Your doctor's office is really refusing to use your legal name? Sounds like it's time to find a new doctor...

The name change issue is always so fraught, and as someone who chose both a heteronormative legal marriage and kept her last name, I can sympathize with a lot of what you're saying.

For me, it really came down to your number 4: I didn't WANT to change my name, give up a part of who I had been my whole life, and quite frankly, I did NOT feel like doing the paperwork. It also seemed, well, silly and unfair.

I actually haven't gotten too much flack for it (unlike you - wow!). The most frustrating thing has been the simple assumption that because I'm married I've taken my spouse's last name ... mostly on the wedding invitations we've received this summer. For the most part, it's easily handled by returning the RSVP card with my correct name on it, or calling and gently saying, "Just so you know ... " The assumption is so prevalent simply because it's something like 98% of women who marry will change their last names.

I also hate the "you'll get over it once you have kids" line ... on top of everything else, assuming that one WANTS to have kids or that it's anyone's business if you do and what you name them!

Others flat out refuse to use my entire name or ask me rude questions like "don't you respect your husband?"

So not taking your spouse's name means you disrespect them? Then men have been disrespecting their wives for centuries!

Really, I'm not disrespecting my SO for not taking his name; nor is he disrespecting me for not taking mine. We're even.

Wow. It's shocking to me that you got so much BS from people over a hyphenation! Kudos for standing up for yourself. It's an inspiration.

Also, thank you for this post because it sparked a great conversation between me and my fiance. When I brought up the naming issue, he said, "What's the issue?" I was sort of upset by that, and said "Well of course it's not an issue for you; you're a guy! Nobody's asking you to change your name!" (Honey, your privilege is showing!) Turns out, he was trying to tell me that whatever I decided wasn't an issue for him, which is great. But it's still an issue. For me.

Here's my situation: I really love my father, and I like my last name. My fiance isn't really close with his family, and so neither am I. He still identifies with his last name, however, so he wouldn't consider changing it. That's fine by me. But that still leaves me with the question of what to do. His last name is unfortunately long. Hyphenation, for me, would be kind of ridiculous. Something along the lines of Smith-Rabinowitzberg.

So I don't think I'm changing it at all. My fiance totally understands. Now I just have to prepare myself for dealing with the a-holes. Thanks for giving me ammunition.

I am getting married next summer and I will be changing to my partner's last name. I suppose I come at this from a different perspective because as a child-hyphenate, I have been wanting to ditch my clunker last name since grade school and I have gone through enough trial nicknames to prove it.

I think it is sweet and empowering that both of my parents changed their name to a hyphenate, but if that was supposed to make their marriage more feminist and equal, it failed miserably! They had good intentions, but my mom still stayed home catering to my dads every whim while he cheated on her regularly.

I guess I just don't see what is in a name. You should definitely do what you want, I guess that is the point. I just want to do something different.

you took your husband's name?! Why? Don't you know that means he owns you?

Yeah. I've been told that.

People say that stuff to you? Geez, either I'm really sheltered in my fancy-schmancy liberal arts college town with an all-women's school and where EVERYONE's name is hypenated, or you live somewhere awful (guess which is more likely).

I took my husband's name, but I'm considering changing it back, even though I know it'll be a hassle, legally and otherwise. I miss my name. And maybe it'll get my grandmother to stop addressing letters to Mrs. My Husband. I HATE THAT.

I've said this on the other Great Name Change Post Debate, but it never really occured to me to change my name.

I like my last name, my last name is awesome. I am the only person in the whole world with my extremely-common first name (Brittany) and my totally uncommon last name. People always ask where my last name is from and I get complimented on it constantly (I'm a substitute teacher, so I have lots of opportunities for people to hear my last name). I like my last name. I like that when people google me, they find out things about me that they probably wouldn't have realized in real life (I have big holes in my ears, I used to be a slam poet, etc).

What really sealed the deal for me was that I looked up Brittany WouldBeLastName, and there are already a few out there. A high school volleyball star, a high school track runner.

I asked the fiance's input. If it was REALLY important to him, it wasn't so important to me that I wouldn't change it. But he said that he'd never ask me to change my name and it wasn't a big deal...so, it stays. Our children will probably have his last name, and I don't see anything wrong with that.

The fiance's one sadness was that we can't send cards from "The Blanks". Then we realized we send cards with our first names anyway, and once we have children we'll have them write their own names as well.

hmm... i'm really sorry to hear that, I know a few women who have had problems with name change issues (like, from inlaws, etc.)...
I chose not to change my name however. It is my father's last name, so I know that I'm still continuing down the paternal line etc., but it was a name that seemed to signify ME... as most people know, we become rather attached to our names ;), and I'm a local commercial artist that is already semi-well known... and kept it for professional reasons also.

Right after we decided to get married, I said something like 'You know that I'm going to keep my name right?' and he said something along the lines of 'of course you are!' meaning, he knew that would be my decision and was more than okay with it... his family was also fine with it as far as I know... but my family was not... AT ALL.... how weird... I felt like I kept repeating "You gave me this name, why do you want me to change it?"

My mom was especially hard on me about it, saying I should hyphenate and such. What's interesting is my mom and dad were never married, so I have his last name, but my mother and I always did have different last names... and I lived with her growing up... so of all people, I expected her to understand!!! She even through in the 'respect for your husband' line... blah.

Also, I got some funny reactions that were a good laugh sort-of... a friend of mine who's mindset is in the mid 1950's said 'oh how modern!' when I told her and my grandmother asked if it was actually legal for me to do that! haha..

At the end I got my mother to think about things more critically... I just wish that more people questioned things instead of accepting them. If you want to take your husband's name fine, if you want to take your wife's name fine... if you want to (add any other type of name change possibility here).. fine :)

but, happily, everything has worked out, and for the most part, everyone has been very welcoming of my decision... although we have only been married for a month as of yesterday... so we'll see what the future brings in terms of name issues!

We did run into one problem with having different names... I work at a college and also at two museums, so I get into every zoo, museum, etc. for free and can get family in for free if I have my employee. I went to the zoo with my husband and they asked for HIS drivers license to check if his last name matched mine! I said something like "What do you think we rented the rings on our fingers?" when they questioned it. haha

The name thing blows. I've already changed my name once (had mother's last name, now father's last name) and I do really feel like there was a shift in my identity when I changed my name. I missed my old name. I don't get being anti-take hubby's name as a feminist issue, for the most part though. I mean, how is it worse than your father's last name. If I marry, I'm fairly certain I'll take my husband's last name, at this point. Unless I have a professional reason no to, by that point-- I mean, I could write the great American novel ANY day now. I'm kinda bitter about all of the baggage related to the two names I've had, so for me it's an opportunity to start fresh. I just can't imagine judging anyone's choice-- it's personal and it's not Earth-shattering either way.

Women who choose to take their husbands' last names often refer to their own last names as their fathers' names. If that's the case, than your husband's last name is just his father's name.
The implication is that men own their names but women don't, which is obviously false. Both baby girls and baby boys are typically given their fathers' last names. Surnames don't "stick" to the boys more than they do to the girls.
I am pretty uncomfortable with the justification "Naming rituals are patriarchal, so we might as well perpetuate them."

As a topic that has come up between myself and my partner, thank you for sharing your experience. Many many kudos for you for sticking up for your beliefs even when so many people are trying to beat you down.

The changing of one's name after marriage is indeed thoroughly outdated, and it's about time that brilliant Feminists [like everyone here] started to institute a shift in this thinking. Thank you, sarahlmac, for shining a necessary spotlight back on this issue.

And a quick question for all the Feminist mommies in the community: How have you/do you handle the surnaming of your children? My husband to be is supportive of my decision not to change my name, but we have yet to discuss by which name our children will go, and I'm not entirely sure how I even feel about the issue. It's not urgent (we're a number of years away from reproducing), but any input is much appreciated.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, I am constantly inspired by the women on this site.

The naming the kids thing really is a tough one...we've discussed making their middle names my last name and it seems like an ok compromise. It's still not completely fair because they will have my husband's last name if we do that but at least it's something. I would totally just change both of our names to a combination of the two if he would agree to it and if it weren't a total bureaucratic pain in the ass.

Keeping my name was a condition of my engagement. I got a lot of the flack like that written about above--from my mother, who worried what others would think--which is so weird, because she's a closet feminist, but like a lot of moms, I suspect, is uber-concerned with social propriety. I've had worried looks from my husband's sisters, who didn't hesitate to change their names when getting married--I think they had some concern that their family of origin was dying out. My college roommate still refuses to acknowledge that I kept my name. (I'm from the South, and my husband's parents are from the rural Midwest--I now live in Chicago and it's never really been a problem here, but it's weird in those other places). Other friends from high school ask me about my name, and I just tell them, with a smile, that I'm a "Lucy Stoner" and then leave them to figure it out. It was really hard for me to have the conversation with my husband's parents out loud; I eventually had to write an e-mail explaining where I stood. But now they call me by my name, and I'm really pleased. My husband still takes occasional flack from co-workers and more conservative friends, but I secretly think I'm turning him into a feminist, too.

Our solution with regard to the kids' names issue has been to give them an entirely different name from ours. My husband and I each kept our own names, and because we didn't want to hyphenate or have everyone in our family except one parent sharing a name, we happily chose a new one for our kids to share with each other. Our first child was born two years ago, and we steeled ourselves for an onslaught of criticism from his conservative family, but apparently they're afraid of us or something, because they kept quiet. My grandma was surprised to learn that it's possible to put a random name on a birth certificate, but then she was like, "Neat; I never heard of that." One acquaintance worried before I was even pregnant that our children would "have no identity," but since that's absurd, I just ignored her. Our son's pediatrician and so forth seem to think it's perfectly normal; we've had no practical problems at all. Sometimes I get a message for Mrs. MySon'sLastName rather than Dr. MyLastName, but that seems cute instead of pissing me (and my husband) off as Mrs. MyHusband'sLastName would do.

But I suspect I'm liberal-university-town lucky that this choice has worked out so smoothly.

It works for our family!

I will probably marry my boyfriend, but I would not even consider taking his name!

First of all, I am intimately connected with my name. I identify with my name fully. That is probably because I'm the only person I know that has my last name.

See, my mother remarried and she and her new husband had me. Her other daughters had her first husband's name. 3 weeks after my arrival, my mother died. I ended up being raised by my aunt and uncle. So, my half-sisters had a different name, my adoptive brother and sister and "parents" had a different name, and my biological dad wasn't around.

Also, my last name isn't all that unusual, but the way that it is spelled is quite unusual.

The second reason is that my boyfriend is a widower, and his former wife and I just happen to share the same first name. So taking his name would be really effing weird for that reason too.

I suggested that he take mine, but he thought that it would be too difficult for him to do that... But he did say that he would consider changing his middle name to my name.

I have some friends who made up a new last name, by combining aspects of each name. I really like that, but I don't think it would work for us.

I'm guessing that the way I would respond to people questioning my choice isn't all that helpful, as I'd probably tell anyone who was something other than curious to screw off.

The wife/mother is the core of a family, the most important part. (not implying that all mothers must be married or vis versa) You can remove the man from a family, and it's still a family. Men should change their last names to their wife's last name, that seems a lot fairer to me.

When I was married, I should of kept my maiden name and hyphenated it. However, I was stupid to drop my name all together. After my maiden name was legally restored, just getting documents changed was hell and costly. Had to go through red tape, pay extra money, and deal with the questions "did you get married"? If I get married again, I will keep my name. There is no reason why I need to take the last name of someone else. If anyone wants to take the husband's last name, I would suggest hyphenating it. Believe me, think its hell when you get married, its more hell after a divorce.

The name change question should be a non-question. The only question should be, "What do you want to be called?" I have a friend who suggested she and her husband BOTH hyphenate their names. No action yet, but he wasn't particularly opposed. Everyone ELSE? You would have thought they had suggested changing their last names to racial slurs.

What I like to remember when people start talking about "tradition" is that women have NOT always taken their husbands' names, particularly royal or noble women. It's not like Eleanor of Aquitaine became Eleanor of Anjou when she married the future Henry II. None of Henry VIII's wives became Anne or Katherine Tudor. Silly examples, maybe, but something to hold onto when you're faced with a pointless argument.

As for me, hyphenating was not in the phonetic cards! (Two real clunkers.) But when I made it know to my that I was changing my maiden name to my middle name (as my mom did), I was surprised with my husband's miffed and disappointed reaction. "But *we're* going to be your family now." "... Yes, but I don't lose the *first* one." I could tell his mother was disapproving, but she is the epitome of tact, and warmly acknowledged it as a personal decision. I think I also have the best of both worlds, since I still use my maiden name professionally. Most important for me, I feel very connected to my new name combination. And what on earth is more personal than your name? No one else should be able to say word one about it.

Thank you all for this wonderful dialog. I have been married for 18 1/2 years now and would like to re-claim my 'self.' I originally was going to hyphenate my name, but my husband to be gave me pouty eyes. I love and respect my husband more each day, but I feel as if I have lost ME. I am Hispanic and proud of my heritage, but my married name does not reflect who I am.

I live in California and have the right to use any name as a common law name, but I’m not sure that’s enough. I have just started hyphenating my name (without legally changing it), and am at a crossroads. It will cost me around $400 to add my birth surname through the court process just so I can identify me. After the legal process is complete, I will then have to change my passport, driver license, social security card, credit cards, mortgage, etc. Is it worth the trouble or should I just go on with my right to use my common law name choice and hyphenate without going through the legal steps.

I also heard that if I (legally) hyphenate my name, I will have created a whole new name. But if I just add my birth surname, without the hyphenation, I will just have an additional name. This could resolve the issue of having to change every document known to man that has my current legal name on it. Oh my – way too many things to think about! Maybe I’m going through a mid-life crisis! hahaha :)

Technically both my husband and I hyphenated, but neither of us has gone through the hassle of changing our names. I guess because we haven't changed them through Social Security, our names are actually still as they were before we were married. Anyway, I just wanted to share a story of some trouble I got about not changing my name. My mother in law had been trying to coax me from the first time I met her to raise our son and follow the traditions of her family's religion- even though I'm from a different religious/cultural background. (I guess because my husband is the man, I should give up my own heritage for his?) She really wanted our son to have her last name, and tried to convince me that having a hyphenated name would somehow damage him. She said that because she was a teacher, she's seen the terrible things that come from hyphenated names. Beware! BEWARE THE HYPHEN!! *cue spooky sound FX*

opera_ating: Can you elaborate? I'm dying to know what kinds of horrible things happen to kids with hyphenated names. Inexplicable space diseases? Zombie attacks? COMMUNISM?????

Nothing so bad as communism, but I grew up with a hyphenate/combination name and there were some minor, mostly funny, issues.

First, when my name was being called in class, most teachers either stopped at my first last name (ironically, my mother's) or awkwardly proceeded to call half of my second name because the full thing never fit on their printouts. I can't tell you how much permanent psychological damage this caused me. The psychiatric bills are out of this world. Dry sarcasm.

Second, every time I had a crush on someone in high school, the mean kids would ad that person's last name onto my own. No one ever called me by my first name, they always called me by all my names and a few extra. Again...can you imagine the trauma!?!?

Seriously though, the teasing was never a real issue. It was usually just some innocent ribbing that I surely would have been subjected to in some fashion regardless of my name. And I was proud of my feminist parents.

The worst for me is that I grew up apathetic about my names. I still am. My partner has a lot of history to his name, I have about 28 years of history to mine. I'm not going to hyphenate or combine my name again. I'm also kind of looking forward to being able to fit my name in the space provided on forms.

Ironic. In Quebec women are *not allowed* to take the names of their husbands.

However, all this does is cover up the fact that "your" name is your dad's. Another guy, no?

Recently I stumbled on a very, very interesting compromise, but it only applied to naming children: combining both last names, a la "brangelina" (even if this is a first-name combo). For example, if your name is Smith and your husband is Bonano, then you could call your kids either Smonano or Bonith, or any combo you choose. Personally, I think this is the *perfect* solution for *both* spouses when they get married. Even if it's only reflective of the dads' names...

I've had this convo with my girlfriend, eer partner, my loving whatever. She would dance around about being Mrs. MyLastName. I had mentioned keeping her last name (because I'm conseridate and open minded). She suggested hypenation. I was totally opposed to the idea. (becaue I'm really closed minded at times). You either keep your last name, or you change it. It seems like half-assing to me, not so much as compomise. She is down with keeping her last name. But the question arised what sur names to give our children. I suggested male children get my last name, and female get hers. She was against that; she wants her childrens last name to match her's. I had this icelandic dread; The line of Paul son of Robert passes into obscurity =( So we're where we started; Shes back todpoing her happy dance about being Mrs. MyLastName. Circle are better when thet're full I guess.

On the name change issue, I am leaning on the left side of the fence. Being a hypenated child is something you don't wanna go through. My mom decided to add my dad last name to my original last name. The problem with this is that I was in middle school. What's worse is that my mother made it seem like it was my idea, which it wasn't. (I would later find out she did this because if Dad passed away, I would be entitled to some $$$ since mom and dad never were married. Evil, right?!?) All of my records, including high school and college transcripts, and medical records and credit reports, and DMV records, are screwed up. I am going through everything posted earlier and much more. its psychologically draing. My boyfriend and I proably will get marrried. How does L. ABCDE-abcde with an added AbCdE look like or L. ABCDE-AbCdE or L. ABCDE-abcde. Confusing right? Since I am not close with my mother or father I am leaning towards my boyfriends last name so I can have a new beginning.(If we don't last I still keep his name because the thing with my hypenated name is ridiculous!)

I was the only child in my family, and a girl. I hyphenated my name when I got married out of respect for my father. I see absolutely no problem with that. I did receive a lot of flack from ignorant, though in most cases, well meaning friends and family. I still have friends & family that refuse to use my legal name when sending mail, gifts, etc. I have one that leaves the pay to the order portion of any check she writes to me blank because she can't seem to deal with my hyphenated name. I've been married for 13 years and have heard it all. "oh, you're one of those people" was one I heard recently. Keeping my name, and also honoring my husband by taking his name as well, was not pretentious. I take issue with anyone who expresses that. It shows intolerance and has no place in our society.