I feel you on this. Young women can't seem to have sex for the sake of having sex. We have to be doing it for love, or because we're pressured into it, or because we have low self-esteem.

I'm a sophomore in college, and I have a lot of sex with a lot of people. I have a few hook-ups who I see regularly and I frequently have sex with people I've just met. It's not because I hate myself and it's not because I'm looking for a boyfriend. It's because sex is fun.

Don't let anyone, including Time magazine, tell you teen girls (or women of any age) liking sex is wrong. Seems like you can already tell that's bullshit, which is awesome. Adults get weird when they've been out of school for years and tend to forget what it was like to be a teenager.

I was a virgin all through high school, but I
hear you. I remember thinking I was beyond depraved - just a sick, perverted person - because I masturbated. It was common knowledge that all boys did it, but no girl would ever admit to it.

A lot of girls were even icked out by the thoughts that their boyfriends probably masturbated, and then there were those who couldn't use tampons because they were grossed out by the thought of touching their own vulvas. (I'm not talking about girls who found tampons uncomfortable, leaky, preferred pads for whatever reason. I'm talking about the 'eeeew, vaginas!' type). Seemed like everyone drank the 'girls don't like sex' Kool-Aid big time.

I can tell you that it gets better. A few years after college, my high school crowd and I hung out at a bar, and it turned out that not only had everyone had sex, we all enjoyed it immensely, and all but two of us masturbated regularly.

Amen! I'm a high school junior as well, and fed up with the media, parents, teachers, EVERYONE acting outraged that my peers enjoy sex. Whenever it's discussed, pleasure is out of the picture; it seems that the only reason teenage girls might want to have sex is because of negative self image, perversion, or - my personal favorite - peer pressure. You know, because we can't ever just like sex for sex.

I think people tend to take the biology out of sex completely, especially when it comes to female sexuality. Remember that commercial that had those kids telling their parents to talk to them about sex and let them know that they want their kids to wait? One of the kids said "It's [that is, sex] all over the Internet." As if sex isn't a biological function! Like if it wasn't for that pesky Internet, we wouldn't have to worry about pubescent teens wanting to have sex. How about "It's all up in my pants?" because that's where it's coming from. But at least any sex act that a boy does can be attributed to hormones (even when acts like rape aren't due to hormones). Girls' sexuality is seen as unnatural all the time. So girls feel like they want to have sex because their hormones are telling them to, but they're told by everyone else that girls don't want to have sex. They're told that only boys have and like sex. Very oppressive indeed.

Very well put :)

I lost my virginity when I was a sophomore in high school. People even now when they find out through conversation or reading my blogs or what-knot always ask me if I regretted loosing it so early (not at all) or tell me "I'm so sorry" and assume it was some situation I wasn't prepared for.

I think what you wrote is the anti-thesis to the "poor self-image" theory. :)

I'm in my mid-thirties and a parent now, but I have not forgotten that teens (young men and women, both) really, really wanted to get off. I'm still thankful for those unselfconsciously horny, kinky women that I had my best and healthiest early sexual experiences with; and even two decades later, when I speak of them, I speak well of them.

(As an aside, the meme of evil boys who use but detest the women they sleep with is a half-truth. I was never like that, even at 16. One good clue is the way boys talk about girls. If they seem to think every other girl is a slut, they have a whore-madonna complex and they will inevitably turn on women who are sexual with them. Boys who sound like they like and respect women, including women who are sexual beings, on the other hand, often actually do.)

I have very young kids, of both sexes. I am not going to teach them moral panic. I am not going to teach them the fear their own sexuality. I am teaching them not to be embarrassed about their bodies. As they get older, I'm going to teach them the biology of sex -- including risks like unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections -- as part of a total worldview. And I'm going to teach them the moral dimensions of sex, but by that I don't mean a religious, abstinence- or marriage-based view. I mean I will teach them my values: that consent is enthusiastic participation; that sex partners, however casual, should treat each other with respect; that one should never be sexual with a partner unless both people can talk openly about what they want, what they don't want, what their limits are and how to deal with contraception and disease prevention.

I think a lot of parents just can't get over their own shame-based thinking about sex. They are attracted to a "just say no" model not because they think it works, but because it is less embarassing for them to talk about. Actually engaging and telling teens how to go about making those decisions for themselves requires more than most parents have the nerve for, sadly.

I've heard plenty of people from conservative religious backgrounds talk about how, having no information except stern warnings, when they found out sex was fun, they distrusted every lesson their parents taught them and ignored safety. That's borne out in the statistics about students of abstinence programs and members of abstinence organizations being less likely to use contraceptives and barriers.

The truth is, sooner or later, we all make our sexual decisions for ourselves. I prefer to teach my kids how to do that intelligently. If they really think about that and decide that they are not there until they are in their twenties, that's fine. I've met lots of perfectly healthy (and even kinky) adults who didn't have partnered sex until fairly late. If they start early, I'll worry about their level of maturity and their ability to protect themselves; but kids in Holland start earlier than American kids and they have much lower rates of STIs and unwanted preganancy is almost unheard-of, so it can be done. And if it turns out they are asexual, that's fine, too. But I'm a lot more confident that their choices will work for them if the values I communicate tell them how to make those choices.

Good for you and right on for noticing the double standards. I sincerely hope you generation makes some strides in eliminating the double standards you've pointed out.

As long as those who are sexually active are consenting and of an age where a consenting choice can be made, my hope is that safe sex is practiced.
Yes, sex is fun.
Sex that is not practiced with certain precautions can turn into a bad scene.
Safe sex is more fun in the long run.
Do you and your peers have easy access to birth control in your area? Is there education regarding the benefits of condoms, not only to prevent pregnancy, but, also to prevent the spread of disease?
If not, you may want to start a campaign to change that locally.

I love sex. I knew I would love sex before I ever had a partner, but, I also knew the risks involved. I became sexually active at 19. Most of my friends were active earlier. I waited till I felt I could handle making a choice and had enough money in the bank to make that choice happen if need be.

I'm so glad to hear you take a stand against the image young women are being portrayed with regarding sexual activity. The more people understand women's bodies, the more they can understand how women enjoy sex. The more we understand oppression, the more we understand where the false notion that woman can't or don't enjoy sex comes from.

Thomas
"I mean I will teach them my values: that consent is enthusiastic participation; that sex partners, however casual, should treat each other with respect; that one should never be sexual with a partner unless both people can talk openly about what they want, what they don't want, what their limits are and how to deal with contraception and disease prevention."

Yaye!! Your children are lucky to have you.

I've been thinking about how to deal with my own kids' sexuality for a while, and a lot of that is based on my own experiences and those of friends in my own age group; and I've talked with my niece, who just started HS. I've read the stats, but I don't really have a sense of how much or little things have changed.

How are the the HS - and college- aged readers here making decisions about partnered sex? Is anybody going into it with a firm sense of "this is how I'll know what I'm ready for and with whom"? Are folks' parents saying anything actually useful?

Congrats for writing this. I'm glad that at your age you can spot this serious bullshit. Do many girls get pressured into sex and do it for the wrong reasons?- Yes. But are there an equal number of girls that just LOVE SEX?- Of course!

The problem is that society is still functioning off of a notion that girls are pure and boys can't control their urges. Well, girls have urges too. And teenagers (of any gender) have CRAZY urges. The fact that any of them manage to stop thinking about sex long enough to graduate high school is a small miracle. I didn't have sex until college, but that wasn't because I had a problem with sex per say. I just had yet to find partner I thought was worth it to me and I acknowledged that I was emotionally fragile at the time. But that is not the case for all girls and I'm glad for it.

Some people are still disturbed that grown-up women like sex, so how can we expect them to recognize it in young women?

Just whatever you do, please be sure to use protection!!

My mom has a strict "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy about sex. She's going to assume I'm not doing it, and I'm supposed to allow her to assume that. My lessons on sex have come from other sources- though my health teacher sent a slew of subliminal IF YOU HAVE SEX YOUR LIFE IS RUINED messages, he was pretty much required to tell us the very basics. Also, being a feminist has helped me look into some great resources on different ways of having safe sex, along with my awesome older sisters who i could ask anything. I too have always read the (mostly crappy teen) mags that proclaim the downfalls of teenage sex and how devastating it is to girls because "all girls ever really wanted was love and to be pretty."

The thing thats changed most I think, is that the "save it till marraige" expectation is still there, just the bar has been lowered. Those who have sex within a long-term (and long term for high school is over 4 months) relationship are fine, but any girl who has casual sex is called all the usual names. I hope that by the time my daughter goes through highschool we will have taken even more steps- most parents will be honest with their children and girls can be sexually free without being called skanks and whores.

When I was a teenager I loved sex because it was FUN! Even more so with a partner. My only regret is that I didn't get more back then. It was fun, thrilling and exciting.

I always figured the girls enjoyed it, too -otherwise they wouldn't have done it with me. But then, I never bought into a Madonna/Whore mentality.

The whole idea that high schoolers are traumatized by getting laid is ridiculous. My girlfriend's mother caught us in the act just as we were finishing and while it was awkward knowing that her mom had (a) seen me naked and (b) seen me boinking her daughter, no one was "scarred for life". Just some nervous laughter as I fumbled around for my pants.

Hold up, what the fuck?

I didn't have sex in high school, or in college, or ever. I haven't even kissed anyone. I suppose this makes me subject to all these crazy urges which interfere with my education. Except that I'm not. Never was.

I sense a subtle undercurrent, reading these comments and the original post, of "If you're not having sex, you're wrong, repressed, and deluding yourself." But: A) not everyone CAN have casual sex, unless you count prostitution, and I don't; and B) some people have lower sex drives.

And it's not just teens that enjoy sex either. I find it amusing that in our culture when you become a mother or hit the age of 30, whichever come first, you're supposed to become asexual. I still have a stronger sex drive than most men I know or have ever been with. I guess you're just supposed to hide it somehow. I'm viewed with suspicion by the other daycare moms who apparently think I ought to be wearing baggy sweats and have my hair pulled back in a ponytail every day. I just dress and act the same as I always did, but you're not really supposed to, I guess. I didn't get the memo.

It's also amusing when my (college aged) students write comments on my teaching evaluations about how I'm "hot" (as if it's relevant to my teaching), and they always have this really surprised tone - like they're still having trouble fitting it into their social categories. They all think I'm younger than I am, but even at the age they imagine me to be, I'm apparently supposed to be wearing frumpy clothes or mom jeans. Ha.

katemoore, the good part about being invisible is that you can sneak up on people real easily. BOO! I think that sex is excruciatingly painful! See? You give it a shot on one of the next thousand or so posts that ignores women who physically can't or don't want to have sex. It'll make you feel better. (So we're clear, not being snarky, it's just that for me, being jokey is better than being sad.)

Katemoore, I promise my point was never that if you're not having sex your some kind of freak or something. Lots of people don't have sex until marriage or until later in their lives. I just wanted to point out that sex can be just as much fun for young women as for anyone else. I apologize if you took it offensively.
I am with you Miranda! The peer pressure one is so ridiculous! Never in my life has anyone ever told me I should have sex (well, except for guys...but who listens to them?) In fact, the majority of teenage girls are still doing the whole "if you have sex, you're slut," which I really wish we could get over.
If it wasn't for my sister and "Full Frontal Feminism" I wouldn't know anything about safe sex. So all I can say to you parents, is please, teach your kids how to be smart.

Summer commented at September 15, 2008 9:53 PM: "Katemoore, I promise my point was never that if you're not having sex your some kind of freak or something. Lots of people don't have sex until marriage or until later in their lives."

Good point, and I'd add that a lot of people don't ever have sex. Some of them are adults who never find a willing partner and don't have sex with anyone against her or his will, and a lot of them would have had sex later in their lives if only they hadn't died so young. :(

lal46,

Not to invalidate your experience if you're already well-educated on the issues, but the fact is that for most women who experience painful intercourse, something is going on there that can be corrected:

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/pink/from_ow_to_wow_demystifying_painful_intercourse

And a lot of women who have painful sex aren't aware of things that can be/should be done differently. So I hope you won't think it's presumptious of me to post a resource.

To the OP:

I was brought up in a fairly sexually conservative/traditional-gender-stereotype-promoting environment. I feel like it helped lead me into a border-line abusive relationship as my first sexual experience (b/c it felt good -which that alone was so much better than I'd been expecting, I got confused when it came to other, lesser problems with the situation).

I'd love to write an essay (or read one) sometime that in-detail explains the ways that lack of accurate information/scare tactics actually makes abusive situations more likely. B/c I find this to be a very hard concept to explain to adults who favor the "less is more" approach to teenage sexual education...

I started having sex about a month or two after highschool ended, no regrets whatsoever... and I probably would've done it sooner had I had the chance.

My mom was totally awesome at educating me (and my brother) about safer sex and sexuality. I know some parents have "the" talk, but with my mom it was an ongoing dialogue that was constant and often totally embarrassing, but that embarrassment turned into humour, and that humour made it easy to talk to her about sex and eventually about birth control when I felt like I wanted to become sexually active. She talked and talked and when my brother and I groaned she'd just keep talking. And we both listened, even if we acted like it was totally embarrassing and gross.

I think parents stepping in and really making sure there is no way you'll end up accidentally knocked up or with a disease or in unhealthy relationships is really really important. It made a big difference to me when I was a teenager anyways. It sucks that more parents don't think the same way, there'd probably be a lot less unwanted pregnancies and STI's and all.

"with my mom it was an ongoing dialogue that was constant and often totally embarrassing, but that embarrassment turned into humour, and that humour made it easy to talk to her about sex and eventually about birth control when I felt like I wanted to become sexually active. She talked and talked and when my brother and I groaned she'd just keep talking. And we both listened, even if we acted like it was totally embarrassing and gross."

YES!! Score one for honest, open communication.

Katemoore has a point, too: asexuality is a totally normal, if uncommon, variation in human sexuality. Some folks don't want to be sexual or don't want partnered sex because they have a problem, but some of just asexual. They should be as free to do what's right for them as the rest of us.

Yes, I think the communication between parents and kids should be ongoing and open. I think the most important thing is for them to feel like they're in charge of their sexuality. If it's theirs to explore and enjoy, but also to act responsibly with, I think there's less of a chance that they'll be coerced by others or fall into negative relationship patterns or feel that they have to mindlessly adopt the male-centric version of both male and female sexuality that's so prevalent in the media.

Rachel, I couldn't agree more. If we let our kids fully own their sexuality, they'll take good care of it. If we treat it like we license it, they may not value it much and either won't get much enjoyment out of it or won't be very responsible with it.

I think that what you're saying is great! I totally support you but I can alsom see where the parents are coming from, yeah sex may be great (I wouldn't know but hey) but this biological function (as an earlier comment refered to it as) has been abused by the media and perverted men all over the world and THAT is why teen sex is such a touchy subject; our parents are worried that because a teen can quite easily give into sex, she could quite easily be exploited by antone because let's be honest, a lot of people see teen sex as some sort of 'exploitation'

I would like to reference an essay by Paul Graham, "Lies We Tell Kids.

One thing adults conceal about sex they also conceal about drugs: that it can cause great pleasure. That's what makes sex and drugs so dangerous. The desire for them can cloud one's judgement—which is especially frightening when the judgement being clouded is the already wretched judgement of a teenage kid.

...

If parents told their kids the truth about sex and drugs, it would be: the reason you should avoid these things is that you have lousy judgement. People with twice your experience still get burned by them. But this may be one of those cases where the truth wouldn't be convincing, because one of the symptoms of bad judgement is believing you have good judgement. When you're too weak to lift something, you can tell, but when you're making a decision impetuously, you're all the more sure of it.

Really. Read the whole essay.

a.k.a. Ninapendamaishi: Oh, I've definitely got years of experience trying to work this out. That's a really great article though, and one I link people to as well :)

@ Katemoore

Prostitution is professional sex, not casual sex.
When I say good for you to someone who is enjoying her sexuality, I am speaking to her, not you.
This post is not about you.

If you choose to write a post about being asexual or choosing not to have sex, I'll comment about that there.

I applaud you choice as well.
As long as it is your choice and you're happy with that choice.

choice choice choice
it's a feminist theme.

That is a great essay, Doug.

I can see exactly what is meant when people think that it is wrong for teenage girls to have sex just for the enjoyment. I just never understood one thing - guys can have sex with as many women as they want just for the pleasure and be applaued for it, even considered a "real man". On the other hand, any female that has sex for pleasure with multiple partners is considered a whore or an easy lay. Why? Why are we so quick to accept men having sex, lots of it even, to satisfy themselves but look down on women who choose to do the same thing. I never understood that. Its an accepted norm in one case and so terrible in another. If it isn't hurting anyone and is safe, then who cares who does what when it comes to sex. Whether it's out of love or just for fun, it's up to the people involved. I don't think anyone else should really have a say in their personal matters.

I never looked at sex as doing it because it felt good. I look at sex from a different prospective, doing something so intimate with the person whom you love. I am now a senior in college (not a virgin) and I waited to have sex with my boyfriend until my junior year, we have been together for two years now.

I agree with you in the aspect that the media did not force me to have sex earlier then I did, however I do think that times have changed. Don’t get my wrong sex does feel great and I do think that it is more of a taboo for girls then boys to have sex at an early age. Girls are called sluts for sleeping around to much, however for the guy it is an accomplishment, something their proud of, who can sleep with the most girls is talked about with their friends.

Women should be proud of their sexuality and enjoy just like men do!!

I think that if people want to have sex for fun or their own enjoyment then that is their business. I just never understood why it is an accepted norm for men to have sex with as many women as they want and they basically get applauded for it, however when a woman does the same thing she is called a whore. Why? Why is it ok for a man to walk around with a list of 100+ women that he's slept with but wrong when a woman does the same thing. I think that if someone wants to have sex, casual or within a relationship, that is the business of the people involved. No one else should have a say if someone wants to have sex for the fun of it or for other reasons. As long as it is safe, who cares if it's for fun or not? It's nobody's business other than the people involved.