When I was in my early twenties, my mom tearfully confessed to me that she'd had an abortion while my brothers and I were still relatively young. When she told me, she said that she hadn't said anything before then because she didn't want me to think worse of her for having had it done. I cried when she begged me not to hate her for it. And I cried knowing that she needlessly carried around such guilt for so long.
She and my father were still married at the time, though they divorced a few years afterwards, when I was 10. And three years after that, he passed away. My parents had a rocky marriage; from what I understand, there was already talk of separation when my mom had her abortion. My dad was diabetic, and had recently had one of his legs amputated below the knee, in addition to the two fingers he had already lost due to mismanagement of his disease. So he was on partial disability at this point as well, straining family finances further. (In fact, they declared bankruptcy during their divorce - and to my mother's credit, she paid it off compeltely herself, in record time, while working a full time job and retaining full custody of three children. I can't tell you how much she rocks my world.) I was the eldest of three children; I had two younger brothers, one of whom was still in day care. My other brother had severe emotional and behavioral problems that my parents were seeking counseling for, in addition to the marital counseling they were in for themselves.
So when my mom explained all of this to me, I told her I understood, she had no reason to beg my forgiveness, and that she made the best decision she could have given the circumstances. I told her that I absolutely supported abortion rights, and that more than anything, I was angry that she felt judged for making a choice regarding her own body and the future of her family, especially when she had carefully taking into consideration the resources she had available to her at the time.
She made the decision to have an abortion because:
- She knew her marriage was already failing. She did not want to bring another child into a marriage where there were already existing children that needed their parents time and attention.
- She knew that she was the main wage earner in the family, and that taking time off for pregnancy and a post-partum period had the potential to put us in the poorhouse.
- She knew that she already had one small child in daycare, and paying for another to attend would have been beyond her means. She could not bring home the money the family needed to survive if she also had to be responsible for full childcare. And my father, being physically disabled, was in a hard position to care for a young child and an infant at home by himself.
- She had a son with severe mental health issues. The time and money spent on his therapy and medication, as well as his day-to-day care, meant there were fewer resources at her disposal to care for an infant. She could not bring herself to sacrifice the level of care for one child in order to handle another.
- She knew the family was hurting for money. My dad was only working part time, and his disability benefits did not do much else outside of helping to pay for groceries. And even if he had quit to take on child care duties, his benefits would not have increased and my parents would have lost the additional money his part time job brought in.
- She considered the children she already had, and the fact that we needed whatever time, money, and effort she had to spare. She knew her responsibilites didn't end at just providing for us; she took us to our after-school activities, had us involved at church, and was a Boy Scout leader for my brother and a soccer coach for me. Having another child would have taken away time required to maintain those commitments.
I am so proud of her for making a hard decision, even in light of all the good reasons she had for doing so. To this day, she thinks it was one of the hardest decisions she's ever made. I am ashamed that she felt so judged, for so long, that she did not confide in anyone about her feelings until it all came out to me one night. I resent the steretype of abortion seekers as promiscuous young girls using abortion as a birth control method; I know that my mother probably much more closely resembles your typical abortion patient than the media and anti-choice activists would like you to think.
And further more, I am furious that pro-life politicians and activists would rather offer condemnation than viable alternatives to abortion. If they were truly committed to ending abortion, they would provide acces to affordable child care, guarantee families a way to feed, house, and clothe their children, and make sure that adequate medical care was available for young children. I know that even had all of those outside resources been available to my mom at the time, she still had the right to choose as she did. It was her body, her family, and her self-autonomy at stake, and therefore, her choice alone.
My mom has long since made peace with her decision. She knew it was the right one, and a good one for her at the time. That didn't make it easy for her, though. She felt guilty for years afterward, even though she could logically explain to herself all the reasons she had for doing it. I suspect more than a few abortion patients feel that way. So in addition to my anger at the people that would judge my mom rather than offer sincere help, I am sorry that she had no community to turn to in her time of need. There was no one to say, you did the right thing, we love you anyway, thank you for thinking of the family you already had. I am so, so sorry that many of the abortion patients out there right now have no one to turn to either. I think a large part of the emotional trauma connected to her abortion resulted for the isolation she felt afterwards, not the abortion itself. How hard is it to hold your head up, thinking that people are judging you for what you have done and not caring for reasons why you did so?
Because of my mother's story, and the stories I have come across since then, I remain committed to women's sexual health and reproductive rights. Abortion has a face for me - that of the mother I love and resemble so much. And I have seen first hand the reason why we need to keep abortion safe and legal. I will fight so that if I or my daughters ever need to make the same decision, we have the right to do so at the time of our choosing and for the reasons we decide. My mother may have had an abortion, but she's not an abortion survivor. She's a survivor, period. Here's to you mom, and all the other women that have walked your path. We fight for you, now and every day.
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Thanks, what a wonderful post. Many people don't humanize abortion stories since women who have abortions are to ashamed to share their stories.
About half of women who seek abortions in the United States are already mothers. This is important to remember. They know better than any anti choice politician what it would be like to bring a new child into their current situations.
My mother had a similar experience shortly after divorcing my father. She got pregnant by a boyfriend who happened to be a cokehead and after kicking him out of the house made a similarly difficult decision to carry the pregnancy to term and give it up for adoption. She made this decision for a lot of the same reasons that your mother made hers: her child (moi) needed her love and attention, and she couldn't afford another child; my father was also having a child with his new wife and she didn't want me to be forgotten by both of her parents. The reason she went with adoption instead of abortion was because she had had an abortion when she was much younger and it scarred her emotionally.
My mother believes in abortion rights, of course, she just couldn't do it again for her own reasons; but she nevertheless understands that some women have their own reasons to terminate a pregnancy and believes that's their business. (Admittedly, however, my mother is also overly-penitent and was a Catholic at the time.)
Good for your mother for doing what she had to do to take care of herself and her family. She should know that the people who matter wouldn't think less of her for doing that.
For every story like this one, there is another daughter whose mother has suffered pain and regret over her abortion, and whose daughter has mourned the loss of her precious sibling. My mother had an abortion when she was 15, and never regretted it until recently. Today, she has helped me through my best friend's experience with pregnancy, and has been a loving advocate for choosing life, which is always the most caring decision for the child. Nobody regrets having their children once they get to see them face to face; but many, like my mother, are left with deep scars from the pain of abortion.
As for all the pro-lifers who don't support children who have been born, I haven't seen them. After being heavily involved in the pro-life movement both at my college and outside, almost every person I have met in that movement is dedicated to providing support for mothers with young children. At school, they get up early and spend their entire Saturday once a month collecting thousands of diapers for underprivileged mothers in the District of Columbia. Incidentally, the center that distributes these diapers along with formula, baby clothes, toys and information about government programs like WIC is funded in part by bills passed by those pro-life politicians who you say don't care. Without that funding, thousands of women would not be helped, and five women would not be able to live in the shelter run by the same center. Similar non-profits that exist solely to help underprivileged mothers with material needs all over the country. And guess what? Every single one is pro-life.
Pro-life activists are, in fact, the ONLY ones who devote their time to building up such support networks. I have challenged pro-choice friends in the past to find a non-profit that supports young mothers in a similar way that is pro-choice; none have succeeded.
Abortion has a face for me, too: my mother who suffers from regret and the wonderful child she lost; and my best friend's child, who I view as my niece because my friend and I are so close, and who, incidentally, is scheduled to have her heart stopped at 11 am tomorrow. I will wait in her mother's house, unable to protect a child I already love and care for.
"Nobody regrets having their children once they get to see them face to face;"
How can you be so sure of that? Not every child is instantly loved and cherished just because a mother sees its face. I don't see the good of putting unwanted children into the world. It makes me so sad to see unwanted and neglected children.
I think for so many things we just need to be less judgmental and let people decide what is best for them. It seems the worse part of getting an abortion, as was mentioned, would be feeling the shame society tries to make you feel and knowing you could only talk to certain people about it and not really knowing how people would react when hearing about it.
"Today, she has helped me through my best friend's experience with pregnancy, and has been a loving advocate for choosing life, which is always the most caring decision for the child."
There is no such thing as a "loving advocate" who tries to rob women of their bodily autonomy.
I respect that your mother and perhaps others you know have experienced regret about terminating their pregnancies. Everyone has a right to their own personal experiences and to cope with it however they need to.
However, there are all sorts of decisions that are made during one's lifetime that many may come to regret. I certainly have regrets about some of my larger life decisions. The difference between your thinking and mine is that you seem not to trust women to make their own decisions. Prefer to think of them as being adults with a say about their body and life choices.
theogirl: "government programs like WIC is funded in part by bills passed by those pro-life politicians who you say don't care... Pro-life activists are, in fact, the ONLY ones who devote their time to building up such support networks."
You mean the pro-life President whose fourth veto in his entire presidency was to deny poor children health care? Or all those other pro-life politicians who also voted against that bill? (Look up H. R. 976 to see if any of your favorite pro-life politicians are on there voting "nay" to health care for poor children...my bet is that most of them are.)
theogirl, I was in the same mindset as you about ten years ago. Please, for your own sanity and peace of mind, read this new article on abortion:
http://www.iht.com/articles/2007/10/12/news/12abortion.php
and this report by a well-respected research organization:
http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/fb_IAW.html
You see, it's not about shaming women into giving birth when they don't want to, it's about giving them as many options as possible, and trusting them to make their own choices (as LlesbianLlama already said, quite eloquently).
P.S. Forgot to say how much I love this post! :)
"Nobody regrets having their children once they get to see them face to face;"
Yes they do, they just can't bear to say it.
Here is an excellent and unbiased site for girls and women to post their abortion stories. Some regret it, some are fine with it, some are pregnant currently and waiting for their abortion or explain their decision to go through with the pregnancy. http://fwhc.org/stories/story1.htm
Theogirl, why do you anti-choicers claim that your views are he case ALL THE TIME? Anti-choicers claim that women always regret abortions, NEVER regret giving birth and can always give the child to a loving adoptive family. Yet pro-choicers admit that people are all different and what might be the right choice for one person isn't for another. You can't help what you feel about your friend's pregnancy, nor is it wrong to feel that way, but I hope you accept that these difficult choices are made because of reasons and circumstances which nobody but the woman in question can judge or understand.
Thank you for this post, Nikki L!
This chart from the Children's Defense Fund lists the Best & Worst U.S. Senators for Children. Unsurprisingly, the "pro-life" politicians have abysmally low scores, whilst the pro-choicers score relatively high. John McCain scored a 10% whilst Barack Obama scored 60%.
The politicians who vote to limit women's choices tend to also vote against helping children.
theogirl,
I don't think anyone disputes that it is tragic that your mother regrets her decision. I think what the anti-choice movement fails to appreciate though, is that all the evidence available suggests that making abortion illegal would not have made it notably less likely that your mother, or anyone else in her position, would have an abortion. Instead, it makes it more likely that your mother would have had an unsafe abortion. In a world without legalized abortion, women in your mother's position often end up losing their own lives, losing their fertility, being taken advantage of by shady "doctors", or any number of even more tragic circumstances. No one is glad that your mother faced an incredibly difficult decision and, in the end, made a decision that she regrets. I am glad, though, that her own life was not lost in the process of making that decision, as it likely could have been in the world anti-choice laws would create.
Nikki L,
I got wrapped up in responding to comments and forgot to say THANK YOU for this wonderful post. Thank you, thank you, and thank you.
fun fact according to freakonimics as soon as abortion became legal crime stats went down a couple years later. not sayin that was the root cause but interesting correlation.
Okay to the sad part. THIS IS WHY WOMEN/MEN HAVE A HARD TIME TALKING ABOUT ABORTION. BECAUSE IF WE HAVE FEELINGS ABOUT IT AUTOMATICALLY THE PRO-LIFERS WERE RIGHT. WRONG! I had an abortion and i think about it every day, but you know what I made the right decision. There are TOOOOO many unwanted, very much adoptable children who are NOT being adopted. I didn't want my future child to be being passed from home to home just so I can say I didn't have an abortion and i kept the fetus ALIVE. What would have been wrong is for me to have it and not OFFER it EVERYTHING i can including money, love, time etc and adoption was not a safe gamble for me. I know plenty of "adopted" kids and only one of the five I know is well adjusted and happy with their life. The other four always wonder why their mothers/fathers left them. I'm not saying adopted kids are messed up in any way I'm saying that adoption usually leaves a void within that child. It also causes extra pain for the mother/father. Again not saying adoption is bad, its an excellent way to help a child. But lets help the children that are already here and not put anymore into this world who will not be taken care of.
Thanks Nikki L for posting this! We need to hear more stories like this.
theogirl said:"Nobody regrets having their children once they get to see them face to face; but many, like my mother, are left with deep scars from the pain of abortion."
I know I shouldn't respond, but.....That is complete bullshit! What about Susan Smith or Andrea Yates?