Also, tl;dr. I just kind've skimmed it, so if I missed the gist of it, l2notbeboring.

Roja,

Congratulations on confronting this man. I enjoyed your analysis of your feelings throughout the whole event. I cannot count the amount of times men have said something like that to me and I have never said anything back to them (unless you count the middle finger on occasion) so I give you credit for seizing an opportunity.

Foxdie, I don't know what your problem is, but I see no reason for your statement that this never happened. and your second statement makes little sense except to admit you skimmed the article and yet still felt like you could make a judgement on the truth of her experience. Pretty much not cool, especially on a feminist sight where many of us are used to our experiences being dismissed as untrue or over reactions.

Roja, I too enjoyed your post. I actually read a few parts of it aloud to my partner, who found it of interest. (He's not the personality type to call out to women on the street/in public, so he wanted to see the reaction of a man who would/does).

Interesting contextual information (socio-economic and ethnic). That's the type of info I think any anecdote should include, because it really helps readers understand the various elements that might play into the situation.

MzBitca, did you check out foxdie's other posts? 'Nough said. I'll never understand the particular brand of "Truth Troll" that haunts websites seeking out anecdotes just so they can say "This is a totally fake post!" Seriously, is this recreational for people? Very odd.

foxdie,

I would love to take your $10 and actually raise it to $100. If you are really that fucking sure that I have nothing better to do than to sit here and make something up and then spend half a day to type it up, then I would like to accept your bet.

I can meet you at the mall and go to the security and ask them if on Saturday September 20th they had to confront a man about harassment. They might even remember what I said to him.

of course i would bring a friend or my husband with me to ensure you don't do anything if you end up being a creep.

hi,
I just registered because I've been reading the blog for a while and it's really interesting.

Probably I culturally have a very different perception of what sexual harassment consist of, but I really couldn’t understand why you felt offended by the man's comment.
I'm not being polemic, really, Id just like to understand.

I can see no sexual, racial or gender connotation in that greeting, it seems like something I might have said myself to a guy walking the street. I don’t think letting a stranger, in a public place, know you think they're cute can be considered like an offensive behaviour.
Of course I'm not aware of the context of the situation and the unspoken attitude of the guy, that's why Id like to know.

I'm sorry the event troubled you,
Cheers,

Roja - Wow, I am really impressed with what you did. I have a lot of trouble mustering up the courage to confront men on their behavior. Just the other day, this man in a business suit left his trash (a big bag from McDonalds) next to me on the seat of a commuter train. I took it up with me when it was my stop, wanting so badly to say "Excuse me, but you left this on the seat" or "Please throw away your garbage" but in the end, I lost my nerve. So kudos for being braver than I!

Julia - Roja doesn't mention how old she is. Would you feel differently about her post if she were seventeen? Fifteen? How about twelve?

And the word "cutie" - no, it's nothing terrible. Nothing outrageous in the least. But I do think it's not a far leap from "cutie" to "sexy" to "baby" to "hottie" to (when I ignore you or say something back) "bitch."

"I don’t think letting a stranger, in a public place, know you think they're cute can be considered like an offensive behaviour."

Julia, it's nobody's business but Roja's as to what personally offends Roja. You nor I can define that for her.

That said, here is why I am pissed off when men let me know their thoughts about my body when I am in a public space:

1. I didn't ask them to comment about my looks or my body. I am not public property and I do not want to be treated as such.

2. Countless other instances of street harassment or assault have left me with a negative association with men who feel the need to make comments at me. It's like death by a thousand papercuts. If, every time I leave my apartment, I am subjected to harassment, my guard will constantly be up. Therefore, something that may seem innocuous becomes incredibly irritating and offensive. I just DON'T want to hear it anymore.

3. With these "compliments" often comes the expectation of a reaction. I don't like the idea that I owe some creepy stranger my time or attention. Of course, there is no right answer--if you say thank you, it's often taken as an invite to bother you further. If you ignore it or respond negatively, you're insulted/threatened/assaulted/raped. If you report it, you're "overreacting." Because no choice is the right choice, I choose to do what makes ME feel more comfortable. This is often reporting it or ignoring it, but if I've been harassed a few times in the recent minutes, I'll often get vulgar and mean right back. I'll show you an "overreaction," that's for damn sure.

4. Harassment doesn't happen in a vacuum. It's part of a larger system that serves to make women feel uncomfortable or unsafe everywhere they go. I know that once I step outside my door, I'm immediately on guard because I have to expect to be harassed for daring to go outside--just because I'm a woman.

That's my short answer, anyway.

Also, Julia, foxdie, and libertyburning, I suggest you take a look at this:

http://thehathorlegacy.com/feminism/why-if-you-think-harassment-is-flattering-you-are-stupid/

and this:

http://finallyfeminism101.wordpress.com/2008/08/16/feminism-friday-why-if-you-think-women-should-be-flattered-by-your-harassment-you-are-stupid/

and the finallyfeminism101 site in general.

I assumed she was over 16, otherwise she would have mentioned, since that would have clearly been the main issue there. Interaction between children and adults it's very different, because the parts are not equal.

I'm aware it's her business why she felt offended. I was just asking out of curiosity, because I sincerely do no get it. If she doesn't feel like saying, she won't.

Certain words can reach differently to different people and whats inappropriate or can be considered rude changes in regard to the context and the two parts very much. People can't always know what grade of flirting will be upsetting to someone, sometimes they get it wrong. It usually means you're not good at flirting.

For example, I was riding the lift with a bloke who was watching his reflection in the mirror and i said something like "dont worry, you look good". he smiled, didnt seem offended at all. Or also, recently a young girl sitting next to me in the train said "youre hairdo is brilliant" or something like that to me. she was a stranger, none of her business, still i thought it was a nice thing to say, I was actually pleased.
Defining a man complimenting a stranger woman something rude or harassing per se, out of context, actually means seeing the woman as a victim to begin with.
I dont get how complimenting someone looks implies you see them as property. Would you feel the same if you were told you're smart, or well dresses?
Lal, I'm sorry you feel that way about where you live and I agree with you harassment is sad reality, I personally wouldnt define this event as such.

Bottom line being, perceptions regarding these things change from person to person and I was just interested in knowing about the OPs.

Awesome for you, Raja! Sounds like that took a lot of guts, I don't think I could have done it. Hopefully that guy will think about what you said and change his ways. It's an unfortunate privilege that men don't realize how demeaning and scary those comments can be.

Julia,

you are raising good questions many of which went through my own head at that time. I'm in my late twenties and so was the guy. So there is no adult-child situation here.

I thought about how many times I have commented on a stranger's looks. I might have said something to someone about their clothing, but I usually do it after thinking quite a bit and in the politest way.

Other people have complimented me on how I look and I have thanked them politely. But they were usually not complete strangers. The context also does make a difference, if was at a party I would understand, or even maybe a bar....

BUT: This was not a compliment or even a comment about how I look, it was just a way of him getting my attention. It's ALWAYS weird if someone is passing by and they sort of whisper to you "hey cutie,..." that's weird to me. Especially if we passed one another so fast that I didn't see his face. I wouldn't do that to someone else and I could tell that he wasn't trying to give me an honest compliment. He wouldn't do it to another guy and another woman wouldn't do this to me.

But you are right, the context does make a difference and I'm obviously not trying to come from a self-righteous place at all.

again, he didn't follow me, say anything vulgur, or try to touch me. and I didn't try to retaliate. But his comment did turn him into a predator and me into a piece of meat and I just tried to remind both of us that we are both human beings.

there is also cultural and sociological baggages which we can't ignore,... maybe we need a sociologist to explain that stuff:)

Vanessa, thank you. I didn't even see what one of them wrote.

ps. I didn't mean to assume hetersexuality. i'm sure this can happen to gay people too.

You rock!!! I'm very impressed that you actually shook the guys hand and said what you did. Maybe it will make him think twice before he decides to be creepy. Also that's pretty awesome the security guard actually did something instead of just ignoring it.

Hi,

This was brilliant.

One of the things that helps me frame my interactions, is to ask a few questions. Would he have behaved this way if you had been walking with your mom? Would he have said this if you were walking with another male?

I think most women have been in enough of these situations to know perfectly well when a man is being creepy. Hell, our survival depends on it.

Furthermore, you were in no way disrespectful in return. It would have been nice if we lived in a culture where you would have felt comfortable enough to have approached him without "backup"; and although you were perfectly within the bounds of polite manners, unfortunately a lot of guys simply cannot handle such straight forward truth from a women. They will only see it as a rejection and thus cannot logically understand why any woman could be upset in this type of situation.

Overall I think this was a positive experience, albeit embarrassing. I'm sure a lot of men will be looking at your story with disgust; or hail this as the end of dating. Whatever. If a person cannot negotiate a compliment or say hello without coming off as creepy, I would think he'd want to know that, so that he can fix that. It's called feedback.

Roja,
Thank you for sharing this experience.
You were very brave for confronting the man and also wise in your analysis of the situation. I think that until there is a societal change and women aren't portrayed everywhere as sex objects or objectified to sell things and until men's compliments aren't so highly valued by many women, I think it will be tough to get men to stop the "benign" harassment of hey cutie, hi honey, hey beautiful that some women enjoy and some women find offensive. For the harassment that is more threatening (stalking, groping, yelling threatening things, etc), I think until violence against women ends, that will not end either.
I feel myself privileged in many social situations and it makes me hesitant to call out harassers if they are not from such a privileged background as me - and that is tough. As you say, I feel bad for them and I feel bad for me.
If you haven't already, I would love to have your experiences (and anyone else's who is reading this thread) included in an informal, anonymous online survey I'm doing to capture more people's experiences and thoughts with public safety and acceptable/unacceptable interactions between strangers in public. It's for a book I'm preparing to write. Thanks.
https://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=2zNzxBfuyVVLMKcoXoEtjQ_3d_3d

Lal46--

That was awesome. You articulated my exact thoughts on the subject way better than I could ever have done.

I applaud you for standing up for something you believe in, and I have a quick question. How much impact did the specific words have upon your decision to act? If the situation had been the same, but the offending phrase had been "Hello, beautiful" would your reaction have been any different? How about something that specifically refers to a less sexualed body part, such as "Hello, [insert color here] eyes"?I'm just thinking about how word choice could change perception of intention.

What do people think?

"If the situation had been the same, but the offending phrase had been "Hello, beautiful" would your reaction have been any different? How about something that specifically refers to a less sexualed body part, such as "Hello, [insert color here] eyes"?I'm just thinking about how word choice could change perception of intention.

What do people think?"

Well, you will get a bunch of different answers because every woman is different.

What's frustrating is that it seems like men want some kind of cookie cutter manual for women. Sorry though, we are all different.

I smiled at a guy once and he flipped me off (we were on passing trains). Oops!? I've been rejected on many occasions when approaching strangers at the bar, just to say "Hi".

Yet, I don't have any expectations from men as a group to dissect every interaction and to explain to me what's going on. Why? I figure each man is an individual.

If a person is not interested in engaging me, then it's the end of the story. Next. I don't get why that's so hard for some men to understand? Because when it's their turn doing the rejecting, frankly I don't see them bending over backwards to be kind. The look says it all, "get lost, you are not HOT enough!" as they scan the room for someone else.

I supposed it part of male privilege to think that you (general you) are entitled to female attention. It's like you are doing us women a favor or something. And I get that men are feeling the pressure to play the "hunter" role. I do feel sorry for that, but I feel sorry for me too.

Sometimes I think this whole thing is a form of female chivalry toward men. That is the expectation to shield them from our truth to spare them feelings of rejection.

I know this has been said before but...

...you rock!

Hey, sometimes people offering me their unsolicited thoughts on my life bothers me, sometimes it dosen't, but I admire that when it bothered *you*, you addressed that person. I think everybody can use a shot of that.

Thanks for making my morning!

"Well, you will get a bunch of different answers because every woman is different.

What's frustrating is that it seems like men want some kind of cookie cutter manual for women. Sorry though, we are all different."

That's why I wanted some different opinions, but especially from the original poster. I certainly realize that there's not going to be a general rule that says that one descriptor is okay while another isn't, but if several people would be less upset with "Hi cutie" than with "Hello beautiful" or "Hello [color] eyes" then it might say something about the language used.