Reading so many posts about name changing for marriage makes me think about my own name-changing debate. I'm not particularly inclined to get married, since the history of the institution makes me slightly sick to my stomach, but I've been considering for a little over a year changing my name.
My parents separated when I was 16, and my dad has always been a verbally abusive, neglectful parent. I haven't spoken to him in over two years, and having his last name makes me uncomfortable. My mother has since remarried, and while I like her new husband, I don't feel comfortable with his last name either. My mother suggested I take her maiden name, but I don't feel close to her family. In fact, I think if her family knew anything about me (i.e. my non-religiosity, my political liberalism, the fact that I'm a flaming feminist), they would feel inclined to not speak to me ever again. So I've been thinking that the only two options left to me are to get over having my father's name or change it to something entirely different. Or, if you listen to my mother or more conservative friends, just get married! As if, not being comfortable with having the last name of male relatives, I'll be a-okay with taking the last name of some other man.
So, I'm considering getting my name changed to something completely different. I'm an English major in college and planning on being a professor, so I figured the last name of an author (preferably female, since the whole discomfort of name-changing was brought on by a tradition of taking male names) that I love would be appropriate. I'm leaning towards Austen, partly because I love her, and partly because I think she was an incredibly subversive writer, full of feminist awesomeness. When I mentioned this considered change to my mother, though, she kind of flipped. I think she sees it as me being a traitor to her, like I'm removing myself from my family. But I just want a last name that reflects, to some extent, me. She thinks it's weird that I won't take her husband's last name, but I'll take a dead author's (a stranger). However, I know it would bother her just as much if I took, say, the Greek word for knowledge.
This post was as much about articulating why I want to change my name as asking you guys: is this really that weird? Am I considering a truly feminist alternative to last names or am I just going through an identity crisis? Not very many of my friends have had a real conversation with me about this, and usually spend the next few minutes after I bring it up thinking of stupid last names for me to try. They're just being silly, but I think it's because they don't think it's a big deal, and neither does my partner. It makes it difficult to make the final decision, though, because I can't really engage any of the people close to me about it; my friends and partner think I should just do what I want, and my mother thinks I'm insulting her. So maybe some Feministing readers can give me some outside perspective.
Also, does anyone have any advice on the cheapest and easiest way to change one's name outside of marriage?
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I don't think it is weird to change your name. I've personally never known anyone who just changed it to something completely non-family related, but I don't think it really matters. My friend from high school changed her name from her step-fathers name (which she was given at birth) to her real fathers name once she reunited with him. A couple I know both changed their names to his grandmother's maiden name when they got married (since neither of them wanted to keep their own names). I don't have any advice on what to tell your mother to help her get over it though, sorry.
Identity crisis? Maybe-if you're in college, you're at the prime identity crisis stage, and you say you've only been thinking of this for a year. How much will it damage your relationship with your mum if you become Ms. Austen? Maybe you could add in another name from your mum's family, as another middle name? I'd give it a bit more time, in any case.
I knew a woman who actually changed her entire name-she was named for her father's mother, and the father abandoned this woman and her mum when she was little-and this was in Saudi Arabia, where the consequences to a woman and her children when the husband leaves are catastrophic. She changed her name once she was of age, and didn't seem to regret it in any way.
I'm in about the same boat. I don't have a relationship with my father (abusive alcoholic) or my mom's father (abusive alcoholic crackhead). In the next year or so, I am going to change my name to something that is several generations back through female lineage (of course still a man's name, but what can you do) that sounds good with the rest of my name. My mother is also furious and says that I am divorcing her (she also refuses to pay for it... damn). Of course this makes no sense, since I'm getting rid of a name that she LITERALLY divorced and taking one from her side. Whatever, she is crazy.
I think taking an author's name is awesome. I don't love Jane Austen, but if you do, I think you should go for it.
There's only really one way to change your name without getting married, and in Ohio it costs about $150. You have to petition the courts and pay for it to be in the newspaper (totally stupid). You should contact your county courthouse for instructions.
It cost me about $110 to change my name legally. Keep in mind that under American Common Law, you can change your name simply by using it in all aspects of your life. See the Wikipedia article for more info.
As a fellow English graduate (and someone who wrote her honours thesis on Ms. Austen) I think it's a really great idea for you to take an author's name. I'd probably Ms. Woolf or Ms. Eliot, but Ms. Austen's cool too!
I like to look to the great authors of the Regency/Victorian era, Mary Wollstonecraft, Jane Austen, the Brontes, George Eliot, Virginia Woolf, as my literary foremothers (this isn't a new idea - Virginia Woolf was trying to do this in A Room of One's Own (I think that was the essay?)). Why not take what is well known as a woman's name as your own?
I think this is awesome!!! I have a really unique last name, let's just say I get seriously made fun of for it every Christmas, and it rhymes with Holly. In fact, before marrying my dad and taking his name for herself and the kids, my mom wanted nothing more than a daughter named Holly. If you guessed my last name, I am sure you can just imagine the horror of it all. Anyways, I think your decision to change your name is beautiful. I have since come to love my name because it is memorable and unique. But if I was to change it now I would probably use the Gaelic words for Strong Woman and make it work. That is where my first name comes from... my mom wanting a strong woman as her daughter and naming me after her best example at the time. I do believe that in some cultures last names were originally determined by your job (example, Black and Smith, were usually Blacksmiths) because last names were not used until the population exceeded a number that made it reasonable to do otherwise.
Thanks guys for the encouragement!
I actually had not, for some reason, thought of Wollstonecraft. That would be amazing.
I understand why you think I should wait, miki_mouse, but I don't think that's practical. I'm a senior and planning on grad school. I'm going to be publishing very soon, and I would rather do this earlier and avoid confusion than later and have a bunch of hassle. I think the longer I wait, the more of a pain in the ass it would be, and thus not as worth it.
I think you should totally do it. I can see where you're coming from, since I actually have removed both of my parents from my life and don't value a connection to their family heritage at all. But I kept my name because it's just my name, my first and last names have really good assonance (also an English major), and I feel like it would simply be weird to change it -- I guess that whole expectation of taking my husband's name never sunk in. Now, though, he and I have both mentioned how awesome it would have been to pick a totally different name that we could share, and now it's kind of too late (he's publishing also, and I think it would just be confusing while in school). We were thinking of Lebowski, since The Big Lebowski has that great line: "I'm a Lebowski, you're a Lebowski ... " So many authors especially have great names, I'm sure you could find something that's not obvious and really cool.