I agree that "Take responsibility for your actions" is pretty weird advice - definitely has a victim-blaming ring to it, and it's especially strange to lump it in the same category as "Trust your instincts."

However, I DO think "Trust your instincts" is sometimes helpful. The reason is because I think most women in our society are brought up to be polite. It is oh-so-important to be kind, gracious, and NEVER hurt someone's feelings, even a stranger. I don't think men grow up with these same restrictions.

Therefore, it did make an impression on me when my mother said, "If an elevator door opens and the person inside gives you a bad gut feeling, do NOT worry about being rude. Simply wait for the next one. You'll never see that person again and it doesn't matter what they think of you." The elevator was just an example for every day situations, but I think, as a young woman who is constantly worried about what people think of me, it was helpful advice.

What my mother did not really address, however, was that most rape happens with people you already know. And that's where I absolutely agree with you, Morgan. If you've known someone a while and have had good experiences with them in the past, it's going to be a lot more difficult to recognize a developing situation as potentially dangerous.

I think one of the worst things about how our society treats rape is that there's usually some underlying message that the victim could or should have done something different. It pretty much lets the rapist off the hook ("well, she was out walking around by herself!" or "she let him come into her dorm room super late at night!") and I find it really really sad.

Anyway, wow, I'm sorry to ramble...and I'm very sorry to hear about what happened to you ten months ago. We definitely need to change the discussion on sexual assault and safety, that's for sure.

I think that piece of advice was from the book,"The Gift of Fear". It is supposed to mean that if you feel uncomfortable around someone, even somebody you know, you should listen to yourself and be wary.

I definitely see your point about taking responsibility, and I agree that even the "trust your instincts" part seems a bit patronizing. As if women ignore their instincts all the time. On the other hand, as Maggie says, it's true that we socialize women to be people pleasers and prioritize the feelings of others or the comfort of a given social situation above their own feelings. Given this fact, maybe the author is just trying to encourage women to forget about the desires of others or the potential awkwardness of abruptly leaving a social situation, and just get out.

It does seem awkwardly close to victim blaming, to me anyway. Trusting your instincts is good advice, but there are so many better ways to give that advice, and it still places the onus for prevention on the victim. I would love to see a "Trust your instincts, the police totally aren't going to get mad if you get scared and call them" or a "Trust your instincts, take that asshole down and don't worry about being charged for assault". Unfortunately, the advice tends to go along the lines of limiting women's freedom--your instincts should have told you that going out and drinking was wrong, or that you shouldn't have taken that night class across campus, or that you shouldn't have agreed to go on a blind date, or dated that asshole. Trusting your instincts is all well and good and totally should be practiced by everyone, but when it comes to rape I don't trust the intentions behind it.

nightingale and MaggieGlass,

I totally agree.

Along with what some have already mentioned, I also took "trust your instincts" as a reference of what to do while the rape is occurring. For example, if your gut instinct is to try to fight your attacker off - trust your instincts. Or if your instincts tell you to do what your attacker demands - trust your instincts. Since there is no right way to avoid rape and no right way to respond during rape, listening to your gut is the best way to survive.

Morgan, I'm sorry to hear about the rape and hope you're feeling better now. I was raped in college by an administrator who offered to take me home after I'd had too much to drink at a campus function. This was back in 1980, and I lost a semester of school due to the trauma (I became pregnant and had an abortion...) Right now I am in a form of group therapy that requires everyone to take accountability for their actions, and there is indeed a fine line between that and "blaming the victim." I can acknowledge that I had too much to drink that night without that being the same as having given permission to this man to rape me. As a result of the experience, I stopped drinking at school, because obviously it wasn't a safe thing be doing. Better to acknowledge the reality of the risks we take and plan our actions accordingly than to be oblivious to potential danger. Law enforcement people don't wear bulletproof vests to make it okay for people to shoot at them. There are self-centered people who somehow think they're immune to danger, behave mindlessly and then refuse to take responsibility for their actions. We're not them!

I would say the "trust your instincts" phrase is intended more narrowly than "you shouln't have taken a night class" or "you shouldn't have gone out drinking." I think it is actually giving women permission not to be polite. Women are trained from a very young age not to be rude or hurt someone's feelings or think badly of someone we don't know. "Trust your instincts" I think is in response to that. Perhaps it should be "trust your instincts, not your training to be polite." The elevator is aperfect example of it. Don't get in if something makes you uncomfortable.

I don't take it as suggesting you should have had the instinct not to be with a certain person or that whatever happens is your fault.

I agree completely with the idea that trusting your instincts is a matter of allowing yourself to be "rude". This is one of the biggest issues in our lives. There are so many things so many women don't dare to do, all because they don't want to be rude, or pushy, or mean, or aggressive. I've been raped several times. I was also sexually harassed twice. The second time was by a boss who had been an acquaintance of mine and pursued me for months to take the job. My instincts were telling me to run, but my boyfriend talked me into taking this "great opportunity." It turned out to be my worst nightmare and ruined my life. I'm still traumatized by how he treated me, 15 years later, and have never gotten my career back. Statistics indicating 80 per cent of all harassment complaints are dismissed immediately certainly don't help make me optimistic.

I think that "trust your instincts" is hugely helpful, though my background for thinking that is having read Gavin de Becker's "The Gift of Fear."

What I interpret it as meaning is that you should not:
- reassure yourself that your bad feeling about the man who just approached you is probably nothing, for fear of rebuking him and seeing rude
- create paranoia and live in fear, eyeing every bush and thinking about how a rapist or a mugger could potentially jump out

It means "trust your instincts to notice that something is wrong." Instinctual responses often pick up on something that's wrong much sooner than rational thougt.