Another issue that's been simmering in my head, the issue of touch and personal space. Prompted by an event I'll explain a little later in this post.
I am really, really touch-shy. I jump if someone puts their hand on my shoulder; I apologize if I accidentally touch someone else in a crowd. It doesn't matter who - I don't like my parents touching my stomach or my feet or my hair either, or my grandmother patting my behind or putting her hand on my leg. (I'm only waiting for the day when I have to tell my mother, "Ten years from now, do you really want 'I love you' to be a valid excuse for letting someone touch me when I don't want them to?") I get awkward and confused when greeting relatives I don't see often and kissing them on the cheek.
Now, the incident. I was on a boat coming back from a snorkeling trip with my family last week, and as the passengers were getting off the boat, there were two crew members standing there to help us off, one male, one female. My mother and my sister disembarked ahead of me, and both crewmembers gave each of them a hug. I, being touch-shy with people I know well and more so with people I don't know at all, tried to pre-empt the hug of the male crewmember by putting my hand out to shake. He hugged me anyway. It was very uncomfortable and, well, disrespectful. When I put out my hand for the female crewmember to shake, she shook it instead of hugging me.
I wish I could have seen if either or both had hugged my father.
Which got me thinking. The female crewmember - did she shake my hand because she, as another woman, knew better how it felt to be subject to unwanted touch?
We talk here about the view of women's bodies as communal property. So do you all have similar experiences? What is your relationship with touch and personal space?
For the guy bloggers here: do you experience anything similar? How do you think your experiences as a man differ?
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Oh, God, I'm so glad you posted this! I've been thinking about it for a while, in relation to one of my martial arts teachers. There are a couple of women in the class, including me. He constantly touches the women on the shoulder or arm or whatever. Now, I'm not really offended by that, I'm not, as you call it, 'touch-shy' myself, but I notice it doesn't happen with the men. It seems pretty automatic for him, being a middle-aged guy he was born into a world where that was probably considered just politeness. But I really hate the whole injustice of the fact that I, as a young woman, am not supposed to be able to do the same. It'd be seen as 'forward' if I did it. This makes it an expression of domination, which is what I think is unjust. I wonder how he'd react if I pointed it out, but I plan to.
Oh my god. I know exactly how you feel! Like crippling, terribly awkward anxiety right? The only person's touch I can tolerate is my SO's and that was a long time coming.
I remember in high school two boys found out about my intense dislike of being touched and when I wasn't looking they would stand on either said of me and "hug" me in between them. Yeah right. It was horrible. The only times a teacher ever responded (at least one saw every time) were the times that I would either cry or punch one of them in the face. (Which, BTdubs I got in trouble for and nothing happened to them.)
But because of that if someone touches me I usually have the nerve to say "I really don't know you that well, I would appreciate it if you don't touch me." Most comply, a few don't...but I hope you can get to this point and I hope people are cooperative!
Nettle Syrup, your comment actually leads me right into something I was going to discuss in th epost but didn't because I wasn't sure if it was relevant. I do martial arts as well. Grappling and self-defense are my absolute favorite, and those of necessity involve a lot of touching. I don't mind it at all. (Our dojo separates the sexes for grappling, but I personally wouldn't mind grappling with the guys. Especially since I'd get a more diverse experience, as I'm one of three female regulars and we're far outnumbered by guys.) At times I even sit on people after taking them down when they aren't expecting it. :D
I think the key thing here is purpose. I don't mind touching when it's for the purpose of learning skills and stuff. Some other situations are also OK. But when there's no real purpose and I haven't invited the touching, I really just want people to stay off.
Risolutezza, that's really sad. It's really as if they think that because you're female, you shouldn't mind it. Thanks for the support!
I'm pretty touch-shy myself. In fact, my motto is "if you touch me [without my permission] I will kill you". The only person allowed to touch me whenever is my boyfriend, anyone else is going to get pushed away or bitched at.
Being touch shy myself, I'm also really glad you made this post. I remember being in gym class and always being off to the side, trying to pretend I was playing along while doing everything possible to resist coming into contact with my classmates (although that was in part because my male classmates divided between harassing and being way too into the sport and way too physical about it). We even had a dance section, which was horrible, since the guys were supposed to put a hand on the girl's hips, I didn't even process how sexual and sexist that section was, it just terrified me that not only was I humiliated because I couldn't dance, every guy in class got into my personal space. To this day I get jumpy when anyone, male or female, touches me.
Rebecca, it's very odd, but I notice that when I'm doing self-defence and touching is a matter of necessity, the men don't want to do it. It's all like, 'Don't worry... I won't hurt you!' and I'm thinking 'Just throw the damn punch!' God, I was partnered with a blackbelt the other week who I know is very skilled, but his 'attacks' were like soggy toast, which kinda made them hard to recieve. I'm not really that good at it, myself, but that's not the point. I'm not bad enough for them to need to tone it all down to nursery level. It gets so frustrating! And yet, the same guys who seem to think they have to do that are the ones thinking it's a-okay to get into your personal space in other ways.
Rebecca,
This is an awesome post! I'm touch-shy too. I don't know if any guys are ever told this growing up, but I couldn't stand it when my parents wanted to force me to hug or be affectionate with someone when I didn't feel comfortable. "Come on! Give your Uncle Bill a HUG! NOW! You're making him feel bad!"
That is a dangerous thing to teach your children: to push their own feelings aside and allow someone to touch them against their will.
Anyway, next time my teacher does this I reckon I might just mirror his actions and see how he reacts.
Helen Benedict, the sexual assault expert who wrote the article about rape in the military linked to on feministing community a while ago, wrote a book for kids where she says pretty much what you're saying, Anne.
'From a young age, children are taught to put up with carresses from adults... it is difficult to say no when you've been trained to respond that way.'
She sees this as a contributing factor in kids being abused, and I agree, which is why I will never, ever force my kids to put up with forceful adults.
It all starts in childhood. Maybe the foundation of teaching consent is to start by allowing kids to assert their wishes about who touches them without making them feel guilty about it.
Rebecca, I am also touch-shy; but the experience of a (cis-het-white-affluent) man who is touch-shy is different.
I don't like being touched without permission. I came from a home with some domestic violence, and it can be a little triggering. The difference is that our culture respects my body boundaries.
I have a daughter, who is still very young, and it is important to me to teach her to expect that her body boundaries will be respected.
It seems that because I am female, I am expected to hug people. I'd rather shake their hand. I don't need to press my boobs against other people to greet them. Even the the leaning shoulder-y hug is akward.
Rebecca,
In the comments you said "I think the key thing here is purpose. I don't mind touching when it's for the purpose of learning skills and stuff. Some other situations are also OK. But when there's no real purpose and I haven't invited the touching, I really just want people to stay off."
That is exactly how I feel. If my trainer needs to pull my shoulders back and push in my lumbar curve so that I get the correct squat form down, (so that I don't hurt myself) it is COMPLETELY different than if he put his hand on my shoulder just cause. Ew, even the thought of it makes me cringe.
It is much easier to push someone else's body into place when doing precise movements (like dance, weight lifting), than trying to describe it.
Thank you, Nettle Syrup!
I just looked her up and ordered a few of her books through my library. I appreciate the heads up!
This post really resonates with me. Usually, now that I am older, I manage to give off a touch-me-not vibe that works. When someone touches me and I do not want them to, it feels like something in me contracts, curls up, and dies. One of my older sisters was sitting next to me, and wouldn't stop touching/prodding me, and I told her to knock it off several times, and finally, I yelled at her and she got really upset. She brought it up for a couple of years after. She thought we were just kidding around, and I told her, no, I freaked out because I couldn't get her to STOP. We were both adults at the time.
My parents were actually pretty good about not making us have physical contact with relatives when we did not want it. I do not ever remember turning down an embrace, but I do remember that any time I was hugged, kissed, or patted (usually on the head) it was a wanted experience. We also were very rarely spanked. It is very true that children need to see their bodies as their own, and to know that nobody gets to touch them without permission. I pointed this out to my husband (who is anti-spanking, and not about forced hugs either) and its connection with child abuse/sexual abuse, and he was surprised by how much SENSE it made.