If we don't "waste energy on it" as she so lovingly puts it: nothing will ever change.

And I pride myself on my expectations, high and otherwise. If someone can't meet them, that's their problem.

'Cause anytime a woman has a legitimate complaint that she won't just shut up about that's called a feminist hissy fit.

“You really must give up expecting people to feel and behave as you do. Expectations are what create stress. Having no expectations, if you can get to that point, as a female, is the key to good sibling interactions.”

How Buddhist of her. But I don't think the point was that being a total doormat and allowing yourself to be used was the key to happiness.

WTF is with the NYTimes and constantly featuring unfeminist or antifeminist columnists?

I liked Comment #18, too:

This is how patriarchy reproduces and maintains itself: women suppress their expectations of equality. As Gloria Steinem said recently, “women can’t be equal outside the home until men are equal in it.” The home includes the nursing home.

Anger is not a bad thing. It’s your friend. Not a nice friend, not a gentle friend, but a very, very loyal friend. It points the way, not the finger. (paraphrased from a book by Julia Cameron.)

This past summer, when I was home caring for my parents, I taught my brother eventually to do some things, like to clean up the kitchen after I cooked. He balked and was mean about it on the second day that I was home, so I disinvited him to supper for the following night. He called back and apologized, and then the next night, he cleaned up the kitchen without complaining about it. For some reason, my parents never did this, and they’re too old to do it now.

So I say, start training your brother. It may be hard, it may be frustrating, it may make you mad; but your sons are watching, and maybe your daughters won’t have to do this training in twenty years.

Better yet, teach your little boys that caregiving is honorable work for everyone. Help them learn to do what we call, derisively, “housework”, and help them learn to care for animals, littler kids, and even their grandparents. And maybe when it is we who are in the wheelchairs and diapers, these boys will not disdain the tasks of caregiving.

— elizabeth

Wow, that sure hit home. But in my case, it isn't a gender issue. My sister is as bad as my brother about doing anything for my dad. In fact, my brother does a tiny bit more than her, which is nothing. It is weird for me, though, to take on traditional feminine caregiving roles while I'm living with my Dad and unemployed. I may or may not stay here, since work in my field is all over the country and I don't have the luxury of choice. I worry, though: who will take care of my Dad when I go? He's not in a home yet, but he's 80 and has trouble walking. He tires easily. He doesn't like to cook so when I'm not there he's eating out of cans. My sister and brother don't care. I do. How can you stop caring??? I mean, if your brother doesn't change those soiled diapers, are you going to just leave your parent in them?? What do you do??

What a frustrating situation, Dominique. What I can say is that if you take the time to read through all eight pages of the comments on that link, several people in your situation gave some good tips for getting adult siblings to help out more. (Of course, this also depends on your current family dynamic).

My mother and aunt visit my grandmother, who is 90 and suffering from very severe dementia, a couple times a week between them. When she hurts herself, which happens frequently, they make a point to visit more often. Their brother, who lives 6 hours away, never visits. Obviously it's easier for the two daughters who live in town to visit her, but when I say never, I mean never. In the seven years she's been in a home, I think he's seen her twice or maybe - maybe - three times, and all of those were in the first few years, when she was doing better. Before it got really hard.

I would like to say this is a different example than most, because his relationship with my family has been strained for some time. But you'd think he'd step up and visit his mom whose health is rapidly deteriorating. And furthermore, my grandmother has four grandchildren. My mom and my aunt have each borne one daughter and one son. And my mom and my aunt, who are very close, tend to travel together. So when the time comes that they'll be away for a week or so, my female cousin and I always go see Grandma together. My brother lives out of town, but my male cousin doesn't. And if my brother is in town when my mom is away, it's still my female cousin and me that go. The expectation is on us to deal with the very difficult task of visiting a grandmother who doesn't even remember who we are.

I'm not complaining that I have to visit her. Because she's my grandma, and I love her. But I am complaining that my brother, and my male cousin, do not have to. And that, my friends, is no fucking hissy fit.

i am an only child, and i have only boys, so they are going to be wiping my ass, or im writing them out of the will. it will be sweet sweet justice!

all of a sudden, my 4yo has been saying "it's ok, im only/just a boy" when ever he does anything - usually one of his more annoying behaviours - like screaming at his brother or taking a toy or, well, just about anything he does. i dont know where he picked that up, but it raises my hackles and im quick to respond that being a "boy" doesnt excuse anything.

"This past summer, when I was home caring for my parents, I taught my brother eventually to do some things, like to clean up the kitchen after I cooked. He balked and was mean about it on the second day that I was home, so I disinvited him to supper for the following night. He called back and apologized, and then the next night, he cleaned up the kitchen without complaining about it. For some reason, my parents never did this, and they’re too old to do it now.

So I say, start training your brother. It may be hard, it may be frustrating, it may make you mad; but your sons are watching, and maybe your daughters won’t have to do this training in twenty years. "

I appreciate what you're saying (having people help around the house), but calling it training is demeaning (in my opinion). It sounds like you're talking about a dog instead of a family member.

I would agree that calling it "training" can be seen as demeaning, but in this context it sounds like the brother's behavior is no better or human than a dog crapping on the carpet. It's stupid and thoughtless, and he doesn't seem to understand that he's doing anything wrong (just like a dog crapping on the carpet).

I firmly believe in automatically treating all people with the human dignity they deserve, but that right can be revoked.

My feminist son once said to me, "You know Mom, men will do as little as they can get away with."
Bingo.

This is sickening.

I don't understand how giving in, even in this situation, would make things "easier" for her.

In addition to doing more work, she is putting an unnecessary emotional burden upon herself by submitting to these unfair and infuriating standards.

It is unfortunate that she has to put up with this while watching her mother decay, but that doesn't mean that she should just "accept it."

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