*Trigger Warning*
Four years ago, I was raped. I was an undergraduate in college, in between my junior and senior years. I had been single for about a year and a half at the time. I was set up on a blind date by a casual friend with a guy, who I will call Alex. I went to a fairly small school, so I knew of him. I had always thought he was cute, and he was a well-liked, affable guy. I think I actually asked her to set me up with him. During the date, I really wasn't feeling any connection, and I politely let him know that even though I was having a good time, I wasn't interested in a romantic or sexual relationship. At the end of the night, he offered to walk me home so I would be "safe." Then, he raped me.
I was in shock. I felt numb. Before this happened, I had only had sex with three men, all long-term boyfriends. I didn't even get my first kiss until I was 17 years old. The week after I was raped, I had sex with three different men that I didn't know, all without a condom. I didn't care what happened to me.
After that week, the pain came. I wanted to die. I was suddenly afraid of everyone (especially men). I was afraid of my neighbors, the maintanence man, my uncles, my male friends, my professors, my own dad. Even worse, I was terrified to be alone. As an only child, alone time used to be my most valued commodity. Now it was excruciating, especially at night.
When I would drive up to my apartment, sometimes it would take me 15 minutes to work up the courage to get out of the car and take the walk to my door. I would get the kitchen knife I had taken to carrying around out of my purse and run full speed to the door. Once inside, I would check anywhere a human being could hide, in closets, under the bed, in the cupboards, behind the shower curtain, ready to stab.
Before bed, I would prop a chair up under the knob of the front door, lock my bedroom door, and prop a chair underneath it. I slept in daytime clothes, with my coat, shoes, my knife, and the phone next to my bed with the lights on. This went on almost every night for two years.
One day, I was coming out of the grocery store with my cart, and there was Alex in the parking lot. I stopped dead in my tracks, and as he passed, he looked me in the eye and asked, "Have you been staying out of trouble lately?" and winked at me. I managed to murmur, "It always seems to find me somehow," before I sat in my car and stared out of the window, in shock. To him, it was a joke. Something to wink about.
It took me a long time to heal. I'm still healing, but the scars are always there. Three days ago, I had to sleep with the lights on. Sometimes lying in the dark feels like being swallowed by the ocean.
The reason why I'm sharing this is because lately, I see the word and the concept of rape being thrown around so casually. If you lose in a video game, you were raped. When an Olympian didn't get a medal, they got raped. I often hear people describing people as looking like rapists as a synonym for looking creepy. A friend of mine "got raped" on her federal income tax. About every other non-comedy movie I see seems to have a rape scene.
Well, guess what? 1 in 4 (or 1 in 3 or 1 in 5, depending on your source) has been raped. So that means, every time someone throws out the word rape in a casual setting, they've got about a one in four chance of triggering a woman (and even about a one in ten chance for men). And you're not just taking them back to the short time of the actual rape, you're taking them back to the hours, days, weeks, months, even years they lost in suffering, in fear.
I am very much aware that my experience is not universal. Everyone has their own way of coping and healing, but I'd be willing to bet that most people who have been assaulted aren't the ones complaining about being "raped" by Halo 3.
All I'm asking is for you to think about it.
Thank you for reading.
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Great post! I too am a survivor and suffered for a long time afterwards in complete fear. Thanks for sharing your story and experience.
wow, thank you for sharing this. I know that I could never imagine your pain or the amount of courage it took to share that, thank you.
I know I have been guilty of once or twice using the word "rape" in the inappropriate situations you mentioned and I have many (mostly guys) friends who say use it too often. I will definitely stop myself from saying it and will tell my friends to think twice about using the word too.
just wanted to let you know your voice was heard.
I've never liked people using the word "rape" in reference to other things like what you mentioned. I even yelled at a friend for using it. But I must say I am guilty of using it in the wrong context but even when I say it I still think of people who have been sexually assaulted (it is not an excuse though).
Thank you for sharing this. I have always thought more people need to rethink it when they say the word rape. I hope you know that there are people who appreciate your courage in talking about this.
Thank you so much for sharing that. You are absolutely right about everything and both as a society and as individuals we need to be sure to fully understand the enormous implications of such a word and the horrors of the act of rape.
Thanks again for sharing. The entire feministing community, I'm sure, appreciates your courage.
Thank you for sharing this, and for bringing up such an important issue. People need to realise that words can and do have such an impact, and they can't be bandied about with such disregard. Thank you for having the courage to post this.
This is extremely well-written and moving. I know it was probably hard for you to share your experience, but thank you for being so brave.
This is *awesome*. Thank you for writing it. I was just complaining about the casual use of the word 'rape' the other day in my LJ. Someone had been "anally raped" by the telecom company. Puhleeze. I wanted to say, "OMG! They came to your house and violated your ass?! You must be terrified and traumatized. Like other rape victims. Glad you shared." But I didn't. It was someone else's LJ, and I just couldn't bring myself to stir the shit. But I might just drop a link to this post.
I am also a survivor and it kills me when people throw around the word rape. I have done preventive education for years, and recently I told my survivor story in a high school. Afterwards a boy raised his hand and said, "Thank you for sharing your story. It makes me realize that I shouldn't ever say things like 'I got raped on the math test' and that I should step in when other people throw that word around like that." I was SO proud of this boy and the whole school actually. So many of the kids just "got it". Can't say that about the other 90% of people I run into. I get sick of schooling people on rape-supportive attitudes and language sometimes when I'm just in my everyday life. However, it is important work for all of us to continue to stay committed to. We're the smart ones, you know. :) Thanks for the article!
I have to admit. Rape means to force dominance on something/one. So if the word rape is being used in a non-sexual tense then i suppose it's alright.
I'm sorry to hear what happened to you? Did you report him? If he can joke about it like this then he might do it again.