I have been a reader in the Feministing community and on the main page for quite an amount of time, but this is my first time contributing a post. Never did I feel more strongly in my feminist feelings than I did last night. I attempted to post an article last night but apparently it was lost somewhere.
Never have I felt the need to just scream, cry, and beg for the comforting words that only someone who supported feminist ideas could provide as much as I did last night.
Last night I could not fall asleep until well after four in the morning after being shaken up by a "friend" I have known for quite some time. I was talking to him online when I brought up a situation from this summer. Over two months ago I slept with him. It was only once, and it was just at a time when I felt like being with someone. We have been just friends for about three years and that was the only time we were together. That night, he said that he wasn't sure if he wanted to go all the way and have intercourse. I simply replied, "Oh ok, are you sure?" He then changed his mind. (Remember this little fact, it comes up later in the story).
So every since then I have had this little tiny bit of guilt thinking maybe I forced him to do something he didn't want to do, even though I just asked him if he was sure. So to rid myself of any bad feelings about the situation, last night I apologized and said that I was sorry if he felt that I had pressured him. I expected him to say something in the way of, "Oh no, you didn't make me do anything I didn't want to do. No big deal." etc. Well that's not at all how the conversation went. He started to talk about how I shouldn't feel bad, that he was the one that felt bad. At first, niave of the real situation, I said that he had nothing to feel bad about because I had slept with him consensually. After continuing to say he felt bad still, I asked him why.
He said, "I gave you something I shouldn't have."
I read that line probably a dozen times before I could even move. He then wouldn't answer any of my questions. He danced around my questions saying, "I get nervous talking about it," and "It makes me uncomfortable to tell people." Meanwhile the phrases, "I HAVE HIV," and "I'M NEVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO HAVE KIDS," are running wild through my head.
After over ten minutes of freaking out and telling him I damn well deserved to know what the hell he was talking about he said, "I have herpes."
Again, I read the sentence over and over before I could even process it in my mind. How did I get myself into a situation like this? I can count the number of partners I've had on one hand and I'm in my third year of college. It's not as if I'm rolling the STD dice on a different guy from the bar every night. How did I become one of the statistics? I knew him for THREE years.
Once I was finally able to think mildly straight again, I freaked out. How could this be something he didn't tell me before? Why would he not tell me BEFORE we had intercourse? What kind of person is he?
He responded to my anger by saying, "I don't know why you're so mad, it's really not that big of a deal."
What?! Really not that big of a deal? On so many levels I just wanted to scream. I didn't even know where to start. Should I begin by explaining that it's not just the fact that I now might have a virus for the rest of my life? Or should I start with the never ending trust violation women are going through with men? All of it seems like a lost cause on him already.
I started with the trust violation. I compared the trust that he violated with me in men in general with rape. Not to belittle rape or say it is the same as getting an STD unknowingly, but I simply claimed that there is a common trust violation that a woman goes through when they realize that a man took her health and well-being and threw it out the window of his concerns.
He said that he knew rape was much worse than what he had done and that I was just over reacting.
At this point I could hardly even take his reaction anymore. I flipped. "What? You know rape is a much more emotionally violating thing than realizing someone you KNOW and thought respected you put your health at risk for what, an orgasm? You probably can understand rape because you have boobs and a vagina and you're objectified by nearly every man just by walking down the street. You can probably relate to being considered nothing more than boobs and a pretty face. You can probably understand how violating of a women's trust it is to be hurt in such a way because you can sympathize with how close you have to be to someone to allow them INSIDE of you."
At this point I'm sure he thinks I'm some crazy feminist bitch who just has PMS or something. He'll probably tell his buddies about the whore who flipped out on him for no reason at all.
He then said, "Well, it happened to me too so I know how you feel." Wait, a minute ago you were just saying that it was no big deal, now you can sympathize with my feelings because you know how bad it is? I'm confused. Also, that makes it much worse. Someone did this to you and you allowed yourself to do this to another person, someone who was a "friend" of yours.
Then he said, "I fucked up once, no one is perfect."
Ok. What? No, I fucked up once is like.. you were drunk and made fun of my new haircut. Not, "Oh, I might have given you a virus that will stay in your system for the rest of your life!"
What an evening this was turning out to be. He just didn't understand the most basic level of trust that I had handed directly to him that I was now watching him tear into smaller and smaller pieces. I knew this guy for three years before anything happened with him.
He then said he tried to tell me but he didn't have time.
No time? What the hell are you talking about? How about the three hours we were together BEFORE we had sex? What about at any moment while clothes were being taken off? Or, how about just at ANY second before he put his penis inside of me? I THINK I would have allowed for the brief interruption. Somehow I think I would have been OK with that.
Then, he had the audacity to say that he hadn't even wanted to have sex and that I MADE him. Excuse me? Since when was saying "Oh, are you sure?" a command? I guess I missed that one. I guess I was just too busy being so entirely pissed off in my mind thinking about how I thought I was allowing something very personal to happen and he was just using me as a masturbatory object.
There is not a place in my brain to place this sort of action. A woman is repeatedly reminded throughout her life that she should be ashamed of her body, that she should hate all of those little imperfections under all of those clothes. I threw my cares to the wind, trusting him first with seeing me naked. That enough is a high level of trust, at least for me it is. I'm not a "perfect" girl, but I'm ok with that.. but I still don't go around showing off everything about me to just anyone.
He took something so personal to me and I can never get it back. The amount of trust that I have lost in men in general is going to take a long time to heal.
I then asked him why in the past two months he hadn't thought of mentioning this to me. He said that he wanted to tell me in person. Well, how about that month and a half before I went back to school? Couldn't find time then? Or, how about just telling me at all... because we've talked at least four or five times a week since then.
He then had the nerve to say, "I hope this won't affect our friendship."
"Friendship? What friendship are you talking about.. because I don't hurt and disrespect my friends or even my enemies to the level which you just did to me."
He then began to apologize and play the poor dog with his tail between his legs saying I was right and he was wrong.
Maybe I should have been more accepting at least of the fact that he apologized, but this just made me more angry. Sorry? Did he just think he could say sorry he was wrong and that would make everything go away? How can you apologize for something that could affect the rest of my life? It made me feel like he just wanted me to stop yelling at him so he just started to agree with me. I have no doubt that he told one of his friends about how crazy I was for flipping out like I did. I'm sure he didn't expect me to go off on how morally wrong as a person he was.
He then emailed me this morning, just to let me know that the condom broke while we were having sex. I guess he was going to tell me that in person too.
Excuse me? What? "Oh, just thought I'd let you know.. you could be two months pregnant! Whoops!"
This just keeps getting better and better.
At this point, I have not been tested yet but I'm scheduling an appointment on my campus immediately on Monday. I'm scared to go because I don't know what I'm going to do if I do have herpes. I'm holding out hope, even though it seems unlikely that I'm not infected. He claims that he did not have an outbreak while we were together and he hasn't had one since then, so it wasn't right before an outbreak. The virus can't travel through bodily fluids, so I didn't get it through semen. I haven't noticed anything weird about my body in the past two months that would make me suspect anything was wrong. Nothing even as mild as a yeast infection or anything.
Currently I still feel like I'm not properly functioning. How can a society be so advanced and yet have half of it's population hold a complete lack of respect for the other half? I feel so extremely hurt and my trust of all men has been forever damaged.
Not that I can't ever trust again, but where do I go from here?
Am I crazy for being so upset? Did I take it too far?
Any advice or support would be appreciated, I could really use it from some level headed similar minded people..
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That guy, is a first class looser! You did not over-react and are entitled to be pretty upset! I'm so sorry you're in this situation, fingers and toes crossed that all your results come back clean. Hopefully someone else will chime in with some good advice and inspiration . . .
I'm going to weigh in on the "he should have told you" side. On the other hand, I have oral HSV-1, which it is possible to transmit to the genital region through oral contact, and I don't interrupt every person who's about to kiss me to say "So hey, I get cold sores about twice a year - still wanna make out?". And I'm sure I'm not alone in that since upwards of 50% of the NA population has HSV-1 by the time they're 17.
Honestly your safest bet is to assume that almost everyone you come in contact with is a carrier for at least one of the two forms of HSV (knowingly or not), and take precautions accordingly (condoms, dental dams, etc). Of course, very few people actually do this.
"I'm holding out hope, even though it seems unlikely that I'm not infected."
If it makes you feel any better the odds of you picking up the virus from him during a single contact when he was asymptomatic are, frankly, quite low. In fact if you were having regular unprotected sex with an infected partner for a full year you would still have a less than 10% chance of picking up HSV-2.
Anyway, that was a bit of ramble. To summarize: he's a jerk for not warning you, but your odds of catching it from him that night were low, however you may have been infected previously anyway and not known it, still if you are infected the social stigma around herpes is usually disproportionate to its actual impact on your health. *phew*
Best of luck on your test.
You have every right to be furious, especially in the face of his intense inability to "get" why you were so mad.
I wonder how many other women are going to be at risk from him, if his irresponsibility continues.
I understand where you are coming from. I thought my boyfriend of many years and I were in a long term monogamous relationship and so was having sex with him without a condom (I was on the pill.) Later I found out that he cheated on me with multiple women and did not use protection with them. Pretty scary. I know I should get tested and plan to but keep putting it off out of nerves, though before I have sex with a new partner I know I will. It is a huge violation of trust, and by putting my health at risk with me being completely unknowing, way worse than just being emotionally betrayed.
By the way, males are not the only ones guilty of this. I have known females with STD's who have kept it secret from partners and had unprotected sex too.
I appreciate how upset you are, this is a total trust violation. But you should keep some things in mind.
1. You may not be infected. Yes, you can get herpes if he wasn't having an outbreak, but it's also likely that you didn't get it. You were using a condom and all.
2. Herpes is a reality for around 65% of the adult population over 30. I know that may not make you feel better, but you shouldn't feel like some sort of subhuman societal outcast.
Herpes doesn't have to ruin your life. One of the reasons it's so prolific is that many of the carriers experience symptoms so rarely or mildly (or never) that they don't know that they have it. So, there's some truth to saying that it's not a big deal-- for most people living with herpes it isn't.
This is not to say that your feelings are unjustified. The onus was on him and he failed miserably.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Herpes is very common and benign, but it is one thing to just catch it and another for someone who has it to knowlingly sleep with you without saying anything! There's only a small chance you have it, but what happened was a complete violation of your trust. You did not overreact and this guy knows it. He hid both the fact that he has herpes and that the condom broke from you for two months, and it sounds like he only told you because he was overcome with guilt when you apologised. I'm known people who act similarly when they've done something deeply wrong, and I think this is why: the guilt is too difficult to deal with so they deny and minimise their wrongdoing (yes, at the same time) so they feel free from responsibility. My analysis may not be correct or even apply here, I'm sorry if it's no help. I wish you best of luck with your test.
WOW! What a low-life! What he did was absolutely inexscusable! My temper went up after reading this post. I can't believe someone would disrespect a friend like that and endanger her health! I wish you the best of luck with your results. When you get them back I would distance myself from him.
Fingers crossed! The middle one up at him.
You are totally justified in your anger and feelings of betrayal. Best of luck with your test, and this guy deserves every ounce of guilt he has to suffer through.
Woooow, what a complete jackass. I can't believe he could have someone do that to him, understand how absolutely shitty it must feel, and then turn around and do it to someone he considers a friend. That's just... ugh.
So yeah, I think you were totally justified in freaking out. If it makes you feel any better, I do know several people with herpes and it really is a minor blip on their life's radar. Of course, if you do have it it's still a minor blip that jerk had no business dumping on you anyway. Don't worry, karma will get him someday!
You know, if you belong to the school of feminist thought that says consent obtained by fraud is not true consent, then in that sense, this was rape. He deceived you. You had sex with someone who had an STD, and you didn't consent to that. So even if you don't want to look at it as rape, it makes perfect sense for you to feel upset and violated. He took away your ability to make a safe and informed decision for yourself, and when it comes to sex, that's more than a betrayal of trust.
At any rate, good luck, and as others have said, try not to go crazy worrying. No matter how the test comes out, this is nothing you can't handle.
I would feel exactly the same way you do. Also, there is no way that I would continue a friendship with that guy.
That is just awful. You have every right to be angry, he is a loser and gives the good guys a bad name. I hope you turn out OK, I'm sure you will. I hope your heart heals to the best of it's ability soon, as well. On one hand, it isn't fair to distrust all men because of what this one did, but I do hear you on the trust issue. Especially since there are a lot of men who do behave this way, but bear in mind there are still plenty who don't.
My 2 most serious exes did everything they could besides cheat and beat to shatter my trust in men, unfairly nearly ruining it for the absolutely wonderful 100% trustworthy SO I have right now. I was stole from, dumped over other girls, treated like crap, raped (I wanted to stop, he said no, I was too scared to tell him otherwise), and lied to; my most recent one told me he was a virgin. Guess what! He wasn't. He told me half a year after he left me over I-still-don't-know-what. Now my wonderful lover has to deal with me being paranoid he is lying about wanting to be with me all the time and what-not. Little by little he is earning my full trust, and he totally understands and respects my issues, and uses the most patience he possibly can.
*sighs* I've never been on this forum, in fact I found your article through a Google search, but I felt I should wiegh in here. Yes, your friend did something really shitty to you, and yes, you have every right to be upset with him for not telling you the truth outright.
I have herpes. I got it while I was pregnant with my son, from his father, who contracted it from someone I didn't find out he was sleeping with until he was out of town, when, at the beginning of an extended absence his lover came to me and told me. She gave it to him, and he brought it home, and even when he knew he'd been exposed, because he was with her at the doctor's office when she got tested and found out SHE was infected, he still didn't tell me. I spent the last two months of my pregnancy on Valtrex, because Herpes can blind, or in worst cases kill, newborns.
However... the likelihood of contracting Herpes from someone who is asymptomatic are phenomenally low. Generally, one doesn't have the live virus without developing symptoms. And the percentage of people infected with one or the other type is in excess of 70% of the population. Of those, 80% are HSV1 cases. And for your own information, in most places, Doctors won't even test unless you have an outbreak for this very reason. Testing reads the same for both types, so you would be more than 70% likely to have a positive result, and it could be type one, which sometimes only manifests once in your life then goes dormant, or never. that is defined as a false positive, and there are more of those from unnecessary testing (testing without symptoms) than there are negatives at all. Testing is usually not so much to determine if you are infected, but if you have an active infection, which usually means a recent one if you're just getting tested. The doctors at my OB/GYN clinic explained all that to me and did the swab test, which came up negative (no live surface viral activity). The only reason they bothered to give me the blood test was because I demanded them because if I was infected, I wanted to know early enough to get on antivirals and mitigate the risk of my exposing my newborn to the virus upon birth. Of course, they could have just done a C-section and eliminated the risk altogether, but I was adamant that they do all they could to prevent the need to do that. If you're NOT pregnant, they won't test you unless you have an outbreak in most places.
That was nearly three years ago, and other than the outbreak that led me into the doctor's office to demand testing, two months before my son's birth, I've had ONE other, about six months after that.
The greatest impact Herpes Symplex 2 has is on your self-confidence, as if you do have it, and also have a high moral standard for yourself, you go through the trauma of telling any and all prospective sexual partners that you have it. I have done that more than once. I've gotten three "And? I don't care"s, and one "Let me think about it" that eventually turned into an "I'm okay with it as long as you let me know if you have an outbreak."
Now, consider this please. To me sex is not about emotion, it is about sensuality and self-expression. It can be an expression of emotion, but it is more than that. It is spiritual and profound. What it is NOT is something to be held as an obligation or as a weapon against the opposite sex. Sex is absolutely not about power for me, and in my opinion shouldn't be for anyone else. Nor should it be something one ascribes unwarranted moral values to.
Yes, he did fail you. And it hurt. And you're angry. You have the right to be. But for someone who catches it, whatever the reason, fear of rejection is magnified tenfold from that day on. He's not an unmitigated asshole, he's a human being who made a mistake that cost him the respect and approval of someone whose thoughts and opinions he values. So my advice is to talk to him. Let him know how you feel, why you feel the way you do, and whether or not you think you can forgive him for being, when all is said and done, simply human and afraid.
(And you can be fairly certain he didn't have an outbreak while you were together, because generally, they HURT. I didn't want anything to do with sex while I had mine.)
So go, talk to a doctor, take a pregnancy test, and sit down to think about what it is that you really feel, and do some actual research. Don't let the 'social boogey-man of sex' destroy what sounds like it was a really solid friendship.
Peace.