(Excerpted from a post at The Feminist Underground )
Othering is "a way of defining and securing one’s own positive identity through the stigmatization of an 'other.' " It is the "[s]implistic recognition of normal human diversity, combined with ethnocentric thinking [that] can lead to a tendency to depict ‘others' ...as somehow, categorically, topologically, intrinsically, DIFFERENT." It is also incredibly common.
Othering is so common, in fact, that people are often unaware that they are doing it, and will even Other you to your face - while smiling at you. I've been thinking about how to best handle this type of 'smiling othering' since reading two excellent posts about this phenomenon, one I recognize all too well.
The first example comes via Female Science Professor , who writes about a conversation she had at a recent overseas conference where a male scientist said to her “I once worked with a Female Scientist.” He then wanted to discuss just how novel an experience working with a woman - in science! - had been.
The next is from Carmen at Anti-Racist Parent , who got Othered at a Staples. She was waiting in line to make some photocopies, when the man in front of her turned around and asked if she were Hawaiian. When she told him that she was not, he kept hounding her about her ethnicity until she admitted that she had some Chineese ancestry. He then tried to speak Mandarin to her, even though she'd already explained that she was born and raised in California.
In both examples, the conscious intent wasn't to make anyone uncomfortable - in fact, the speakers were trying to be friendly. The result, however, is to point out - repeatedly - that the male/white is normal and accepted, while anything else is remarkable and calls for an extended explanation.
I'm going to guess that most of us have been Othered at various points in our lives, and sometimes by people who seemed to mean no harm. So my question is - how have you been othered, and how did you deal with it? When someone seems good-natured even as they insist that we are different , how should we respond?
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This is an awesome and truly useful post that I hope a lot of people will comment on.
How have I been othered? There aren't enough hours in the day to remember those tales, much less recount them.
Here're just a few:
"Are you Mixed? No? Really? Because you really look Mixed!" [Nope, sorry.] "Well, it's just that, you know, your hair, and your skin, and your--" [No.] "You have that Look [as in the Roxette song, ha ha?]--no, the Look of Mixed."
"Where're you from?" [Texas.] "No, originally." [Born 'n' bred.] "No, really."
"Oh, I'm learning (name of language not remotely related to my parents')." [Really, that's interesting. I don't know anything about that language; tell me more.] "Oh, well, I mean, I'm sure you'd know all about it." [I really wouldn't.] "But it's from ___ ___ (name of region of continent)." [Yeah, it's a big continent.]
"Ohmigod, I LOVE your culture!"
"Oh! Did you get that scar in a ritual?" [WTF stare directed at speaker; I would love to answer falsely, "No, in an auto accident."].
"You're really ____? That's a very unusual ethnicity in America." [Er, thanks.]
Very occasionally, I have to make self-Othering comments because the Smiling Othering is so smiling that the atmosphere feels super-charged and I experience a lot of discomfort I feel compelled to dispel. So, if I'm in a room with certain people who have been known in the past to be persistently, agressively Smiley-Othering, I will pre-empt it by saying loudly, "Oh look, all the minority grad students are gathered here today" or "Like my bracelet? I bought it in the MOTHERLAND."
I am Serbian Orthodox and our church and wedding ceremony is very ritualized. It was unbelievable how many people thought nothing of using the words strange and weird when talking about our wedding ceremony. The polite people would just say things like unusual or different. I have no problem asking questions but I would rather people not treat my culture like it's an oddity
My worst experience was when someone tried to use me to "other" someone else, that someone else being a child... As a teacher, I had a mother of a white Australian boy come to see me and begin her conversation with, "I'm not racist, but..." What she wanted me to do was to stop her child from playing with another boy with whom he had struck up a friendship. The problem, she tried to explain with a smile, was not the fact that this boy was of Asian background, but because he was "different", and she would prefer her son to be playing with boys "similar" in background to her own son. Obviously I refused point blank to intervene in any way, saying to her that it was not part of my role as a teacher to sanction friendships between children. I also smiled right back at her. The real irony of the situation was that I am married to an Asian man and have an Asian surname even though I am white myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Was this woman stupid, plain ignorant or just so racist she didn't care?
My sons are obviously mixed race and have caucasion facial features and body shape, but Asian colouring. They also have their father's Asian surname. They are constantly asked why they have a Chinese surname but don't look Chinese. They've been asked if they are Greek, Italian or Spanish. When I am with them and they refer to me as "Mum", you can detect the questions forming in people's minds as I am very fair with blonde hair. Usually it's, "Their father must be very dark", but one person asked me, in front of them, while they were quite young, whether they were adopted. I responded with a very curt and dismissive, "No". Then on the way home came the question in a little voice, "Mum, what does adopted mean?"
AliCat, WTF?!?
I'm sputtering. My concern is not over the woman's words. My concern is that she felt comfortable enough--in her privilege, perhaps?--that she could approach a relative stranger and confidently make that request of you...without in any way fearing that your reaction would be one of disgust and shock as opposed to the cozy "white lady's club" commiseration she expected. Disturbing.
And the comments about your kids' looks? Again, privilege talking. Why can't people just keep their rabid curiosity to themselves? What compels them to think they WON'T offend by commenting on the physical appearance of not only your kids, but you yourself?
As a child, I asked such questions because I was in some way trained to it by the numerous strangers who would make such inappropriate inquiries of me. But as a teenager, I realized that making other people uncomfortable can't make up for my own discomfort in being quizzed about my ethnicity/culture. So for many years now I have held my tongue and, thankfully, avoided Othering those around me!
Okra
The boys' friendship inevitably did end as the result of pressure from home. It was actually sad for this woman's boy as the friendship had a calming and positive effect on her child. I was not free to divulge information to her about the other child, but he was friendly to everyone, well-behaved, respectful and academically gifted. Her own child was academically challenged, and prone to bouts of disruptive and anti-social behaviour, as were his older brothers. While his friendship lasted with the boy of Asian background, his behaviour improved and he was able to concentrate on his studies better. When the friendship ended, he actually went through a period of very difficult behaviour, obviously because he wanted to be friends with the other boy, but was told from home that he was not allowed to be. This woman was not able to see beyond the colour of her own skin. She certainly saw her white skin as superior and giving her a position of privilege, and expected me to have the same views because of my white skin, (despite my surname!), but in fact, it was her child who was disadvantaged. How I would loved to have said this to her at the time, but obviously, for professional reasons I could not.
But even I have been "othered" and teased with my white skin. People will find something about you if they want to. My parents migrated to Australia from England when I was a child, and so I went to school with an English accent. I was called a "pommy bastard", a popular put-down of English people by Australians. Now I meld in pretty well, and my accent is not so obvious. However people sometimes remark that I speak "well". Hah!!!!!!!!!!! Is it a compliment or not?
Okra
The boys' friendship inevitably did end as the result of pressure from home. It was actually sad for this woman's boy as the friendship had a calming and positive effect on her child. I was not free to divulge information to her about the other child, but he was friendly to everyone, well-behaved, respectful and academically gifted. Her own child was academically challenged, and prone to bouts of disruptive and anti-social behaviour, as were his older brothers. While his friendship lasted with the boy of Asian background, his behaviour improved and he was able to concentrate on his studies better. When the friendship ended, he actually went through a period of very difficult behaviour, obviously because he wanted to be friends with the other boy, but was told from home that he was not allowed to be. This woman was not able to see beyond the colour of her own skin. She certainly saw her white skin as superior and giving her a position of privilege, and expected me to have the same views because of my white skin, (despite my surname!), but in fact, it was her child who was disadvantaged. How I would loved to have said this to her at the time, but obviously, for professional reasons I could not.
But even I have been "othered" and teased with my white skin. People will find something about you if they want to. My parents migrated to Australia from England when I was a child, and so I went to school with an English accent. I was called a "pommy bastard", a popular put-down of English people by Australians. Now I meld in pretty well, and my accent is not so obvious. However people sometimes remark that I speak "well". Hah!!!!!!!!!!! Is it a compliment or not?
Sorry about the double posting. I was told there was an error so posted again, and it came out twice. Apologies.