Three years ago, I was sitting at Jennifer Baumgardner's kitchen table, helping her transcribe and edit the interviews from Speak Out: I Had an Abortion that would become the focus of her newest book, Abortion & Life (Akashic, 2008). I turned to Jennifer and said, “I don't know anyone who's had an abortion, doesn't that seem odd?” “Well, you probably do,” Jennifer replied, “they just haven't told you.”
After that conversation, I thought a lot about friends and relatives who might be keeping their abortions quiet. I was caught up in the disconnect between my socially feminist role and the absence of abortion stories being shared with me; it just didn’t make sense. I can't recall how many months after that initial conversation the next one occurred, but it wasn't many.
My mother was driving to referee a high school girls' field hockey game and called to check in. I remember being especially reflective that morning and I decided to relay the conversation I had with Jennifer about abortion to my mother. As I explained the situation, my mother boldly interjected, “Well, you never asked me.” I took the bait: “Have you ever had an abortion, Mom?” "Yep," she replied curtly. Wondering why she hadn’t told me earlier, I took her pause as an invitation to proceed with questioning: “When? Where was I? Why didn't you tell me?” Calmly, my mom answered all of my questions, delivering as much detail as I wanted. I detected no hint of shame, guilt, or embarrassment in her tone; instead, I sensed relief.
Growing up, I've never considered my mother a feminist role model, but in fairness, she always encouraged feminist ideals, even if only from the sidelines. She strongly supported my undergraduate post as president of Students Acting for Gender Equality, the only feminist group on campus at the University of Delaware, frequently retold her story of sitting across the aisle from Gloria Steinem on a Northbound train from D.C., and while driving me to my first gynecologist appointment, suggested I talk to the doctor about birth control—I was 14.
When my mom had her abortion, I was a senior in high school. We weren't close; I was not even living in her house (my parents divorced when I was eight). After that brief phone conversation, my mom asked her mom if she'd had an abortion, and together we quilted a family history of abortion. My grandmother had a D&C when she was in her 30s. To date, I have not had an abortion.
Encouraged by my mom’s willingness to share, I proceeded to ask my dad and step-mom about their abortion experiences. My friends, roommates, close colleagues, and boyfriends were also given an opportunity to share their experiences. You can tell your personal abortion story at www.youtube.com/user/SpeakOutAbortion.
Growing up, my family embraced political discourse. We were by no means staging debates or canvassing with our local ACLU chapter, but in both households my five siblings and I were encouraged to research and develop our own views on issues that mattered to us. Subconsciously, I think that led me to advocacy and activism in college, where I stumbled through Jennifer Baumgardner's front door.
During my first stint working for Jennifer in 2004, I joined her at a garden party fundraiser for the New York Access Abortion Fund (NYAAF). NYAAF is a volunteer-run nonprofit organization that provides financial assistance to low-income women who cannot afford to pay for an abortion. At the time, Jennifer was a member of NYAAF’s Board of Directors.
In 2007, NYAAF pledged more than $36,000 serving 71 women. In order to sustain our pledges and increase the number of women we serve in 2008-09, NYAAF will need to raise an additional $15,000 dollars from individual donors.
10% of profits from Abortion & Life go directly to NYAAF. To purchase a copy today click here or pick-up a copy from your local bookstore.
To find an abortion fund near you, go to www.nnaf.org.
Tonight, with my mom cheering from the sideline, NYAAF celebrates Jennifer Baumgardner's Abortion & Life with a reading and reception at McNally Jackson Bookstore.
In 1969, Red Stockings and New York Radical Women member Carol Hanisch wrote the seminal essay,
The Personal is Political, uttering the unifying theme of the second wave. Almost 40 years later, that which is political has become personal.
Without NYAAF or Jennifer’s work, maybe my mom would never have told me she had an abortion. But why hadn't I, as Jennifer sagely suggested, just asked?
(Note: I am a NYAAF Board Member)
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I am fairly open to the fact that I had abortion 10 years ago, although as I get older and the people I come into contact with are older, I find I'm less and less comfertable sharing about it. NOT because I regret it, but because I'm worried they won't like me anymore.
I have a very good friend whom I have deliberately been stepping around the issue for years now. I do not know her stance on it and she's a good enough friend that I would not want to lose her. My husband tells me that she loves me and it wouldn't matter, but there is always that worry, that twinge in the back of my mind that says..."What if????"
Strange place to be in.
I had a slightly similar experience -- I was raised feminist and went off to college a budding activist. My mom was always encouraging and supportive -- I get a lot of my feminism from her.
After my first Reproductive Rights Conference (holla CLPP!!), I came home bubbling over with enthusiasm about all I'd seen and heard. I was talking to her about how moved I was by the Abortion Speak Out, where women share their firsthand experiences with abortion, and she said, "Well, you know I was pregnant before [my older sibling], right?" NO! I did not. She told me that she'd almost had an abortion in 1971, five years before my older sibling was born (she miscarried before her appointment). Unlike the poster, I didn't ask right out, but it was like she couldn't have told me without the conversation I brought to her -- where it was clear that I was okay to hear about it.
It's hard in my family to ask personal questions -- mostly, we're very private. But that conversation was so important to me. Yes, ask!
I had a slightly similar experience -- I was raised feminist and went off to college a budding activist. My mom was always encouraging and supportive -- I get a lot of my feminism from her.
After my first Reproductive Rights Conference (holla CLPP!!), I came home bubbling over with enthusiasm about all I'd seen and heard. I was talking to her about how moved I was by the Abortion Speak Out, where women share their firsthand experiences with abortion, and she said, "Well, you know I was pregnant before [my older sibling], right?" NO! I did not. She told me that she'd almost had an abortion in 1971, five years before my older sibling was born (she miscarried before her appointment). Unlike the poster, I didn't ask right out, but it was like she couldn't have told me without the conversation I brought to her -- where it was clear that I was okay to hear about it.
It's hard in my family to ask personal questions -- mostly, we're very private. But that conversation was so important to me. Yes, ask!
On a related note, Penny Lane's documentary The Abortion Diaries touches on similar issues. I first saw the film when Lane came to screen it at her alma matter, Vassar, a few years back. From varied ages and backgrounds, the women in Lane's documentary helped pose a similar question: if abortion is so common (and it is), why is nobody talking about it?
p.s. http://theabortiondiaries.com/ if you're interested...
I never had an abortion, but my best friend did. She was raped in the military right before she got out. I took her to her appointment and kept the ani-choicers away from her. I also kept many of them from harassing most of the women who went in and out of the building while I was there. I was pregnant at the time. One of them let the air out of my tire.
I am proud of the fact that I am pro-choice. If anyone needed my help today I would do it in a heartbeat if they felt that this was the only option for them.
The only thing that I was disturbed by was one woman who was there for her 5th abortion. She was very verbal about the fact she didn't use birth control and was proud of it. I'm not saying that she should be ashamed, but come on, when do you figure out what causes pregnancy. I still support her right to chose, but it's people like her that give other people a bad name.
Just a correction, SAGE is NOT the only feminist group at the University of Delaware. NOW-CAN (National Organization for Women-Campus Action Network) is a very active feminist group on campus and we've even teamed up with SAGE a few times. We meet every Monday at 7pm in Smith 219.
Thanks for this post. My mother also had an abortion, but when she was in college. She didn't tell me until this past year (I'm a recent college graduate). I had never considered whether my mom had had an abortion; but the way in which she told me--calmly, without judgement--I knew she had made the right decision for herself and she knew that. I look up to her every day in a multitude of ways--and this is one reason. Hooray for women everywhere that have exercised their right to CHOICE and made a decision that was right for them!! Fight to keep that right.
Wow for the UD shout outs. I'm going to admit I'm kinda surprised to see some of us on here, and yet not at the same time. I defiitely miss it there and my WOMS days... Ah well.
As for the post, thanks for posting this! I'm not sure how I would personally feel about asking people I know if they have had an abortion, as it's a private, personal choice that they may not want to share for whatever reason, but I can definitely understand how it could be a relief to some people to just be asked and know that not everyone believes that having an abortion carries this huge stigma and makes you a bad person.
These posts bring to mind Bill O'Reilly's commentary last week. I'm a political junkie, and whenever I am visiting a friend with cable TV, I flip between MSNBC, FoxNews, CNN, and CSPAN.
I caught O'Reilly last week interviewing two (young & blonde & overly-coiffed, natch) women pundits about Palin and choice issues. One woman was far right and the second one was just right of center [which on O'REilly counts as Independent or Centrist.
When O'Reilly said that most Americans were anti-abortion, the latter woman called him on his imprecise language, saying that, in fact, a large percentage (I think it was 80+) of Americans do NOT want Roe v. WAde overturned, and, even if they do not like abortion itself, do not want women being criminalized for having one.
O'Reilly's response struck me speechless for a second or two: "That approval rate is so high because so many women in America have had an abortion and they feel that laws opposing it would be a judgment on their actions. Women who have had abortions don't want to be judged, and that's why they support Roe v. Wade!"
His own voice boomed with judgment and chastisement and disgust. I really wanted the "centrist" pundit to say, "Really, O'Reilly? You think women form political opinions out of SHAME and FEAR? Maybe they just think the government should have no say in determining a person's medical future, economic outlook, and general lifecourse to the degree that enforced pregnancy and childbirth does."
His comment, and his attitude, was telling.
I don't know if my mother has had an abortion, and I never asked. I don't think I will ask her because she would have told me if she wanted me to know. But many kids make the mistake in assuming that their mothers have never had an abortion. Nearly half of women aged 15-44 will have an abortion in their lifetime, so it is very likely that any mom has already had one.
As a young woman, I think it's important to let your friends, classmates, and coworkers know that you are a safe person to discuss abortion and to offer support to anyone who is planning on getting one. Whether it's going with her to the clinic or offering your home as a place where she can use RU-486, the women in our lives have to know they can come to you.
While I have no issues with abortion whatsoever, I wouldn't think to ask someone about their personal medical history because it could easily cross privacy and comfort lines. I do try to make sure that all of my friends know that I am a safe person to talk to about abortion among other things, but wouldn't dream of asking something like that (not even about a appendectomy or other more simple procedure).
I think it is wonderful that it has triggered some great conversations - I just wanted to voice that some people might not be as willing to ask or as responsive to the question.
I never known anyone who came out and told me they had an abortion. I have never been close to my mother and the only other female family member in my life is my sister. She is pro-choice but has never told me she had an abortion and I doubt that she has after having 6 children even though our own mother told her to just have an abortion and get her tubes tied already. Ironically the women I know who have had abortions don't know I know that they had them. My boyfriend has taken many of his female friends to the abortion clinic. He took his first girlfriend who he dated for 5 years twice. Another female friend openly admitted to him she had an abortion after becoming pregnant, but publicly told me she had a miscarriage. I'm not sure why these women felt so comfortable telling my boyfriend this information or asking him for support in their decision. I'm not sure why if I had an abortion the first person I would be willing to tell is a future or past sexual partner not another woman. Not my sister or women I work with. Maybe it is fear of judgment?
I am actually surprised at how few women have posted about their own abortion experiences. I hope that we are all responsible Feminists who use protection, but even still - pregnancy happens. Trust me. Two forms of birth control failed earlier this summer and just like that - I was pregnant!
Two and a half weeks ago I had an abortion. It was all so very surreal; I had all the signs of early pregnancy, but people don't talk about fatigue, tenderness or nausea so it seemed completely unrelated to maternity clothes and round proud mothers-to-be.
Directly before the procedure there were 10 or so women sitting in the waiting room at the clinic filling out forms, flipping through magazines, texting... you would never know that we were each about to go through a procedure that is painful and socially taboo. The forms we filled out has "PREABORTION QUESTIONNAIRE" stamped in huge letter across the top, but we all managed to hide it from each other. There were different stages of waiting we each did for the painkillers and briefing, and we managed to look slightly bored and guarded. Even after the RNA held my hand and I silently wept during the procedure (I blame the hormones), I felt only a slight camaraderie with the other women I passed who were woozily being walked to the restroom. I think the DMV has a more teamplayer mentality. I cannot say enough good things about the staff: professional, kind, supportive, etc. But, we, the women who had abortions within minutes of each other didn't acknowledge it - not even silently. I have been very open with my friends about the process, but there is no social discussion about the personal. And I would think very carefully before asking other women, I am happy with my choice (and nearly hormonally balanced), but it is a 5 minute procedure that changes your life and I am sure I have not yet finished discovering just how...
plumdreaming, thank you for sharing your experience. it's a brave and important thing you do.
I've heard that abortions are insanely painful... is this true?
Mariella,
I think it depends on the person because I used the pill form to terminate the pregnancy and then another pill to cause contractions and THAT WAS PAINFUL. But my best friend also did that two years later and she said it just felt like regular cramps that she go during her period, so I think it depends on the person.
PS They give you pain meds but they didn't do anything for me. :( But it only lasted for one day for me so if you ever need to have it done ask a friend to spend the day with you, it helps. : )