Okay, so both me and my step-sister (who is like a true sister to me and will be henceforth referred to as my sister) are both bisexual. I came out to my mom two years ago to some mixed feelings. I am adopted, and my mother loves me very much but she's also extremely homophobic. She was born in 1953 and was raised in a Protestant family. She used the typical shoddy arguments of: 1. You just haven't met the right man yet. 2. Why don't you just marry Steve (my male best friend)? 3. But I want grandchildren!
We eventually got past that when my then homosexual relationship ended. I'm assuming my mother just figured I'd gotten through that phase, which obviously is not true despite the fact that I am now in a very healthy and happy heterosexual relationship.
My problem that I need help with is my sister. She has recently come out to our parents and it isn't going well. For starters, she's 17 and is dating a 20 year old woman. Technically, this is illegal. I am somewhat concerned about the age difference, but I also want my sister to be happy. Our parents are not exactly being understanding about the situation though. That being a mild understatement. I don't believe that her dad (my step-father) is a homophobic person. He's not completely supportive of gay rights (he is perfectly okay with civil unions, but not with gay marriage) and he's made some pretty obnoxious comments towards her already. For example, he told her that if she ended up in a lifelong commitment with a woman that they shouldn't have children. When she asked him why, he responded that a child needs to have both a male and female figure in their lives. This is completely hypocritical of him to say because my sister was raised alone by him for the first ten years of her life. She had female figures in her life through other family members and an ex-girlfriend of his.
The main issue is with my mother. She told me to tell my sister that if she catches her sneaking out of the house to meet with her girlfriend that she will call the police. My sister is a good kid and has never been one for sneaking out of the house to begin with, and my mother's passive aggressiveness is also quite aggrevating. According to my sister, my mother has been ignoring her since she came out. She doesn't talk to her and barely looks at her. She didn't act this way with me at all. My sister obviously feels uncomfortable in this situation and according to my mother has told both of our parents that she doesn't want to live with them anymore. My mother views this as having a crappy attitude and being unappreciative. She is so stressed out by this situation that she's saying SHE doesn't want to live in the house with my sister there anymore. She recognizes that she can't ask my step-father to choose between her and his daughter, which is good, but from the sound of it, she's basically saying that she's so upset by my sister being bisexual that she wants to divorce my step-father so she doesn't have to deal with it. She hasn't come out and said that, but that's what it sounds like to me.
She called me on Monday to tell me about these feelings of hers, and she wants my advice. I didn't know what to tell her and we ended up just having a rather intense discussion about the way they have been treating my sister. They aren't letting her go out with her friends (because her girlfriend is currently living with one of her friends who is also underage. I don't know the specifics of that situation) and they clearly don't trust her. They don't want her spending ANY time at all with her girlfriend because they're afraid of what other people will think (they live in a rural town on the Oregon coast which is predominantly conservative). I'm not at all surprised that my sister doesn't want to live there anymore. They're basically treating her like a freak and a prisoner in her own home.
I'm going down there to visit for about 5 days starting on Friday. My question is, what can I do to help keep my family together and to get my parents to start treating my sister like a human being again? I love both my mother and my sister very much and it's extremely difficult being stuck in the middle like this, especially when I am bisexual as well.
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All I can tell you is to support your sister, and play it by ear. I don't know your family, but I know that sometimes mine is more dramatic about what's going on over the phone than in person.
Have you met this girlfriend of your sister's? The age difference sounds a little weird to me now that I'm 23, but I do remember dating guys that age when I was 17. So i don't know. I guess I can't offer specifics, but I will say good luck, and that I feel for your situation.
Whilst I haven't been in the same scenario, I can empathize with your predicament. Not fun! Perhaps try getting your Mum to break down and clearly define what her concerns are. (eg. Are you worried because she's in a homosexual relationship, or because the relationship is illegal? What specifically is she doing that worries you, give an example?)
Also, have your parents met and talked to your sisters girlfriend? Does she realize how old your sister is, and if so, does she have a reasonable explanation for not waiting a year?
Good luck!
First, your sister's girlfriend is not a criminal. I'm not admitted to practice law in Oregon, so I can't represent you or your sister, but I can read a statute and tell you what it says. In Oregon, then the age of consent is 16 -- for PIV, for "sodomy," for every purpose the rape statutes discuss. A seventeen year old woman and a twenty year old woman having non-commericial, private, consensual sex in Oregon are not violating any law I know of. If you know an Oregon lawyer with criminal or family law experience, you should find out if there's any wierd wrinkle like "contributing to the delinquency of a minor", but it's not statutory rape. If this is headed for a showdown, having a lawyer lined up is a good idea, and maybe there is a queer advocacy org that can provide specific advice.
(Oregonians? There's no shortage of Oregonians in the feminist blogosphere. Can someone hook this young woman up with local legal advice for a queer teen facing threats from her family?)
About the statute, you can look here. I checked on LEXIS, because I have it in the office, but you can probably find the statute on Findlaw.
One Monster Caveat to that: tell them not, under any circumstances, to create a visual image of any kind! Federal child porn laws supersede the state laws, and a sexually explicit image of someone under 18 is child porn. I'm simplifying here, but there is some precedent for teens being prosecuted for making images of themselves underage! So no cell phone pics. No sex pics, no nude pics, and just to be safe, no kissing pics. Not fucking kidding! No pics! Not of the older GF, either, because providing those to a minor could expose her to prosecution. It might be unlikely, but in a tough spot it's exposure they don't need.
About the age thing, people vary a great deal. In one's teens and early twenties, a three-year age difference can be huge (imagine a left-back eighth grader and a young, college-bound senior: 14 and 17 respectively, but worlds apart) or could be nothing (young sophomore and older senior; they could be in the same elective classes). I don't know these people. I'm assuming a healthy relationship because you have not indicated to the contrary. She's your sister, I'm sure you have your opinion on the relationship.
(This brings back memories of the time I headed out the door to go have under-18 but legal sex with my under-18 but legal, opposite-sex partner over my mother's screaming objection. I said, "I'm taking the car. Report it stolen." I think she thought about it, but we were eyeball to eyeball and she blinked.)
Confrontations with parents over teen sex are at least as old as parental prohibitions on teenage sex, and this adds the layers of homophobia. It's all kinds of ugly, and the truth is none of us can know enough about your situation to tell you when or if your mother will calm down, when or if your stepdad will support your sister, whether she can keep her head down or what happens if it comes to a showdown. We just can't know enough. Hopefully friends closer to you can help.
Based on the feedback I got from my queer friends when I was a teen and conversations I've had since, I think the one thing you can for-sure do for your sister is to support her. That's a nebulous word, and sometimes when I hear it, I think, "yeah, great, but what the fuck does that mean?" Here's what I mean by support: she probably is still dealing with the fallout of falling for a woman, and still not steady on her feet about her identity as bi -- a tough identity, since biphobia hits folks not only from the straights, but also from the gay and lesbian community, where if they were gay or lesbian they could expect support. She may know she's not a freak and that she did nothing wrong and that her parents' bigotry is unreasonable and not their fault, but against a constant drumbeat of pressure, she'll need reaffirmation. In order to keep believing that there's nothing wrong with her, she's going to need to hear it from somewhere. That's the support you can offer.
I wish her the best of luck.
Thomas, thank you for your considerable reply. I really appreciate it. To be honest, I don't know the girl that my sister is with and I don't believe my parents have met her either. I'm sure they don't want to meet her. So I can't honestly make a judgment on whether the relationship is healthy or not.
One thing I forgot to mention is that my sister has known that she was bi since she was 12. Just all her previous relationships have been with boys. I will do my best to be supportive of her, but it will be a struggle to be supportive of her and not alienate my mom at the same time. However, my mom has my step-dad to support her and my sister doesn't have anyone right now (except her girlfriend of course and some of her friends who know about the situation). I'll make sure she sees this when I go home tomorrow as well.
Also thank you for the well wishes from Kathryn and vcb123.
Maeve, you may want to contact these folks: they may be able to find legal advice, family advice, and support for your sister.
Things have changed a lot since I was your age. When I was in high school, nobody was really out, and only a handful of people were known to their friends to be queer. I can't remember someone my age whose parents were just flat-out accepting. Not long ago, I talked with a colleague of mine, a father of two college-aged daughters, both lesbian, and from a conservative part of the country, and when they came out as teens, they had his unqualified support from the word "go." When I was in high school, the Supreme Court reaffirmed that states could prosecute criminally for sodomy. Now, sodomy laws are unconstitutional, many companies and cities have nondiscrimination policies that cover both sexual orientation and gender expression, and marriage equality is a reality in two states, and available to many folks in a third. The arc of history is long, but it bends towards justice.
... and by "your age", I meant your sister's age. I have no idea how old you are, Maeve. (Nice Gaelic name.)
Thank you again Thomas. I'm 25. :-) I'll be sure to pass along that link to my sister.
Just a line of thought: parents often have (unconscious) expectations of how their children will grow up. Being bisexual, engaging in a lesbian relationship and the like are usually not part of their expectations.
I have no idea what it's like to come out in the US, as a heterosexual in old Europe. Your parents may need some time to adapt to the idea of 'their little girl' turning out 'different'.
I don't know the relationship with your sister, but you might offer yourself as a chaperone: get to know the girlfriend. Seems pretty important too.
Good luck...