One of the most prevalent complaints about feminism that I hear both in the media and from people I personally know is that feminism has killed chivalry. The well-meaning majority of these people are actually referring to are gestures of courtesy shown to women by men, even though the word really connotes a code of honor practiced by medieval European knights. In fact, I am only using the word “chivalry” here because it is so frequently invoked by critics of feminism and, despite the whining of a certain subset of the population about people having tossed it aside, the word still carries a positive connotation, at least here in the United States.
I have well-meaning male friends who sometimes come to me to ask how to be “chivalrous” toward a woman without offending her. Firstly, I must reassure them that, despite anti-feminist whining to the contrary, we women indeed appreciate when men treat us courteously. Their desire to treat the women in their lives with courtesy and kindness is not something to be discouraged. However, due to traditional ideas about the supposedly inherent weakness of women, some of them fail miserably in their attempts. Therefore, I shall now use my position as a young, feminist woman to advise these well-meaning but misguided guys on the subject of how to be courteous without being patronizing.
1. Step away from the actual definition of chivalry and the paternalistic ideas that come with it. According to the American Heritage Dictionary , chivalry is “the qualities idealized by knighthood [including] gallantry toward women”. Women were assumed to be inherently weak and delicate, and they sat on the sidelines while their knights “defended their honor” and such. Do not assume that she is a “damsel in distress” who needs you to be her “knight in shining armor”.
2. Also inherent in that definition is the realization that the recipients of the knights’ chivalry were generally upper class women, not the peasants who comprised the other 90-something percent of the population of their towns. Therefore, treat all women with respect, not just your date, your mother, or other women you deem “respectable”. Besides being a good character trait, your date will be impressed if you treat the waitress bringing your food with similar respect as you are showing to her.
3. Do not make a spectacle of your courtesy. When you dramatically open a door for a woman or give a speech about how you are “easing her burden” by carrying her bags, you are most likely embarrassing her more than impressing her. It shows more arrogance than respect. Don’t expect to be congratulated for practicing common courtesy.
4. Avoid basing respectful treatment on a person’s gender. Offer your bag-carrying, seat giving-up, and door-opening services to anyone that might need your help, regardless of gender and/or your desire to impress that person. Also, do not be offended when a woman does similar things for you. Please walk through the door when I hold it open for you without acting emasculated. I’m doing it because it is not nice to slam doors in other people’s faces, not to imply that you are not sufficiently manly.
5. Most importantly, ask her before you do anything for her. Ask her if she would like you to carry that heavy box for her instead of browbeating her into giving it to you. Sure, step in if she’s about to drop the thing on her foot, but don’t assume that you will be helpful to her by virtue of being male. Allow her to accept or decline your offer, and don’t continue to press the matter if she decides that she can carry that box by herself. Acknowledging her capability as such is actually more respectful than the “chivalrous” act itself.
So, guys, there you have it. Don’t assume weakness, offer yourself instead of imposing yourself, and most of all, treat everyone with respect without expecting to pad your ego in the process.
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Your point about being equally solicitous of men and women highlights a long-held belief of mine:
Chivalry is dead, thank God. Long live RESPECT.
The difference between the two is exactly what you pointed out: Chivalry is weighted with gendered baggage; respect is being a decent human being in general.
Great post! It made me think of an instance that occurred my sophomore year in college. I was leaving my philosophy class and the hallway was packed, so naturally you have to talk louder and anyone in range can hear your conversation. Well, I happened to be in front of a pair of jerks that were whining like children about how chivalry is dead. I can still remember the conversation today, it went something like:
"Yesterday I held the door open for this really hot girl when I was going to class," says jerk #1.
"Oh yeah? You get her number?" says jerk #2.
"No, but the dumb bitch walked through the door and had the audacity to hold open the next door in front of us. I wanted to kick that bitch through and be like 'Bitch, that's not how chivalry works!' Gosh, chivalry is so dead, these bitches won't let a guy be nice," says jerk #1.
They both guffawed like morons in agreement.
I was fuming, absolutely fuming! To this day I really wish I had turned around and gave him a talking to, although he'd probably just tell someone else a day later about how some "bitch" had the audacity to speak her mind.
hear hear!! :)
LolaLola - wow! That's the clearest example of irony I've seen in a long time. I could picture that conversation word-for-word in, say, The Onion. It's just that ridiculous.
(I don't mean I think you made it up - I'm just amazed how they refuted their own "argument" so well, and were apparently so oblivious. But then, they don't seem like the intelligent sort anyway.)
Chivalry was actually largely invented by a woman, the queen Eleanor of Aquitaine, who kicked all kinds of ass but probably couldn't have conceived of a time when women held doors for men. But the idea of "courtly love" was revolutionary in that it didn't deal with sexual attraction as an inherently sinful thing, because it came down to a woman's choice, and because the emphasis was on the men's courtesy and courage rather than their pocketbooks (yay for class mobility).
@LolaLola: I'm not sure what's more shocking: the conversation itself or that one of the guys actually knew what "audacity" meant.
this is what I try to explain to my guy friends - great post, maybe I'll share it with them. Often they are nice towards me simply because I'm a girl, example - a group of us will be walking towards the car and one guy will yell "shotgun!" but someone else will say "dude girls always get the front seat" - i realize they're just trying to be nice, but seriously why should I automatically get the front seat?
OK, I just stumbled upon this post like six weeks after it was posted. But I love it. So, for anyone else who stumbles upon it a little late:
"Besides being a good character trait, your date will be impressed if you treat the waitress bringing your food with similar respect as you are showing to her."
Fantastic point worthy of everyone's attention. Guys, if you act all sweet and decent to your date and then don't give proper respect to others, male or female, your "chivalry" is completely void. I had a date with a guy who seemed unable to believe I could open a door myself (he would pretty much race me to the door) and proceeded to verbally abuse the waiter for bringing him duck that was too tough. I was literally blushing the entire time, I was so embarassed to be in his company.
"Also, do not be offended when a woman does similar things for you. Please walk through the door when I hold it open for you without acting emasculated. I’m doing it because it is not nice to slam doors in other people’s faces, not to imply that you are not sufficiently manly."
OH MY GOD YES! I went out for lunch with a male coworker the other day who wouldn't walk through the door when I held it. It wasn't even a date, it was just two coworkers who had lunch together. It was ridiculous.