Patriarchy fucks as all (or gather doesn’t fuck at all)
Below is a brief “chat” with a man who is relatively progressive – a good friend, and used to be rather kinky back in the day.
Me: I am still wondering what you meant by "my sex life sucks, but marriage is a trade off"
The Man: i thought that was pretty clear
The Man: different people want different things out of marriage/life
The Man: I am happy with a loving wife who has a golden heart and will be the best mother imaginable.
The Man: and who has time for sex anyway?
The Man: I am mean, there were times when it bothered me, and im sure it’ll be an issue in the future again, just not now.
This man is settling for a woman he hardly fucks, because you guessed it, she “will be the best mother imaginable.”
This framework denies his wife the full humanity she is entitled to – by conceptualizing her as having “a heart of gold” and a cunt of ice. The only good thing that comes out from what’s between her legs are his babies – that she will then mother.
However, it denies the husband his full humanity as well by creating a false choice – where a “loving wife” that will bear children is a trade-off for a sex life that “sucks.”
In the conversation, appropriately, the man defines this false choice by the title - “marriage.” (my sex life sucks, but marriage is a trade off).
This is indeed “marriage.” (I am not implying that marriage cannot be reclaimed).
0 TrackBacks
Listed below are links to blogs that reference this entry: Patriarchy fucks as all (or rather doesn't fuck at all).
TrackBack URL for this entry: http://www.feministing.com/cgi-bin/movabletype/mt-tb.fcgi/9449
Weekly Feministing Newsletter
Feministing RSS Feed
What a sexist lame-ass. I guess it might be a problem after 10 years of marriage and a child or two later. Then it'll be a great time to evaluate things!
I like how at no time he says "it's okay the sex life is bad, I love her."
Apparently, he cares more about that she loves him and she's fit to be a good mom. I feel bad for his wife.
I don't think it sounds all bad...
It does not sound like he is pressuring his wife into doing kinky stuff she would not approve of, and he is putting his relationship over sex.
I was not in the conversation, but maybe is is talking about his total sex life. If he had lots of sex with lots of people and now he has sex with one person, then for him that "sucks, but marriage is a trade off."
Not knowing him, I cannot say if that was what he was getting at.
I'm not married, but I can't imagine that any relationship between two people is absolutely idyllic. To me, it looks like he has a pretty understandable outlook. I mean, any relationship requires compromise, because any two people will not agree on everything.
Sure, maybe the couple should work together towards a more mutually gratifying sex life.
I agree with Steven and Kathryn, it sounds a bit more like he is sacrificing a kinky sex life, rather than a sex-life altogether. Perhaps there was more to the conversation that would be indicated otherwise, but when I hear about a progressive kinkster complaining about his or her sex-life, I first imagine that they are settling to be with a vanilla whose other aspects make the relationship worthwhile.
He's still settling, there are plenty of kinkster women who are loving and make great mothers, and many loving mothers are more than willing to indulge their kinky husbands, but choosing to fit a woman who fits neither of these categories and complaining about a lackluster sex life doesn't necessary make someone sexist.
As I understand it, people with young children tend to have shitty sex lives because A) they're exhausted, and B) they can't get much kid-free time. So, to a large extent, at least for when the kids are young, being married to a wonderful parent is the trade off for being married to a wonderful lover.
Still, marriage is not the opposite of sex, and no one should marry a person they won't ultimately be a sexual match for, which applies even more if this is a pre-existing situation. Bad (and/or non-existent) sex with one's partner = resentment = cheating and other relationship issues. It's not that sex is everything, it's just that it's an important thing.
I hope, for both their sakes, it's better when the kids are a little older, and that, of course, he doesn't view her status as a mother as being incompatible with her also being his lover.
It is such a strong cultural stereotype we have that marriage ends your sex-life. Maybe it just means a lot of people hook up with someone with whom they're not sexually compatible. One more reason why the whole purity/abstinence only camp is bad for young people...
But it also seems like the whole our-sex-life-sucks-now-that-we're-married script is one that men have been socialized to act out in order to convince the world that they're still all wild and kinky inspite of the supposedly civilizing influence of marriage. I've heard a lot of guys talk this way even though they seemed to be really attracted to their partner and in a fairly happy relationship. So I don't know how much weight I place on this kind of conversation.
It's also a myth that married people have less sex, or that their sex is less fulfilling. I think people believe it because married or partnered sex is definitely not the super-intense fireworks kinda stuff you had during the first couple of months. But in a number of recent studies they found that most married or partnered people are happier with their sex-lives than single people. For one thing, you've finally got each other trained...
Oh, and the solution to the kid problem is morning sex. Yep, hit it before they wake up. We're back on a 4-5 times a week routine with a 4 y/o and a 10 m/o in the house. 'Cause you seriously need that kind of stress relief when you're working parents. =)