any as “Goth” or “emo” or “punk” or “prep”. I cry when I get my heart broken, have no magic fix for rejection and still giggle when I’m in love. I get dirty. I play to my strengths and accept those limitations I cannot correct. I am the female in front of you in the grocery line, changing my tire on the side of the road, the one sitting- lost in the stacks- of the library, the one you over look because you can’t immediately place me.
I am fine being a walking contradiction. I don’t consider myself a hypocrite as I am taking time to find, and like, myself. And, though I am young, I hate the connotations that come with calling me “a girl”. In fact, I hate the connotations that come with almost every gendered-notion you have about me. I don’t think of myself as good and pure nor as sexy and bad. I’m not here to change your life nor to plan it. I haven’t been taught to settle. I have my own dreams, my own ideas and my own voice. I am impressive and my character cannot be compromised.
But, most of all, I’m a “bad girl” because I reject the notion that girls can only be one of two things: good or bad. I don’t have to be anything for you to try to understand me. I am not following the model of any female before me. I refuse to let you verbally squeeze me into a predefined mold. I just am and I prefer it that way.
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Right on!
Simply amazing. One of the best posts I have seen all week.
Love that you categorized yourself in 'Bad-Ass Women'. Awesome.
Well, if i don't think i'm bad-ass, who else is going to?
Fuck ya! You just made my monday morning that much better.
Fuck ya!! You just made my monday morning that much better.
Fuck ya!! You just made my monday morning that much better.
:-D
Loved it! I'm about 80-90% of these things, and I'm still seen as a goodie goodie. Interesting...
Well, frau_sally_benz, the point I was hoping to make is that the way women are labeled- good or bad- is completely asinine and ridiculous. you said you were about 80-90% of the description and yet you are "good". So, what is so good about you? The 10-20% difference? Your demeanor? Your public image? If you agree with 90% of who I am and I am bad and you are good- then the very idea of the "good" girl or the "bad" girl clearly don't prove a point other than to give women a way to act "properly". this is the myth I'm hoping to dispel.
Gawd, that sounds pretty much like me. Thanks for the great manifesto, and for exploring the terms "girl" and "bad". Well-done, indeed.
Looking at a few relationships I've ended, though... the phrase I’m not here to change your life nor to plan it should have been quoted more often. Disturbingly true.
Thanks for making my Monday morning so much better.
Isn't your interest in Metallica and N*Sync merely a reflection of your age? As is your disdain for currently popular songs. So you must be like 40 or something? And still talking about dating and reading Cosmo? That's kind of pathetic, isn't it?
Everything you write seems aimed at men. Their opinions of you seem to matter. Why?
this is the best thing ever posted to the community blog.
Not that it's relevant, but I'm 25. I think half of this post is aimed at men- but could also be aimed at queer women. Clearly, it's aimed at whatever my dating preference is. However, I believe that often men need more education in feminist-friendly theory than women, although this certainly isn't true.
The meat of the article, so to speak, is aimed at those people who cannot seem to accept without attacking, redefining, confining, or belittling. The post may have half of its concept aimed at the men in the world who just don't get it, but, then again, the other half is clearly necessary for the women of the world who, by demonstrating their disdain, feel the same.
oh man, this rocks! i'ma print this out and tape it to my bathroom mirror.
@lilith
im not really getting what's so pathetic about talking about dating at the age of forty? (or at the age of 80 or 90 for that matter).
I am as happy to read this as I am to read the comments of the people who identify with it. Truly. Fucking. Great.
Lilith,
I don't think you really got the point of the article. And why such a nasty, sarcastic tone? While we all have different opinions, you just seem intent on belittling.
Lilith--
I'm twenty and there are people my age who like Metallica and Nsync and despise current music. I'm not one of them, but I adore Nirvana, The Beatles, Bikini Kill, and several other defunct bands (nevermind that I'm not even sure if Metallica is 'defunct' yet; and various members of Nsync are still in the news or making music)...and I haven't listened to 'Top 40' radio in years. My fifty-four year-old dad does, though. Age really has nothing to do with what kind of music you like.
Beautiful. Just breathtakingly beautiful.
I hesitated to respond to Lilith because her post indicates that she's either trolling for responses like mine or has only interacted with a 40-year-old woman in the form of telling her she's missing her homework. Nevertheless: I think the ability to transcend trends is an important aspect of maturity, so it's arguable that Lilith is also "showing her age." She'll probably understand this issue (and perhaps other things something.of.substance has already learned) about five years down the road when people assume she's, like, old or something because she still appreciates "currently popular songs" (like what, that Hannah Montana crap? Sorry, there goes my disdain).
I enjoyed the manifesta, though!
F**king ace.
Btw have you read 'bitch' by Elizabeth Wurtzel? I recently finnished it and it covers the whole 'bad girl' thing. Interesting read.
Very nice indeed. And I agree with the others - Lilith must be trolling. At least, I hope that's what it was and not...well, anything else.
then the very idea of the "good" girl or the "bad" girl clearly don't prove a point other than to give women a way to act "properly"
Yep, I totally hear ya! I would also take it one step further and say that because society changes and there are great differences across cultures, there will never be one way to be good or bad or even something in between. Something I do in NY today that makes me "good" might be completely unaccepted in London, say, 20 years from now. It's absolutely ridiculous.
So beautiful. It is so true that simply being human automatically makes you a "bad girl". I sent this to all my friends and family and had several men respond and say how great it was to read. Definitely going on my wall.
Right on!!!
Speaking of Cosmo: this is from a Facebook post I did
Smilin an pleasin massah: women as house slaves in Cosmo headlines
Here's a selection - feel free to post your own examples and parallel:
"Decipher every move your man makes. You can gauge crucial information with a simple glance at him. By picking up on the subtle nonverbal messages he's sending, you'll discover tons of clues about his personality and how he really feels about you."
- Cosmo, summer 2008
"In Uncle Tom's Cabin, Harriet Beecher Stowe (when talking about "pure slaves")... described their 'tendency to repose on a superior mind and rest on a higher power.'"
- James O. Horton, wilsoncenter.org
Tactics used in creating the "perfect slave": "To implant in the slave a sense of personal inferiority... and awe the slave with a "sense of the slave-owner's enormous power" so the slave would "stand in fear"...'
- A Turbulent Voyage: Readings in African American Studies, Floyd W. Hayes II - part IV: Discovering the Meaning of Black Identity: Psychic Dimensions of Oppression.
------
"Do guys think you have girlfriend potential? This quiz will reveal if you're sabotaging yourself."
- Cosmo headline, summer 2008
"A good slave, like a good wife... was one who did not become masculine or rebellious... he or she, never outgrowing dependence, would thus retain a master's fondness forever."
- James O. Horton, op. cit., explaining the views of pro-slavery advocate George Fitzhugh
"(A slave owner was counselled to) 'attempt to persuade the bondsman to take an interest in the master's enterprise and to accept his standards of 'good conduct' '... thus the slave owner sought to train slaves to accept unquestioningly his value system or criteria of what was good and true and beautiful."
- A Turbulent Voyage, op. cit.
----
"Sex Tips from Guys - their all-time favorite mattress moves, revealed"
- Cosmo, summer 2008
"A black mother taught her daughter... to seem accommodating and tractable to the slaveholder, smiling and ready to please..."
- Little Known Facts about Slavery, website - www.theblackmarket.com
"I been cooking out for white people since I was nine years old. I am a good cook they all tell me and I tries to be clean with my cooking."
- interview with Mary Mays West, Widener, Arkansas, age 65
@melloncollie
I haven't read "Bitch". I was put off by the half-naked "surprised" looking girl on the cover. The voyeurism-style cover shot alone was enough to make me think that this book was published more for pop culture than for real change. It's sad, but any book worth its weight in Feminism is never popular in its immediate time. Maybe one day that will change, but probably not without inappropriately young and exposed cover art.
I based this "manfiesta" off of a larger piece I'm currently writing. It stands alone and I, since the last date I went on ended abruptly because I was deemed not a "good" girl for nothing more than my opinions, I was fairly fired up by this- the last in a long line of expectations of my character.
I have a slightly updated version of this piece on my website: somethingofsubstance.wordpress.com
I also have a piece called "No Girls Allowed?" that covers women-perpetuated anti-feminism. fun stuff if you're interested in something that doesn't have a provocative title. :)
You're my new hero.
@Lilith and the OP:
I didn't really take it to be aimed specifically at men or queer women. I felt like it was a statement in opposition to the dominate culture. Both men and women participate in the labeling and boxing up of 'deviant' women, and I thought it was a kinds of "fuck you" to patriarchy in general... just a pronouncement of individuality, humanity and the inherent neutrality in that. Anyways, loved the post. It was a little breath of fresh air.
Fantastic. Offered a bright beginning to my day. :)
awesome! I think you said it all. so a woman's a " bad girl" if she IS REAL and true to herself!
"I really like to eat and will order a full meal when I go out to dinner."
FUCK YES. I don't know how many times I've heard young women say they don't like to eat in front of boys. Are they afraid of giving the impression that they... eat? Because I'm pretty sure that no guy is stupid enough to believe you live off air and protein water.