(Cross-posted from Sublimefemme Unbound)
Does butch/femme reinforce traditional gender roles? Is it sexist? Misogynistic? Does being a femme mean that you're a nurturing "little wife" who "stands by her butch?" A sex kitten who is required to perform an idealized fantasy of feminine perfection? Do butches and other transmasculine people get to "wear the pants" (both literally and metaphorically)-defending and protecting "their" femmes- while femmes have less power? Is it really possible to be a feminist butch or a feminist femme-not just in theory, but in practice?
These questions won't go away, although it's almost 40 years since the heyday of second wave feminism, when butch/femme first came under fire from "women's libbers" and butch dykes were ostracized for being "mannish." I see these questions come up over and over-in the classroom, on blogs, in everyday life-from many different kinds of people. I don't pretend to have all of the answers, but I have grappled with these questions-personally, publically, politically. I have researched them, taught about them, talked about them, and had my share of bad days and doubts because of them. Here is where I've arrived:
My feminism is about freedom of gender expression. I insist upon being respected as a femme but I refuse to be confined to someone else's definition of what that means. I'm smart, confident, and successful. I love being pretty and sexy but I'm not an ornament or arm candy. Being femme does not mean that I will abide by the traditional self-sacrificing requirements of femininity-the idea that women must reliquish their freedom and autonomy, dreams and desires, to find fulfillment. I like to please my partner, but I will not subordinate myself to make her happy. You don't like my amazing new outfit? Oh well, that's too bad because I love it and feel great in it!
For me, femme doesn't mean that I'm locked into some naturalized gender role, as I think all too often happens (particularly for women) in heterosexual relationships. But I'll admit, that's not always easy. There have been times when I felt like I was slipping into a "wifey" role, and I had to work to get that fantasy image of femininity out of my head. (There's a huge difference between *wanting* to do domestic stuff and *having* to do it.) I imagine that some butch/femme couples do organize their lives in ways that echo traditional gender roles, but that hasn't been my experience.
There is nothing inherently anti-feminist or sexist about butch/femme identities or desires. What I think is confusing about femme in particular and butch/femme in general is that it can look a lot like naturalized gender identity/roles at first glance. For example, you'll never see me change the oil in the car or install new faucets-my partner (who ID's as butch) does that stuff. I clean the bathroom and do most of the cooking. I take out the trash sometimes, and if I break a nail, I'm pissed. (Actually I'm always pissed if I break a nail!) My partner is usually not comfortable in the kitchen but she can be counted on to make a great tortilla soup. We both value and respect each other's work. There have been times when I've been the breadwinner, other times when she's supported me financially, and times when we've both contributed to our household income. We both have equal power in the relationship when it comes to making decisions, which we make together. She came home with flowers for me today, just because.
The contradictions in masculinity and femininity are a part of us and our relationship, just like they are for most other couples. But when others imply that our relationship is somehow more sexist than theirs, I think they're projecting their own anxieties about gender onto us.
The notion that butch/femme is sexist is a feminist fairytale we need to stop telling.
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Amen. I'm tired of hearing about butch/femme, transgender, or other gender identities "reify the gender binary". Tellingly, the people who proclaim this the most loudly seem to have no experience with the people they're decrying and are instead parroting someone else's political theories. They also seem heavily invested in the gender binary they claim they're trying to get rid of.
I completely agree. And would like to add that "butch" and "femme" can be read in many ways, but as I see it there are two important distinctions to be made here: gender expression and power dynamics. For instance, I present myself as what most would read as "butch" (through men's clothes or various mannerisms that culture has defined as "masculine," whatever that's supposed to mean), but my dominant-femme partner definitely "wears the pants," as you say. I'm more of the "wife," we both enjoy playing "Suzy Homemaker" sometimes, and I'm generally very passive, BUT none of this is due to our gender expression & doesn't mean we don't value the egalitarian base of our relationship.
So why do so many people insist butch=dominant and femme=subordinate? And why must there be any power hierarchy attributed to different genders anyway? If you believe that an egalitarian relationship is possible between people of different sexes, why not different genders? We're dealing with two issues that should be separate (masculine doesn't mean dominant!), but they have been intertwined due to their close relation and improper analogy in this culture. Part of feminism is chosing how you define your Self, not letting norms define you. Let's work on that!