You're not a weakling. You're not a fool either. Don't let anyone try to convince you of this.

He, however, is a piece of shit. I know this is hard to hear. Believe me, I know. It doesn't make you a fool though.

Oh, VirginBlood, you sound so world-weary for only being 18.

You also sound stuck. I'm glad you had the courage to talk about this with your boyfriend, but his response is very telling.

He has basically said that what he said is what he believes and that he doesn't care about how that can make you feel bad about yourself.

Unfortunately, this is something about him that will not change. He has said as much to you with his own words.

So now is the time to ask yourself if you're willing to put up with this for the rest of your life. Are you willing to give him sex whenever he asks, even if it's when you're not feeling well or like you want to have sex? Do you want to feel bad about the sex that you do give him when you don't want to? Do you want to feel bad about yourself for not liking sex when he wants it and you don't?

Realize that this isn't going to change. In fact, it will probably make you feel worse and worse.

I really feel for you. You're not in a good relationship. It's now up to you to decide if being lonely is worse than being miserable. For me, I went with feeling lonely because there was the chance I would find someone who I could have a good relationship with.

And I did. And it's everything I hoped it would be. It's because I valued myself and could only respect those who valued me, too.

Best of luck to you. It might take some time, but I would seriously try to find a way to have a healthier relationship with yourself, then relationships with others have a way of working themselves out.

Dear Virginblood - You're not a fool. We all at times put up with behavior/attitudes that are hurtful to us because we want to be loved and accepted. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be loved and accepted. So, you know this guy will love and accept you as long as you put out whenever he wants. It's hard to confront people that we love (especially those we love romantically). But, know this, there are PLENTY of men out there who will love, accept and appreciate you for who you are and who won't threaten to dump you if you don't put out on demand. Don't be afraid that if you break up with your boyfriend that you'll never meet anybody else - YOU WILL!!!! I promise. If you break up with him, you'll miss him and you'll be scared (and he'll probably say all sorts of insulting things to you to try to undermine your decision - I've been there, it sucks) but you'll be O.K. You deserve better.

I am very worried for your safety. This guy clearly thinks he owns you. Does he know that you are posting about him on a widely-read, public website?

I agree with what people posted on your previous entry - this guy has a rapist's mindset. He is absolutely ENTITLED to sex from you and you are NOT to deny it, OR ELSE. He says now that the "or else" is that he leaves you, but with guys like this, you never know.

We're the same age and I'm hoping to God this means you don't live with him. Either way, please stop telling yourself and everyone else that you are worthless and have no backbone. Realize that he's the one making you feel this way. HE is the misogybag asshole but YOU are the only one who can remove yourself from this situation. This guy is insidious... he reassures you that he "loves" you, but he can't even honor your feelings. Obviously you've been totally willing to have sex with him, so why was ONE TIME such a big frickin' deal? Because he thinks he owns you.

Dumping him would NOT be carelessly letting a three year relationship go to waste. You don't NEED a relationship like this. You're already wasting your time with this loser. Dumping him would stop the waste and allow you to find your own sense of self-worth, and realize that you are worth so much more than just sex. After that, if/when you're ready... well, believe me, there are a lot of wonderful guys out there who will see, love, and value you as a person, not a place to stick their penis.

Please find someone in real life who can help you - your parents, some kind of women's crisis center, a friend. It's time to stop posting on the Internet and take action. It's entirely possible that this guy could become violent, so you need a support network. Maybe even alert the police, I'm not really sure if you can actually do that; hopefully someone will come along who knows better than I do.

Best of luck.

P.S. As far as "love" being "girly stuff" that men don't care about - LIES. ALL LIES. He wants you to think that you can't do any better than him. YOU CAN.

I grew up believing that boys only wanted One Thing from me, and that they will say and do anything to get it. I was told this so often and from such an important presence that I believed it. This is going to sound a little cheesy, but I believed it right up until a guy who had never met me in person fell hard for me (isn't the Internet great?). And wow, it's not true. It is so not true.

There are better people out there.

He made it clear that he loved me but if I denied any sexual act, he would leave me.

I'm an utter fool because I didn't go against him, I simply bowed my head and said "understood". Five minutes later I was orally pleasuring him.

This troubles me greatly, and my heart aches for you, but I have to tell you that all the gals and guys here who are telling you to leave this schlub are right. If he is threatening to leave you if you don't perform every sex act he wants whenever he wants it HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU.

People who love each other don't give each other ultimatums like "do whatever I want or I'll leave you". They just don't. People who love each other understand that each partner is a separate and whole human being with feelings, desires, and goals. People who love each other DO NOT EVER use emotional extortion (which is exactly what "fuck me whenever I demand it or I'll leave you" is) because they have the ability to recognize that those kinds of words hurt.

You are in an abusive relationship and you need to leave it now. RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND. I know you love him, I know you think he loves you, I know you think he'll never do anything to hurt you -- but he already has. He has made you feel like shit, useless, and that's hurting you right now as I type this. He already has done something to hurt you, and it's not a far step before he does something to physically hurt you -- such as, if you don't automatically submit to his pleasure, forcing you, which is rape.

I recommend going to the home of a woman you trust. Call your mom and talk to her about this. You have to get away from this boy before he hurts you even worse than he already has. No relationship is worth this kind of treatment, and YOU DESERVE BETTER.

Please. There are too many women in your situation (because there are too many men who think like your boyfriend), and a lot of those women end up with severe injuries, and some of them even get killed because they couldn't leave the man they thought loved them. It happens too often, and you must know that if you're reading Feministing.

Before you do anything else, I want you to go and look yourself in the mirror and say the following, out loud, as loud as you can: I am a complete human being. My feelings matter. I am strong and independent and I will not be treated this way.

Say it until you believe it. You don't deserve this kind of treatment and there is NOTHING YOU COULD EVER DO that would make it so you did.

Keep us abreast of your situation. I'll be sending positive thoughts/prayers your way.

Ohhh dear. Never think you'd be "wasting" a three-year relationship by breaking up with him. You'd only be saving yourself from wasting more time on this guy! He seriously sounds dangerous.

Okay, one more thing...

http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/redflaglist.shtml

Read that. I would bet that he's a manipulative jerk in many more ways than just (not that this is a small thing!!) this.

I know others have already said this, but maybe it helps to hear it once more. You're not a weakling or a fool - just young and immature. Part of growing up is learning when someone is salvageable versus when you need to dump the motherfucker already (as the great Dan Savage would say). This, my dear, is what we call a deal breaker. And every time you acquiesce, you validate his position and his beliefs. Stop showing him that you agree with his assessment of your worth, and dump the motherfucker already! =)

Good one, Skittle. That's a great and comprehensive list.

What part of the world (or if you're in the US, country) are you in VB? I know that there are probably community members near you who will rally to your defense IRL. If you're in or near Seattle, you can email me rachel@rachelsetzer.com and I can bring a support system with me.

Also, I think it might be really useful to look at the step by step, day by day ideas that Women's Aid gives. Clearly, on a feminist community blog, you're going to have women who are very concerned that relationships be respectful. It's also important to see from websites like this charity's website, that this is not just a 'feminist' perspective. These issues affect a lot of people and there is help and support and shared experience for dealing with them.

Perhaps other people reading this in other countries could put up links to well respected organisations in their countries too.

"He made it clear that he loved me but if I denied any sexual act, he would leave me."

That's not love; it's textbook emotional abuse. I think you did the right thing by talking to him and making your feelings known. You took a leap of faith in letting him know how his words made you feel, and giving him an opportunity to recognize his errors. He didn't rise to that occasion. Instead, he took his bullshit to the next level and resorted to threats to get you to obey his wishes.

I know leaving someone after 3 years is tough. I left my abuser after a relationship that long and it was hard and painful. Please be strong, believe in yourself and your worth, and get yourself away from this abusive boy [not man.]

I am really upset by this, and I don't tend to express myself all that well when I'm upset. So I'll try and be brief and ask you to think about a few things that I hope considering will help you wort this out:

1) What do you see as the future of this relationship? Do you honestly see this as a sign that he'll learn how to treat you?

2) What does he do for you that you can't do for yourself or that can't be replaced later on down the road by a more mature human being?

3) Is it fear of being "alone" that motivates you to just take this, not only take it but reward him for being a little boy?

Here's the deal as I see it: Not all men start out as pieces of shit, but a lot of us do. Now a piece of shit guy isn't hopeless, but like any common animal they need to have their noses rubbed in the carpet from time to time to learn the trait of empathy. Some people only learn about empathy when people around them stop helping to feed their monster ego. He might just grow up at some point, but it's pretty unlikely.

The only thing that happens to a person, not just a man but anyone, with just an overinflated ego when you reward them with head for telling you you're essentially less of a person than a tube of KY is that they feel justified in their enormous sense of entitlement.

You wouldn't be posting about it here if you were happy, that's pretty obvious. He might try and convince you that you're a submissive woman, but I know submissive men and women. It does not make them miserable to submit. So you're clearly not a submissive who enjoys subverting their own ego to a dominant personality, you're also not an idiot who thinks it's your job to do this for your man; otherwise you wouldn't have come in here and asked for advice and you certainly wouldn't have used your voice to speak directly to the problem. And when you did he responds with:

"Ok, now I know it makes you feel like shit when I treat you like that. So you know that I know. Now know that I don't care."

How much more clear could he have been, he isn't your lover, he isn't your partner. He's treating you like he owns you. your call, but if you had a daughter with a guy like this, you know he would train her to accept that kind of treatment.

I may not say anything all that different from what has already been said but I want you to know that there are a lot of us who support you and think your boyfriend is wrong! He wants you to think that you are weak and spineless because as long as you do, he has the power to make you do what he wants. But you are not weak and powerless, or you wouldn't be here writing about how much he has hurt you.

I dated a guy similar to this. He never told me that I had to put out whenever HE wanted me to, but he certainly acted like it, calling me at all hours (even when I told him not to) trying to get me to come over and have sex with him. He was really angry when I ended the relationship and blamed everything on me, but I knew no matter what he said that HE had treated ME like dirt, not the other way around. And the night I walked away from his angers and attempts at manipulating me into doing whatever he wanted was the night I realized how strong I really was.

I can't tell you that you have to leave him - obviously I think it's best, but you have to decide that for yourself. But I do suggest that you take some time away from him, as long as you can get, so that you can think about it without having him in your ear, and make up your mind for YOURSELF what you need to do.

He is clearly emotionally abusing you and controlling you. It's not because you're weak or a dimwit, but people get stuck, even strong people. It's not easy to break ties, especially with someone you have been with for a while. But please seek help. Maybe talk with an abuse hotline, join a group, talk to a counselor. If you are a student there are on campus outreach programs that can help you emotionally so you can grow as an individual and recognize that you deserve better. Someone who blackmails you for sex does not deserve you.

Actually speaking on a blog is a good sign that you know this is wrong but don't know what to do. Please continue to seek help. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Is this for real?

I can't help but feel manipulated by these posts. My gut is telling me that someone is trying to get the feminists upset and riled up for shits and giggles.

But if you are for real, please know that you are being abused. You are in an abusive relationship. If you do not get out now, things will only get worse. You do not deserve such poor treatment and he doesn't deserve a girl lik you.
Are you posting these stories on Feministing in order to get earnest advice, for support, for catharsis? Because a lot of people are responding to you in comments and so far I have not seen you reply back to anyone.

I'm sorry; my comment comes off as really insensitive and uncaring, and that's not where I'm coming from at all. I am just paranoid.

We all care about you and are worried for your safety and happiness. Since you were so smart and appropriate about the thing and he just gave you more of the shame bullshit, I think you should dump him, too.
I know you didn't ask me, but you deserve so much better than this jerk. Don't worry, I won't think any less of you if you stay with him (although I will be concerned). Please keep us updated and good luck.
If you decide to ditch the bitch but you're too afraid to confront him alone, bring a trusted friend along. Don't move in with him (I learned that the hard way with my last ex) and if you have stuff at his house, try to remove it all before he comes home and dump him on the phone or in front of a witness.
If you need someone to talk to, just ask me on this site and I'll give you my e-mail or something :) Hang in there.

I have had experiences with men making me feel as if I am a bad girl friend or lover for not wanting to have any type of sex with them.

It's not acceptable for someone to make you feel this way; at the same time it can be difficult not to feel guilty. Especially if he has given an ultimatum such as do me or lose me.

Definitely unfair, and not cool. I hope that this doesn't end badly for you, or with you being hurt in any way.