So, Jen The Fem’s post from last week got me thinking about something that happened nearly a year ago but which I haven’t stopped thinking about since.
Last year, I occasionally accompanied my boyfriend (Zach*) to his Dungeons and Dragons games. D&D doesn’t particularly interest me; I went because I got along with a few of his friends in the group, they played at his college’s student center which has both an excellent bagel place and an excellent tea place, and I can read blogs on my laptop there as easily as I can in my dorm room. Plus it was always on Friday evenings, I spent the weekends at his apartment (45 minutes from my school) and as I didn’t have a car (my campus is small, and first and second-year students aren’t allowed to bring cars to campus if they’re living in the dorms), it was far easier for him to drive up around 4:00 than around midnight or later.
Last September 22nd I stopped caring about all of this. My sanity was far more important.
The Dungeonmaster of this particular group was a guy I’ll call Ferdinand*. Ferdinand*, a grad student in English with long hair in a ponytail, seemed like your typical cool hippie dude. But he was actually quite touchy and hard-to-please. His wife, Miranda*, (yes, I love Shakespeare) was a nice person, but he seemed to constantly pick at her and criticize her every action, from forgetting something important at their apartment (a half hour away, so it’s understandable that he’d be ticked off) to accidentally brushing up against him while walking by. (Personally, I enjoy it when my partner brushes against me.) And Miranda* wasn’t the only one he criticized, he also picked on the other women in the group: Tiffany* and Kim*. (I liked Tiffany*, a lot; I found Kim* slightly annoying but good in the long run.) Oh, and me. We were all physically smaller than him (though I was taller).
As for the boys, he did little to them. Zach’s* a giant, all the other dudes (Louis*, Wolfgang*, Asher*… and Wayne*) were bigger than Ferdinand*, at least. They were allowed to go on off-topic tangents and goof off whenever they wanted. Ferdinand* maintained control by exerting it over the people who he assumed would obey him, and didn’t worry about those he thought would give him any sort of problem.
Which was never a big problem…until that one day.
Wayne* was the one person in the group other than Ferdinand* who I totally, completely disliked. He offended every one of my sensibilities: belched without saying excuse me, squeezed past people without first asking them to move, and whined about absolutely everything. I don’t mean, “there’s so much sexism in the world! How will we ever create change and equality?” or even, “I have five tests in one day! I have no time to study!” No, I mean, “I dropped my pencil! There’s a hair in my mouth! My arm itches!” And he talked all the time . Misogynists who complain about ‘women who talk too much?’ Meet Wayne*. You’ll never complain about any woman again.
My opinion of Wayne* wasn’t universal, however. In fact, Zach* and Miranda* seemed to be the only ones who shared it. Kim* and Louis* seemed to downright love the dude.
And, well, he pissed me off. But there are many annoying people in the world. I wasn’t convinced he was actually a Bad Person until September 22nd .
When he decided to preface the group’s entry into a battle they were sure to win with a song he made up himself. A song that went, “it’s raping time it’s raping time it’s raping time.” Ad nauseum.
Now, I will put this plainly: I am a rape survivor. On September 18th , 2005, I was raped by my then-boyfriend. I was seventeen then, I’m twenty now. I have still not recovered fully, I’ve written quite a bit about my experience, and I’m seeing a therapist. My rapist was someone I loved, the experience was incredibly confusing, I didn’t come to terms with what had happened until months after the fact. And there were other factors in play at the time which impeded my recovery even more than ‘usual.’
So to have someone loudly singing about the joys of rape just days after the two-year anniversary of my experience was maddening. I was already fragile, he made it exponentially worse. Of course he didn’t know what happened to me. I wouldn’t trust Wayne* to hold my cup of tea for five seconds, never mind tell him about the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. But how anyone could be so privileged and obtuse that he couldn’t grasp that singing about rape could hurt someone—as our group certainly weren’t the only people in the room—astounds me.
Kim* and Louis* were laughing. Ferdinand* did nothing to stop him. Miranda* and Zach* were talking by themselves about their characters and Zach* says he didn’t hear. (He made a point of tuning Wayne* out…a privilege I envy him for.)
Me? I made use of my long legs and walked, as fast as I could, to the bathroom where I could cry in semi-private. It was after midnight, the game would be over sooner rather than later. Nobody watched me.
That same night I had joined in for one second (by saying, “me too!”) on a conversation about books that Louis* and Wayne* had been having for five minutes and Ferdinand* told me to shut up.
I stayed in that bathroom for twenty minutes.
When I emerged I wrote this for The Mind of Genevieve. It’s one of the angriest things to ever come from my fingers.
I never went there again.
Since then, I’ve returned to that scene and imagined it playing differently. Grabbing Zach* and saying, “let’s go.” Walking up to Wayne* and punching him, scratching him (I have rather long, natural nails), kicking him in the balls. Digging said nails into his neck and threatening him in my meanest voice. Maybe I’d invent some Irish Mafia relatives for good measure. Just telling him to shut up and fuck off. Or screaming, "white boy/don't laugh/don't cry/just DIE!" Channeling Kathleen Hanna is always fun.
But I didn’t do any of those things. And so Wayne* goes on, unchallenged, to hurt more women (and men), survivors, those who work with them, those who are close to them.
Ultimately I know I took care of myself. Ultimately I know I’m not responsible for Wayne’s* behavior. But I still wish I had done things differently.
This June I swore to myself that I will do this no longer. If I see or hear someone trivializing rape, I will call them on it.
But it’s going to be a difficult road.
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Sadly, I bet Wayne* is proud of himself for "not caring what anyone else thinks!!!" and I wouldn't be surprised if some parents in the neighborhood ask their sons to have him for a role model because he's a geek (see http://blogs.wsj.com/juggle/2008/08/01/should-you-try-to-raise-a-geeky-kid/ ).
Wow. I'm really sorry to hear that, Genevieve.
Innernet hugs!
Calling people on trivializing rape is hard, as a survivor, but it's even harder not to. I find.
Mina--
Oh, there are good geeks out there. I don't think it's bad to be one, but I have seen people jump fairly quickly from "I'm a geek and can't get laid because I don't really try" (which Wayne couldn't) to "I hate girls because they're shallow bitches."
And there's quite a bit of misogyny in some areas of 'geek culture.' But I'm not quite ready to condemn all geeks. (I don't identify as one myself, I used to before realizing that with my grades I'm actually more of a nerd.)
This is why it is so important for everyone - women and men- to call-out those who trivialize rape. It is hardest for those who are actually survivors, for if you get past the first 'hey, stop that' moment, it is often followed by 'what do you care?' This isn't story hour, assholes. When I've asked people to stop using expressions like 'that exam raped me,' I have gotten the lines 'it's just an expression' and 'well, no one has ever said anything about it to me before.' You have to love that logic, if no one has said anything to your face, that means its ok - and the person saying it's not ok can't present a valid opinion on the matter unless she confesses her most painful moments to you, someone who has already shown a complete lack of understanding.
Thanks for sharing this story.
I'm sorry you had such a horrible experience, but do realize that it doesn't reflect all of geek culture. Or even all of gamer culture. As a rape survivor and a Gamer Geek, I always tense up when I hear these stories. But, I don't doubt them in the least, because I've had my own confrontations with people over shit like that.
And honestly, most of the time when you point out that hey, this person over here that you see, talk to and interact with all the time is a rape survivor and how really horrible it is for them, a lot of the time they'll come around pretty quickly. Most men have the privilege of not having to think about rape, because it happens less frequently to their gender than ours. This is why a tool I've seen used in seminars is pretty useful. Ask them to list all the women in their life, then hit them with statistics about how many women are sexually assaulted on average, and them ask them how many of those women, statistically speaking, must have been assaulted at some point. It tends to shut them down pretty damn quick. Unless they just utterly suck. Then you get to write them off as the useless human being they are.
GeekGirlsRule--
Yes, I'm aware that not all gamer and geek culture is like this. I will never reduce people to their hobbies. Most of the people I hang out with are either geeks or nerds or both, and even in that group, well, you'll never hear me say anything bad about Miranda, Tiffany, Wolfgang, or of course Zach. There are bad apples everywhere, I just seemed to have found a place where it was easy for them to act with impunity.
The amount of geek boys who think that it's okay to force a girl player into playing a girl character (magical sex change!) or who think that having her character be raped should be "no big deal" make me so angry.
My experiences playing D&D were that the boys around me kept trying to tell me what to do. Finally I told them that I wanted to make up whatever I wanted and not get a list of choices of actions I could take, because at that point, why wouldn't they just roll the dice and see which option I would take? Blech.
So how do you do it? What do you say if you see or hear someone compare being overcharged by telecoms to anal rape, for example? I saw that very example this morning and din't know what to say because it was a comment on someone else's LJ.
I have so little a sense of humour about rape and child abuse, probably because a number of very close friends are survivors. Unashamedly I have been known to go off to some of these comments and give an ear-full. As I do have a black and sarcastic sense of humour, which most of my male friends enjoy, dirty jokes and all, it has been somewhat educational for them to distinguish between a dirty joke and a joke about sexual violence. But then, most of my male friends are cool. Still it is hard to do this all the time as some arseholes don't get it - and don't want to.
Genevieve PlusCourageuse, please understand that while I cannot know what you have been going through, I do understand your frustration. Sometimes crying is the only option we have in the face of injustice. My thoughts are with you. Stay strong.
Thank you for the kind words, everyone.
Luna-
So how do you do it? What do you say if you see or hear someone compare being overcharged by telecoms to anal rape, for example? I saw that very example this morning and din't know what to say because it was a comment on someone else's LJ.
I have actually commented on blogs telling people that rape jokes/trivializations (because often the comments aren't meant to be funny, but still trivialize the experience) aren't okay. It usually doesn't go over very well or change anyone's mind, but just saying something can help.
In person, there was a time when I was unable to collect my thoughts enough to say anything more than, "asshole," but even that felt like I was at least doing something. And I've alerted moderators on various Facebook groups and applications when something like this has come up.
And you know what Bikini Kill song really makes me think of this Ferdinarchy? 'I Hate Danger.'
Not to offer any defense, which I'm not...just pointing one thing out:
Rape, like many words in English, it can be used differently. I could say "Drilling in ANWR would be a complete rape of the countryside".
That wouldn't be trivializing rape, it would be using one of the accepted definitions of the word.
an act of plunder, violent seizure, or abuse; despoliation;
Using rape in such a way is very, very common amongst gamer culture. Especially video gaming, online to be exact.
If you had had a family member killed, and he was singing about it being "killing time", would you have taken it to be trivializing your experience?
I understand it hurt you to think he was trivializing your experience, but (and I'm no therapist), I believe trying to hide from that which bends you, only makes it break you.
I'm tired, it's late, and I fear this is going to come off much worse than I'm intending it. It's really, really not meant as such. I can only stress it so many times, that I'm not trying to diminish what you've had to go through, or make light of your experience.
People that you believe don't understand your experience, or trivialize it... They'll never learn or know, unless you tell them. I think that's the most important part. You have to point it out that what he's saying is making you uncomfortable, and if he's going to use the word in that manner, to please save it for when you aren't there.
Otherwise he'll never know he's done something wrong, and he'll continue to do it.
Rape, like many words in English, it can be used differently. I could say "Drilling in ANWR would be a complete rape of the countryside".
In this context...yeah, it's somewhat acceptable. As it is acceptable if someone were to say that one country raped another country by invading it, enslaving it, et cetera. That, I do not believe, is trivialization. But that's as far as I take it.
an act of plunder, violent seizure, or abuse; despoliation;
Using rape in such a way is very, very common amongst gamer culture. Especially video gaming, online to be exact.
Only problem is, none of this is real. As much as anyone loves gaming, at the end of the day, it is just a game, nothing that happens within the game happened in real life. And just because something is 'common' doesn't mean it's okay. That's not an excuse. Real, actual rape is also very common. You see what you get when you posit common=okay?
If you had had a family member killed, and he was singing about it being "killing time", would you have taken it to be trivializing your experience?
I can't say. I've never had a family member (who I knew, during my lifetime) killed. I have no idea how I would react to careless usage of 'kill' or 'murder' were this part of my experience. I don't like it when people make stupid jokes about drugs because my cousin messed up her life with a cocaine addiction, so yes, I'd imagine that this would, actually affect me.
People that you believe don't understand your experience, or trivialize it... They'll never learn or know, unless you tell them. I think that's the most important part. You have to point it out that what he's saying is making you uncomfortable, and if he's going to use the word in that manner, to please save it for when you aren't there.
Otherwise he'll never know he's done something wrong, and he'll continue to do it.
Yeah...that's basically the point, the plan, et cetera.
Oh, and if it seems as though I'm being overly terse or bitchy with BlackThirteen, it's because we've run into each other in blog comments before, elsewhere and I don't exactly trust the dude.
Genevieve PlusCourageuse commented at August 12, 2008 11:09 AM: "Mina--
"Oh, there are good geeks out there. I don't think it's bad to be one, but I have seen people jump fairly quickly from 'I'm a geek and can't get laid because I don't really try' (which Wayne couldn't) to 'I hate girls because they're shallow bitches.'
"And there's quite a bit of misogyny in some areas of 'geek culture.' But I'm not quite ready to condemn all geeks. (I don't identify as one myself, I used to before realizing that with my grades I'm actually more of a nerd.)"
Thanks for this too, and for reminding me that I should have been clearer about how I already know there are good geeks!
Meanwhile, I'm afraid the kids steered towards being antisocial by parents who fear peer pressure, "want geek kids," and don't know geek culture exists are less likely to join the good geeks and more likely to become like Wayne...
Meanwhile, I'm afraid the kids steered towards being antisocial by parents who fear peer pressure, "want geek kids," and don't know geek culture exists are less likely to join the good geeks and more likely to become like Wayne...
Oh, shit yeah. Wayne himself might've been a textbook example of this...I didn't know the dude that well but what I did know was that he was from a wealthy family, his parents bought him everything he wanted (including every single D&D book in existence, and those things are about $30 a pop plus there are so many of them). He was a virgin, which doesn't mean a guy is bad...but this clearly was something he wasn't happy about. I told Zach once..."he's a virgin because he's a jerk, and he's a jerk because he's a virgin," and this seemed like this vicious cycle would continue for awhile...at least until he fulfills his self-proclaimed musical destiny.