While my boyfriend and I were en route to a restaurant a couple of nights ago, a woman jogging alongside the road brought up the subject of catcalling, and how offensive and threatening it can be. What began as a fairly light discussion about the objectification of women rapidly morphed in to an emotional conversation which left me seriously reconsidering our year and a half long relationship.
My boyfriend is currently reading the book, Full Frontal Feminism, by Jessica Valenti, primarily to understand some of my feminist opinions and beliefs. As he reads, he often asks about my perspective on the issues that are discussed. Over the past few weeks, we have had numerous discussions about women's rights, which has resulted in him having a better understanding of modern feminism, and in both of us having a firmer grasp on how the other views our society. Up until this last blow up, all of our conversations about women's issues and feminism have been very calm, with absolutely zero conflict involved. That is why this last debate was such a shock.
I was telling my boyfriend what it is like to be a woman jogging or walking on the side of a road. I was explaining how oftentimes, the catcalling from men and boys in passing cars, however harmless in intent, can be mind-numbingly objectifying, down right insulting, or even terrifyingly threatening and intimidating.
As the male product of an upper-middle class family, my boyfriend has never felt the fear that often accompanies being a woman of any class in this society. Like most men, he has never been encouraged to carry his keys in his hand or pepper spray in his pockets to fend off possible assailants. He has never been told that it is necessary to immediately lock the car doors as soon as he gets inside his vehicle. He has never felt embarrassed, humiliated, self-conscious, frustrated, or angry at comments made about his physical anatomy by men whom he has never met before. He has never felt the urge to frantically glance around for other people when a man comes a little too close. He has never felt the need to quickly duck in to a near by store to escape the threatening leer of a man who has been following him for several blocks. I have. Women have.
I was trying to accurately explain what is to be a woman, alone and in public. He was not understanding. Drawing from personal experience, I told him about the things that were yelled from passing cars while jogging on isolated rural roads as a young teenage girl. I told him about the things that were murmured to me from those same cars when they slowed down to my pace, on isolated rural roads. My boyfriend laughed. I cried and wished I were anywhere but where I was, having any conversation but the one that I was. Dinner was eaten in silence.
While we ate in an awkward quiet which made our waitress uncomfortable, I thought about my experiences as woman alone in public. I thought about the time I was running barely a block from my apartment, located in a 'good' area, and had change thrown at me, accompanied by yells of , "Is that enough? Can I get some head?!" I thought about how angry and embarrassed I was. How I questioned myself. Do I look slutty? Should I have worn looser pants? I thought about all of the times that I have been rubbed up against and grabbed in public, on sidewalks, in airports, at work. I thought about the disgusting comments that have been made to me by complete strangers. I thought about the fear that I instinctively feel every single time that I must cross a dark parking lot alone, keys clenched tightly while checking the back seat of my car. It is so unfair and so heartbreaking that women, every God forsaken day, must live in exactly the same way.
Later, my boyfriend apologized. "I didn't mean it like that," he said. "I just thought that you were exaggerating. I didn't know guys actually did things like that."
They do.
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I hope all will work out with your boyfriend. It sounds like he is trying to understand your perspective overall about feminism etc and that is really important. I'm sorry his reaction about street harassment didn't go over well but it sounds like it was a really new concept to him. Maybe he just needs time to let it sink in. I'd recommend talking to him whenever you're street harassed or feel unsafe in public and the sheer number of times you mention it may give more weight to it. i think it can be really hard for guys to understand how pervasive and scary it is and maybe they think it only happens when you're dressed a certain way but when they actually see & hear about the varied clothes and locations relating to the harassment i think it helps them realize better that it happens a lot, in all kinds of circumstances. i always say sharing our stories is one of the best ways to help stop street harassment because so many people aren't aware how much and often it happens. so keep it up :)
And obviously all relationships vary but if it helps give you hope, my partner of 5.5 years has become extremely aware of sexism over that time period and is always sad to hear about me getting street harassed etc. He came from a pretty conservative, gender-specific family too and his first gf of 3 years in high school made him pay for everything, open doors, etc and when we started dating I had to tell him many times that we could alternate opening doors & paying and our convos progressed from there as far as his awareness of equal rights and feminist issues.
My guy also has trouble understanding street harassment. He thinks it's no big deal and that men only talk to women they are actually into. I keep trying to explain to him that just because he and his friends don't do this sort of thing, it doesn't mean other men are the same way. I'm going to ask him to read this so that hopefully he will understand a bit better.
Great Post!!! Thanks so much for saying exactly what I was thinking about 6 months ago. My now ex-partner had no idea what we as a gender are up against. I asked him to take a walk downtown at night and watch the reactions of women who passed him. Did they switch their purse to their other arm? Did they cross the street? Were their keys in their hand, ready to attack? On the subway, do women easily sit next to you, or prefer to stand or find another seat? This is our reality as females. He claimed he couldn't see it at the time, but I assumed it was because of other factors, such as his appearance, choice of location, and privilege as a white middle-class man, as opposed to someone of colour from a working class background, for example. However, since we have broken up (and he discovered how truly awesome I was, way too late!) he admits he noticed women acting differently. Likely, only in an attempt to convince me to come back, he started reading Bitch Magazine, so hopefully he has gained some analysis of the issues women face on a daily basis, even if I won't be directly benefit as his partner.
I feel like a profiteer. As bad as your experience with your boyfriend was that evening, you've given me a boost of hope that my less-than-happily-involved-with-a-feminist partner will start to get it, too. Inspired by your post, I asked him to add Feministing, Pandagon, and a few other blogs I read on a daily basis to his blogroll. Here's hoping it makes a difference!
It always amazes me how unaware males are to the conditions we live in every day.
My boyfriend and I are both hard core runners and we've had several conversations about why i don't enjoy running alone the way he does. I find it so insanely unfair that he can run wherever he wants, at night, in daylight, on a crowded street or a deserted road, and just run, while I'm constantly looking around everywhere I go. I tried to explain to him that while his thoughts during a run might bounce around from homework to upcoming races or family and friends, my thoughts often consist of "That guy looks creepy. He's looking at me. Ugh. Ok, there are people within earshot, I think. If i screamed, would they come? Would they help? Am i too tired to fight right now? Am I fast enough to run away? He looks strong. Would adrenaline be enough to get me away fast enough?"
These are things he never has to think about, never has to worry about.
Sometimes he gets it, sometimes he thinks I'm being ridiculous. But like you mentioned, as women we are taught to look over our shoulders, carry our car keys and cell phones like potential weapons, check our cars before we enter, lock our doors as soon as we do, and always check to make sure people are around to help us, should we need it.
It makes me want to cry, how unfair it is. Ugh. We deserve to feel safe.
Wow Kayla, have you experienced all those things you told your boyfriend about? That's terrible.
But yeah, I've had times like that with my boyfriend. He's not very sexist in how he acts but often has no idea that other guys can be much more sexist than him. Like the first time I brought up that sex workers are treated terribly, he said something that sounded sexist but really, later he said he just had no idea they were treated that way and obviously they should be treated like everyone else.
Hmmm that must be hard. My boyfriend is WELL aware of feminist issues, and the sexism(catcalling) that occurs when other men are not with us. He usually understands but sometimes he's a little surprised. He bought me pepperspray after I explained a situation to him one time. He's extremely supportive and I'm thankful for that.
I think that your boyfriend is just trying to adjust to having someone around him that actually thinks about feminist stuff, chances are nobody talks about catcalling or sexism with him before you, so give him some time and work with him about stuff he doesn't understand.
Hope that helps :)
I feel you, sister!
Having a good guy is such a Catch 22! I mean, he's "good" because he's caring, treats you with respect, listens to you, will read a book about feminism, etc. BUT he's so good that he can't understand that other men AREN'T that good! It would be funny if it wasn't sad.
I do think part of this male ignorance of male aggression is an attempt to protect their self-concept. They identify as male, and like to think of themselves as a good person. Other males acting badly reflects back on them as a man. Therefore, they have to pretend that all men are good so that they are still good. That's my armchair psychologist take on it, anyway. ;)
This reminds me of a conversation my best friend had with her boyfriend: she was trying to explain to him why she would walk on a local trail by herself at night- namely because she is young, small, and female. His response? "yeah, but I'm a small guy and I'm not scared."
The frustration she felt was evident when she told me about it. I still can't believe he said that.
I'm lucky- my boyfriend is generally understanding about my concerns for my safety, and knows that it isn't fair.
One thing he doesn't get is my insistence that our balcony door is locked at night. He keeps repeating the fact that we live on the second floor. I'm aware of that. But I've also read so many stories about "balcony rapists" played up in the media. All of my female friends remember them too- but the males don't. I think females are taught to scan the headlines for scary news, making us even more fearful.
Never had I read a community blog that made me cry, until I read yours.
This made me realize how hurtful the catcalling is. People think it's a joke, that it's no big deal. I can't understand how anyone would ever find it humorous.
I'd say catcalling is my #1 reason why I am a feminist, thanks to this blog. It used to be reproductive rights (which is still an issue to me, don't get me wrong) but something that so many people don't even realize is a problem is... crazy.
Thank you for this.
I was telling some girlfriends about being harrassed on the highway--some old guy in a chevy truck pulled up next to me, kept pace with me, and waved his erection at me. on the fucking highway. It was scary, especially because I couldn't get away (he just slowed down or sped up to keep next to me), and he was laughing--only when i found my phone did he suddenly slow down and exit the highway. The worst part is that one of my girlfriends laughed. She thought it was the funniest thing. It made me feel worse because I really thought, as a woman, she would have been more understanding of what it's like to feel targeted and helpless in a situation like that, and instead she thought it was funny. I am kind of curious why that was her reaction, if she actually found it humorous, or if it was more of a nervous thing.