Forgive me if I'm mistaken, but isn't the allure of somnophilia the fact that they can't resist or say no, similar to having sex with a girl unconscious from alcohol or GHB? If so, I can definitely understand why you felt afraid or violated, even if you'd consented beforehand. Sometimes games and experimentation that seemed fun and healthy beforehand can go too far.

I suggest no one google this term. I did and thought I was clicking on a definition and it was basically a blog w/ pictures of women being raped. It's basically when you enter the person when they are unconscious, or asleep. To me this is rape. I am not against having sex in the middle of the night/waking someone up for sex (touching is ok, but nothing invasive). But the way it goes in my house, the person has to wake up and return the affection. If the sleeping person pushes the instigator away/or doesn't wake up there is no sex.

I would suggest telling your partner that you need to be lucid in order to have sex. Tell him you are uncomfortable with the situation you experienced and that it was weird and you felt violated. Since you sorta discussed this as a possible fantasy, just tell him the fantasy did not sit right with you when it happened and that you don't want a repeat experience.

May I go off on a limb and suggest that you and your partner take a look at some good BDSM books? It's clear that he has a kink that you don't share, and you probably don't want to indulge him in it again, but I think you could benefit from reading about things like safewords--where there is no "It's too late" when it comes to cutting off play--and working up to things slowly and making sure you're both comfortable all the time. I can't remember the title but my favorite focused on the importance of communication before, during, and after. The important part of the before discussion being that either of you could end it at either time with no bitter feelings, and the after part is the discussion of where things started to go too far, what was good, what was bad. All that can help to lessen any fear you might have: Indulging each other's kinks is for mutualistic enjoyment and you should never be afraid!

In retrospect, we barely mentioned somnophilia, I'd stumbled on some stories (had I stumbled on the blog RiotGrrl mentioned, it would not have seemed appealing) some time ago and made an offhand remark. This was less a case of kink, which we've flirted with before and found either too much trouble or left us feeling demeaned, then a case of he wanted to have sex and I happened to be asleep. I was not asleep when sex occurred, I was marginally awake, but under the circumstances felt unable to stop what was happening. Somehow, amidst all the "be like a man" socializing I'd received growing up, my Dad found time to impress upon me that men shouldn't bother with women who won't have sex at the drop of a hat. So, throughout my relationship with my partner, I have felt compelled to be more sexual than I was ready to be. I can honestly say, he's not the coercive sort, the worst he does is brood and maybe pout a bit, which feels like torture to me, but there you have it.

I think the important thing to establish from my perspective is that we have talked about what happened very thoroughly, actually in a few conversations through the following day. Some new guidelines have been established. I worry that, since they still rely on my putting on the brakes, I will again drop the ball when I'd rather cut it out, and do the "cool girlfriend" thing again. I loathe this dynamic.

AnnaArcturus, maybe you ought to consider leaving him if things don't get better? Security and mutual respect for each other's right to say no are the most important things in a sexual relationship - and I'm NOT just talking about the whole 'sex whilst nearly asleep', but the fact that he sulks when you won't sleep with him, which you mention feels like torture. That's not your fault, it's his fault and his problem. I don't know the pros of this relationship, but personally speaking if a man sulked if I didn't sleep with him at the drop of a hat, it'd be over. Whether or not you love him, it sounds as if this situation isn't the best for your self-esteem, your security or your happiness. I mean, I don't know all the details of course, and that's just based on your post, but that's my opinion just working with what I have to go on.

"Why is "going ahead" the default rather than doing the sensible thing and asking?"

I fear that some people "go ahead" instead of asking for consent because they are afraid of hearing 'no.' If their partner said no they could either a)respect the 'no,' and not have sex, or b)ignore the 'no,' and rape their partner. I fear some people would rather leave the question unsaid and assume their partner is consenting, rather then risk losing the opportunity of *SEEMINGLY* consensual sex.

Try to stay strong and make your voice and wishes heard.