I am a feminist. I am also a person who wears an engagement ring. And there've been numerous posts and books and commentary on how consumerist, anti-feminist, and generally terrible diamond engagement rings can be. These discourses have been nuanced and thoughtful, and I agree that everything that has been said about the negative aspects of the ring are true. And the commentary has made me think, and respectfully put forth into words why I am at peace with the ring I wear.
Yes, its a diamond. It is not a blood diamond, as warranted by the guy who sold it -but that doesn't mean it is not an oppressing diamond, a racist diamond, a diamond that was found by someone who died of a treatable, preventable disease, someone who died of poverty. I am pretty sure it is a poverty diamond. Show me one that isn't. Show me one piece of jewelry that at some point in its creation was not exploitative.
But it is also a love diamond, one that was researched and found by a tall string bean dork of a guy who got me something old-fashioned and also honored the ban against blood diamonds. It is the piece of compressed carbon that he placed in a small manila envelope and traveled across the Atlantic to meet me, burning in his pocket. It is the token of love that he fished out of that burnt pocket, that crumpled manila envelope and put on my finger on Millennium Bridge, on a rare sunny London afternoon two years ago today.
The whole ring thing, was something we chose - as opposed to blindly following the industry and society norms because we're both from South Asia - he's from India, and my parents are Sri Lankan. Traditionally, we don't do the engagement ring thing. My mother got some bracelets from my father. And a scarf I think? His parents had a whole engagement ceremony and since I had a version of it myself, I can only imagine that my mother in law also got a gorgeous sari and a necklace and some bracelets.
We are coming from traditions that bust out the gold at the drop of a hat, that had dowries in the past (at least in our families it was in the past), that are big into ceremonies and pageantry. So this private request, this small token, felt different and unique.
I seriously toyed with the idea of an engagement car. But when it broke down, as it eventually would, I'd be so sad. I've cried every time my family got rid of the family car (oh Mustang come back to me). But something that took eons to make, something that cannot be broken, was something that we decided to use. And it does not twinkle madly, it was cut in an age where quality not brilliance mattered. It is good people, this ring - it doesn't blind you, but its got deep down quality and character
He didn't need to ask, he didn't need to give anything to me. We hashed that out before. We had already even picked out the place we were going to marry. But he's a guy that lives like a carefree and thoughtless puppy dog, and putting feelings into words, the commitment into words, was a big thing for him, and something that was important to me that he do because I'm the word freak - I'm the one that needs to hear them, and see them written. And I fully admit, reason for the token, the ring, is partially because since I was little, I wanted one, heck, I love jewelry, and now, as an adult having put some thought behind it, I wanted something to commemorate the moment.
It is true that crass consumerism is a big facet of the diamond rings many girls wear. Competing with others, wanting, wanting big, wanting shiny, all those materialistic desires come into play. But as I was thinking about the industry and consumerism behind engagement rings ring I kept hearing in the back of my head this phrase my father used to say whenever I would beg for things and say "I want I want I want." He would say "tanhaya jayati soko " or, "wanting or desire begets sorrow." The full phrase is
Tanhaya jayati soko -- tanhaya jayati bhayam
Tanhaya vippamuttassa -- natthi soko kuto bhayam.
From craving arises grief, from craving arises fear;
To one who is free from craving there is no grief, no fear.
Excuse my digression into Buddhism, but when I think about this ring, I do recognize it is a thing, and that tanha, or desire for things, is what keeps me in the world of samsara, or illusion because we tie ourselves to material things, as opposed to living with loving kindness towards all, but desire for nothing - free from care and want.
I'm trying to be less materialistic, but I am not about to attain Nirvana in this lifetime. I desire my string bean - my tanha for him is intense. But the knowledge that the ring is just a material thing, helps me put it in perspective -- while I love the ring and it is quite beautiful, I know I will give it away one day -- I may pass it on to a family member or if we fall into a financial hole, I'll sell it. It does not matter as much to me as anything else.
I just wanted to share my thoughts and story to highlight that not all the rings you see are sparkling with consumerism -- some of those engagement rings you see are just gleaming of love. When I look at this ring on my finger, I don't see cut, clarity, or carat. I see memories -- the look in his eyes, the excited twittering of a couple of old English biddies who realized they were witnessing a proposal, my heart beating, his arms around me holding me a foot above the ground as I kissed him, and the sun beating on our hair as we laughed.
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Beautifully written, as a recently engaged person trying to reconcile the consumerist wedding industry with feminism and general social justice, this was wonderful to read. Thank you :)
Let's clear something up right now ladies (and gentleman, for that matter):
The following things DO NOT make you a traitor to feminism:
Accepting an engagement ring.
Getting married.
Having a large wedding.
Taking your husband's name.
Having children and/or quitting your job to stay at home and raise children.
What DOES make you a traitor to feminism is looking down your nose at those who choose NOT to do those things - to act as though you are better, more mature, or more successful than they are.
The important thing is that your consciousness has been raised. You have had the conversation. You know the score. Your ring does not define you.
Relax...and congratulations!
I have to echo RiSK here. Thank you for gracefully exploring this topic. As someone who also has a love diamond on her finger, thank you.
As a feminist who has literally threatened physical harm to any man who offers me a diamond ring (or even proposes), thank you for this post. I love being reminded that there are women out there who do traditional things without falling into patriarchal or consumerist traps. Congratulations on your love!
This made me cry. I'm recently engaged as well, and can totally understand the need to reason it out. While mine is an opal, not a diamond (personally don't like diamonds) it's still the same feeling of happiness and feeling a tiny bit guilty for having it.
Beautiful post. Congratulations to you! On a side note, the Millennium Bridge is my favorite spot in London; if I could pick any place to be proposed to it would be there.
Jayasinghe,
While I see no problem at all in you enjoying your engagement ring because you are enjoying it for mostly the right reasons (and yes, I understand living in samsara, whom among us can actually completely escape the clutch of materialism…), but did you at least offer your husband anything as his “engagement gift”? A similar ring perhaps or other gift?
That’s my only beef with the whole issue is that if a woman enjoys her engagement ring because it is a gift from a man she loves, no problems. But doesn’t the guy get a gift/ring too? Wouldn’t this make it more egalitarian and more feminist? I’m East Asian, and while I seriously doubt that if I ever get married I would get anything for getting engaged, the thought of the woman at least offering a similar gift seems more…balanced and fair somehow. I would actually feel pretty touched if that happened, as it is something abnormal, at least in my culture.
I hope your relative enjoys the ring as much as you do when you pass it on to her!
While it was a big deal for me to not have an engagement ring (I had an entire post about it, actually), I've always thought that it's a very personal choice and don't knock other people for choosing it.
My best friend point blank told me that while all of my reasons made complete sense, she still thinks they're beautiful and that they symbolize the next phase in the relationship. If that works for her, and for you, that's cool!
It's more the blind acceptance of "this is the way things are, so let me not even think about it" that bothers me.
Dear RiSK, taxgirl1, demimonde, Courtney Stoker, AbbieNormal and Frau Sally Benz:
Thank you all for your comments, your congratulations and sharing with me your diversity of experience and thoughts as well. I really feel part of a community, and I thank you for that.
Dear Kay: Same goes for you too, and I also wanted to add my Congratulations!!
Dear Timothy: You bring up an excellent point, and I totally agree – I did get the string bean an engagement gift. I wanted something that was me, and something he would wear often (he’s not a jewelry kind of guy) so I got him horseshoe cufflinks. I ride horses and he wears french cuffs to work. He was indeed touched, especially since, as you noted, it is totally unusual to get the guy something in our cultures or for that matter, most cultures. Thank you.
Congratulations to you too, RiSK!!!
(Oy! for omitting it in my prior comment)
That's just beautiful-I'm actually tearing up a bit.
For me, engagement rings are about history, and continuity. My mum's, my aunt's and my Nana's* engagement and wedding bands are very similar in style, and if I ever get married, I'd like rings that look the same. Okay, so maybe it's partly nostalgia, and tradition, but it isn't a tradition related to the men who gave the rings, but of the women who wear them.
*At least, until my aunt had them melted down and made into a really ugly ring. Did it never occur to her that Nana's granddaughters might like them? Grr. I'm still mad at her.
Wow, what a beautiful post. I want an engagement ring (when the time is right). But, I don't want a mined diamond. I found this website for engineered diamonds: http://www.diamondnexuslabs.com/ And as an engineer who has actually studied the material properties of the diamond, an engineered diamond has great appeal to me. It's fantastic because the engineered ones are chemically the same as "real" diamonds, which are mined. I also have some issues with the diamond industry, so this option is great for me.
Wow, what a beautiful post. I want an engagement ring (when the time is right). But, I don't want a mined diamond. I found this website for engineered diamonds: http://www.diamondnexuslabs.com/ And as an engineer who has actually studied the material properties of the diamond, an engineered diamond has great appeal to me. It's fantastic because the engineered ones are chemically the same as "real" diamonds, which are mined. I also have some issues with the diamond industry, so this option is great for me.
I'm really sorry if this comes off as a guilt trip, it's not intended that way but here goes:
All diamonds bought and sold either on the open market or black market (conflict diamonds) contribute to the value of "blood diamonds". The purchase of a "clean" diamond has an impact on the value of a "dirty" diamond, just not in the same marketplace.
Having aid that when I was engaged I did buy a diamond (even an antique has an effect on the price of all market diamonds). I just didn't know at the time that this was the case.
Now I'm much more in to other stones, mainly because with diamonds the value is not intrinsic. Diamonds are plentiful, rubies, emeralds, sapphires, etc are not.