When I log into Feministing, I can't help but notice Jessica's new book "He's a Stud, She's a Slut..." Although I haven't read it, the advertisement on the side has caused me to think about that particular double standard and how it has affected my life. I don't think I fully realized, until recently, just how much damage the slut-double-standard has done to my self-concept.
So, in an effort to help myself get past some of these painful memories and the shame that comes with them, I decided to write about them here.
First, a little background on me: I come from a very loving home, with 2 parents who openly support and care for one another. My mother is also a strong, intelligent woman who never let traditional gender roles hold her back. Despite these advantages, I was sorely naive when it came to boys, sex, and relationships in general. I'm not sure why, but my mom (who was a health teacher for many years) didn't have many open conversations with me about these things. I got the "menstruation talk," but not much else.
Unfortunately, I have an older brother who was into sex pretty early (age 12) and who hung out with friends who had similar interests. I also had a habit of befriending my brother's girlfriends, so I heard a lot of sexual stories before I was ready to. So, even though I grew up in a relationship-friendly environment, I think all the early exposure to sex talk really skewed my view of what relationships (at least among young people) were all about. I assumed this was what you did with boys--you "hooked up," gave hand jobs, blow jobs, and even had sex. That was the focus.
Once I was left alone in a room with one of my brother's friends. I didn't like him and didn't really want to do anything, so I didn't, and you can bet everyone heard about it. For months afterward I was teased about being a "prude."
So it doesn't really surprise me much that when my 8th grade crush came over to my house that summer and needed to rinse off in the shower after sitting in the hot tub for awhile, I decided to join him. We kissed, and he ended up fingering me. I don't really know why I got in that shower, other than it just seemed like what I should do. Part of me enjoyed the experience, but part of me felt really violated. This was my crush--the guy I daydreamed would meet me and then see me as this amazing, beautiful person; the guy I practiced kissing pillows for as I listened to the same love songs over and over. I don't know what I really expected to happen when I stepped in that shower, but it wasn't a finger in my vagina. How romantic for a scared, inexperienced 14 year-old. That was not the scenario I was hoping for.
The first time I had sex I don't even know what really happened. I do know this: I was up in my friend's bedroom (this friend also happened to be my brother's ex) fooling around with a guy named Fred. I vaguely remember my underwear coming off, but that's about it. After Fred left, my friend told me that Fred said (hey, a rhyme!)we had sex. I don't know if he was lying, or if he really thought we had sex and we didn't, or if his penis was really so small that I didn't know we were actually having sex. Or maybe I just blocked it out. To this day, it is genuinely a mystery. I was terrified that I might get pregnant, but I was lucky enough to escape that disaster. Needless to say, that was the last I heard from Fred, and I cried for quite a few months over it. For a long time, the whole Fred situation (see the part about high school, below) was very painful for me, and I can honestly say that it has taken me years to get over it. The blow to my self-esteem was ENORMOUS, and it totally wrecked my confidence as a young woman.
I ran with the "fast" crowd that summer, and I ended up having some more of those experiences (but no more sex--the pregnancy scare was enough for me). There were some guys that I really liked, and some that I didn't. What saddens me is that I could never figure out that sex (or sexual activity) does not necessarily equal love. I always felt, even with the guys that I really wanted to know as people, that the sex stuff should come first, that that's what I was supposed to be doing with boys--never did the word "friendship" cross my mind. Friendship was for "nice" boys that I really wasn't attracted to.
When I made it to high school after my "promiscuous" summer, I found that my reputation had preceded me. Everyone knew about the shower. Everyone knew about the first time I had sex. The boys laughed, sniggered, smirked when I walked by. The girls were just as bad. My friends would tell me some of the things they heard, and it cut me to the core.
What was especially painful was that I really liked some of those boys (god knows why--the delusion of good looks and popularity, maybe?) I never meant anyone harm. If the "relationship" didn't work out, I would have been kind, polite. I never would have just stopped talking to someone, and then go tell the entire school population what I did with (to) him. But I was the one being talked about like I was a piece of trash, like I was less of a person. And why? Because of that slut-double-standard. I was the slut, the used piece of meat. But the guys? The guys were cool, because they had gotten something and I was the stupid slut who gave it up.
Sadly, some of my girlfriends bought into the double standard. There was one night when I ended up kissing 2 guys--1 at the beginning of the night and the other toward the end. The next day at school, while rounding the corner to the cafeteria, I was met with a chorus of "slut alert, slut alert, slut alert" from my so-called friends.
I can remember this kind of talk quite often during my high school years--not just from my friends, but other girls as well. Everyone was so eager to gossip about the latest slutty behaviors that someone else engaged in. And of course, I heard guys talk about other girls, too. I remember vividly a lunch period in which a guy was talking about the mole on his girlfriend's butt and how it sometimes prevented him from getting turned on. The reason I remember this so well is that I always wished I had said something, that I had stood up for this girl. I knew what it felt like to be the victim of trash-talk.
Luckily, I eventually found a male best friend, who was just my friend for a few years. And I discovered how incredible it is be sexual with someone you like and respect, and who actually likes and respects you back.
But in my senior year, I also discovered that sometimes just plain old sex is great, too. I did a lot of sexual experimentation with Rick, who I really had nothing in common with other than an amazing sexual chemistry. Rick was also very open about masturbation, and we used to talk about it on a regular basis. He helped me overcome my shame with that area of my sex life. The difference between Rick and my early experiences, however, was that I knew what I was getting into. I didn't mistake sex for love. I didn't expect a relationship. I knew that Rick respected me, even though we would never have much of an intellectual or emotional connection. I knew he wouldn't brag about what we did or put me down or treat me like an object. We could talk honestly about what we were doing. We practiced safe sex. Some of my fondest high school memories are of Rick.
Thank you for listening to my story. Writing this has helped me to see that I am not a bad person for the way I acted. I can see now that the problem has more to do with our culture than it has to do with me as a person. I didn't get treated badly because I was a stupid slut (or whore, or whatever you want to call me). I was treated badly because our society says that it's okay to see women this way. Guys aren't ridiculed like this.
I wish I had known differently, that someone had pulled me aside and told me how it was, straight up, but no one ever did. I wish someone had said, "Look, there are all kinds of guys out there. Some really want to get to know you for you, and some just want to get in your pants. Whatever you decide to do sexually, it's YOUR choice--just be aware of what you're getting into, and know that you do have a choice. You don't have to be sexual in order to get a guy to like you. And beware that people may talk about you and put you down for what you do, but at the end of the day, you only have to answer to yourself. And you can help to break the cycle by standing up to those people (male or female) who think it's okay to label someone a slut, or any other degrading sexual term. There is no need, EVER, for a slut alert."
0 TrackBacks
Listed below are links to blogs that reference this entry: Slut Alert.
TrackBack URL for this entry: http://www.feministing.com/cgi-bin/movabletype/mt-tb.fcgi/8682
Wow. This is a really powerful post. My heart aches for you when you were younger, but I am so glad you were able to take these negative experiences and the mean-spirited gossip and become a stronger, better person.
That part at the end--that is exactly what I want to tell my future children when they're old enough to understand. I've thought a lot about the types of things I would say, and you're last paragraph is exactly it.
Thank you so much for sharing.
Izzy
i also want to thank you for posting this. i was a wild-child myself and it put me in a lot of bad situations. i still have not gotten over it. im married now, but i feel like my past gets in the way of having a fulfilling sex life with my husband. i wish that i could own my sexuality and not feel so shameful about it, but i dont really know how. while i am still working through this, it made me feel better to read that someone else had similar experiences. thank you again.
Melandee, apologies if I'm being impertinent, but could you elaborate on the ways your "past gets in the way of having a fulfilling sex life with [your] husband?"
The reason I ask is because this is one of the major lines of reasoning behind contemporary U.S. Conservative Protestant Christian abstinence movements. I grew up "within" this movement (well, with the caveat that I was the only immigrant, non-White and non-Western person within my specific community, so I was never fully "one" of them in the same sense), and they are very much into abstinence-till-marriage as a way of "guarding one's heart" and creating an ultra-special intimacy between husband and wife. (FWIW, the ones I knew equally encouraged men and women to "guarding" their emotions thus).
I was having a debate with my mother about this yesterday. She takes the view that one's heart can only be fully shared with one person, and that even serial monogamy (to say nothing of "casual" encounters) stretches the heart beyond its capacity for love. I argued that I have plenty of "love" (and I feel that she was using "love" as a veiled reference to sexuality, BTW) to go around and that I'm capable of loving more than one person without being haunted by their ghost when with the person I DO end up married/partnered to.
But this is all hypothetical, since I've only had one serious romantic partner, so I thought I'd get your take.
Hi WitchCraft,
I feel you...
First of all I feel that it is completely ridiculous that there is a double standard.
Men and women are obviously not treated equally, but when it comes to sexual endeavors, why must women have to watch what they do in fear of their reputation when men are free and encouraged to sleep with as many women as possible?
High school was a difficult time to live through with all of the sexual experimentation the kids were engaging in.
I always tried to stay out of the gossip and conversations, putting myself into the shoes of those who people gossiped about- because I know that would not feel good.
Thanks for sharing your stories they were touching!
"Melandee, apologies if I'm being impertinent, but could you elaborate on the ways your 'past gets in the way of having a fulfilling sex life with [your] husband?'"
I'm curious too, because my situation is the opposite. When I was a teen I was scared shitless of sex and avoided guys like the plague. So I haven't had many sexual partners and now I keep wishing I had gotten that whole "slutty" phase that a lot of other young women go through out of the way before I got with my current boyfriend. I love him to death and I'm not even really interested in sleeping with other people right now, but I wish I had done it a few years ago.
"I am not a bad person for the way I acted. I can see now that the problem has more to do with our culture than it has to do with me as a person. I didn't get treated badly because I was a stupid slut (or whore, or whatever you want to call me). I was treated badly because our society says that it's okay to see women this way. Guys aren't ridiculed like this.
I wish I had known differently, that someone had pulled me aside and told me how it was, straight up, but no one ever did. I wish someone had said, "Look, there are all kinds of guys out there. Some really want to get to know you for you, and some just want to get in your pants. Whatever you decide to do sexually, it's YOUR choice--just be aware of what you're getting into, and know that you do have a choice. You don't have to be sexual in order to get a guy to like you. And beware that people may talk about you and put you down for what you do, but at the end of the day, you only have to answer to yourself. And you can help to break the cycle by standing up to those people (male or female) who think it's okay to label someone a slut, or any other degrading sexual term. There is no need, EVER, for a slut alert." "
This is brilliant!!! I work with young women and sex is a topic they often want to discuss, this is essentially exactly what I have been talking about, but if various different ways. With your permission I would like to quote you in the future. Please let me know if this is okay with you. Thanks!
SexySmallTowneFemme.
Wow, I'm really flattered. Sure, you can quote me--no problem.
And thanks to everyone for such positive responses. It took a lot for me to put that out there, and it has really helped to write about it and to get such great support.
witchcraft2573,
I've also had similar experiences to you. I remember the group of guys I used to hang around with in middle school called me "the kissing whore," even when most of them had kissed more girls than I had guys.
One of these "friends" ended up raping me in high school, which I have never actually said in writing before. This got framed by the whole school as me being a "skank," who "stole" another girls' boyfriend. I was so confused that I didn't label it "rape" for several years or stand up for myself--I just let my classmates beat down my self esteem. I felt, and was seen as, the "bad" one, not him. I was the slut, he was the stud. He took the respect my classmates once had for me and added it to his own.
I think it is really important to reflect on our sexual histories and how they have been shaped by culture and stereotypes, so thanks for bringing up this important topic.
it is kind of hard to explain my whole history in a comment, but i will try.
i began experimenting with drugs and alcohol at a young age. i suffered from untreated depression and anxiety throughout my teen years. i managed to keep up my grades so my parents never really noticed anything was wrong and i was able to sneak out at nights and get into trouble. i had very low self-esteem. i thought the only way for boys to like me was if i performed sexually for them (this was pretty much exclusively while drunk). so i guess i dont associate sex with love. i feel like its something dirty. its not like i CANT enjoy sex ever, but its something i have to really work at.
i dont agree with the whole saving yourself for marriage thing, unless that is what someone really wants to do. i just think one should be emotionally mature enough to handle it. and sober.
it was difficult for me to write about that. so i apologize if i didnt answer the question very well.
Melandee,
On the contrary, what you say makes lots of sense. Thank you for sharing your experiences; I know it wasn't easy to do that.
Best of luck to you.