I showed Feministing to my mom today, and linked her to "Oh, You're A Feminist?" post about rape and assault on female soldiers and she wanted me to share her story with the feministing community. Here is a bit of background about my mom: she was the first in her family to go to college, but had to leave school after she had me at a young age. She was on her own at that point, so my grandmother advised her into going into the military, as she had done. My mom served for ten years as a medic and was in the Gulf war in the early 90's. She has always epitomized the female idea for me: my mom is courageous, tenacious, strong willed, ambitious, and never allows anyone else to speak for her. It is at her requst that I share her story with you.
I served for 10 years in the military. I learned first hand that there are many men who are threatened by women who are confident and strong. To a man who feels he is not in control for whatever reason, rape is a solution that seems to form instantly in the moment he realizes he is not in control. I was raped by my commander. It happened in Korea. I reported it and the trial was worse than the rape. My friends were warned TO STAY AWAY FROM ME. Anyone who would have witnessed for me was attacked by the chain of command. My CMS told me that if I did not drop it, "accidents can happen" I asked him if he was threatening my life he just said, "you know what I am saying"
I was asked even by other women, "is it true?" "what were you wearing?" "Why am I trying to destroy a good commander?" The doctors I worked with who were brave enough to speak on my behalf were targeted and persecuted for any reason and some were destroyed politically. In fear for my life I called an uncle who was politically connected and he called a congressional hearing. In retaliation, my orders were changed and I was sent to a unit scheduled to deploy to Bosnia. There was conflict in Bosnia at that time. This was my cue to get out of the military, America did not want my patriotism. An alcoholic West Point graduate was apparently more valueable.
My new CSM was called and told I was an alcoholic and a trouble maker. My first sgt told me about this call and when I asked him to speak up for me he said he had to worry about his retirement, he just wanted to warn me to watch my back.I had to go back to Korea for a final court date. I was put in a hotel across from his mother and between his west point instructors in case I wanted to go anywhere. None of my witnesses were there. He was acquitted. I have no idea what happened from there but I do know he was accused of raping a waitress in Tongduchan weeks before my assault and it was swept under the rug. Because he was acquitted, he can rape again and it can not be brought up again.
Every man I spoke to while I was in Korea I was accused of having sex with. The trial was unbelievable. The Jag officers handling my case missed a million details,. The trial was only to satisfy my uncle. The outcome was predisposed. No one had any intention of holding him accountable.
It took me 5 years to stop looking over my shoulder. I did not know where he was and so every man I saw who looked remotely like him was to be feared. I have been called whore, spit on, belittled and purposely misrepresented as a result of fighting back. DOD has rules that say the moment a victim accuses another soldier of rape they are to be separated and placed in different units, yet this is not happening. The young woman who was pregnant and recently found dead is such a case. The commander was supposed to follow protocol and move her pending the investigation but this was not done, making it easy for her attacker to kidnap and murder her. The commander had the power to move her but for whatever reason chose to have her continue working with the man she accused and no one asks why? Now 3 lives have been destroyed and 2 of them are taken because that commander failed to follow protocol and keep it "in house" Her blood is on his hands as much as the murderer.
My mother was one of the first women to serve as a nurse in Viet Nam era. I followed her example of patriotism and became a medic. I have 2 daughters and I would be horrified should they ever decide to follow me. The truth is that America does not see women in uniform as heroes, but as whores. Until this changes, no woman will be safe in uniform. It starts with we the people, we need to stop being silent and embarrassed as women and fight back. I refuse to stay silent. I challenge all the women who read this to make a commitment to our sons and daughters to refuse to be silent and to expose would be rapists, rapists and actively demand harsh punishments to these men and women who rape.
This happened many years ago, when I was in grade school. I remember my mom coming home from Korea, and hearing bits and pieces of the story. I also remember that she was in therapy for years after this incident. I wish I could write more about this, but I simply do not have any more words. My mother is brave. She is a survivor. Many women--like Lavena Johnson--are not as fortunate as my mother. Whenever someone tells me that feminism is dead, or pointless, or whenever an arrogant guy tells me that rape cases are really all about "sluts who cry wolf", I think back on these types of situations of crime against women and have no idea how to maintain my composure. How is it that a woman has to struggle through this kind of ordeal, and is then punished for surviving, and speaking out?
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wow...just...wow
I'm speechless. I'm so amazed by how brave your mother was and still is.
Thanks for sharing this story :)
many thanks to you and your brave mother for sharing her story. what an ordeal to go through. the last paragraph she wrote is just so powerful. sharing our stories really is one of our most powerful tools!
Thank you, Sparkles, for this powerful post and thank you to Sparkles' mom for sharing this painful story with us and for refusing to be silenced.
The more I hear about how rapes are handled in the military (or in colleges or in general) the more enraged I am.
Thank you so much for sharing this. And thank your mother as well.
Sparkles and her Mother:
Thank you so much for sharing this amazing story. It is amazaing most of all because both of you have the courage to continue speaking up about these grave injustices.
Personally, these stories are the ones that affect me the most on this blog. Maybe some of you have read my past posts and have deduced that I am entering active duty in the near future. Unfortunately, when I signed my ROTC papers three years ago no one was there to warn me about the "enemies within." I am no wimp- I will graciously accept the privelege to serve my country. However, stories like these sadden me because I face the very real possibility of sexual assault just because I chose this career path as a young neive pup fresh out of high school. All I can do is to stand up for my sisters (and brothers too, because we all know sexual assault is not gender blind). Thanks again for all your stories.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Sparkles and Sparkles' mother. The story brought tears to my eyes. It is such a clear example of all the injustices that face [especially] women in the military, and speaks to the ineffectiveness of the military to deal with sexual assault; not because they cannot, but because they will not.
I have been an advocate for gender equality and fairness in the military for quite some time, but today, after reading this heartbreaking account, I pledge to be louder, to work harder, and to do everything in my power to ensure that this behavior does not continue for generations to come.
I was assaulted by a marine who was stationed in the same overseas city as my family. It would have been rape if one of his fellow marines hadn't knocked and the door and told him he was going to get in trouble if he didn't come out.
I wasn't in the military with him, but there was this weird culture of the marines dating girls from my high school, and I'm sure I wasn't the only one this happened to. I think the only reason he was successfully prosecuted is who my father is and what he did to bring my case to light. In the end, my assaulter was dishonorably discharged and I believe served some jail time. I feel like he should have been castrated, but no one asked me. It was a big ordeal, testifying, etc. I had to tell my story to numerous people recording w/ video cameras, write it down a few times; relive it over and over publicly as well as privately.
I'm not sure what my point is... I guess that this shit spills over into civilian lives too. I wonder how many civilians are affected by military rape, and if they are also more reluctant and deterred from reporting it than if they were raped by someone not it the military.
I feel lucky I wasn't raped, and sad to be reading so many stories lately about rape in the military. My heart goes out to all survivors and I hope these awful men start being held accountable for their actions.
Thank you.
As others have written, I thank you and your mother for sharing her story.
What a horrible experience for her, but I admire her for having the courage to call him out.
thank your mother for her courage in sharing her story which i suspect is fairly typical in many military organisations in many parts of the world.
she is obviously a very strong woman.
I linked my mom to this story today and called her as she was reading it. She was very touched by all of the positive, supportive comments. She told me to tell all of you "thank you" and to tell Kendraj that she is very brave for being able to retell her story over and over, especially at such a young age.
Sitting here in Korea, and reading your mother's story, I'm thinking about how lucky I am to be surrounded by good commanders and soldiers.
A few years ago (as a cadet), I endured similar (though much less severe) reprisals, silencings, and shunnings for reporting a guy's repeated sexist comments about women in the platoon and military women in general. Though my platoon stopped speaking to me, low-level officers lied to the company about me, my military grade was lowered, and people spread rumors that I was a lesbian who was going to get kicked out for lying, the system did eventually work and he was punished to the maximum extent. Mostly it worked because I was connected to women officers who made sure it did--a few of whom are in jobs that deal with sexual assault and sexism.
My friend who was raped in the barracks as a cadet was brave enough to take her case to a court martial. She was harassed and shunned by her company, and the rapist was let off even after admitting to hearing her say no, because apparently she didn't struggle enough. The only good thing to come of it was that he was still kicked out for initially lying while deposed and then changing his story. Through it all, she had the full support of many officers (men and women), the JAG office, and of her tac officer and actual chain of command. People thought the case was a slam-dunk and were devasted by the outcome.
What I mean to say is that I would like to believe that the Army is beginning to take real institutional measures to deal with this, and that the higher levels really sincerely want it to stop. The problem remains sexism. Reprisals wouldn't happen without sexism. Women would stand a better chance of being believed (or at least left alone) without sexism. And the sexism is only really going to stop when women are equal in the Army--say when there's a woman Infantry brigade commander. At least another forty years for that. Maybe I'm naive, but I do believe despite all the shit I've seen that progress is being made. We can only push forward harder.
Thank you and your mother for sharing this story.
Yay for Moms! I love hearing about strong, independant moms. I hate hearing that some people like to hurt them. Sparkle's mom is amazing, and wonderful for sharing her story with us. Thanks, MOM!
What these incidents say to though, is that our patriotism is worthless to our country, unless we are willingly spreading our legs. Saying no is considered unpatriotic, and the fact that the senators, representatives and the president aren't stamping this behaviour out shows us how valued we are by this government.
I love the USA, but something's gotta give.
Thanks to all the women out there in the military, standing up for us and our freedoms. We are proud of you!
Wow. Thank you so much for sharing this.
I am crying for your mother and for all of the women who have gone through rape (including myself).
I finally stopped sleeping with the lights on this year, which was a big accomplishment for me. One you've been violated so deeply by someone (especially someone you trusted), it's so hard to not live in a state of fear. Especially when you tell people, and they question you or accuse you of lying or "regretting" it and "crying rape" later.
Tell you mother that she is extremely brave, and she personally helped make the world safer for women everywhere, even if she felt like her efforts were in vain.
thank you for sharing your mothers strength.
That was very powerful. Thank you for sharing.
That's such a terrible story...and I wish it wasn't a common one but it can hardly be called rare. When I was in basic training two soldiers in my platoon were raped on our graduation night, and that isn't even counting the girls that got "pressured" into having sex with one of our male drill sergeants. When the whole Aberdeen proving grounds situation came to light years ago, the only thing that shocked me was how the military acted like it was so shocked. Everybody knows.
I applaud your mother, and you, for posting this moving and honest account. My cousin just returned from a second deployment in Iraq. He an I had a conversation about the rapes that occur in the military. He seemed flippant about the topic, and mostly wanted to talk about blowing shit up or shooting his gun. My cousin is, or was, a sensitive and loving guy who cares deeply about his sisters, cousins, and people in general. After two years surrounded by military men, trigger happy boys, and "hostile" natives, he has changed. I am really interested in military psychology, and how soliders cope with war and traumas. The mere fact that these men must conform so completely really sets them up to follow any direction given to them, even when they would never dream of doing half of the things they are commanded to do.
Your mother, and the countless other women who are being forced to go through such extreme measures to get justice from their attackers, are brave and strong survivors. It enrages me that the military would not welcome women into its ranks, especially in the midst of an unpopular campaign that has dragged on for so long. Why are women being terrorized for helping their country? Who is the honorable one: the country that ruthlessly oppresses female soliders who "dare" to come forward with grievances; or the country who grievously oppresses its women according to fundamental religion?
I do not know how to fight this practice. But it is women like your mother and the other women who post and tell their stories that are raising awareness. I hope you all take time to honor YOURSELVES for living, fighting, and staying strong in the face of such horror.
Thank you and your mom for sharing, and thank your mom for being so brave.
If you are in the military or going to be soon you help out by making sure the public knows the difference between what the Military says is happening and what is actually happening. You don't have to do it yourself but sharing that information is invaluable.
We have made some progress, not all cases are pushed through the cracks, but we still have a long way to go.
As Kendraj showed us this problem affects many more women than we know.
LisaKS: What happened at APG? I lived there for three years when I was a kid.
I have a hard time supporting our troops when such a sexist environment is fostered and encouraged with in the military. They could stamp out the attitude if they wanted to but it's so pervasive in the hierarchy that we haven't come very far at all. It just kills me to know that women who join the military are usually more in danger of her own comrades then the enemy.
Thank GOD for the internet. I was 21 when I was raped, and beaten into a coma, kidnapped and nearly killed. I was also a virgin. This occured in Tacoma Washington - McChord AFB in 1981. Your story has stirred up inside me emotions that I have become quite accustomed to. I was angry then, and I am still angry, and I have come to the conclusion that I shall remain rightfully angry about this injustice done to women. The trash that raped me was a civilian that should have never gained access to the military base to begin with. The security police at the gate goofed! When I recovered from my coma and was able to begin a trial against this trash I was told by my WOMAN commander that if I didn't drop the charges and stop making such a spectacle of the base I would never wear my uniform again. I had been a highly awarded and excellent airman and had a wonderful career up to this point. I told my commander that if I had to accept this criminal act to keep the uniform I had earned and defended that I would help her shove it up her butt. I was found insubordinate. She did everything she could to tie up my time so I could not attend court, she never gave me supoenas that were sent to me, she had all calls sent through her without my knowledge. Being naturally proactive and angry as he;; I called the state attorney and made myself available for whatever I needed to put this trash in prison. He got 20 years on first degree rape, kidnapping and attempted murder. I was discharged and had a reenlistment code put on my discharge that prevented me from being able to reenlist. My entire life was gone because I was at the wrong place at the wrong time and didn't realize I had a target on my back. I have suffered more from what the military has done/or not done, than anything I experienced from the attack - in spite of the horror of that. I have spent my life since 1982 being so angry I can't describe it. I have been so angry that I don't know that I ever grieved the rape. I looked for counseling, I sought assistance, I knew I needed help and there was nothing anywhere but the strength inside myself. I used the anger to make me strong. I wrote letters challenging my enlistment code, I wrote congressmen, governors, the Air Force itself, I made calls, for 5 years I did everything I could think of to address this and correct it. In Oklahoma City a lady recruiter Pettie Kay found a way to enlist me in the Air National Guard. The day I was back in my uniform was incredible. I stood in my little apartment and stared at myself for hours. I had no one to share the moment with, know one cared, and no one would understand anyway. I was the best damn airman that base ever saw and I made sure of it. I moved on to Nevada and got a full time position with the Nevada Air National Guard. At 38 I was diagnosed with a brain tumor and PTSD, but had served enough time active duty total to be able to retire. The damage of the rape made me unable to have children, I am loosing the site in my right eye, due to the beating, have broken vertebres in my back that were never cared for properly - a result of the beating, and the neurologists say the tumor could be a result of blunt force head trauma that put me in the coma. I give talks to anyone, especially highschool girls, that want to join the military. I take them to lunch, share my story and hope that they can gain from my experiences. In the time before internet, when I didn't know who else had such experiences I knew in my heart I could not possibly be the only one this had happened to. I would tell others to make this visable and people reacted like I was a liar, crazy, unpatriotic and more. I have been blessed with not caring what anyone thinks about me when I know I am on the right track. THANK GOD FOR THIS RESOURCE CALLED THE INTERNET. I knew you all were out there. I suffered and cried for all of you, I worried about those of you that would experience what I have. I wrote letters, stories, did talks, shared hoping somehow I could spare someone what I have had to live with since 1981. Now, with the internet, I can reach more. WE ARE NOT ALONE! We can stop this, we can work together. It appears clear that things like the national organization for women don't care about this, the general public either doesn't know or doesn't want to believe. Oprah can make millionaires out of women that invent things, but her show about this very topic resulted in little or no reaction at all. What is going on? Why won't anyone address this. Rumsfeld was the first official to make this topic an issue within the halls of the White House. He is gone now and so is the topic. However, we all know this is still going on. I would encourage all of us to post, talk, share, and support each other. We are the only resource available to us. We get no help inside the command and should stop expecting it. We can't afford that disappointment anymore. We have got to let the world know every day that every military woman has a "sister" she can reach out to if such horrors occur. We have got to stop looking for support within the ranks that has so deeply disappointed us. These are CRIMES and they must be treated as such! And crimes have legal consequences. The military, government, so called womens' organizations (NOW) could not care less about what happens to military women. We have got to take care of ourselves and use every legal and public means at our disposal to blow the lid of this insanity. This must stop, and we can stop it. The squeaky wheel gets the grease! Women have been dealing with this for centuries and it is time for this to stop. Illegal immmigrants march for their rights and get on the news, families of people killed by drunk drivers get attention, Iraq war heros get attention, we have got to get ourselves together and acting on this now. Anyway, everyway, everywhere. Thank you for allowing me to express the very points I have been making since 1982. Blessings to all, Joyce Curtis - Military Women Advocate and MILITARY RAPE SURVIVOR. (I shout because I am not afraid who knows!) Thank you.